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will he leave me for being sick

Apr 29, 2013 - 13 comments

I have been diagnosed with Major Depression at 25. I am now 45, it has been a struggle at times, to even take a shower . I'm proud I got in the shower today. What I am concerned about is that my husband sees me depressed. He knew I had a disability when we got married 3 years ago. Yet I find he is disappointed in me. I know his ex wife is energetic and smiles a lot, and his past relationships were women who were very motivated with life. I hate being this way..and I'm afraid I will lose everything. I am on medication for Depression, dr wants to give me an extra boost of wellbutrin. I just don't know why I'm depressed, I have a good husband, stepson who loves me so much. why?

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by specialmom, Apr 29, 2013
Hi there.  Depression is so hard to deal with ----  both for the person suffering it and those that love them.  There are different reasons for depression and one is completely unrelated to our circumstances in our life.  If our chemicals of the brain are out of whack, it can result in depression.  I'm glad you are taking medication and if your doctor wants to tweak things so that you are feeling better and functioning better, I'd strongly consider it.  I hope you are doing talk therapy along with the medication on a regular basis.  Other lifestyle things are helpful---  exercise each and every day, yoga, meditation, journaling, staying active and busy.  

It is true that it is hard to live with someone with chronic major depression.  However, it feels better doing so when we see over and over that someone is working on it.  peace and luck to you

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by RockRose, Apr 29, 2013
I agree with SM.

"Major depression" isn't usually related to anything tangible - that is,  from the outside,  the persons life looks good.  Like you,  many depressed people live in comfortable and secure circumstances.

It's a brain chemical thing.

I agree with the exercise,  and trying a new med your doc wants to try - and also make a commitment to do something for pleasure every single day.  You can't end the day and look back and pick something that was pleasurable - you have to do this as a planning exercise.  It can be something as simple as planning to stop by a beautiful plant nursery,  and walking through the flowering bush aisle and smelling the gardenias and roses.  Go to the nicest part of town for a neighborhood walk.  Get out of the house EVERY SINGLE DAY,  even if you haven't showered that day.  Go to a prettier grocery store across town - like a Whole Foods and buy beautiful unusual fruit.  Whatever gives you pleasure,  do it at least once a day.  (And it's not laundry because you get pleasure out of clean clothes.  That's not it.)

Best wishes.  I think you're very wise to head this off - because yes,  if your husband likes women who are motivated with life,  he'll likely become frustrated.

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by hrb40, Apr 30, 2013
Your husband loves you for who you are! Repeat, if he wanted the other person he would have stayed with her. This us your depression talking. Try the new med you might need a boost. Now repeat daily my husband and step-son love me for who I am, repeat every day, and don't compare yourself to others, you are unique. God bless

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by RockRose, Apr 30, 2013
hrb,  that's really sweet advise but I don't think that works.  If he's communicating that he's disappointed in her,  he is,  and she's at risk eventually of losing him.  "Yet I find he is disappointed in me" is reality speaking,  and not depression speaking.  Living with someone who is chronically depressed is EXCEPTIONALLY trying,  and is the cause for a lot of divorces.

I think it's sweet and encouraging what you wrote,  but in fact,  accepting living in her current conditions will ruin her life happiness,  and put her relationship at risk.

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by mia443, Apr 30, 2013
I know he appreciates me  when I try...for instance. Just getting laundry done and picking up Michael son from school

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by nursegirl6572, Apr 30, 2013
I very much agree with rose.  Mia, I too struggle with depression, our lives sound a lot alike.  My depression presents itself primarily as lack of motivation and isolation.  I'm not a "sad" depressed person.  I don't have crying jags, etc..I just have VERY little interest in getting engaged in my life, and am irritable...which is even harder I think on the loved ones.  If I was sad and crying, I think it would be easier to accept (as a spouse).

