May 20, 2013
I think I am gonna go to bed soon.
I just haven't been feeling good lately. ive been thinking a lot about what ds posted and I just keep thinking that what it means to me is not very good. its not something I guess I would share.
I just run through some scenarios in my mind and I try to shove them back, you know, its always a possibility it don't matter how much you try and prevent it, there is always a chink and especially if you are well practiced. its actually sort of easy.
and honestly I don't think it's a choice. I know you think this S which is bizarre seeing as you yourself are not succeeding or even trying to. however, that notwithstanding, I don't think its a choice. its not. its something you feel, it is not mind over matter. and ive been thinking about my moms and how I was raised and if you can ever really overcome that spit I mean. my moms to this day is like into a million things. and has no intention of stopping. not that that's what I want im just saying genetically speaking am I like fighting a losing battle?
I just don't feel good its not that I am not capable. im just overtired im overboard and self assured oh no I know a dirty word
and I have not even sensed Kurts presence in the mountains and foothills there in the grade alls I do is try and call him out and hear his craggy voice like, using my other name, you don't know that name, one ive had since birth well you do rr. sorry I was going to try not to mention you I know how you abhor and detest me you cant even stand to see my name well join the freakin club baby
im not. im actually not feeling sorry for myself actually I am just being factual and trying to recount the pure nature of things for me now
overbored and self assured
and the thing is
its not as if I am trying to try ppls patience or be snotty as ive said in the past. you know and I am not trying to be rude here but I really hate that part of ennay that is like 'your dry drunk' yeah Im not stealing that from you rr just let me be. but it's like I had six months and my friend R a drug counselor he was like 'you had no recovery! you were just lucky!' well f*cking f*ck I was lucky! you gee dam bastid! no I wasn't I worked hard for it you durn hobo bum.
I don't care. I don't care what they say about me anyway I don't care about that
so if your life is utterly devoid of meaning and you just don't freakin care anymore then what harm is it anyway that's all im saying
I mean. I know. I know you think that by doing a and b I can get thru this. but here sthe thing no im not terminally uneek but I am not like other ppl. I live in my own world it is a world of fiction and teddy bears and tea cups and secret language and rap and jokes and I cant I mean listen I am a romantic perhaps the worlds last and I just cant do it I mean you think cuz he's a ayhole I can just forget a freaking lifetime of time with him?
I mean yes I love sex but Im not a complete **** azzhole
im wanton in an educated and enlightened way lol
anyway that's it
that's all I got to say
so grill me
drive that stake in
did somebody say steak?