Apr 07, 2013
hmmm, Im surprised nobody commented on sukky pc's ... hm ...
ok you cannot get tone from text or email or j but let me tell you there is a tone! ohgoodlord.
im completely freaking out.
id even k where to start.
1. NO WIFI
yes, you heard me right. NO WIFI. let me just underscore this concept by telling you NO WIFI. I don't just mean no wifi . I mean NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
ok. im not all right. im not.
2. something happened to my platform. no, not my shoes. idk if I went into settings while I was um ... inebriated ... or whatnot but ever since the day before I moved, my computer is like ... its like whatup! like whatup! like it don't know nothing no more and I cain fix it! ive fallen and I cant get up! S. soooo its like that
3. since the new platform, not only can I not see my inbox ... well I mean the inbox on here ... oh my, medhelp get your mind out the gutter daim .... um ... what was I saying. oh yes. actually I think its since the elephant dr came last ... my interface, my platform, whatever is all effed up!
4. possibly worse than no wifi or maybe at the same level .... SPELL CHECK!!!! this is the most dire enemy of a linguist. wtf! now medhelp is correcting my daim spelling! god not only am I confused about how to fix this autocheck nightmare I am tired and I don't feel like trying to coz I just moved!!!!
so if you notice my spelling is proper or that my lexical invention is not up to par, don't blame me ... I will fix it and I mean that. soon.!
well. it goes without saying that there are more reasons I am freaked the fuh out, perhaps in some good ways, but the numbered list is getting tiresome.
where to start? or did I start. I did.
yes. yes mam! ooh I said mam. but not to you.
yes, I moved, and I must say according to all standards, it went exceedingly well. I took the bare essentials by me lonesum on Friday, and I slept in the apt Friday night. this spell check makes proper nouns capitals. god! how irritating. and um .... it was scary. I mean not scary, but I had two ppl who I expected to call and chek on me and neither did. now, I am not going to implicate members of the opposite sex, but they were both members of the opposite sex .... um. nuff sed.
so ah ... I did sleep aright I just woke up once and freaked out not with like fear of robbers or dying but this huge I mean huge anxiety attack one where I thought something serious would happen like pass out or my head would come off but it ony lasted for a few mins and then when it passed I was like ... I feel SO good comparatively...
then, you know Medhelp, I mean ch, too, god was lookin cuz he helped me or she ... did a good job with this apt! its really cute, a lot sweeter than I membered, and that one that came up in the courtyard on the fountain omg ... its a positive coup! I mean its so dope to have this like babbling brook outside my balcony ... theres a stream by a brook and a songbird that sings ... its quite idyllic, really. and when the ac came (he helped w his truck and the furninture and our roommate guy) he was so impress he seemed sort of jealous and my friend MM was there too and they went out the balcony and smoked and they was like wow this is grate.
and it is grate. its a really cool little (emphasis on little) apt ... it have everything Meegy size, like in miniature and ... its cute. and I feel real good there. like, I am less anxious about certain things, have less worries about like, the ac, and the roomates, and its a nice sense of freedom. ... a certain sense of liberty ...
I worked hard, still got a lot to do but this is my Break. since I cant get wifi yet in my apt. I got everything pretty situated, though theres still some boxes a lot of bags of clothing, but it really look pretty set up. and I had my coffee this morning, on my sofa which I took from my studio ... its purple ... yes purple ... velveteen ... why I wanted this piece I donut no ... um but its very comfortable. don't have tv yet, so no lakers or movies, but its aite I got my clock radio! and I will set up my mini hifi ... not wifi ... hifi
idk I mean sometimes I miss the ac but not really. weird. and all the circular thoughts going over and over in my head have subsided some ... and ... its still a big deal but. I just dk. and I don't like being alone ... but sometimes I do! ok I didn't say that. I didn't say that!!!! shut up!!!!
