All Journal Entries Journals

Karma Police

Apr 28, 2013 - 27 comments

Karma Police


Sooooo, On 'Losing My Religion'...I let my 'Guard' Down Late Yesterday Afternoon. I.E. I Just Stopped Caring For Awhile - The Most Dangerous - (Ironically A 'D' Word I left Out Of Yesterday's Entry.) - Thing I Could/Can Do. I Truly Let Myself Down. I Went Out And Drank 5 Beers.

Using The Excuses Of This Prolonged Sleeplessness, Rough Detox And Living In An Increasingly Destructive Co-Dependent Relationship Is Not An Option.

Three Songs To Myself Today:

Don't get my sympathy
Hanging out the 15th floor
You've changed the locks three times
He still comes reeling through the door
One day I'll get to you
And teach you how to get to purest hell

You do it to yourself, you do
And that's what really hurts
Is that you do it to yourself
Just you, you and no one else
You do it to yourself
You do it to yourself

('Just' -- by Radiohead)
Karma police arrest this girl
She stares at me
As if she owns the world and
We have crashed her party

Karma Police
I've given all I can
It's not enough
I've given all I can
But we're still on the payroll

This is what you get
This is what you get
This is what you get when you mess with us

And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
And for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

For for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
For for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself
Phew, for a minute there, I lost myself, I lost myself

Karma Police -- by Radiohead

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"

Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you'd only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

Breathe (2 AM) -- Anna Nalick

Post a Comment
Avatar f tn
by alex1234, Apr 28, 2013
Just by Radiohead is so appropriate for me!

Avatar f tn
by neveragainplease, Apr 28, 2013
Breathe is an awesome set of lyrics! Ya, 5 beers is a bit much. If it helps, here is some <3 LOOOVVVE <3

1796826 tn?1456093203
by Ben727, Apr 28, 2013
Don't Be So Hard On Yourself, That Can Be Problematic In-And-Of-Itself.

And don't underestimate the need for a release. That doesn't go away when we get clean. It just takes more work to find one that's healthy. Take this as the learning experience it is, and you'll be good as gold.

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Apr 28, 2013
The following is a cut & paste from a recent PM.

I'm telling myself the exact same thing I tell others which is: 'If you fall, don't run with it. Don't give up. Just pick yourself up, dust yourself off, turn yourself around and keep heading for that finish line' (Although there isn't a finish line for us, 'til we're in the ground. Period.) I'd also add that if we fall we must get ourselves 'witnessed' -- the way I'm doing w/ you right now and with the journals. I want people to know. It keeps us honest. Secrets and isolation are deathly to addicts (and to others, as well!) Also, I hate it when others say "you people are all so strong. I'm not like that. Why do I feel so fearful, etc." I want folks to know that every single one of us has the same risks and failings. That way they'll be more 'vigilant', and won't put anyone on a pedestal.

Don't worry about 'bothering' me. I need to get back to it and I need to stop 'isolating'. I have to punch through this darkness. Please help me and others by going to my journal and telling others to. It is important that people see (especially "Pink Clouders" and Newbies) that we're all in constant jeopardy and that no one here belongs on a pedestal. I want people to know that it's OK to post that everything's not alright. To stop all the 'everything's happy, happy, happy 24/7 BS' that I see so much of around here. Meanwhile, I get PM's from these people who are miserable and feeling like crap about themselves because they've used or whatever and they haven't been able to come forward because they feel like it's weakness and no one else is having similar issues. The longer they can't reach out or express themselves - the greater risk they run of falling backwards and being immolated in the undertow of their addiction.

4522800 tn?1469768332
by VICourageous, Apr 28, 2013
Hey Girlfriend..Whats up!!!!!!  lol  I do like it..Just a bit concerned..

1827057 tn?1397523877
by ricart70, Apr 28, 2013
I would like to preface this statement by saying this is not aa/na related.
I tried to keep my sobriety date once after relapsing but I did not and it was in the back of my mind I guess because it made it so much easier to have a full on 8 month relapse on my real d.o.c. only a month or so later.
Now I just really need to be careful about the losing hope and things getting bad and  me starting to feel so weird about myself and everything else.That is when getting high becomes a valid solution for me.  Sorry if this does not make much sense.I am sick with the flu.    Hang in there Annie     Good post and very helpful for all of the new people who think we don't struggle.It is just a different kind of struggle than they are in right now.

