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feeling free...

May 26, 2013 - 2 comments
Tags:

Beauty

,

Addiction

,

Life

,

feeling

,

free

,

support



I've never been one to journal, blog, or really keep "notes", but I feel as this might help me, not only will I get all the things floating around my head out, I will be able to look back upon this and see were I was, and remmber I don't want to be here again.
8 days clean, what does clean mean? each person is going to have thier own deffetion, different believes, but here are mine.. Clean... I'm clean of being a slave to something, I'm clean of watching the clock, I'm clean of counting pills, I'm clean of waiting for the next doctors app, I have a clean mind, I see the beauty around me. I have noticed so many things in the last 48 hours that I probably havent noticed in almost 2 years. I was never a bad mom, I just thought the pills made me super mom, get the house clean, get diner ready, bathed, bed, repeat.. But I missed out on so much clean living.. I no longer get aggitated with my son when he repeats himself 9 times about a silly commercial he saw, I embrace it and laugh harder each time he says it. I watch him and realize what a beautiful human being I brought into this world, from the crazy way he dances, to the way he smiles while he plays.. I watch him watch tv, eat, fiddle around, and even sleep and god how freeing it is... I join in on  the playing, I chase him around, I make him laugh.. before all i ever carried about was getting things done, I never stopped to really enjoy all his qurks and giggles and that makes me sad. but again happy (owe so happy) that I have given this time back to him.. I can be the mom he deserves.. Its been very hard for me not to feel bad about this, as I feel I have failed him, though I know he is stll young and I have plenty of time to make it up and he may never know the difference (but I will). I need to switch these sad thoughts about how ive failed him, to thoughts about how much better our lifes are going to be...

In the past 8 days I have felt a wave of emotions, scared, helpless, defieted, ashamed, happy, optimistic, depressed, joyous, blessed... The list could go on..But now that I see the light at the end of my dependcy tunnel the ashammed part has really set in... Why would I put my family threw this? why hadn't I noticed it earlier? why didn't I stop it? ... jez.. why can't I stop beating myself up... What if my husband woulda stepped in and said something, would that had made a difference? or because I didn't show signs of addiction such as buying pills, doctor shopping, and ER jumping, did he think I was in control? did I beleive I was in control? what the hell did I beleive?

I'll tell you what I believed.. I beleived the next pill was going to fix it, the next pill would get the house work done, the next pill would make me want to be intimate with my husband because hey it was the pain's fault I didn't want it.. right?... I beleived that a couple pills in my pocket could get me through the zoo with my children, when it should have been their excitement, I believed that it was all justified.. did I have myself fooled? The pill didn't fix it, it made it worse, the pill didnt do the house work, it was just another excuse to take one, the pain didn't ruin my sex drive, the pill did...it about caused a serperation even because I didn't want intamacy.. the pill didn't get me anywere except hooked...

What I've done in the last 8 days has amazed me.. terrified me.. thrilled me.. The range of emotions I have is out of this world, and I owe 90% of my recovery on the people on this board.. To see that there's a whole community of strangers that care enough to check in on you, cheer for you, support you just amazes me.. so to anybody thinking about quiting, scared of it, ready to, or what ever your reasoning is.. DO IT... your missing so much.. I was just lucky enough to catch it in time to enjoy the best part of my life...

"Even the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the BIGGEST step of your life, tip toe if you must, but take the step"....

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by 1sorryperson, May 27, 2013
Oh Sweetheart! you have made many of us happy.  you are right in the middle of my 4 wonderful talented kids, .............. I don't want to get into parenting atm, cause you are going to do super at being 'MOM",  Keep one foot infront of the other, you got a whole life of friends, parents, realitives, kids, spouse, fellow employees, etc That will need you and your great positive personality to lift them. Life will never give you a rest and has many new challenges for you to conquer every year, each one will make you stronger.   Stick around, there'll be a few nasty depression days called 'paws' , but moreso is your attitude benifits us old timers and new comers, we love you and your openess!  
thanks Kid!

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by missmomma0062, May 27, 2013
It feels so nice to get that out in the open.. It has stewed in my head for days... I want to help people on here and in perosn like you've helped me.. Attitude to me is everything, without it life would be no fun! lol

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