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Hmph.....

May 16, 2013 - 26 comments

So this journal is not directed at anyone in particular or of events... It's just a vent in my mind.

So there was a huge MH ordeal where it was "us" against "them", the people who finally had their blessing to those still struggling. But what I don't understand is the double standard. Why should I waste time I could be spending with my family to come on here to check in and support those still struggling when no one cares how I'm doing.

I rarely get notes or comments or anything...now I will be honest, I don't care. I know we are all busy and have busy lives. I'm not one of those people who needs constant attention to feel I matter but don't expect the same from me. People have deleted profiles and made up alias' to "avoid" the unkind people... They have deleted me and what not, but I don't care... It just annoys me that people expect me to be that way, or any of us...

Why is it ok for one person to be busy but not others, why can one person not respond immediately and it's fine but another person is doesn't and their blacklisted??

This used to an amazing place for support and advice and now it's just seems like a bunch of caddy women making cliques... It's really quite sad. I see statuses bashing other women, people gossiping about others... What happened??? How in a few short years did it become this?? Now don't get me wrong, there are still quite a few understanding good hearted people left. And I'm not innocent, I've rolled my eyes one more the one occasion, but when did it become so selfish. So "it's all about me, listen to me, only I matter"

I think maybe my time has come.... It's hard to invest my time in something that just ***** the life out of you.

So if anyone even read this, thanks for listening to my vent and rambling...LOL!!!

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by JennaRie, May 16, 2013
wow, sounds like a few people on your friends list are still stuck in high school! my advice is remove the offending people so you don't have to see the whining ;) I haven't seen any of that on my feed but I also tend to ignore friend requests from people who seem immature based on what I see on their profiles and journals. also, I can't imagine anyone deleting you - you're the best person out of my MH friends about giving support to others with notes and comments!

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by JennaRie, May 16, 2013
you, mhv and hopeitworks are all very good at giving support :)

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by butterflybabies, May 16, 2013
Thats why we are fb friends lol.. It is hard for me to get on here from my phone. So I dont always check in and if people dont understand that I am busy then thats fine. I still post pics and update for the friends I have that care to see/hear from me. (there are a few i am not fb friends with on here) . I try to offer support when I can. I care about everyone still ttc as I have not forgotten the pain and frustration that comes with ttc. I read more status's and updates and journals and most time I dont respond because i have a lot to say and just dont have the time to type it all out. On the rare occasion I get more then 5 min to myself I will respond.

Anyway I still love you!! lol...

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by MeYeah, May 16, 2013
I think those who haven't gone through the baby process don't really understand and or comment on baby. It's hard to understand or feel happy and comment on those who have things we want.

I went through this feeling too. I felt like i had lost all my friends on here after the arrival of my son. I went through a lot alone here. I didn't know how to say i needed support and that I was having PPD when others wanted what i had so badly. I had to step away from here and realize that this community while GREAT for ttc is not as great for motherhood.

I still come on here but i don't update much other than a couple of statuses a month. I do try to comment if it's something i have something to say about or if i feel i can help. otherwise i consider myself a ghost here.

I am a member of livejournal and their parenting 101 community which is amazing. I also am a member of the birth month community for my son (june2012 &july2012 because his due date was july but he was born in june). I also find baby center and some of the other baby ones much better in terms of after ttc & pregnancy talk.

I would have liked this site to transition to mom and baby friendly but i have found that it just didn't work out that way. There are a few people who do make an effort to keep in touch but i just don't even bother to hope for anything anymore. it's not worth hurt feelings. If it happens GREAT! I appreciate it.

I hope things get better! <3



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by krichar, May 16, 2013
Thanks everyone :) it's more observations then anything... I just remember being sad for myself but also so excited for those that I know struggled and in some people it just seems its not there anymore. I've known way too many great people with amazing resources who've left because of it all. Just feels like this group (not us, but those in the TTC category) in general is more needy and less supportive...

Thanks Jenna, I try my best when I can...it's not always easy with an almost 13yo boy in a million activities and a another toddler boy destroying the house, lol!!

Exactly lily!! I try to comment on here on your pics, but I love seeing your boys everyday on FB... I miss it when you don't post (which is rare, lol)

MeYeah- thanks :) I feel in life people have lost empathy. For both sides.... Those TTC and those with kids... I hated feeling guilty I had my boy... I struggled for 11yrs to get him here, my age gap wasn't by choice. Now some on here feel posting pics and milestones is bragging, but that's what FB is for, lol!!