495284 tn?1333897642
by dominosarah, Apr 28, 2013
I will always be one pill or one drink away from disaster.  I can never let my guard down.  It doesnt matter if you have 1 minute or 1000 yrs clean, we all still have that little "gnome" swinging in the back of our head just waiting to pounce.  Noone should have to feel they are weak if they have a bad day or have relapsed.  This is the nature of the beast.  Non addicts have bad days too.  The difference is when we do our minds go to the one place we shouldnt be going and that is to use.  I remember awhile back posting about a coworker of mine.  She had brought pills to work and it just about did me in.  Some couldnt believe that it would still get to me.  This addiction is life long and something we have to work on daily.  I woke up today, the sun is shining, the air is warm so you would think all is good, it's not.  Sometimes the warm weather takes me back to when my parents were still alive.  My dad loved the outdoors, we planted flowers for my mom, we cleaned out gutters and he always grilled the best burgers.  Today i will take it minute by minute as my heart is heavy.

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Apr 28, 2013
Thanks all. Rick, really appreciate your comment. Spot on. I posted this for myself and for the site in general. Very important to us all, I believe.

Ben, I AM as good as gold, mate. (And at least as valuable as enriched Plutonium). {period outside the parentheses}

4522800 tn?1469768332
by VICourageous, Apr 28, 2013
I Fing Struggle every day..I am not used to not being able to run away from myself when I feel down and out..Or even when I do not understand my emotional roller ride..Even the pain I suffer with *****..I have talked about this at meetings..We all have issues..Its not Fing easy but it has its rewards when we give our life back to or God of

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Apr 28, 2013
Sarah, Vickie -- Thanks so much. Really appreciate this. Stay strong & thanks for the 'witness'! Hi-Five to you both.

495284 tn?1333897642
by dominosarah, Apr 28, 2013
Vicki....we can run, we can just never hide~

4522800 tn?1469768332
by VICourageous, Apr 28, 2013
Thanks Sarah..Annie this is good..Ok..I am really trying to look at myself and wonder Why???I thought maybe my using at 14 and on & off was just for the party until I experienced the w/ds from the opiates in 1995..Now I am doing some serious Soul searching..Was I always running from myself ??/Or was it the party..I know I wanted off the dones and cryed for 10 years because I was used to just walking away from all substances..Now it scare the F out of me..I read on here that not coming from a Touchy, Giving, Show your love kind of family can do something to you mentally..Now I am just concerned because I was always looking for Love in all the Wrong places..Then when my little Brother died and all his Friends behind him at a young age did real bad things to me..I just found out a week before my bother died of Christams Day that I could not have Children..He said Dede & Him are going to have 10 and he would give me a couple..Then he died ..We were very, very close..Of coarse at my age I have lost alot of friends and family..But this one hurts bad..There is a song that comes on the commercial by Willie Nelson "You were always on my Mind" I have to mute  

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Apr 28, 2013
Here's my definition of a "Pink Clouder" (this is from the same letter I sent to someone today that is cut & pasted into my journal today under my comment):

"Pink Clouding" usually occurs early in recovery and describes a state where newly clean addicts think they're 'cured' (which never happens.) They don't understand yet what's required down the line and are not 'grounded' (thus the 'cloud' reference.) You can recognize pink clouding because: "everything's" just great and sunny all the time and they think they're on top of the world. Also, they tend to be full of what I'd term 'thin' or incomplete advice to others because they themselves don't know where they're at yet. It's only in later PAWS that we start to realize exactly how difficult it is for us to stay clean.

