All Journal Entries Journals

Day 30 of Tapering  

Feb 28, 2013 - 5 comments
Tags:

norco

,

Addiction

,

taper

,

Anxiety

,

dependency

,

Fear

,

withdrawal



This week I tapered down to 4 Norcos/day. Over the course of 30 days, I’ve gone from my 15 pills a day habit (is habit the right word? Probably not!), sprinkled with the stupid Suboxone my doctor had me take for 3 weeks while on all those pills, topped off with a cherry of Librium that I was taking for a month. I’ve never mentioned the Librium before in my posts… because I didn’t think much of it. But after being on this site, I’ve learned that Benzos can really take a toll on your mental health when stopped. I quit that med cold turkey along with the Suboxone and jumped from 15 pills to 6 pills on Day 1. I’m not sure if being on Librium for a month screwed with my head… but I was getting severe panic attacks a couple weeks ago, so who knows. The panic subsided last week. Thank God.

I noticed something this morning that made me really happy. I did not feel like complete (fill in the blank since I can’t type bad words on here) when I woke up. Granted, the beginning of RLS and withdrawal discomfort was setting good in at 5am, but I took the first pill of the day and it calmed down. What I mean is I didn’t have a pill hangover. When I was taking a ton of Norcos, I used to go nuts at night. My husband would come home, we’d watch our favorite shows and I’d become a zombie – taking half my daily intake in a 3-hour period. I’d crash and then I’d wake up not feeling withdrawals, but feeling like concrete – head throbbing, body slow, mind fuzzy, depression in full force. Just awful. I was not able to function. It took hours before I had the strength to lift food to my mouth, hours longer to gain the motivation to shower. I felt like this every morning for months and months on end, and the only thing that made me feel better were the pills.

What happens to by mind and body from here forward, I don’t know. What I do know is that the all the mental and physical pains I have gone through to get here – 30 days later – has been completely worth it. I never thought I’d feel alert again. I thought every morning would be a struggle — that I'd never have energy to lift a glass of water to my face. I had told myself that my life had changed for the worse and it wasn’t going to get better. I was dead wrong!

Yesterday I went to see a therapist. She wasn’t right for me… so I’m going to look for someone new. I did most the talking, and while I was rambling on it became very apparent that I was the creator of my misery. My boredom, my fear, my anxiety… on top of the pill use, I haven’t been fostering a positive mindset and healthy lifestyle for ages. It will take me some time to figure out how to un-isolate myself and motivate to do things that bring joy into my life again. But at least I see where I need to improve. I get it. Something has got to give or I am going to be sad and irritated and resentful forever…  

My therapist asked me if I was addicted. I didn’t know what to say. Am I? Or am I dependent? Yes, I had two knee surgeries in the last 6 months… but I was taking WAY more pills than necessary to cope with that pain. I was using them to deal with a horrible situation at my job and the major stress of my wedding this past October. I was not the blushing, excited bride… since the day I got engaged I was terrified of commitment and being the center of attention brought on paralyzing fear. Now that I’m out of that work environment and the wedding is done, will I still feel the need to take pills to cope with my life? My hope is that I’m one of the lucky ones. The odds aren’t in my favor I’m sure… but what if I’m not an addict, but rather a woman that went through an overwhelming year and used pills as my crutch. A temporary crutch. Is that even a possibility? I dunno how this stuff works. Time will tell, I guess. I know I’m thinking far ahead (therapy has a way of doing that to you) — after all, I’m not clean yet and I have many more battles to overcome after I am.  I just pray that when I am off this stuff, I can face adversity sober and clear-headed… I did myself NO favors cowering behind a buzz.

Got to get ready for Physical Therapy now. To be continued…


Comments
Post a Comment
4605616_tn?1362006758
by Enuffisenough, Feb 28, 2013
I liked ur story . I too saw a therapist last year during a clean period of 14 days. She listened and didn't work . I was addicted. Norco. For long time . I went through my sisters death from cancer and then my other relative has cancer now and wow! so kuch stuff! then  I am diagnosed with 3 medical issues in same year last year. I numbed like crazy . Pills . Dark period. Everyone though I was so string. But I wasn't . I was sad. Desperate for help. I knew I needed help. I couldn't withdraw because 3 kids and absent husband . Careers. Just insane . But I did make a promise on New Years that I would quit them this year. In jan I signed up and funny thing, following week my dr had saw my report of all my pills. Said what the heck. Mentioned sub. I said no, did it in my own, and well u been following . Now on low sub and clean of norco. 3 withdrwals . And I relapsed because they called me . I know now 1. I need therapy . From NA. 2. Sub prog and great dr. 3. I need my health for my sick relative, kisds and self! For myself most important . My 3 kids must have known! I was always at dr office . Sad counting pills. Such an ugly place . We are doing the right thing by quitting . Whether dependent , addicted, whatever , we need our health ! I see patients in chemo that don't take norcos becayae they are fighting fir there lives and dont want addiction to then, and I'm like embarrassed I'm swallowing 15 to 20 a day .so I had to stop that was my light ...... We all know when it's our time. Your time has come. We realized how awful we were on them, sleepy , not present , etc. we are doing the right thing girl! Keep ur head up! Stay strong! And I want to hear more........ Keep on writing . Hugs xoxo

4605616_tn?1362006758
by Enuffisenough, Feb 28, 2013
Sorry for typos.

Avatar_m_tn
by HadEnough0920, Mar 01, 2013
You are an amazing woman.  You're come so far in such a short time.  You're such a kind, thoughtful, funny woman, and you deserve to be clean and happy.  You seem to "get" it.  I'm so happy that every day is a day closer to you reclaiming your life.  And if you ever find yourself struggling, just remember that you have that 3rd eye watching, and it will guide you back to the right path:)

5005025_tn?1370790622
by LisaH_NYC, Mar 02, 2013
I'm new to MedHelp. Tapering from Tram, addicted to them for about 4 or 5 years. I think you are doing GREAT. Please post when you can, would love to hear more from you.

Avatar_f_tn
by FourJays, Mar 03, 2013
Hello - love your story.  I am so glad that you are starting to see the light on the other side - it really will keep getting better.  We will always have our occasional bad mornings, but the good, pain free and energy filled ones will start taking over and become the norm for you soon.  You are doing great and are a huge inspiration for those working on tapering plans.  Sorry it did not go so well with the therapist; I understand that for sure - you need a comfortable fit with someone that you will share so much of your personal self with.  Don't give up until you find that right person.

And the physical therapy - It will be tough at first, but hang in there.  PT definitely has changed my life (not only helped with the post-surgery pain and recovery), but it has motivated me to exercise regularly, and that has changed everything.  I guess it's the endorphins - and it does feel so nice to actually have muscle tone again!  It is all good - just more for my "respect the relapse" arsenal :))

Good luck - you are doing SO well and are such an inspiration for so many others!

Julie

Post a Comment