I know that MY hubby gets frustrated with me as well some (well, a lot of) days.  The sad thing is, the lack of motivation and sometimes flat affect makes us just appear like we're lazy or don't care.  I KNOW how hard it is to motivate yourself, and I KNOW how the simplest tasks are a chore.  But, there ARE ways to deal with it to make things better.  For one, always keep working with your mental health team.  Much of depression treatment is trial and error as far as finding the right med, the right therapist, etc.  The right med can make SUCH a difference...same with the right therapist.

The other thing like rose said is setting some small goals for yourself...that's HUGE and where the bigger changes happen.  It's hard at first, but it DOES get easier.  Most days, if I want to meet the goals I set for myself and more, I have to literally PUSH myself.  I have to force myself, but once I do, I feel 200% better (which is what makes me able to push myself, because I know that).  Then, once I've met that small goal, I start finding myself doing other things I didn't plan on, because it feels good, and I start to enjoy that sense of accomplishment.  I also know that when I have a day where I get more accomplished, my husband is thrilled, like a little kid.  If I sit and think about it (which I have the knack of now thinking about it)..it's really quite pathetic (feeling)...to have your husband come home and be proud because you folded the laundry...but that's our lives.  Depression stinks.

While we can't help being how we are, we CAN work to improve ourselves, and we have to have some understanding of what it must be like being our loved ones.  It's NOT easy.  A lot of our shortcomings due to the depression fall on our spouses and children, and it causes resentment.  Even though they KNOW we've got a legit issue, it doesn't stop them from feeling like they're doing everything, and in turn, resenting us for it.  That's why it IS important to SHOW him that you're trying.  Talk about your doc/therapy appts with him..let him in on the game plan.  Talk openly about the kind of day you had, let him know you're setting goals and TRYING.  It goes a long way, believe me.  MUCH of our progress depends DIRECTLY on how much we're willing to do to push ourselves.  

I wouldn't worry too much about him leaving you, but you're smart to be concerned.  Depression is a lot for a loved one to bear sometimes, but I think most loved ones aren't the type to bail. It's important to recognize when he's communicating frustrations to you...we have to validate their feelings, not get defensive and argue about it (been there).  Just give a little, show him that you really ARE trying, even when it's hard...and he'll see that you genuinely are.  My husband knows very much when I am trying and when I'm allowing myself to stay stuck in a slump.  He's a lot less patient and tolerant when I refuse to try, and I can't blame him.  My kids deserve a better me, *I* deserve a better me, not to mention HIM!  The beauty of trying is that you really WILL feel better.  I do, every time I do something I was putting off, or having a tough time starting, even if it is literally cleaning the BR.  The more I sit and "mope" and procrastinate, the worse I feel.  If I only took all of my own advice..lol.  Seriously though, I have my good days and my bad ones, and while I have to work at the good ones sometimes...EVERYONE in the house notices them and appreciates them.

I feel for you hon...I'm right there with you, it's not easy, I know.  Keep talking about it too, okay?  XOXO

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by nursegirl6572, Apr 30, 2013
I just don't know why I'm depressed, I have a good husband, stepson who loves me so much. why?


Oh, and this?  ^^^^^

Put it out of your mind...don't ask yourself that again.  You cannot and will not make sense of it.  Ironically, most of the people I know who are depressed are the ones who truly DO have good lives.  I'm one of them.  I have an amazing family, great friends, a nice house...and yet I'm depressed.  I have friends who have REAL big struggles, have suffered incomprehensible losses, have been near homeless, struggled with addiction, abuse, and yet THEY are not depressed.  Makes sense?  Heck no!!!

I learned when I was diagnosed with panic disorder that the "why" becomes unimportant very quick (unless of course in situations where there is some past trauma that needs addressed).  The "what do I do about it"?...is the important question.

K?

:0)

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by mia443, Apr 30, 2013
Tired..did s lot today.. just still grels like not enough ...yo make him be nice and happy.. I will pick up med..I will fight this..what can I do nurse girl so he will be happy when he comes home.. I made meatloaf and veggies washed to small room floor exhausted
.d..keep wanting to play FB games

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by nursegirl6572, Apr 30, 2013
It will take some time hon for things to change in a more major way.  Even if he doesn't say anything, I'm sure your efforts didn't go unnoticed.  Strike up a conversation with him...ask him about his day...ask him to go for a walk with you?  Something like that!

