May 15, 2013
i just feel bad. I try to wait until night to write, cuz that way im in the best mood, but the truth is I feel bad. and I guess I have been feeling bad for a long time. one friend of mine, he would like, see these js sometimes and he would go, 'you seem to be doing pretty good.' idk why anyone would say that. does it really seem like im doing good? I mean, about the clean time yes I could be said to be doing good. but im talking about my mood and like, living life day to day.
I mean, yeah I am getting through the practical side of things and functioning.
I have two short days and two long days of work a week, and Fridays you know, off. I do better usually on the work days, though the short ones are harder, but in general I do better with the structure. mornings are hard on work and off days.
this week has been kind of weird in that I feel more or less settled in here at the apartment. and Idk what the f*ck to do with myself. I have all kinds of little things, like dishes, trash, laundry, fixing up things around the apartment and I still have to make my clothes nice in my drawers so I can find them, and sort of figure out the clothes sitch its a little wack and since I lost some not a ton of weigh I have nothing to wear. these are quality problems ha ha
idk I feel so frustrated with the whole Contents thing and the divorce its starting to drive me nuts. there are like, 3 steps of divo so they told us. one is what we already did sort of the initial reckoning. the second I guess is to agree on the division of property and other material goods and third I think is just paper finalizing, the best thing about that is I will get my name back. but that's a ways away I guess.
since my last fight with the ac which was last week he has not been communicating with me, he's just being a real ****. can I say that or is it starred out? d*ck. and um ... idk about the rest of the furniture, the kitchen contents, and the electronics. and I am super frustrated with not having bowls, silverware, plates, cups, glasses, mugs, can openers, pot holders, towels, sheets, etc. and I desperately need a dvd player cuz I cant do any workout dvds without it. and that is freakin me up big time, since I don't feel like hiking or running every day and I need Charlotte here to show me ht work the machines downstairs again.
I know im just complaining. I know it could be worse.
so I ask myself what is it I do to fill up my time, like today I don't feel like writing cuz im sad and down. work out. that was the main thing I did. and I started to google tracks again and I think there is one at the college so I will go check it out this week. but today I just feel like what? what should I do?
I am watching tv and I smoked a cigarette and did some dishes. ooh fun
I was thinking, since mm calls me alls the time, I should invite her over to just lie down in the bed with me (that's all! god I don't like her that way) so I can pretend I am sleeping with someone for a few minutes.
and I broke down and bought this set of four steak knives for a dollar at the drugstore but the minute I used one the blade came off in my hands.
and im so fustrateed. I have said that three times. sorry.
and I wanted to drink some water with ice in it but the two glasses I got at the 99c store both cracked.
and I know! im feeling sorry for myself I know ok
and im just
I don't want Josh. he's a child. and he isn't even that cute. and I bet his writing sixxxx! but that's mean. sorry Josh
and um ....
I think the ac is not going to call me when the contents come in if they ever freakin do cuz he is being a azzhole
and ... I don't want to call cuz then I start tripping on the hole fire thing and I just ik im a baby ik! ok .. sue me. and I just freak out when I hear smoke alarms go off in the bldg.
I mean I am trying to do better.
I really am.
I just feel sad. and my T says its normal and its just the time I am swimming upstream and I guess I have to feel all this spit.
but I feel awful ... most of the time
and im bored and lonely
I was thinking, could I go to Yaddo? but I think you already have to have stuff published plus its prolly all youngsters and they be like 'get this old lady off the grounds' right? yo idk
or go back to school and be some kinda counselor chick like
but idk if I could handle skule right now
I mean like something that seems remotely hopeful
what is that?
cuz this, like what Im doing now .. I know its not that bad. but mostly I hate it. I hate being alone. I freakin hate it. so this is ... like, being clean? for this?
I know. horrible attitude. but I am clean. twelve.