I am lucky to not feel dreadeful things from my relapse. what I feel is a sense of irritation exasperation and utter dismay and disrespect at for myself for doing it. wtf was I thinking! god it is so f*ckin stupid I could slap me. hard. a lot. well anyway its over. thank god. I mean, I am lucky I didn't take that much ... for me ... lucky I didn't die ... and lucky I just have a few residuals ... that I can perceive. im sure mentally if f*cked me but oh well I just have to deal with it. I really remember so very little which is scary. a few ppl have told me how I was oh god. its so awful. but most of it was a blackout period for me ... not sure if this happened when I used all the time or what. or if I was just used to it. but ... I forgot to tell you I smoked a bowl of the ac pot too. brilliant job Meegy ty
I ben to three meetings. wed, thurs fri. the Friday one was the Clicking Chicks one ... the one little girl was not wearing electric blue tights but still minced around like she just adores herself. la dee da honey. and one of the clicking girls was wearing a tiara! yes!!!!! it was her birthday ... omg. Courtney love? well anyway ... not sure.
I was with my friends, my old spons D and her wife A. and ... they was real cool to me. A was speaking and she got all dolled up. she sat next to me. she's the cement truck driver a tall woman with strong, handsome features and she have long dark hair. shes older than me but shes realy pretty. she had crimped her hair and I dint recognize her. serisleee. she looked so beautiful. I told her. I forgot she most times kiss women on the mouth. and D just blithely played on her phone ignoring A. they have a good relationship. A always hug you a long time and kiss you like that oh my
afterwars they force me to Socialize with them and a bunch of ppl at a café nearby but mostly I talk to this eleven yo girl name Cassidy who does stomp dancing to mackelmore and country and rock music.
I lost a bunch of weight. yay Dr oz! I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I eat a lot of fruit and vegetables. and. when I got to starbucks this morning, I was just fantasizing about all the food in the display case. omg. the only thing would help is watch some attractive guy eating lots of that food that seems to sate me. but ooooooooooooooh its hard to look at that food
like and not care what he looked like eating it too just like shove it in his mouth and ... make feral sounds and .. ooh baby omg Meegy control yourself!
I was wrong about the ppl in my bldg. I judged too soon. who me? they are lots of young, like 30s or early 40s and um ... well, its like Melrose Place! and they all friendly. om good lord.
I aint hit the machines yet cuz I got a lot to do setting up the place. I went to the 99 cent store cuz our contents still not back from ins co and fire and I got two of those coca cola glasses that are green and I got two bowls and two green dish towels, like heather green hi heather, and some um ... sponges and cloths to clean stuff
and ... I got so much to do today this my ony break so I gots to just get some thoughts out ...
everyone in my city checks and everyone says hello. it seems that during my married years ellay woopay went from the pickup capital of the country to the pickup capital of the world! but I aint noticing. nope. not me.
at the Friday meeting I was helping put away chairs and saw Ruben, the oldest member of ennay, not in chrono years but just been around. he's a cool guy, latino, very very sweet, and has this speech impediment or lisp or something. serislee he can be hard to unnerstand in English or Spanish. he say, 'hi ... how much time you got now ..' and I was all 'well Monday I had six months but today I have three days' and he go 'aww that's aright ...' I could understand that. he say, getting all shy and looking around, 'anyway it don't matter cuz I think your beautiful.' awwww ... understood that too. he's so sweet. ohhh Ruben. it was nice he told me how I would get my time back and how many x he relapsed and all the stuff they tell you.
anyway ... theres more but im slow and just inching my way thru this day. one thing that always gets me about relapse and getting clean is how SLOW things seem and how impatient I am and how my fingers don't do what I want them to. for me this is all the time but espesh during these first days after using. like, when im getting ready to get out the house, do my hair, dress, wash up etc everything seems so protracted like it take a millin years! and each step seems so belabored. idk ... hard to describe.
its so weird to leave a whole relationship behind.
but a lot of good feelings, too. and I never thought i'd say that! I was so, so scared to do this. and here I am!
good morning, medhelp.