All Journal Entries Journals

Still man!c ...

Mar 17, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

yellow

,

butt

,

mood tracker

,

diagnosed

,

growing up

,

growing

,

know

,

people

,

narcissistic

,

sound

,

person

,

depressed

,

eyes

,

illness

,

mental illness

,

think

,

open

,

mental

,

Bipolar

,

episode

,

Alcoholism

,

disease

,

disorder

,

Panic

,

Man

,

Men

,

cancers

,

sick

,

helps



Growing up, I always wanted to be diagnosed with something that people would notice.  I know that may sound narcissistic, but that's Abby's role, not mine.  Mental illness is such a joke.  People think you're lazy when you're too depressed to even open your eyes.  

Hey, it's called mental illness for a reason - it's an illness.  And the thing about being Bipolar is that it's an illness that is somewhat manageable but with the anticipation and dread of an inevitable episode, but not curable.  Alcoholism is considered a disease and people take that seriously.  WHY is that the difficult things I am forced to deal with are such a freaking joke to everyone else?  Like I'm making it up or not trying or striving for attention?  I'm an introvert - I don't like attention!!!  I'm a painfully shy agoraphobic who also happens to suffer from social anxiety and panic disorder.  

Iono ... sometimes I wish I could take someone's cancer and put it upon myself.  I'm not afraid to die and it seriously isn't because I want attention or to be understood.  I just get so sick of being criticized by people who have no idea what it's like to be me.  I don't think I want sympathy.  I think that if I had something that people felt was so extremely unfortunate, then I would have a higher chance of being left alone.  

Why is it so much to ask for to be alone?  Why do people insist on interrupting my sorrow?  I am trying to feel "better" but everyone implies I'm not doing anything at all.  As independent as we wish to be, no one can live by themselves.  We need social interaction.  Though I don't have a lot for many reasons, I do attempt to go out and force myself to get used to it.  That's how it is - be a "happy" hermit or just another unhappy statistic in society.  

Fresh air can lift my mood and it does help when people care enough to drag me out the door.  But most of the time I really wish I could just be left to myself.  

People annoy me.  Actually, they disgust me.  I know I sound really hateful and it's confusing because I care a lot about people who probably don't deserve to breathe the same air as me.  I don't hate people.  I just have a great distaste for them.  Especially today's self-absorbed youth.  Ugh.  This is where this ends because I cant rant until I die about how they're going to make our world even hittier-say than it already is.  

Mood Tracker
Post a Comment