Bleh

I've been feeling very unmotivated.  I have no energy, all I want to do is sleep.  I've started to skip my Adderall for my Narcolepsy so I CAN sleep.  

I'm very lonely, but I don't seek out company - I avoid it and when I do cross paths with socializing, I don't want to have anything to do with people.  It's not so much irritation as I am just too tired to try and keep a conversation.  I'm boring.  I desperately search for things to say but it's obvious I'm awkward.  It's obvious I have nothing to offer to impress someone.  This, I don't mind.  It's reality.

My vision and memory are getting worse.  I mean, it's really, really bad.  My contacts are supposed to give me better vision, but I still can't see with them in.  Right now I don't have anything in and luckily I can type well, because otherwise, I would have no idea what I was typing.  I'm 23.  Why does it seem like all this bad stuff is happening so fast?  What did I do to deserve this?  Do I deserve this?  

I've got more problems I can count on my fingers and toes.  I take more medication than an elderly couple.  I can see as well as a bat.  Plus I've gained weight after I've tried so hard to lose it.  All of this is frustrating.  My back has been killing me.  This is my fault entirely.  It's from trying to lift stuff that my body is just not meant to be.  I think I'm stronger than I am.  No, it's not strength that I think I have.  It's the will aka stubbornness.  I'm just inviting pain by trying to get as much done in as little time as possible.  

On another note, Ed got outside.  I went into the kitchen around 11 PM and I left the back door open.  The screen is up, but it's torn because I accidentally locked myself out from my front door and my back door, so I had to rip the screen to unlock the glass door to get to the main lock.  I never though the cats would jump out - I mean they had so many opportunities before, why now?  

Anyway, if you know anything about Ed, she's a scaredy cat.  So I'm holding my breath in shock, trying to think how the hell I'm going to get her back in without freaking her out and running off.  I was actually surprised she was still at the door.  I don't know how long she was outside, but when I went into the kitchen, Echo was looking outside.  When I went to close the door, Ed was staring back at me - on the other side.  I tried opening the door slowly and staying as far back as possible so she could run in.  But she still wouldn't come in.  So I locked the door in place, slowly walked out the door and then Ed ran back in, but Echo ran out.  UGHHHH.  Here's the thing about Echo: she's like 99% black and it's dark out.  I didn't want her to run down the stairs because last time, it was almost impossible to find her.  I tried to catch her and miss spoiled hissed at me.  Nico came back, though, so I gave her peanut butter and told Echo I was angry at her and I also told Edgar she was bad.  Then I shined the light in her eyes to let her know I was serious.  SHE IS SO BAD.

Period should be starting soon ... joy.  It's not enough that I have to deal with pimples on a daily basis plus IBS, OCD, Panic and Anxiety Disorder, BPD I, and allergies that no person should have.  a;sldkjf  So frustrated.  I want to talk to J, but it's late.  

People ask me what makes me happy when I'm feeling down.  I've always been fairly apathetic, but I did have hobbies I tried to pursue for the sake of sanity.  No more.  I could give a hit-say less.  I clean and that's it.  It's automatic.  It's life.  When I was vacuumless I didn't know what to do.  My life was upside down.  Gooodddd, up and down, up and down.  I hate life.  I want a challenge but not like this.  I want a challenge that rewards me with happiness.  Happiness?  It used to be visiting the animal shelter and playing with the animals, but then it was depressing because I had to leave.  Or smelling really warm laundry.  Or just sniffing good things.  Warm blankets, lots of pillows ... none of this pleases me anymore.  

I just want someone to give me a hug when they are observant enough to know I need a hug.  I don't like asking for a hug.  I don't like asking anything of anyone.  I just want to be noticed.  I'm sick of being on the back burner and feeling down.  SOMEONE PAY ATTENTION TO ME AND GIVE ME A HUG.  That is what makes me happy.  When someone pays enough attention to notice you need a hug or when you just get lots of hello hugs.  I hug everyone a lot.  And I hold on.  I'm never the one that lets go.  I would like someone who wants to hold on as much as I do.  Not a boyfriend, girlfriend - anyone that cares.

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