One day at a time, now i know what hell is like

For along time I have been telling myself taking pills ( of any sort, vics, percs, oxy, ) was alright, I didn't do it all the time but I crossed that line I can't even tell you when it was.  I thought I couldn't function at all without something. Now I see I have been on a downward spiral out of control. I am and have been addicted for along time. Yes there were times I quite but only to pick up the slack with another drug, alcohol. I thought because I could quite something for a period of time I was alright, I didn't see I was substituting. I once was free of everything, for over a year, why I thought I could start taking a few pills now & again is beyond me. I should of known I always favored narcotics but I thought I could now control it, because I survived something that was so so bad it took my soul plus everything I owned. I wasn't thinking, I was letting my addictions get the best of me once again. I have recently been re-reading my spiritual books, and a voice inside tells me I have to quit before I again lose everything I worked so hard to regain. I try only to get hooked up one more time. I don't want this life anymore, I used to be very happy go lucky, yes I had bouts of addiction but I could function without anything. I now know I can no longer control it, It controls me and I am done letting it. I have made it to day three and I am not going back now. I have been so sick, I have wanted to die, I know I am in for a very long road, the mental part has no even began to kick in yet. I don't want to fail and I am wondering if I take a half a methadone or a suboxone is that failing.....No not taking them everyday just on the worst of days? I want to go to NA but the na here scares me alittle bit, not in a great location, I wish there was another. I joined here because I see you are all so up beat and supportive. I could used that instead of someone wanting me to do an oxy with them. I have told them I quit and will keep telling them..NO MORE>>>I am done, I need some help because this is so so so hard, my house looks like ****, I feel like I want to die, and I feel like I am a failure to my children. The demons inside my head tell me to just do one more, the house would look so much better, you will feel on top of the world but only to go through this feeling tomorrow when that one is gone... nope the house can be a mess, my body will feel better soon, at least I hope.... well until tomorrow.....pray for me...Heather