Xanax, getting off

I am writing this after reading Sondra's journal post.  Ihave had anxiety and panic attacks since my early thirties.  I was on Ativan for several years, and eventually started drinking heavily along with it, because my tolerance level went up and the doctor I was seeing at the time wouldn't increase my dosage.  I came close to losing my job until I entered rehab.  I had been doing well on Serotonin for about 7 years, but then started having reactions to it.  That is when I started Xanax, 1 mg three times a day.  I am at the point now that I need about double what my doctor gives me.  It is a horror rollercoaster that I can't get off of.  My fear is so extreme when I am out of the medication that I can't do anything. Just stay in bed, and I do have to work, but couldn't do it if I didn't have the medication.   I wish I could wean myself off of Xanax, but when I start feeling nervous at home or at work, I can't deal with it and head for my pill stash.  Mentally, I can't make myself stop taking it when I start to feel the fear start because it is  so awful. I can't handle the anxiety and panic attacks.
Yes, these medications do cause depression!  Klonopin, or any of the benzodiazepines! I go home depressed about life, but so far I haven't been able to make myself choose to get rid of the depression by quiting the meds.  I do have generalized anxiety disorder.  These medications are most certainly addictive, and over time, the patient needs to increase the doseage to get the same effect of some of them.  I don't have the awful fear when I'm taking Xanax, but the depression makes me not want to do any normal activities. I sit and read for most of the weekend.  I hate what this medication is doing to me, but can't face the panic attacks.  I'd like to get to the point of slowly weaning myself off, but I think that is like an alcoholic saying he is going to "cut back" on drinking.  I haven't had a drink in over 10 years and am scared I would start again if I didn't have the Xanax.  I don't have advice, because I can't even help myself, but Sondra, I know how you feel about the Klonopin.  I'm there too. And it is a hell of a way to live.