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May 15, 2013 - 7 comments

i just feel bad.  I try to wait until night to write, cuz that way im in the best mood, but the truth is I feel bad.  and I guess I have been feeling bad for a long time.  one friend of mine, he would like, see these js sometimes and he would go, 'you seem to be doing pretty good.'  idk why anyone would say that.  does it really seem like im doing good?  I mean, about the clean time yes I could be said to be doing good.  but im talking about my mood and like, living life day to day.

I mean, yeah I am getting through the practical side of things and functioning.

I have two short days and two long days of work a week, and Fridays you know, off.  I do better usually on the work days, though the short ones are harder, but in general I do better with the structure.  mornings are hard on work and off days.

this week has been kind of weird in that I feel more or less settled in here at the apartment.  and Idk what the f*ck to do with myself.  I have all kinds of little things, like dishes, trash, laundry, fixing up things around the apartment and I still have to make my clothes nice in my drawers so I can find them, and sort of figure out the clothes sitch its a little wack and since I lost some not a ton of weigh I have nothing to wear.  these are quality problems ha ha

idk I feel so frustrated with the whole Contents thing and the divorce its starting to drive me nuts.  there are like, 3 steps of divo so they told us.  one is what we already did sort of the initial reckoning.  the second I guess is to agree on the division of property and other material goods and third I think is just paper finalizing, the best thing about that is I will get my name back.  but that's a ways away I guess.

since my last fight with the ac which was last week he has not been communicating with me, he's just being a real ****.  can I say that or is it starred out?  d*ck.  and um ... idk about the rest of the furniture, the kitchen contents, and the electronics.  and I am super frustrated with not having bowls, silverware, plates, cups, glasses, mugs, can openers, pot holders, towels, sheets, etc.  and I desperately need a dvd player cuz I cant do any workout dvds without it.  and that is freakin me up big time, since I don't feel like hiking or running every day and I need Charlotte here to show me ht work the machines downstairs again.

I know im just complaining. I  know it could be worse.

so I ask myself what is it I do to fill up my time, like today I don't feel like writing cuz im sad and down.  work out.  that was the main thing I did.  and I started to google tracks again and I think there is one at the college so I will go check it out this week.  but today I just feel like what?  what should I do?

I am watching tv and I smoked a cigarette and did some dishes.  ooh fun

I was thinking, since mm calls me alls the time, I should invite her over to just lie down in the bed with me (that's all!  god I don't like her that way) so I can pretend I am sleeping with someone for a few minutes.

and I broke down and bought this set of four steak knives for a dollar at the drugstore but the minute I used one the blade came off in my hands.

and im so fustrateed.  I have said that three times.  sorry.

and I wanted to drink some water with ice in it but the two glasses I got at the 99c store both cracked.

and I know!  im feeling sorry for myself I know ok

and im just

I mean

I just

I don't want Josh.  he's a child.  and he isn't even that cute.  and I bet his writing sixxxx!  but that's mean.  sorry Josh

and um ....

I think the ac is not going to call me when the contents come in if they ever freakin do cuz he is being a azzhole

and ... I don't want to call cuz then I start tripping on the hole fire thing and I just ik im a baby ik!  ok .. sue me.  and I just freak out when I hear smoke alarms go off in the bldg.

I mean I am trying to do better.

I really am.

I just feel sad.  and my T says its normal and its just the time I am swimming upstream and I guess I have to feel all this spit.

but I feel awful ... most of the time

and im bored and lonely

I was thinking, could I go to Yaddo?  but I think you already have to have stuff published plus its prolly all youngsters and they be like 'get this old lady off the grounds' right?  yo idk

or go back to school and be some kinda counselor chick like

but idk if I could handle skule right now

I mean like something that seems remotely hopeful

what is that?  

cuz this, like what Im doing now .. I know its not that bad.  but mostly I hate it.  I hate being alone.  I freakin hate it.  so this is ... like, being clean?  for this?

I know.  horrible attitude.  but I am clean.  twelve.

later days!

yo sup

Meegy

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by Brightfutureahead, May 16, 2013
Meeg- sorry you're feeling down. (I tried to write "fachached" and spellcheck kept changing it to 'fax head') lol. Sounds like you need to do something fun, or be around some good peeps for a few hours. I know, it's hard when you're not in the mood. xo

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by meegWpaw, May 16, 2013
hey L I tried to respond to this 3 hours ago on my fone and it didn't work ... just got my computer up and running.  ty so much ... I was just thinking about you this morning, and how strong you've been in the face of adversity and what a great attitude you always have ... ty so much for always being here for me.  did you mean fuhucked for like, feeling down?  hmm ... <3  I heart you ... mp

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by Brightfutureahead, May 16, 2013
I'm sry I knew that would be confusing...it's not a real word but a term I hear once in a while...I'll try to spell it phonetically: fu-chach-ed. It just means... like...sad, messed up, overwhelmed, discombobulated, etc etc.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've been thinking of you as well :)

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by EvolverU, May 16, 2013
Hey Meeg, thanks for writing this all down. Good way to exorcise - (even if you can't exercise at the moment!) I was thinking while I was reading through it how familiar some of your feelings are to me. I went through something similar after a break up (that I initiated) in a new city and country. It was the first time I'd ever lived alone. So, what I'm trying to say is that I feel for you. It's disorienting. Also, couldn't you get dishes, etc. from a thrift shop/yard sales. They'd be better quality..

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by meegWpaw, May 16, 2013
Hey L yeah I didn't think I was right but I didn't just want to ignore that word ... it sounds to me like some Yiddish/German word but I don't really know much about those languages I just have some really dim memory of it ... hmm ... things that make you go 'hm' .... yes that definition describes me lol ty L ... ur the best gf ...

Annie ty it means a lot to me that you commented and that you can relate.  Yeah the dishes thing good point, I am just so frustrated with not getting the real stuff that I have this block against doing anything about it ... but yes, perhaps this weekend.  ty for taking the time to write to me  :)  :)

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by VICourageous, May 16, 2013
Hi Hun..How are you now?? I know it is Fing hard sometimes..I have my Yo-Yo ride now & then..Sometimes I just do not know what is right or wrong..We must "keep on pushing" Right..Ekkkkk  lol
And that just really scares me about Bktity...

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by meegWpaw, May 16, 2013
Vickie part of ur comment I need to check into I think.  but ya I am feeling a lot better at the moment!  yeah gotta keep pushing ... now why is that so much easier when I feel good than when I feel bad!?  ty for stopping by, your comments always cheer me up!  ur so sweet!  --mp

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