All Journal Entries Journals

way weaker than I thought

Mar 25, 2013 - 1 comments

I know I put myself in this hole and every time I look up from the bottom of it I say to myself, "Stop it! Stop tripping into this thing!" So when I'm in it all I can do is yell at myself. I'm sure thats part of my problem. My issues stem from habits that were developed over many years while I was growing up. I needed to survive and although my siblings had the same parents I turned out much differently than them. I hold onto stuff. My husband mentioned that I keep bringing up the past, keep analyzing it. Yeah that because I think the answers are there.

Pretty sure my husband is turning a blind eye. Its because he's always known me to be in pain and he doesn't want to know how much money I spend or how much I'm taking. He didn't say that but he doesn't ask and I don't want to give him any details. He drove me to the emergency room so many times in the middle of the night or in the middle of a work day (he got a call that I was taken in an ambulance because I kept passing out from the pain and scared my sister in law).

I know I have an issue because I'm taking more like Sarah said. Only one swallowed is enough to deal with one of my #7 headaches but I take 2...

So far I haven't taken anything today but I can't say the same for the weekend. Didnt even make Friday work out in the end. I'm even afraid to put anything here because now I'm letting down complete strangers who stuck their neck out with so many words of wisdom and sympathetic prayers. I really wish I understood God better and wasn't so imtimidated by my fellow christians.

Today is Mike's birthday. I'm going to make him his favorite meal, chicken tetrazzini, my nana's recipe. Hopefully I can stop letting him down. He keeps saying not to be hard on myself but I wonder cause I don't seem to learn my lesson. I'm going to just focus on him today. My husband deserves so much! We celebrated our 10 year anniversary this past January and we both agree love grows, we would do anything for each other....

I'll use that. I see my "therapist" in an hour. The emergency appt that I made crying on Friday. Not sure what to tell her. I haven't even done my makeup and thats extremely unusual for me.

On a side note, however, a friend saw me upset at drive thru to get coffee and she knocked on my window, handed me a $5 and said "Pay for the guy behind you". Then she dropped the money in my car before I had a chance to register that. That was actually kinda neat and made me feel really good. Wasn't even my money but I liked saying to the cashier, "May I pay for the gentleman behind me?" I highly recommend doing a good deed when your beating yourself up; makes a world of difference :)

Comments
Post a Comment
4810126_tn?1408016185
by EvolverU, Mar 25, 2013
That was an awesome thing that 'angel' did at the drive thru. I too, lived in the past and had heavy childhood issues. I feel for you. I couldn't see my way out of that 'hole', either until I let go of the past and realized - that I wasn't trapped - that the lid of 'the box' had been off the whole time. Do you have any spiritual system? Realizing that we - as adults- are absolutely responsible for all our thoughts, words and deeds was frightening but liberating. Reading about Buddhism and other great traditions along w/ meditation and prayer helped me to get where I am today. My old mindset would never have permitted me to believe I could be clean. I wore my childhood hurt/rage and my addiction for many, many years as an identity and ultimately, as an excuse. If you don't feel like you can really talk to your therapist, change him/her. I wish you the love, strength and clarity you need to win this battle. I'm here if you ever want to talk.

Post a Comment