4522800 tn?1469768332
by VICourageous, Apr 28, 2013
This is so true..I called it my Spiritual Pink Cloud..I fell of the cloud about in my 6-7 month..I am experiencing very strange Emotions right now..Like I said above..I do see that on here and I just bite my Tongue..Now I get PM from these people and I just tell them the truth.It does take Years..Take it from Sarah who has Five and she is having a tough day today..I do think it takes Years & Years and maybe the rest of our life..I do know I said this at a meeting to some that have 28 or so Years..They said it gets a bit better but the urge to use will come and go..and also it took me a long time to figure this site out..I had 3 months clean before I joined but I was still Bat Wing Crazy..I just stated to surf around to what MH has to offer on here and there is a bunch..A-Z on here..Wow..I am now re-channeling into my

5135507 tn?1367166827
by Cinderelly70, Apr 28, 2013
I admit I was a Pink Clouder.  After the initial withdrawals from fentanyl....I felt free, alive...I could take on the world. But that soon passed and reality slapped me in the face!  Most of you don't know this, but I lost twins in terrible accidents.   Austin,  3, in a house fire.  Allison,  5, electrocuted by the sitters electric fence she crossed over to get to the swingset.  All these raw emotions came forward, just as if it just happened.   I cry almost all the time now.  Every song reminds me of them...blooming flowers,  my daughter loved flowers.   Little bikes I see in yards.  Everything.  

I usually always get on here, pretending to be strong, but I'm probably one of the weakest here.  I'm not happy-go-lucky most days, hardly no days lately.   But my faith that I will see them again in heaven gives me the strength to go on.  That and my 3 boys I look at everyday who needs their mother.  

Maybe I got a little off-track here, just wanted everyone to know the truth about me.  I'm a wounded bird searching for my way.  I may have flaws, I'm definitely not perfect.   I have made my share of mistakes along this path.  I'm just thankful to have the friends I do to steer me in the right direction.

Thx Annie!   I love you girl!  :))

Avatar m tn
by OpenMind24hours, Apr 28, 2013
In the spirit of what Sarah wrote - when I was newly sober God blessed me with Jan, a good friend who happened to have 17 years clean and sober.  I was probably 6 months sober (or less) at the time and I was completely in awe of her. I hung on every word she had to say. In the course of a conversation with her at our downtown Detroit meeting (can't remember what about), I said, "you have 17 years clean, so you have nothing to worry about anymore". She stared me right in the eyeballs and said "don't you EVER believe that for a minute."  And I didn't believe her! How the hell could someone take a drink or a drug after 17 years abstinence, especially with the great knowledge about the program she had ?? ...well, about 27 years and one Vicodin later I found out that she was totally correct. When I was out using I thought of Jan often.

I'll ALWAYS be an addict. I can't even dream that I can control the use of drugs, including my beloved Miller Genuine Draft. One drug will lead to them all, and that's a guarantee. To stay clean I need to continue to work on my ultimate problem, which is myself. And I'm only clean on a daily basis and it's contingent on my mental, spiritual and physical condition, in that order. I got to do something positive for my recovery every day. I gotta train like I'm a boxer, and up next is the fight of my life, because in reality it really is.

4614494 tn?1368359985
by SmilingBright, Apr 28, 2013
Great journal Annie!!!  Thank you!!  I too was on the pink cloud my first month clean.  Then as ev one knows I slipped up.  Felt horrible about myself.  

But the reality  is that this is my road to recovery!!!  No one else's.  I may do things differently.   But I'm still just as deternined to be successful at beating this demon.   I refuse to be a slave to pills again!!  They disgust me bc they have so much power over so many people.

We all make mistakes Annie!!!  No one is perfect.  Exactly why I wrote in my journal last week that I'm striving for progress NOT perfection.  Since we will never ever be perfect. Yes it does kinda feel like it may be a little embarrassing to admit a slip up on the forum.  

Like someone said (we need a release sometimes).  Just need to learn new and healthy ones.  Personally I'm ok w having a glass of wine or two.  I don't feel bad about that at All!!  I know some people may not agree w me.  But that's ok.  That's why we r all different. ;)

Yes I'm praying for strength to make it through this lifelong process of fighting this addiction.  

