All Journal Entries Journals
Previous | Next

My Precious

Apr 12, 2013 - 0 comments
Tags:

Addiction

,

Vicodin

,

Opiod Use



My Precious
This is my story – I have been in an on again off again relationship with opiates for about 9 years. when I was 14 years old I had an accident which shattered a bone in my wrist and broke my pelvic bone in one spot and fractured it in another. At this time I knew nothing of these pills and since they were dosed out by a care giver I took them as prescribed and never gave them another thought. From that time on up until I was about 18 I smoked a lot of pot. it helped with the aches and pains not to mention helped me eat. (I don’t have an eating disorder but girls can be teased for being to skinny just as one can be teased for being fat) anyways at 18 I was in a lot of trouble with the law and I find out I am pregnant (only a month after I miss carried) so I decided to quit smoking because I was scared I would fail a U.A. and have my baby taken from me and end up in prison. I did great with this decision and I was doing great until I had my baby and my doctor gave me norco, don’t remember how many. I took them until they were gone and at this time I was hooked! I called him and asked for more so he gave me 90 5/500. My best friend introduced me to snorting them and man was that a rush I had never felt! From then on we played our doctor, she would get 90 and two weeks would go by and I would get 90 we had this made and we never ran out! We were happy go lucky all the time! Even back then I remember telling myself “its ok, it’s leagal, your not doing anything wrong except snorting them” WOW was I lyeing to myself! After my second child was born my doctor got into trouble and could not prescribe narcotics for a year. So naturally I did what any other addict does .. I started doc hoping and buying whatever I could find on the streets (tried many different pills, but vicodin and Percocet were my pills of choice). I even went as low  as some people probably have! I got a job cleaning houses, private homes and yep you guessed it … I was always cleaning the bathrooms and would find myself going thru there medicine cabnets and stealing from these poor defensles people who trusted me! UGH how sick can a person be to do this? For me at this point in my life, I was around 24 now, I didn’t think it very wrong. I NEEDED them! It was around this time that my kids went to live with my mother (a decision between us) so I could better myself! Well all I did was turn to alcohol. I was a stone cold alcoholic for about 6-8 months, I had to spend my last dime in the morning just to get a 40 to help me thru my morning and by evening I was partying it up! I did this while working off and on at random jobs. Don’t know how I did but I did. One day I just had a rude awakening and had to get my life back!! I was doing great for a while had a great job until I met a friend at work who low and behold had a never ending supply of vicodine! Halelujiah!! Well needless to say I jumped right back on that horse and of course have been on them since! I did loose my job my apartment moved but its sooo available everywhere! I even went back to my first doc and thru one reason or another he started prescribing them to me again!! (I would say he had to know?!? Right?!?!) but I guess it didn’t bother either of us to know the truth and just keep living a lie!! I have recently tried moving to get moral support so I could quit only to find that no one had the time to help me and not to mention I found them just as easy to get, so I moved back! I am 29 years old and have 3 beautifull children … this has got to stop!! I can admit that im an addict and have known for years but unless you want it for yourself there is no way you can do it for anyone else!! I am one of those that had to come clean to my family about what is going on in order to do this to the full extent! In the back of my mind I would say “NO don’t tell them cause then they will stop you from getting any if you want one” that’s when I realized I had to tell everyone so they COULD stop me!! These past 9 almost 10 years have been a lie! I have been controlled by these little demons for far too long!! And not to mention what I have done to myself and my family for far to long. Everyone says im a great mother but most the time I wonder if I really am or if it was just the pills?!?! They make me super mom! But when I run out then im ****** mom who cant quit crying because I know whats wrong but am so ashamed of myself!! This is my fourth day of being sober! And even though I feel like crap and I want to just give in I know I cant this time!! I have to do this!! I broke down the second night and called a friend to find me some … the next morning she called and I didn’t answer she kept calling and I kept ignoring (I just knew what she was going to say) then she showed up and offered me 3 … 3 little demons and I knew all id have to do is snort 1 and I would feel better!! But I said “NO”! she left and trust me a couple hours later I wished id said yes. I am over most of the sweating hot and cold flashes and RLS but the having no energy to get my butt outta bed all day and feeling of anxiety (gets really bad when I start thinking of everything im neglecting by trying to detox) and then the overwhelming rush of emotions that cause depression is hard to get past!! Not to mention the little voice in my head that keeps trying to convince me that I NEED them … its like Golum from lord of the rings “we wants the precious, we needs the precious” lol sorry ive watched a lot of movies these past few days. But this is not a laughing matter I know and just because I can joke a little right now im sure that in the next 20 mins or so I will be crying again. This is the hardest battle I will ever have to fight! The battle against my own self!!


Post a Comment