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by Des_a_rae, May 16, 2013
I'm just going to say.." It's called LIFE" and those selfish people need to get over it!!  I don't even have kids and I don't have the time to be here every hour of every day.  You have 2 children..I don't even see where you find spare time to even be on here lol.  Especially if they are little.  Some are truely selfish..all about themselves and its' pathetic.  I know people are struggling, heII I'm struggling to have a child but that don't mean I'm going to be mad at someone who is my "friend" and can't be here for me everyday.  I'm not even here everyday.  I say find something to occupy your time..IF you have that much d@mn time that you can honestly sit here everyday and get p!ssed off at the people who have a life, then you obviously have tooo much time on your hands.  Besides, it's not doing you any good worrying about it in the first place.  Get a hobby!!  Learn something new, go out and physically help people... there's more things to do than sit here and dwell.  I'm not mad at anyone..I'm not directing this towards anyone specific either..it's just how I feel.  It's completely understandable that if you have children, they are and should be your number one priority!!  Your kids, your family, YOURSELF, your life.  All of that comes before Medhelp.   It may sound selfish, but that's how I live my life.  I don't have kids, I know..but I do have a life.  And I'm not saying that my friends on here..kids or no kids are not important to me, believe me, they are..it's just I don't have time to be here every hour of everyday.  I do come on here from time to time..to give support, check on people..I've needed support myself and have gotten it.  But it's okay..if there comes a time when someone isnt' available.

Also I want to say coming here I LOVE seeing all the blessings.  I LOVE seeing those smiling faces, the newborn pics, reading the birth stories.  I'm  a little jealous, but in a good way.  Sure I want my own one day..but I love knowing that all the wonderful women I have on my MH lists have recieved theirs.  I think that's all I can think of now.  Sorry for just blurting it out on your post.  

I'm extremely grateful for my MedHelp friends!!  

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by krichar, May 16, 2013
Here Here Des!! Can you hear me clapping? Very well said :)

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by Yrmacias, May 16, 2013
oh no i havent noticed any of this nonsense, Krichar. I know that at times I dont respond right away, but its only 'cause my phone 1/2 of the time doesnt allow me to post comments :( I'm just here for the support and to give any support or advice. :(

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by Des_a_rae, May 16, 2013
Lol thanks!  Didn't want to offend anyone and I hope I didn't.  Just being honest.  :)

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by retta483, May 16, 2013
I feel the same way sometimes  Im on both side's of the fence ttc and have kid's . I feel bad when I meet someone and they are on for their entire pregnancy and then after the baby gone . feels like your friendship did not even matter . or when ppl get bfn after bfn and then are done talking to everyone . Im a busy mom but i still make time for others . I wish i knew about mh sooner when my lo's we babies . and krichar i guilty of a few eye rolls myself lol

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by haz1104, May 17, 2013
I agree with every single comment above. Krichar u Rock!! and u shouldn't care about those who no less of how 2b supportive, gossip, and cash about each other.
I believe we're still a lovely "group" even thu life can take us away for a couple of days a month or weeks a yr..we still show a great example of how we should stand up for each other and back ourselves up with great friends and even SISTERS!..
Retta has 6 kids and look how AMAZING she is?!..U, have ur hands full with two kids and "life" and u still manage to pull off a great supportive attitude on her..
Needn't 2say what hopeitworks has gone thru..and still she's here for every single one of us..
don't waste ur time wondering and worrying about the less fortunate ones who lack the ability to b a part of such a beautiful group..
we're all here for u and ADORE U! ..ignore them an enjoy MH and its great advantages!
love,
      Hala

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by haz1104, May 17, 2013
cash! well its not so much what I wanted to say but better!! haha..I meant "bash out" not "cash out" cuz then we wouldn't b complaining haha :p

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by krichar, May 17, 2013
Haven't we all Retta... Lol!! We wouldn't be human if we didn't.

