May 23, 2013
I've been fighting to keep upbeat. Woke with tummy pains AGAIN! Thought all that was over. Fear in tummy AGAIN! Thought that was all over. Sadness has entered too. Refused to dwell on symptoms. Prayed instead. Went on fb. Saw beautiful mssgs from Joyce Meyer, to give me hope. Also, to see my new friend on fb has posted on my page. It gave me a smile. Took time to share Joyce's little mssge of hope, to her timeline. We're supporting each other in our faith. Got up. Started talking to hubby. As usual, he cuts me short, saying I don't have to go into every detail, & it was something cheery I was taking about. Burst the few tiny bubbles of hope I did have. I feel lonely & may as well be living on my own. Still weaning off valium & zopiclone. Gonna take too long! So long! Psyche prescribed me yet another med. I refuse to take it. Researched it. Found I'd be be in a worse mess if I took this. Interactions with my other meds show this new med, Olanzapine, is not recommended. She has a list of my meds! What is trying to do to me? She knows I have an addictive personality! Another HIGHLY addictive med! Psych said it's non-addictive, just like she told me zopiclone is non-addictive! Yeah sure! Why am I addicted to that then? Showed her new research I'd printed out, on zopiclone & it shows it to be HIGHLY addictive. What do you know? She actually kept it to read!!! Sick of paying out $60 for consultations for what? MORE MEDICATION!!! NO THANKS! Ah, just a bit down this morn. Will come good. Some positive thinking is in order, cuppa calm herbal tea, settle down & listen to Joyce. She always inspires me. Gotta work thru these feelings tho. I think I'm grieving for my hubby. I miss him. He has changed as he's gotten old. I need a cuddle. a touch of his tender hand, a caress & acceptance for what I am. He says he loves me, but I think he just feels a duty to me as his wife. I don't think he really loves me anymore, & I can't blame him.. This is what's at the bottom of my sadness. Depression can also a symptom of withdrawal, which I'm going thru, with the tapering off 2 meds. THIS TOO, SHALL PASS! And with Faith in God, & by His Grace, I now have His love & strength to see me thru. I believe everything happens for a reason. If I never waver, never doubt God's promises, I'll get thru anything, with His help to guide me. I believe there'll be rewards at the end of all this,. "DOUBLE FOR MY TROUBLE". Amen to that!