Thank you! You don't have to read this it's SUPER long...

Well... I wrote that right after my dad called me back. I asked him on sat if I could go down there and stay with him and my grandma (not something I really WANT to do) so I can get my things straight. He told me no. And then he went on to tell me that he doesn't like me (same words I swear)  and that I'm a bad mother because I wont agree to dropping my daughter off at his place for a month (he's seen her 3 times since she was born, she doesn't know him. Plus I couldnt be away from her for a month, is he CRAZY?!) and he says all this stuff in the same words. He's a gerk. And it reminded me why I hated his guts my whole life. When I was 19 I moved in with him for about 6 months and saved up to get my own place. He was really great back then. It was just us in the house I grew up in... He didn't start fights with me, he didnt say mean things, he respected my lifestyle, he minded his own business, and it was the best we ever were father and daughter. He's even mentioned how he enjoyed my company then. But I dnt know WHY the HELL he gets so MANIC and angry and hurtful and WHY he cant CONTROL himself. And all I could tell him yesterday is that I NEED him there for me and that I'm devistated that I have NO FAMILY (and it's pretty much his fault why my family fell apart) and that I NEED HIM TO SUPPORT ME AND HELP ME WITHOUT CRITISISIM AND WITH LOVE AND PATIENCE FOR ONCE IN HIS ******* LIFE GOSH DAMN IT. And he just can't. He can't be anything that need.

I lost my job about a month ago. My daughter is on several wait-lists for daycare, I had to "rely" on her dad to help watch her when I went to work. To make a long story short, I got fired because I had trouble getting to work and being on time... My ex flaked on me TWICE and was always LATE. It was devistating cause I was making $600 a week working 25 hours... good money. SOOO... Here I am a month later and I am short on my rent... I don't have money for my phone/electric/internet/food/everything else, just enough for rent... And I don't know what to do. SO thats why I want to move out and save some money. I have no where else to go... I'm days from being evicted and homeless and I'm really scared. And my dad doesnt give a ****.

My dad has really messed a lot of things up for me. He abused me physically and verbally my whole life. He hated the fact that I was close to my mom and he made my brother hate her... It broke her heart. And when ever I'd visit her I'd come back and literally get beaten up by both my brother and dad. I would beg my mom to keep me but she wouldn't. So finally when I was about 14 was the last time I saw my mom... I decided not to make an effort to see her until I was 18 or on my own because the abuse was to hard on me. Its wierd cus kids would always fantasize about what they wanted to be when they grew up... All I wanted was to get a job and my own place and have my mother move in with me so I could take care of her. When I was 16 she died. I felt responsible for her death. And I am. And it was wierd because my dad just had like some kind of emotional breakdown. Within a year I was doing coke with him all day and night... I dropped out of senior year... I was the yearbook editor and I ditched it all. I look at the cover that I made and I'm so ashamed. It was a whirlwind... My dad would have manic episodes and literally lash out on me... my childhood friends could tell you now what he was like. Crazy totally crazy.And it just started 6 years of partying and constant drug use... I was high for 6 years straight. I didn't fully morn my mother's death and work through the abuse of my childhood. I never have.  I've had a lot of fun in my adulthood... I got prego and settled down and focused on motherhood and completely ignored all of my past. And it wasn't until I had her and realized how much I love her that I started to feel angry towards my mom... I now understand the bond you have with your children... And I just cant understand how she couldve left me with my horrible dad. It hurts.Why couldnt she take care of herself so SHE COULD BE HERE TO SEE MY DAUGHTER? All she needed was some cholesterol medicence. Thats IT. So anyhoo... Here I am... Stuck in a ****** situation, my dad could be a good parent and take me in and work on our relationship but instead he made it even worse than it is... And get to know is only grandchild. It's just sad to me... It makes me really really sad. He doesn't even care. And get this... after spending 20 some years bad mouthing my mom, he get drunk and calls me the other night and says "I always thought that when you and cody (my brother) grew up that your mom and I would get back together" .................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................   Talk about CRAZY. My whole life was based around his "hate" for my mom. And then 8 years after her DEATH he says this to me... With no hesitence... He wasn't ashamed like I would've been. It was truely one of the most bone chilling things I've heard him say.

And all of that was a very brief overview of my life. It's crazy because now I'm learning to be sober and deal with things. And even though "partying" is something I just enjoy doing, I've always been the rebel and life of the party, I've got to learn to not use it as a cushion for my sadness. And I got into vicodin really bad for a year and I'm learning to not use it like I did, and just for the pain I have. So it's just been a huge whirlwind of emotions... I'm so full of thoughts that I'm exhausted. And me writing has always been a way of venting... I won an honorary award for the whole state in high school for an essay I wrote about how my mother grew passion fruit vines. My dad read some stuff I wrote and he didnt realize how much I remembered back when I was 3 years old. It was wierd... He at times was so loving towards me. He always said he loved me. But he put so much bad over me... It was always so hot and cold and if I (and it's like this to this day) dont think or do or act the way he thinks is right, I was wrong in his eyes... And wrong meant I was abused and casted out.

So anyways... I'm done for the day thinking about it all. I didn't write this really expecting anyone to read it... it's so damn long! lol It's just my way of getting it out. I don't know what I'm gonna do... Hopefully I'll get a job soon.