Thanks Hala... That's why hopeitworks is one of my very best friends in real life :)

like I said there are so many of us here still for the help and support and advice... I do the best I can with a toddler and a teenager with disabilities... It's not always easy but I try. I just needed to speak my mind and say what I was thinking. I try to comment and help but sometimes things need more then a quick response. And I know I sometimes come off cold and unemotional but I'm not. I just get to the point so I can respond... You never know when a certain small person may start climbing the walls...lol

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by hopeitworks, May 17, 2013
I am so happy you had the guts to do this. Im so afraid fof hurting someones feelings. But I feel the same way.
We all do what we can to respond. I no longer go into the forums, however if I see a thread or post I can help with I will chime in.
I pray every night for those who are still awaiting their BFPs, and I cant wait to see all my friends still waitng get the chance. Cause its going to happen. Look at all of us!!! Anyways thats another soap box! LOL
Thanks for posting this!!!

xoxo

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by logigirl, May 17, 2013
i find a lot of the ttc are in need of a shoulder to cry on and those of us w/kids need to vent. and how "inconsiderate" is it for example ME to complain about my kids to someone ttc... bitchy right? like wtf how dare i complain when the other person would give ANYHTING to be in my shoes...

that being said, it is kind of like the those ttc group who end up successful ban together. those not successful are left to "friend" the new batch of ttc ppl.... cycle repeating itself!

this is part of the reason i got off here. I put my fb & ig stuff out there for anyone who wants to follow/friend me because i dont have the time or enegry to get involved in all the drama.

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by krichar, May 17, 2013
I hear you logi!! But it shouldn't have been that way... I remember when I first joined this site, there were a group of women who supported all regardless of their "stage in the process" most have left and there are some new ones :)

But you're right...kids are a ton of work, no matter how hard you tried or wanted them it still weighs on you, and you should be able to turn to the same people for support in that and it does feel like we shouldn't complain. But it's like anything in life, you're not complaining about the babies, it's the situations.

Even though some would give their right are to have the opportunity to stay up all night for months on end with a colicky baby, lets see how happy and excited they are when it does happen... Regardless of our woes we should still be able to talk about it to keep our sanity, that's why we came here :)

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by Des_a_rae, May 17, 2013
I'm trying to figure out how I want to word this and being very careful about it.  I mean no offense, believe me.  

I feel like that person.  The one that's still here after so many of my friends have moved on with their babies.  Would I change that, NEVER!  IF I had a child my own..I wouldn't be here as often either.  It doesn't mean that I wouldn't care anymore..BUT I'm thinking..AFter everything the women here have been through and finally receiving their lil miracle..I'd want to spend every minute of my time with my child.  You struggled to have them..now you're blessed and ever so thankful..  You have not only yourself anymore, but a little mini you (or two :D )  that you're caring for.  Minute after minute, day by day.  Soo undertandable and it's crazy how some can't see that.  

I've found SO many wonderful women on here..so many women trying like I am..so many sad, depressed..hopeful, hopeless, getting their BFP's, having miscarriages... the list goes on, but still.. We are all here/still here for the same reason.  Support...giving or receiving.  Soo many of my friends have finally been blessed with their lil precious babies and I'm SOoo extremely happy for them.  I'm over the moon and thankful for them..that after all of their struggles...they finally have their little one.  

And also, even though some have never experienced having a child of their own yet..that doesn't mean we sometimes can't relate.  Speaking of the colic.. I was 14 when my mom had my baby sister and Oh My Nelly!!  She had colic..  We were like an assembly line hour after hour...Bouncing, rocking, singing..anything to keep her from crying lol.  Mind you that was many years ago but still..I'll NEVER forget it lol.  And sure medicines have changed since then..what they used to give my sister was prescription, but now I think you can get it over the counter lol.  Doesnt' change the fact that I can relate though :).  

So I say...  Come on, talk awhile, Vent, Brag a little (yes I know..but c'mon..you deserve it) and like Hopeitworks.. I LOVE reading her journals TO Quinlan.  They're soo precious!!    Even if I'm never able to experience that for myself..with my own child...  it's just something about reading hers, seeing all these babies grow and learn...just even that in itself makes it worth coming here.  

I hope all this makes sense LOL.  I've got so much going on myself..I hope it wasn't just a bunch of jumbled words lol.  

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by krichar, May 17, 2013
It made perfect sense, and nothing you say could offend me Des :)

I know so many on here are still so supportive in all stages of where we are in our lives and I LOVE that. The colic was an example, I have had comments or notes telling me to suck it up, at least I have a kid (after a miscarriage at 12 weeks and a chemical) and I've read other comments to people they shouldn't complain, others would kill for the opportunity and I think that's what logi was referring to.

I know one day, somehow you'll have your baby. And when you do you'll be an amazing mommy who also needs to vent and scream in a journal sometimes, lol!!

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by hopeitworks, May 17, 2013
Des you said it perfectly. You get it and it means alot to those who are trying to still balance both and remain"a good friend"
I dont think you offended anyone in what you said, you said it as you understamd it so well!!!!

