All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

I need to think more and not rely on emotions.

Apr 11, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

emotions

,

Pregnancy

,

test

,

Hope

,

family



I am very emotional and most of actions do rely on how I feel. I love one person and I'd do everything for him. Recently, I've been stressing out because of the chances that I could be pregnant. I've tried to abstain but the more that we see each other the harder it is to say no.

I came to Canada two years ago as a permanent resident. From a strict family that reminded me every single day of my adult life that I should not rush myself into getting into a relationship.

My dad, he's a handful. Ever since he noticed that boys ( not that many, maybe one or two) are actually trying to court me, he has never forgotten to tell me to not hurry. That there a lot of man that would fall in love with me. That I should pick  a guy who's responsible. While he's saying that I'm all " I know dad".  

My mom, she's excited although she's always sticking her nose around asking, " Is he your boyfriend?" She seems open in me getting into a relationship but she wants me to be very cautious. She'd be like, " Don't go out with him a lot" , who are you going out with?" , " don't stay out too late". While she's saying that , I'm all " I know mom".

Now, I've been with my boyfriend for almost half a year now. We've been sexually active due to corporal desires, His and mine's. Having a boyfriend to me meant going out, having dinner, not necessarily playing with fire. Things are different here from where I was born. As for me, I gave in to this mortal desires. I can say I'm sinful because of this. My biggest concern now is the chance that I could have conceived.

The idea had me depressed. What happened to my " I know". I was talking insensibly because if my selfishness. I talked to my boyfriend about this and his answer. " That is impossible". other than condoms we actually don't use any other form of contraception. One day in a month, for every month, I wish for my period to start. Some cycles longer or shorter than the other. This month was different.

My cycle supposedly needed to start on the first of April. By the time that I've finished my journal I would've been 11 days due for my period. Three days ago I took a pregnancy test ( first response) I did one in the afternoon and one the first thing in the morning. Both resulted in a negative result. That gave me huge relief .  But matters grew worse as  I feel nauseated and experience some tummy aches. " I have a bad feeling about this". I decided to get myself another test. I'll buy the test tomorrow. And I'll hope for the best.

But what if I am pregnant. Should I be happy?Should I torture myself for getting myself into an unplanned pregnancy? This incredible concoction of emotions will be very overwhelming either ways. Please pray for me.

Post a Comment