Mar 01, 2013
As the days are passing the time is adding up. Month 2 begins with the future looking bright. My day to day is becoming more routine and tasks are becoming easier. I am actually feeling more in control than before but without the monster of fear I bestowed in my back pocket. I remember a movie when a question was asked, " is it better to be loved or feared?" The mans answer was that it was better to be loved, but if he had to choose, he would pick fear. Love can come and go but fear last forever. For me, I tossed that same question. I began to think of my self in that situation with the people I have in my life and I realized that over the years I have unknowingly chosen that position. To have some love me, but most fear me. I think I felt that if I had fear that the ones that I had control over by fear I could use that to my advantage to always stay 1 step ahead of. They would look at me as if I were always the one in a position of power and on top of everything that I would and could do. The reality is that the ones I had made fear me I found actually resented me to an extent and that I did not want. I would rather have their love. I never wanted or expected anyone to fear me its just how it happened. The disappointment is that the fear is real.....not just a notion. With fear comes lack of respect and that is something I never wanted! I have always been the person that felt I would have a bunch of friends and family that would look up to me as a person that they would aspire to be, In the end I turned out to be an example of what not to be..... We all have our faults and no one is perfect but if we can carve in our own little path hopefully in the end we can all have a section that most would want to walk down. That's the goal. I intend to re walk that path of the text book "right thing to do". My goal is to overcome this overwhelming sense of instability, and face the fact that I can't and don't want to be the one of control of everything.....I don't need to be....... I need to be me, and there's nothing wrong or unlike able about that. My wife and kids show me everyday, that, that person, is the person that is loved.....not feared... That I like, and that's what I want..... Who knows, maybe, just maybe I can be the person that my kids want to aspire to be.
Time will tell....... Time heals all!.......