sooo upset

i promised myslef i wouldnt cry no more over this yet my mascara is runnin down my face and i look like a raccoon. i mean sex has always been a problem area for me. i know its wrong. and ill go weeks and sometimes months without it and then ill go do something and not even be safe about it. and so far luck has been on my side. but im scared itll take something huge to make me learn my lesson. wat no one sees is how there are times i cant even meet my own eyes in the mirror, how i havent been to church ( which i use 2 love going) because i feel so bad like i dont belong there with all those good honest people. there are times i seriously contemplate suicide over this ( and im not even a suicidal person as im afraid of death.) and i dont evn believe people when they call me pretty, or say im a beautiful girl or im smart. i think there lying to me to see if ill believe it, then when i do they laugh at me behind my back. if im so smart why cant tell these stupid boys no! if im so pretty how come i cant find a decent guy, even wen i refuse to have sex with them? i honestly wish i could go back and change everything ive ever done. but ive come along way from wat i once was, thers still alot of change left to be done, but ive come along way. and i SHOULD be proud of that.. bu im not. and god why cant i stop leaking tears like a damn waterfall? i feel like my heart is broken and i dont even know why. mmaybe i deserve to be talked down to. maybe i deserve every bad name that i get called. sometimes i feel that if i would go ahead and allow myself to be treated for the bi polar disorder some of this promiscuosness would def stop. i dunno. everyones been so helpful and i feel so bad cuz i kno there are some who feel i dont take advice wen i actually do! i dont deserve all these peoples kindness and help..... i know this sounds cliche and stupid or watever, but i seriously feel like everyones life would be better if i was dead, or if id just disappear. i mean even my mom thinks im a hoe. she hasnt said that, but she has these talks with me. and i know i make her proud academically, i can tell i hurt her and disappoint her wen i do stuff like that. but i dont know how to fix it so i wont do it no more. maybe i should conquer my selfish fear of death and just make everything better for myself and everyone else....maybe theres some rope downstairs....