Mar 26, 2013
Sorry, I've been busy living life!
I wish I would have ended it when I found out she was pregnant, but he sucked me back in with manipulation, saying that it was an accident, and we had a special connection. Some of the feelings I had for him died that night and week though. I kept sleeping with him once a week until the beginning of June 2012. Then I started to push D away. I kept blowing him off. The end of June, I got extremely drunk as that was my way of dealing with things recently. I sent him an email saying I needed space and to not contact me. He texted me almost right away and I don’t remember what we said exactly, but I told him that I cannot allow myself to love a married man even longer than I have. He didn’t say it back, obviously, and it didn’t hurt me. The next day, I regretted saying that because I truly DIDN’T love him. It was just familiarity and the fact that he had been in my life for almost 2 years at that point, so he had helped me grow up and helped me try new things that brought along improvements in who I was becoming. We didn’t talk for 3 months.
That summer was probably the summer of “growth.” I realized I didn’t need him. I realized how much better I felt without him because I didn’t feel guilty and forced to be with him, or anyone. I walked the most confident I ever have, I was super happy, and I never once was sad about it ending. On my birthday, I went up to visit my friend for my party. I met a guy there named M during the day before I left. He asked me to stay an extra night so he could celebrate my birthday with me with one more night of drinking. I couldn’t though since I had placement on the Monday. He added me on Facebook so that I could message him if I was staying. The next day M messaged me saying I sucked for going home. That’s when we started messaging each other every day. A week later I met someone at my friend’s birthday party that turned out to be a one month fling since that’s all I wanted from him. I was still talking to M since I enjoyed talking to him, though it was still the beginning phase of getting to know someone. I ditched my fling here because I was finished with him.
When I saw D next, it was in September when I was at placement for school, and I was walking to get lunch. He pulled around the corner like a crazy person into the plaza when I was almost at the other side. He had almost hit me. I froze because I was shocked I almost got hit. Then I saw his face. He waved for me to come in the car. I hesitated, but I went anyways. He asked what I was doing, and where I was going to eat. We had lunch together, but I had been Facebook messaging M the whole time instead of watching him text and go on Facebook and play games on his phone while I sat in silence waiting for him to talk to me like I used to. He dropped me off at the end of the hour at placement, and he wanted a kiss on the cheek like he always asked for/got when we said goodbye for now. I told him I couldn’t and I thanked him for lunch since he paid. He just looked at me what looked like shock when I didn’t kiss his cheek.
I got into the staff room to put my stuff away and went back to work. After work, I was waiting for my bus when I saw I had a text from D. He said it was different seeing me, but it was nice, and he asked when we could grab lunch again. I told him a day since I hated my placement and didn’t want to ever stay there, and like he always did, he chose a different day. It happened to be a different day than I said. I told him no. That night, I went out with my friends to a comedy club. When we got back to the house, I took a bowl of weed, but I almost guarantee it was laced with something. D texted me saying I should text him if I needed a ride home. I had planned to cab, but I started feeling weird. I told him where I would be and was panicky because my phone was at 1% and we hadn’t met up yet. On my short walk there, the laced weed made me have a terrible trip. I was so f***ing scared. A guy ran by me to grab the bus and scared me so badly (since it was 130am) that my knees buckled, and I fell. I scraped my knee badly. I was standing at the corner when I saw a car pull up to me. I got scared and backed away. He turned on the light so I saw that it was him. I got in the car so quickly. The drug kept hitting me and it got worse. He was asking me what happened and why I was in this state. He had picked me up before when I was drunk, but never high and drunk and on a bad trip. I couldn’t finish my story I guess because he kept asking me questions. I was clenching my jaws, chewing air, gripping my legs and pants and rocking back and forth. We got to the end of my road where it’s a dead end and he just stopped. He got so worried so he called the hospital to ask what he should do. They told him to bring me to the hospital. He was going to until I started crying because I didn’t want to go. Now I was seeing weird things and was hysterical. He got back in the car and gave me a water bottle that he brought since I told him that I was scared to die via text. I was terrified the whole time. He brought my head to his chest and just held me. It calmed me down a bit. He showed the side of him that wasn’t a ****. Because of the alcohol, I told him to never leave me again, which I regretted in the morning because I truly was happier without him. He lifted my chin and kissed me softly. He kissed me again, and I pulled away saying it was wrong and that I wanted to go home. I was scared waking up my driveway, and I was even more scared to go to sleep.
A couple days went by and I didn’t hear from D. I was happy because it meant that he didn’t take what I said too seriously. He then texted me while I was at school saying he hadn’t forgotten about me, he was just busy (since his wife had his kid and he was a stay at home dad, but he didn’t say that part). I told him I hadn’t noticed because I was also busy. We didn’t talk much. He asked me if we could start our thing back up again. I said yes. We only did it one since the beginning of June. I felt so bad. As soon as he left, I cried for hours until I fell asleep.
It was now November. I had been talking to M every day still, and after 3 months of Facebook messaging, I gave him my cell number. We would text every day minus weekends. D would still ask me quite often when we were getting together, and I would make up excuses to blow him off. Over the months to be super vague: D stopped contacting me as much after I told him how ****** I felt, etc. and he told me it’s always the same conversation, and I told him it was because he was always asking me to go back to the situation that’s responsible for these talks, M and I got closer and started texting everyday almost all day (though I had yet to ask my friend who liked him in 2010 who now has a boyfriend of over a year if it was okay if I continued with M), I got really REALLY sick from December to the end of February, I got all mushy, I started doing feelings more, I grew closer to my family, I grew closer to my friends, I continued to get closer to M, but I hadn’t seen him since my birthday since I was incredibly sick and our schedules wouldn’t allow it (since he lives 2 hours away from me).
My past is all done. Thursday I’ll update with my current situation. :)