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I hate l!fe.
Apr 16, 2009 12:00AM
- 3 comments
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I don't even know where to begin. I feel horrible. I don't know who or what is real anymore. Everything has become a big blur and I'm so scared. More and more things come up and I want to talk to R, D, and even Abby - but they don't want to know, they don't care ... they don't listen. I don't have anybody that doesn't want me around. I know I sound extremely dramatic, but you don't know my "family". I thought today was going to be better. But it's just the same stuff, plus more, just a different day.
I'm so confused. I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. I have this really big heart and I want to share it with everyone but it's constantly rejected. But I go back for more, hoping that people will change. I'm always wrong. I keep punishing myself while trying to fight the battle of every day life as a hated moron.
The thing that hurts the most about what D said, that "everyone hates me and I should do them a favor and just kill myself" is that it's true. People can say mean things that aren't true when they are drunk or they can say things that are. No matter what type D is, this much I know is true. I'm treated differently by everyone. I'm boring and no one wants to keep a conversation with me because they're distracted with looking for an escape. My entrance sets off a ping of black aura. And it hurts because when Abby is there, everyone is la-di-da-ing until I come into the room and then everything goes mute.
I don't know what to do with myself. I stopped going to the program at HS Hospital because of health insurance and the fact that I just couldn't commit. I am seeing Kristen less because I thought I was doing better, but now I feel weird asking her for more appointments. I feel like a waste of space. I can't do anything right. I'm a bad friend, daughter, sister, grandkid, etc. It feels like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong - I'm just not good enough. I don't think I ever was. What am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to do with myself? Who wins?
Mood Tracker
I'm so confused. I don't think I can trust anyone anymore. I have this really big heart and I want to share it with everyone but it's constantly rejected. But I go back for more, hoping that people will change. I'm always wrong. I keep punishing myself while trying to fight the battle of every day life as a hated moron.
The thing that hurts the most about what D said, that "everyone hates me and I should do them a favor and just kill myself" is that it's true. People can say mean things that aren't true when they are drunk or they can say things that are. No matter what type D is, this much I know is true. I'm treated differently by everyone. I'm boring and no one wants to keep a conversation with me because they're distracted with looking for an escape. My entrance sets off a ping of black aura. And it hurts because when Abby is there, everyone is la-di-da-ing until I come into the room and then everything goes mute.
I don't know what to do with myself. I stopped going to the program at HS Hospital because of health insurance and the fact that I just couldn't commit. I am seeing Kristen less because I thought I was doing better, but now I feel weird asking her for more appointments. I feel like a waste of space. I can't do anything right. I'm a bad friend, daughter, sister, grandkid, etc. It feels like everything that can go wrong has gone wrong - I'm just not good enough. I don't think I ever was. What am I supposed to do with that? What am I supposed to do with myself? Who wins?
Mood Tracker
Sometimes the harder you try to make people like you the more they push you away. Perhaps you should put up some boundaries and stop trying to make them like you. Make yourself happy! Anyone who just tells you to kill yourself is mean-spirited. Everyone has something that is lovable and worthwhile you just have to see what your good qualities you have.
I am realy sorry that you are in so much pain. I agree with lagatta, anyone who told you to kill yourself it not worth being around anymore. Depression causes your mind to play tricks on you and tells lies about yourself that you can choose to believe or not. Your life is not as negative as you comment indicates, you said that you have a big heart and that is a real plus that a lot of people just don't have. So you should really be happy about that posiitive quality that you have. Also, in looking at your pictures, you are a very nice looking young woman, another positive quality.
When I was clinically depressed I isolateed myself from everyone except my wife. I was afraid to leave my house. I was fired from my job and was unemployed for 18 months. So I know what you mean about people don't want to be near you. What I learned the hard way is that I had to learn to like myself before others would like me. Now I have many friends that want to be with me.
I hope that you will search to find more positives and move forward from there.
When I was clinically depressed I isolateed myself from everyone except my wife. I was afraid to leave my house. I was fired from my job and was unemployed for 18 months. So I know what you mean about people don't want to be near you. What I learned the hard way is that I had to learn to like myself before others would like me. Now I have many friends that want to be with me.
I hope that you will search to find more positives and move forward from there.
We hurt the ones we love and vice versa because in doing so you're allowing yourself to be vulnerable.
I'm not trying to make friends, I'm trying to be a part of a family - the reason why I was adopted INTO a family. If making myself happy were as easy as you typing the words with infinite optimism, faith, and hope - don't you think I would have already made it there?
There are things I like about myself and under the right circumstances, I think I'd be an excellent candidate for "best friend ever". But I'm currently not in that type of situation, never have been, and most likely never will be. I don't have a hard time making friends - I have a hard time keeping them. I've lost a lot of people who I thought were genuine but lost them due to ridiculously petty reasons (like not being able to make it to my friend's prom because I had finals at University when I was 15 because I quit HS and I wasn't ALLOWED to fly down to NC from PA). People expect so much of me and I don't expect anything of myself or anyone else. I'm just ... complicated. Let's leave it at that.
I'm spending my-
I'm spending my days
I'm spending my-
I'm spending my days
I'm spending my days
My day-mons yeah
They're taking up inside of my heart
They were trying to keep me entertained
But they were tearing me apart
Well my memory she was packing yeah
And I knew that she would never come back
She handed me a letter and then
Then she vanished in the black
And the letter said
(Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let it be
And you know what I mean
Yeah you know what I mean
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let it be
And you know what I mean
Yeah you know what I mean)
Well I met up with my common sense
And I knew it by the way she stared
She said if you don't make a noise
I will never know your there
Ao I purchased me a ticket yeah
For a meeting with Jesus Christ
He shook my hand and offered me
Just this thimble of advice
He was telling me
()
Hello he-he-hello...
Hey come on
Hello he-he-hello..
Hey come on
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let be
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let be
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
You know what I mean
Yeah you know what I mean
I'm not trying to make friends, I'm trying to be a part of a family - the reason why I was adopted INTO a family. If making myself happy were as easy as you typing the words with infinite optimism, faith, and hope - don't you think I would have already made it there?
There are things I like about myself and under the right circumstances, I think I'd be an excellent candidate for "best friend ever". But I'm currently not in that type of situation, never have been, and most likely never will be. I don't have a hard time making friends - I have a hard time keeping them. I've lost a lot of people who I thought were genuine but lost them due to ridiculously petty reasons (like not being able to make it to my friend's prom because I had finals at University when I was 15 because I quit HS and I wasn't ALLOWED to fly down to NC from PA). People expect so much of me and I don't expect anything of myself or anyone else. I'm just ... complicated. Let's leave it at that.
I'm spending my-
I'm spending my days
I'm spending my-
I'm spending my days
I'm spending my days
My day-mons yeah
They're taking up inside of my heart
They were trying to keep me entertained
But they were tearing me apart
Well my memory she was packing yeah
And I knew that she would never come back
She handed me a letter and then
Then she vanished in the black
And the letter said
(Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let it be
And you know what I mean
Yeah you know what I mean
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let it be
And you know what I mean
Yeah you know what I mean)
Well I met up with my common sense
And I knew it by the way she stared
She said if you don't make a noise
I will never know your there
Ao I purchased me a ticket yeah
For a meeting with Jesus Christ
He shook my hand and offered me
Just this thimble of advice
He was telling me
()
Hello he-he-hello...
Hey come on
Hello he-he-hello..
Hey come on
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let be
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
Let be
Things are what you make of them
Things are what you make of them
You know what I mean
Yeah you know what I mean
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