Down hill again

I am lonely.  I rung up J and I think I told her it was sunny and beautiful out.  But I don't remember.  I remember less and less as each minute passes.  I'm so confused all the time.  I'm dizzy and just weak.  

My vacuum broke.  I'm so sad.  What am I going to do?  Have you ever bought a vacuum?  They're way expen$ive, even the "cheaper" ones.  I don't have the money.  Cleaning is my life ... it is a result of my OCD, but it's one thing I have been able to manage.  But if I don't have anything to do, then what am I supposed to do?  

Something, right?  It's not that easy.  I'm apathetic - I don't care for anything.  The only other OCD habits I have is self destruction through means of cutting, wall banging, and excessively ripping my skin off.  

So I finished vacuuming and I thought, should I get a shower?  Should I eat?  Should I take a break?  I can't make decisions for myself.  It's like I can't, not like I'm indecisive.  I seriously just can't take care of myself.  

As of right now, I'm clean.  I took a shower and I have food waiting for me.  I didn't want to do any of this but I have and hopefully I'll be able to make it into the kitchen and get my food out of the microwave, because otherwise, it'll be in there for a week.  

Eat.

Then what?

I have some laundry to do but I don't want to do it.  I did plan on doing it today, I actually wanted to.  (Doing laundry at R and D's is risky and hazardous to my health - no joke.)  The trash needs to be taken out.  Same thing: plans canceled because one of the most ridiculous things I love has petered out.  

So now I'm heartbroken, lonely, depressed, confused, and worn out from being so depressed - all because of a vacuum.  

I want to take a break from the internet, but I can't because I'm tracking on WW.  It's so much easier to do it online than on a stupid piece of paper.  That is about it.  I have J's number so I don't have to worry about checking this site since most people don't keep in touch.  

I just want to be by myself.  The kind of alone where you need it, not because you're depressed, but just because you need a break from everything.  

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