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by krichar, May 17, 2013
Well Naptime is almost over and I have to shower before picking up the monster in law from the airport, wish me luck

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by melimeli, May 17, 2013
I totally understand where you are coming from.  I have had to leave the forums because people were ganging up on me and reporting me.  It seems like sometime in 2010 maybe the pg 35+ dried up and people dropped off...  I loved that group of gals that were ttc from 2007-2010 it was very supportive and active.  After that I tried to get active in the pg boards but they were so clicky and I was not a favorite of them so I got suspended from medhelp and now just comment on journals and updates from people from my friend list.  I try to comment on updates, not so good at random notes, but I hope you have felt supported by me kelli.  I feel supported by some but abandoned by many.  Oh well, I am not in the "in crowd"  haha... I am also a bit of a downer because of so many problems with "dh" so I guess I understand.  I hope you feel better and that you don't leave all together.  The thing about posting here is I can post problems with dh and such because it is more anonymous I cannot do that on FB and really don't like to share that type of stuff with family so I count on this site to help me through those things.  ya know?

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by Des_a_rae, May 17, 2013
Thank yall for understanding :).  

LOL@ monster n law...Hope that went well! :P

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by yoha919, May 19, 2013
I have my phases of being antisocial here and there I understand what you are saying sometimes I feel like I have nothing to relate to you women that are mothers or pregnant topics change and things move on but I will give you props because since 2009 it had def changed a lot!!!!!

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by hopeitsmymonth, May 21, 2013
Well, I haven't been on MH in a bit - sounds like I missed out on some fun. When I was TTC, I thought the best thing about MH was giving and receiving support from others sharing the same experience. When a woman finally got a BFP, it gave me encouragement and I enjoyed watching their pregnancy progress, but I kind of considered them "graduated" in my mind. Lol. I didn't expect them to continue hanging around on the TTC forum - they were no longer TTC!  I remember you became pregnant well before I did and still continued to check up on me - but I completely understood why your check ins weren't as frequent. You were dealing with pregnancy, not trying to GET pregnant. Then you had a newborn! And I'm sure you were giving support to other women with newborns - again the concept of sharing the same experiences. It's crazy that people were judging you or offended by how you chose to spend your time on here!

Also - congrats on making it to the teenage years!!!

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by Sherri90049, Oct 09, 2013
Krichar, I never saw this until now but I'm glad to see it. It was not a nice time on MH when there was suddenly backlash towards the women who had had their miracles and then not been as active on the site. The deleting of accts and starting up again with an alias, that's just scary. And if I had ever seen someone post to you or anyone else something to the effect of "suck it up", "at least you have a baby", etc., I would have given them a huge piece of my mind! What an ignorant ridiculous thing to say. Luckily things have seemed better on here lately. Hopefully they will stay that way. :)

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by Alexis2358, Oct 09, 2013
I agree Krichar....when I was ttc everyone was very positive and you always felt like you had a cheering section in your corner waiting for testing results.   Now I feel excluded from the group at times.   I have a few women on here that I've been friends with for a long time and we talk everyday and its great, but yeah, there are alot of ttc women and pregnant women now that don't say much to you if you are one of the ones with children and not currently pregnant.   There are also alot of women who have their babies and then are done with the site and that's disheartening too.    I've been on here for about 4 years now, crazy amazing that its been that long.   I try to check in at least 4 - 5 days a week and while I can't comment on everyone's news, I do love reading it and seeing the pictures.   But I also am disheartened at the lack of comments back.    I'll post new pictures of my 2 year old and only 1 or 2 friends will say something, so it gets hard to want to come back and post on the people who are currently pregnant or ttc.   I hear you, but I also understand the frustration of wanting a baby sooooo badly that it was all consuming of my life.    I remember my being happy for the people who would get their BFP and then being so sad that I wasn't one of them.    I didn't talk to my sister in law for months because she got pregnant the same time I did, only I had a m/c and she had a beautiful daughter.   I realize now how terrible that was of me, but it was the only way I could cope at the time.

We have to realize that this is a public forum and though we make some wonderful long lasting friendships, we also have to deal with people who are just seeking information because they are scared, or excited or confused.   that's how I found this site initially....I had low betas....I didn't even know what a beta number was, and I found this by doing a google search.    I found great friendships and kept them, but some people won't....its just the nature of the beast.    My best advice is try not to take it personally and just remember the great people and friends you have made on here and give them your attention.

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