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Helpless

Jul 06, 2013 - 11 comments
Tags:

helpless

,

Pain

,

Cancer

,

years

,

sleep

,

Life

,

eyes

,

Love

,

Doctor

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side effects

,

vomiting



Oh no, I love waking up at 4 AM in excruciating pain and not being able to fall back to sleep. It's okay, I don't mind vomiting until I can't believe that there'd be anything left inside for me to bring up. No, I'm fine with having stage IV cancer with mets that won't go away, that I won't just "get over" so I can move on with my life. I don't mind having to have conversations about Hospice while I'm only 22 years old, before I reach my dream of being a doctor. I know I'm a good person, and I didn't do anything to anyone. I know that life is so unfair and never will be fair. I know that I lost my friend when she was 23, and she was the strongest person I've ever known. She never stopped fighting, and she still died. People die. That's just how it goes. That's a side effect of life. I know that my life has been full, so I guess I've lived a whole lifetime in these 22 years. I must have, right? Then why do I feel so angry right now? Why do I feel so helpless? Life is not going how I thought it would. I don't want to hear my parents' voices crack every time they talk to me. That's bull, they shouldn't have to feel this way. I don't want my little brother to avoid any serious conversation with me. We're growing apart when we should be coming together. I have to comfort everyone I talk to in some way or another or listen to them tell me things that I know won't happen. Or they tell me things that make them feel better, and I have no idea what to say. I don't know what to do. I used to be in control. I used to have my life all planned out, and now it's all fallen apart. I have some tough choices that I don't want to make. I just want to be able to sleep right now and not have to think about any of this. I don't want to have to make this decision. I just want to close my eyes and pretend this isn't all happening. Fxck Cancer.

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by evewisewoman, Jul 06, 2013

Hi Millachris,

I couldn't stand by and not make a comment. What you are going through is nightmarish. You are a good person.
I wish I knew something I could say to you to make you feel better. You're right. Life isn't fair. There are no
guarantees in life. A young person like yourself shouldn't be sick with cancer. It's not fair. When you say, Fxck cancer,
I agree. My mom had breast cancer four years ago. I know what she went through. She ended up having to have
a double mastectomy and she was in her late seventies when this happened. I know your dream was to be a doctor
and I know would have made an excellent one. You write that you have to comfort everyone you talk to in some way
or another. That must be very hard. The whole thing must be dreadfully hard. Don't give up though, Millachris.
Don't go quietly into that good night. Is it possible to use mental imagery to picture yourself fighting with the cancer.
I read that somewhere. I don't know if that would really be helpful but I offer it as a suggestion. I would find it terribly
hard to feel like I had no control. I would feel angry and scared. Keep strong, my friend.  I'm sending you a big hug.  Eve

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by millachris7, Jul 06, 2013
Hi,

I don't know what to do right now. It really isn't fair and I'm facing some tough decisions. I don't really know if I should stop treatment or not, but I feel like I should. I don't want to give up, but I don't feel like I'm giving up. Thanks for the hug.

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by evewisewoman, Jul 07, 2013

Hi Milla,

I'm going to make a suggestion. I'm going to give you my email address. I know it's hard to talk about personal
things like this in this kind of forum. I'm a recently retired primary teacher. I was confronted with cancer first hand
when my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer about four years ago. Anyway, I'll give you my email address.
It's ***@**** . If you feel like talking to me, venting, talking about whether to stop treatmnent or not,
I will give you my honest opinion. I will leave it up to you, Milla. If you want someone to talk to, I'll listen. Eve :)

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by evewisewoman, Jul 07, 2013

Hi there,

It seems I can't give you my personal email address. Okay, I'm with AOL. My nickname is evecaren.
I wish you the best Milla. As for thanking me for the hug, you are very welcome.  Eve

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by millachris7, Jul 07, 2013
I don't have aol, but I can give you my email address. It's millachris7 @ gmail .com hopefully it comes out that way with the spaces. Thanks for listening, I appreciate it.

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by push2rewind, Jul 07, 2013
I wish I could do something..I can keep you in my prayers..and send my love

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by millachris7, Jul 07, 2013
Thank you

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by evewisewoman, Jul 08, 2013


It's kind of you to thank me for listening, Millachris. I will be in touch. Blessings, Eve

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by millachris7, Jul 08, 2013
Ok, I'll keep an eye out. Thanks, Milla

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by JanuaryGirl67, Jul 26, 2013
Milla, I'm new here so of course you don't know me, but I saw your post and though it's been a couple weeks I had to check in. How are you doing now... are you in the same place? I hope for you that your (emotional) pain is not still so exquisitely sharp. I have felt similar (no, not the same, but very similar) as you are/have been. I know how it can feel. I was only partially through my chemo (for my 3rd concurrent, stages 2c, 3b, and 2b cancer, FOLFOX regimen) and was unbelieveably sick and desperately wanted to stop. My doctors told me it wouldn't really change my outcome, as the main benefit I might get (less than 1% of 1%!) had probably been gained. ?. but my family.. ? Wow. No way they could understand. I also frequently found myself having to "comfort" them, too. I felt frustrated,  angry, guilty, resentful, and a lot of things... I know I don't have to tell you. I guess I just wanted  you to know you are not alone. I can't type a lot at once. I have some additional issues that make it hard, but if you could use another ear/shoulder/whatever, I can give you my email, too.. let me know & try to hang in there as best as you can.. for you. Sending caring, sympathetic thoughts your way.
~~ J~girl (januarygirl67)

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by millachris7, Jul 26, 2013
I'm doing a little better now emotionally. I'm home with my family, so it's a little bit easier on all of us. I'm a little more at peace with the idea that I may not be here for much longer. My family is starting to understand since I'm here with them. Thanks so much for contacting me, I'd love to be able to email you. Thanks, and you're in my prayers.
-Milla

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