Dark cloud over my head

   Sometimes I wonder if I wasn't born with a dark cloud over my head. I was starting to feel a little better, and a little more like trying then my husband's father died. That in itself was sad, but he'd been living with pain for so long, well... What upset me was my family. They really and truly don't understand the need to go back. I asked my Grandmother to borrow her car, and I had to listen to a lecture on how if he can't afford to go back then he shouldn't.
   I was so shocked I couldn't think of anything to say and just started crying. It's not like it's out of state or something. How in the world would somebody not go back home if they could when their father died? It just hurt me right down to the core to be reminded of all the reasons I have anxiety. I've spent my whole life trying to be the perfect person to this damn family. Can I tell you something? It's not possible to be perfect. NOT POSSIBLE!!   I've driven myself crazy trying to do the impossible and I don't know how to drive myself back.
   I've never wanted anything in this life but to be useful in this life to somebody. For people to be able to count on me. To be a strong woman. Now, I'm just trying to convince myself that I can go do the dishes without dying. I'm so sick with all these symptoms that I'm not useful to anyone.
   I'm going to try to go back with my husband for the funeral. I owe him that for everything he's put up with me. I really don't know how it's going to work out, but I'll try.
Love...