Mar 23, 2008
From July of 2006 to Oct of 2007, I allowed myself to become a fearful victim to Arrhythmia's, namely my PVC's.
They controlled every aspect of my life. From going grocery shopping to traveling. From enjoying intimacy to exercising. From eating to sleeping. Everything I did was PVC controlled and planned as if I could have dropped to the ground clutching my chest at any moment. Just when I thought the PVC's were getting better, they worsened with a vengeance. I went from 2000 to 5000 a day, to 10,000 to 25,000. They were so bad last June (2007) that I invested in not only one defibrillators, but two,...and believe me when I tell you, they weren't cheap, nor were they easy to get.
I would have walked across a valley of hot coals to get one....mentally, I think I did. Even now, I still have one of them in my house, and one in my truck. Everyone in my life knows how to use them. Embarassing as it was/is, I made them practice.
When I went camping or traveled, the quickest route to the nearest hospital was always mapped out ahead of time.
I also had an extra cell phone battery, aspirin, and an EpiPen packed neatly inside the defibrillator case......just in case...
I carried 2 kinds of tranquilizers on me at all times, they were a constant companion, another safety net, so to speak. Xanax for quick relief and short duration, and Valium for long action...for those really bad days.
You know the kind...when your hearts flopping around like some fish out of water every other beat or your having those nasty little runs that make you gasp, grab your wrist to check your pulse, followed by hours of full fledged panic. My obsession and fear of the arrhythmia's and my attention to every heartbeat, slowly bled into other health issues. Over those 15 months, I made 8 trips to the ER, and 5 to the QuickCare. The doctors there knew me by name. One doctor even asked me if I wanted to rent my own private room for a few months. Had that been possible, I probably would have taken him up on the offer at that point in time.
Around month 6, I quite talking to my family and close friends about my heart, nobody understood the aweful feeling and fear or what I was going through... The only ones that understood what I was going through with my PVC's were my friends here...those fighting the same unseen "benign" demons... but demons non the less.
I lived in constant fear, mixed with a kind of unsettled anger and dismay. I lost hope, faith, and felt sorry for myself at times. I grieved and mourned the loss of my old life. I became reclusive, emotional, and a shell of the person I once was to all those that I loved. My brother once told me that I looked like a scared, beaten down child. Living in fear does that. I had my own private wing in a living hell that I didn't know how to escape. I woke up with fear, spent the day with it, and then let it tuck me into bed at night.
I spent countless hours researching every aspect of the heart, and possible causes of PVC's, NSVT, and IST.
I've probably logged close to 1200 hours or more on online medical journals. I took extensive notes. I called friends and family members in the medical professions asking questions and looking into everything I came across that affected/effected the heart and it's electrical pathways. Had I gotten paid for doing semi-professional level medical data research thru Docline, etc., I would have grossed over $17,000.00. My consuming fear had paid $ 0.00.....
Although I realized that PVC's were benign in a healthy heart, the fear that gripped me with the repeated sensations was overwhelming. The mixed research results didn't do much in alleviating the fear some days either.
And the spiral continued......
~~The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.~~