Love ya Annie.  Thank u so much for being there for me when I fall!!!!  I'm back up shaking the dust off and ready to rumble again w this beast that's trying to take me down.  He won't win Annie!!   I got his number!!!
Thanks for being such words of wisdom for me and so many!!!  

4522800 tn?1469768332
by VICourageous, Apr 28, 2013
Very Good Chris..I know you will be fine..Great Journal..I sure wish we all could meet a few times a week..Everyone has there issues of why or what or how we used what we did..But the big thing is to just keep up the clean time we have..There will be a time in life that maybe we will need something for our pain..Hopefully for me I will have to give it to someone I could trust to hand them out..I also know it is walking in fire too!!!But no one needs to suffer in pain if they got in a bad car wreak or what ever..Ekkk Off the subject..All I know is that I seem to turn a new corner as the months tick

4614494 tn?1368359985
by SmilingBright, Apr 28, 2013
Thanks Vic!! I agree w u hon!! I will always have my guards up!!
But when life happens u dust yourself off get up and keep on fighting.  Don't Dwell  on past mistakes that will keep u stuck.   Guards up!!!!  God is good.

I sure would go to meetings if I could have all my buddies on my there!!  Let's do it Vic!!  Lol.

3197167 tn?1348972206
by clean_in_ks, Apr 28, 2013
Annie, are are progressing by leaps and bounds...albeit painfully for you at certain times.  Learning to "sit in your skin" as you say......finding a healthy release......making a wrong decision or choice here and there TEACHES us to make a better or different one the next time, right-o?

You may have "felt" like you just stopped caring for awhile....but you didn't.....or you wouldn't have revealed your soul to us.  You value HONESTY.....and know your life and recovery DEPEND on it.  I love you for that!  That's why the "H" in HOW recovery works stands for "honesty".....cause unless we any cost.....we will not succeed.  We grow during that process even if we feel like we are "letting ourselves down".....(IF we are able to be honest after the fact.)

UN-learning and RE-learning is a process.  You said you were not "using the excuses of prolonged sleeplessness, a rough detox, and living in an increasingly destructive co-dependent relationship"......but are you "reviewing those factual occurrences" for future moments?  They don't have to be excuses to be accepted as our current reality, do they?
You expect A LOT from yourself.... and you are VERY HARD on yourself....sometimes you may even be "helping others" when you need to be "helping Annie" instead, huh?  .and this process of learning new ways of coping, decision making, recognizing unhealthy situations, etc. is PART of our/your journey.  We can be grateful to ALL our teachers if we learn from them.  And you have an open heart and mind....and a willing spirit.  The "danger signs" posted along your particular road may be different than mine....but I have learned that I must "H.A.L.T." when I see one of those warnings of danger ahead.......and talk, ask, pray, seek, read, listen or some NEW behavior that feels very hard for me at the time.   Also, I have to ask myself which of those things in my H.A.L.T. warning applies right then and there....H=hungry..A=angry..L=lonely and T=tired.  If I am even just ONE of those......I risk making an "old" choice that isn't healthy for me.

Each new experience that I make it thru without using a mind altering "anything", for me, like being put thru the Refiner's Fire.....the dross comes out each and every time......and we are more pure, more clean, shine more....and are that much closer to living a life that illustrates that trials MAKE us shine brighter (but damn it's "hot" in there.....LOL)

And sharing my "trial by fire" with another person not only blesses me.....but it blesses them, too.  So, I thank you for that, too, Annie.

Lastly, further understanding the "surges" of neuro chemicals in my brain and what I'm getting ready to share here, also helps me to "lighten up" some on myself.....because the lower my expectations....the higher my serenity.  They are ALWAYS in direct proportion to each other (in my life anyway).

On one of Dr. Kevin McCauley's short videos available on You Tube (he's a recovering addict, too) where he explains Pleasure Unwoven, he explained something about the Pleasure Center in addict's brain that has been proven by brain images that fascinated me as well as helped me to not be so hard on myself as I learn this new life of recovery.

