Apr 13, 2009
im on my fith night without suboxone.i was only on half a gram and the doctors i spoke to all told me that i would feel no w/d symptons.i spoke to the councillor at our community drugs team(cdt) who assured me that it was all in my head.how full of it are they!(statement not question lol) i actually got to day three but took an "emergency tablet" how stupid was i!!(another statement) if i hadnt made that mistake i would be on day eight by now! im sat at the computer in pure desperation,i logged on to this site to find out how long the w/d s take and was mortified to learn it could be anything up to 90 days aaaaarrrrggggghhhh!!!!! i wish i had done more research a long time ago.i have learnt more in my hour on the net than i have in 2 years of working with cdt.to anyone insane enough to read on beware! i will probably be doing a lot of whinging and talking bubbles as im totally all over the place right now.not only am i 8 weeks pregnant but my six year old son is at my mums as i am homeless-i have somewhere to stay but not somewhere my boy can stay.i cant tell if some of what im feeling is due to pregnancy or w/d.the worst bit is the insomnia and the fidgets.its like i wanna stretch all my limbs as far as they can go one instant and then squish them up as tight as i can in the next.the frustration is killing me.i feel so angry with everyone too,at my doctor for not giving me something,anything to help me sleep,cdt for not warning me,my partner for not being able to stop this feeling and for not offering to go get me something of the street to stop this ****! how selfish is that?(question) i have seriously tried to guilt my fella into going and scoring drugs for me.im so ashamed of myself and so lucky ive got a good man to help me through this and not give up on me.not that i actually would go and take any drugs but when ya rolling around at 4 in the morning trying to hold it down and failing miserably ya say and think some stupid ****.everythings annoying me,the fact i have to stay on a single bed with my fella who is also going through the same as me (we did the reduction together) it is impossible to have the two of us on the bed at the same time as we are both fidgetty and moody(me more than him due to pregnancy) i keep getting on the sofa in shifts with him.also being in someone else's house is a nightmare when ya feel like this cause i cant bug out the way i truly want to.the worst thing is the panic over my son,when will i have enough money saved for a deposit? will i get him home before i start to display obvious signs of pregnancy?how will he react? how has this whole situation really affected him? over and over in my head is the constant worry of life enhanced so darkly by the dementia of withdrawal.i feel like such a wimp,a total cop out for feeling so desperate.i just wish that someone please would deliver me from myself.the real nutcracker (if i had nuts that is) is i have no one to blame for anything but my damn self! i knew the dangers of heroin addiction,had even experienced first hand what it does to a person,i used to be in a relationship with a heavily addicted man.but watching someone going through w/d in no way translates wot its like.i just used to wonder sometimes wot all the damn fuss was about, a grown man rolling around on the bed like someone demented begging me to go and get him a bag..even the shock of watching such an arrogant proud tough man (cause he was even tho he was also a **** ed) reduced to a snivelling mess didnt teach me the lesson i needed to learn in order to not totally f k my life DONT EVER TOUCH OPIATES !!! its about one thirty in the morning and regretfully i cant even begin to entertain thoughts of sleep.i think ive had a couple hours in the last 3 days.when does insomnia become insane? i cant even siy here any longer as this damn seat is killing my back.i think im going to go scream into a pillow for a couple minutes.if anyone actually got this far thanks for reading. ps being self absorbed is kinda comforting!