Back and forth

Why can't I get past 30 lbs?  I gained 3 lbs these last two weeks.  Ugh.  It took me forever to get to 30 lbs. and now I'm back at 30 lbs. instead of 33 lbs.  This is frustrating.  I'm so tired.  It seems like it's dark before I can get anything done - no matter how early I "wake" up (aka get out of bed because I'm not actually sleeping).  There were way too many people at the meeting today.  I couldn't stay.  

So here I am.  I need to organize some paper work and then hopefully I'll be able to finish organizing my computer stuff.  All I have to do now is put cardboard up around it so if Ed comes running in my room to hide, she can't mess the cords up like she used to.  As a kitten, I tried everything to get her as comfortable as possible.  One of the tried methods was keeping her in my room, litter box, food and all.  However since she was so tiny, she would either get under or behind things.  Since I don't really have anything in my room, the only place she could hide was behind my computer desk.  I eventually had to build a cardboard wall around it.  Even though she's a lot bigger now and she may not be able to fit back there, I'm sure she'd find a way to squeeze herself in if she's really scared.  

I have all the cardboard out.  I'm just so exhausted.  It's about 7 pm EST.  I think I'm going to take my medication around 8 PM and try to relax.  Most likely I won't be able to sleep.  I know part of medication's success is having the right mindset, and I'm trying, really.  But this is such a pain.  I'm just glad I don't have any super important things to commit myself to right now.  It's hard, yanno?  I can't say it enough, but this just isn't life.  I'm not living - I'm maintaining, anticipating when this episode is over and when it's going to happen again.  Being scared of everything all the time, drugged up, isolated, etc. just isn't how it's supposed to be.