He says, "With time.....deep channels are carved into the brain.  And after MUCH time, these drug pathway channels become stronger and stronger and the normal pathways become weaker and weaker.  A doctor from Harvard who studies addiction  "Calls addiction a pathological OVER learning of the drug.....and ALL that goes with it.  This isn't a normal memory, this is a drug hyper-memory and these memories may be permanent.  They leave the addict vulnerable to relapse even after years of abstinence."

So knowing that, helps me to be more patient with myself; recognizing it's a physical RE-learning as well as emotional, mental and spiritual.  The gag word again.....TIME.......but in time......we DO re-learn and are aware of our danger signs.

My favorite definition of patience is:  "my attitude WHILE I wait"....hahaha!  And, granted, my attitude really s**ks eggs at times.......but knowing I will always be an addict and I that I can be clean and me HOPE.

Annie......thank you for baring your soul.......and sharing your journey.   I am blessed to walk alongside you~

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Apr 28, 2013

Jaysus, where'd you learn to write? What'd you use to do? I've said it before and I'll say it again. You've got a mind like a steel trap. Incredible. Love this metaphor:

Each new experience that I make it thru without using a mind altering "anything", for me, like being put thru the Refiner's Fire.....the dross comes out each and every time......and we are more pure, more clean, shine more....and are that much closer to living a life that illustrates that trials MAKE us shine brighter (but damn it's "hot" in there.....LOL)

Yes, I'm familiar w/ Dr. McCauley's work and I'm aware that much of what I'm going through is very 'neural'/physical in nature. I try to explain this on the forum all the time when people are so concerned about their depression/anxiety levels.

I agree that I'm too hard on myself. That goes back to early childhood w/ me. Lot's of familial pressure to excel and not much stroking, I guess. Anyhow, Thank you - as always I'm in complete accord w/ your points and observations.

I especially want to thank Cindy, Chris and Vickie for talking so bravely and candidly about their initial experiences as "Pink Clouders" and also for sharing some of their stories and feelings with us. I'm so very proud to be friends with all of you and I'm also proud of your impressive accomplishments in the face of great challenges.

Robert, my friend..what can I say. You shared the perfect anecdote to illustrate the crux of what we face. I thank you for the 'witness' and for all the generosity you've shown since we've become friends and even before. You're really something special but I've told you that before. (Just wanted that on public record.)
All, I got several PM's that people checked this thread out but didn't post. So, hopefully this will help newer folks on here as we all draw strength from one another. Thanks again.

495284 tn?1333897642
by dominosarah, Apr 28, 2013
There isnt one of us that are weak here.  In all reality we are some of the strongest people on earth.  We lost sight of ourselves somewhere down the road.   We forgot that we were humans with real emotions.  Enter we are faced with these emotions without the aid of drugs or alcohol.  Our emotions are raw and cut to the core and we dont like to feel pain, both physically or mentally.   It is so important to face our demons, deal with them and set them free.  I cried most of the day on and off, not something i like to do but i allowed myself to feel the emotions as i am grateful i am here and able to feel~

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Apr 28, 2013
Thank you &  thank you once more Sarah for sharing your story. I'm sorry that you're filled with sorrow on your big milestone. You're so right about sitting with our feelings and all that we kept at arms length through the years of drugging and not feeling. I too, am grateful to be feeling. No matter what it is.

495284 tn?1333897642
by dominosarah, Apr 28, 2013
I am better tonight so all is good.  Had i not stopped using i would of been 6 ft under and unable to feel anything.  Good memories cause tears too and that is also okay.....

Thank you for this journal by the way.  It so helped me today~

4522800 tn?1469768332
by VICourageous, Apr 29, 2013
Ohhhh..Thanks for sharing gang..I too must think like Sarah and deal with the emotions because I was dieing each day..I would of been dead right now most likely the way I was going..So I am very Blessed to be here to

Avatar f tn
by ROSYouralright, Aug 15, 2013
I know you posted this a while ago but oh how it helped me today. Thank you for sharing.

Avatar f tn
by EvolverU, Aug 15, 2013
I'm so glad it helped, Rosy! That's what it's here for...all of us. If you ever need me, I'm here, my friend.

Post a Comment