And, the things like FB and FB games are a depressed person's worst enemy.  You really have to limit the time you spend doing things like that.  I get sucked in, and before you know it, an hour has passed, and I feel awful because I didn't make better use of my time.  Everything in moderation.  Save the games for later in the evening after the family is in bed, or do it in the morning over a cupo of coffee, but don't spend lots of time doing that kind of stuff.

There's a fine line between a lack of motivation from depression and us sometimes getting stuck in a rut and not doing much of anything because that's what we're used to.  I'm depressed but I'm also lazy in a lot of ways.  I have to catch myself to be sure I'm not making depression a "pass" for my laziness at times.  Just something to keep in mind.

This all takes time dear.  Try to be patient with yourself.  You can't expect everything to get 100% better overnight.  Ok?

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by ricart70, Apr 30, 2013
I was very very depressed at one time like you are speaking of.Exercise saved my life and I still run every day.I almost never take a day off.Hang in there and do not feel bad about yourself

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by brice1967, Apr 30, 2013
I too suffer from depression but I do have a lot better handle on it these days.  There is so much good advice above and so many of our stories are so similar.  Depression can certainly drive away loved ones, so with that said I will offer you this.  I would do everything I could to make sure that I am addressing the problem.  Diet, exercise, doing something just for me, medicine, therapy, and even writing can be a big help.

I found a lot of relief in writing in places like medhelp.  I kept most of my journals up.  I wrote truthfully and I got to a point where I didn't want to suppress my emotions anymore.  Letting others know how I felt and being reassured that I was "normal" helped in a big way.

Keep working at it and let your husband know that you are working at it.  Prove it to him.  Being on something like FB is not working on the issue.  Spend 10 minutes a day on FB if you give it any attention at all.  Spend time on getting the old you back.  REdiscover yourself through reading and writing.  Remember to relax at the end of the day.  Meditation is something that can hel;p center one.

The key is to be active in your fight with depression.  The more you sit idle, the more depression can slip through the cracks.  Do something about it and for you and your family.

Bless you.

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by mia443, May 01, 2013
Yes FB games are addicting and a way to get away from reality. I play 2 hours a day..wasted time. I feel terrible about it. Right I will do everything to combat it...and face it. I was a runner at one time 5 miles a day. Then started again, back went out. need to start slow. need to to this this this this.... so much. wish someone would take care of me, not just workwise..take me out for a walk give me a push. ..i'm on my own. sometimes i'm just wanting to take a plane ride somewhere new Colorado, Portland, Seattle...just to get away from this..well off to the post office, then to buy my husband something sweet he likes, cake cookies...He feels that he works so much ...I don't need massages , only he does..I feel so anxious

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by RockRose, May 01, 2013
mia,  first,  you can't make anyone else happy.  If he's basically a happy man who is frustrated with how depressed you have been,  that's one thing.  If he basically an unhappy man and is snapping at you and picking on you because he's unhappy himself,  that's an entirely different thing and you can't fix that.  

I think an adventure would be GREAT for you.  Can you manage it?  Can you take off to any of those places for several days and hike?  Vacations are SO rejuvenating!  If you can't,  can you take little mini ones like day hikes?  (I went to your profile to look at what there is to do in your area,  and am amazed at your town!!  It's shaped exactly like a bird in flight.  How beautiful.  The area looks gorgeous.)

I'll say it again,  and agree with Ricart - you need exercise.  Since your back is hurting it sounds like picking running back up is not a good option,  but long walks in a beautiful area will help a lot.  Anxiety causes depression in your endocrine system.  Anxiety causes you to run on adrenaline,  and after that you get what's called "adrenaline fatigue" and you get chemically depressed.

Today,  get out there and walk somewhere!  Get out,  don't stay in the house.

Best wishes.

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