Death in the Family and Hard Times, Standing Strong to Support Others

  I just found out my grandfather died today. That was most upseting news as because of the severity of my physical disability, I had not been able to see him for several months. I knew something was wrong when my grandmother who usually has a pleasent tone of voice said "come sooner rather than later" in a desperate tone of voice. I knew what she meant. My family is not religious and although I respect people who are (of any belief system) I do not believe in an afterlife. But I do know that after 94 years that he did have a good life on this earth. He was the first person to teach me to enjoy music and he played in the Big Bands in the 1940's such as Jimmy and Tommy Dorsey. He personally showed me how to play some instruments and then got me started on piano lessons. I as a child was reluctant to take piano lessons but after seeing how enjoyable music could be I then approached it differently. As well I'd say he, as many family members did learned from me. He, like many people of his generation, did not understand my psychiatric disability at first. But when I recovered mentally and acquired a neurological disability he having had a stroke did talk about what he was going through and he understood it as well whether he ever called it a disability or not. And he respected me in a way that perhaps some other people did not. I will always respect him for keeping an open mind as I had for his ideas. He and my grandmother had traveled the world after retirement and they took photos and the slides they showed me of their trips as a kid broadened my horizons about other cultures, their music and the wildlife of the world. But they saw it personally. And personally witnessed some historical events as well.
  For myself, the first priority of course is the family. And helping my grandmother find the help of a home attendant so she can live at home as I have insisted on for all the elderly members of my family. Every person with a disability that is able to has the right to live in the community. I would say though that things will get more difficult for me physically. I had some bleeding where I would not normally. That is from the ginkgo. As I said I was allowed to take that under supervision but that sign means that I have to stop it. It is not safe for this reason. It is being researched for tardive dyskinesia but naturally they will have study it further to understand it better first before developing medications from it. So the dysphagic choking spasms will come back. As well as the rest of what I have discussed. At times of extreme spasmic activity I do get suicidal ideations but by no means would I carry them out (I've never had thoughts like that but if I did I would not be posting here, I'd speak to my psychiatrist). But in typing this I do believe as severe as my physical disability is I have many reasons to live. As much as my physical enjoyment of life is limited my ability to help others has only broadened. I want to see the case study finalized. And to work with the system to help identify new treatment modalities. One might say "think of yourself now" but I would think back and see what is limited in my life. But when I think of my ability to work with other people and society there are no limitations. So that is why the photo I put is of a sunrise not a sunset. Were I to have spoken to my grandfather in his last days I know he would want me to carry on. And right now as the TTY is hooked up I am going to give my grandmother a call to see how I can help her...