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Day 9... now things are becoming clear

Jun 18, 2013 - 0 comments

Well, here I am... 9th day! I feel great! I still have some bouts of anxiety and some times of being pretty tired but for the past 18+ months I have always had a pill or whatever to take if i needed help with either of those things. So its tough to distiguish at this point if what i am feeling is 'normal' or due to the lack of tramadol. I mean, we all have stresses in our lives, and times of being irritated, anxious and/or upset aren't abnormal so I'm not totally sold on these instances coming from being off the tramadol.... if that makes sense? We all can't be 150% energetic ALL the time. Let's be real. So as for me, I'm feeling great. My head feels much more clear.

What I'm beginning to see is what the tramadol was making me do in my life. Now that I'm without it and feel more in control and aware of my emotions and my actions, I am seeing things in my husband that is making me even more frustrated with this stupid drug!

My husband has been on tramadol for awhile too. His is prescribed from his doctor for an injury which he is due to have surgery on. He takes too much of it. He runs out early. His father gives him other pain pills (ie vicodin) because his father is a POS who has always been an addict, to be blunt. I don't see why a father would just pass out pain pills to their children.... beats me!? I know my husband has bought pills before. He has bought vicoden, percs, oxycodone by itself (whatever that's called) and at one point a little over a year ago I discovered he owed someone $1000 from pills he had gotten. Our finances are seperate. He insists on keeping almost $1000/month for his "own money". Which still leaves a good amount of his income to go towards bills, which I pay, but I DO NOT know, or understand where or how he can spend that much money every month. We've had this coversation a million times, and he immediately gets defensive. He says its for gas, eating out, ect. I call BS. I know how much things cost and how much I pay for things as well. He knows I think he's using it for pills but somehow it always gets flipped on me like I'm the bad person for "wanting all of his money". (Let me also disclose that I, infact make the majority of the income from working and this extra 1k is from an injury sustained in service so he feels it "belongs" to him)

So he just got his tramadol refilled and I know he's taking at least 8-10/day. A pretty decent amount. He gets super angry, flips out, like he can't control it. Last night he even did it to our child. He just started yelling for like no good reason because he got a little irritated. I had noticed myself doing that while on tramadol. Now I have been seeing that it wasn't me doing it, because since it has been out of my system I feel more calm and more in control. I know my husband "not on drugs" and that's not they way he is. Last night he was on tramadol and drinking. He didn't drink much but obviously not a good idea. We got into it after he was being so disrepectful to me.

I am at a loss at what to do. I know he has legit pain, but nothing to the extent that the abuse of these meds is called for. I do not believe you should be buying drugs off the street. I never have done that... unfortunately all mine came from a doctor, who apparently didn't know better or take the time to care about drug dependency til it was too late. I want my family together and I even want a second child before I get too old for it but to be honest, I am stuck. I love my husband but I don't like him right now. I'm not really sure what to do.

Thanks for hearing my vent...

On a positive note---- day 9 for me!!!!!!!!!


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