The begining of a roller coaster ride

March 26- in March 2007 I had a tubal legation. I have three kids, but I cannot be a homemaker. I love to go to work every morning and being away from my kids makes me love them even more. But three kids is enough...I did more then my share for this world.

4 weeks ago I was late with my periods. I work in a very stressful environment, specially at the end of the month. So I blame being late on the stress. My pants started getting tighter, blamed it on the fact that I'm late therefore I'm bloated. I started getting up at night to use the washroom, I've been drinking more water lately = peeing  at night. But one morning my breast are soar..oh oh... I cannot find a logical explanation for that other then I'M PREGNANT?

So before the weekend comes, and I take my traditional Saturday and Sunday morning coffee with Baileys, I decide to get a pregnancy test...who knows right? Well guess what? It's positive. So I shake it, turn it around, the + sign came up before the indicator marked that the test was good. The only thing coming out of my mouth is "****". 30 minutes later, I check it again...just in case I was seeing things. My husband is hysteric, he is so happy! I'm just numb.

So I call the doc, get an appointment, totally annoyed by the fact that they make me pee in a cup, I'm not a happy camper. The doc laughs and says: "You should go see the gynecologist and tell her that the tubal ligation did not work". Well I'm not laughing. And I reply it's better that I do not see her.  Who are they anyway to play with my life?  So we go home, I cry, I'm upset...but that doesn't change anything, we are having a fourth child. So the week after we go for an U/S.

The technician has an attitude, I do not say anything, I figured let her do her job so I can get out of here. There is an embryo in the uterus and it has a heartbeat. So this makes it official. I start laughing, I saw the baby, it's the size of a peanut. My hubby says everything will be ok, so everything will be ok. We will be tight financially, I can just kiss goodbye to our trip in Europe for xmas (to see the in laws) and so much for an early retirement, because the chances are by the time the baby finishes College I will be 60. So anyway... it starts sinking in...what the heck, this will be a wonderful thing...and it's a miracle.

A week goes by, I start bleeding. Back to the hospital. Another U/S, the embryo did not grow and no heartbeat. Doc said I probably already lost the baby but did not notice it. WHAT? I just saw it on the screen 10 minutes ago! I should start having the miscarriage in a couple of days. I cant believe it, I did bleed but never enough to have lost the baby... this is crazy...the baby is dead? Well I go back home crying my heart out. This is not fair...I want this baby!!! So I take some vacation time, try to relax and I wait for the miscarriage to begin.

Well it's been 8 days...still no miscarriage. In fact, my belly grew, my breast are still soar, I still feel like throwing up after a meal and I still need to use the washroom at night. So...did they make a mistake? Is my mind playing tricks on me? The power of suggestion can be extremely strong. So we wait... March 31st we will see the doc and get checked out. Who knows...