Stepdad

I will never forget.
No matter how hard I try.
I re-live what you'd done to me
all of the time
I can't shut it off
I can't turn away from it
It is just something that fuels my anger
It comes from my aching heart
and the boiling of my stomach.

I can't blame you for the anger that I feel.
My mother trusted you.
She met you after being severely abused by my dad...
You were my new dad...
until you hurt me very deeply.

You molested me.
I was only 7 years old.
The scene replays itself...
like a movie.
Except for: I can't shut it off.
I can't hit rewind
For if I could,  I would have destroyed it.

I am so angry right now for so many reasons.
I don't know why you touched me--a small child
Didn't you know that my family had been through enough?
You were there to make it all more tough...
You told my mom that you "loved kids."

Well if that is love--I don't want whatever it is.
I can't even love myself.
I don't know how.
I don't know how to respect myself
when I had to be beaten by Roger...
molested by you...
and the whole time my mother stuck it through with you.

I am so angry.
I always seem to hurt myself.
That hurt hides behind sarcasm and a smile.

I remember that I was always said to be
"such a happy child."
It was until you put your hands on me...
people started to see changes.

My teachers told my mother that ...
I was beginning to have behavioral issues.
How is this? When those same teachers told mom of my
unique ability to feel love and empathy for others?

No one connected the dots...
not even my mother.
I held on to this painful memory until it got to be too much for me.
I remember getting into an unusual amount of trouble at school when I was only 13.
I remember the tearful conversation that I had with mom when I was expelled for drinking at school

She screamed " WHATS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU WEREN'T THIS WAY WHEN YOU WERE A CHILD."
I remember breaking down.  It was raining.  Things Got Wild.
I screamed within the depths of me.
I finally released that which had always haunted me.

I told her that while she was gone for some time at IBM school,
that her husband found a new toy--me.
I told her how hot it was that September.
It was too hot in my room,
So I slept on the couch.

You told me to come sleep by you.
I trusted you...
I didn't know anything of what you were about to do.
You told me that we have to sleep naked in your bed
Just writing this...gives me a jolt of anger in my heart and body.

I remember looking at the clock...
I told you to stop.
I told you it hurt...
the clock just kept passing in time.
God saved me...
It was time to get ready for school

That very same day at school, some police officers came in...
they talked about sexual abuse.
they asked us to put our heads on our desk,
they told us to raise our hand if we knew anyone this had happened to...
My hand stayed down.

I thought it was my fault--I probably still do.
I kept this to myself
I am so very embarassed.
I wish I could make it all go away.

I wish I wasn't so angry and full of pain.
You were the only chance for a "Real Dad" that I ever had.
My memories of men are mostly bad.
I had so many identity issues after experiencing all of that.

I am not saying that you made me angry...
It was probably a combination of you and Roger...
and me holding it all in.

I long to forgive you...
I long to feel peace...
I don't know how...
I wish I could learn...

I still have a heart.
I feel pitty for you.
I don't know what love is...
the men who were supposed to love me chided me.

Now I am trying to put the puzzle together.
God gave me a strong will,
a good mother and brother,
and the best friend I have ever had (my husband.)

I will not feel sorry for you any more.
I will not feel sorry for me--I never really have.
I will pray to get stronger
Like  I always do...
I will pray to God to forgive you for all that you have done to this family.
I will pray to God to allow my mother to forgive herself...it is not her doing.

May you find peace and love for yourself in your heart.
May you be reminded of this every day as I am...
May you learn from it and heal yourself.