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Tramadol & Ultram Recovery Room #59

Jul 17, 2013 - 272 comments
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tramadol

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ultram

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Recovery

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Healing

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morning



Good Morning Tramadol Warriors,


Welcome to the room, snuggle down and make yourself comfy.


You can quit tramadol.  You can stop.  You can recover.


I believe in you!



Love and Healing,
Emily

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by hatetram, Jul 17, 2013
I love what Emily says here… "You can quit, you can stop, you can recover!" It is so true. Regardless of whatever reason you had for being on the evil pill, you have the power to kick it to the curb. Believe in yourself and keep going no matter how hard it seems. Trust me, it is sooooooooooooooo worth it in the end to feel healthy and well.

To Brainfog... That's a pretty high dose for a long time, so be very patient with yourself because it will get better. The longer you are on them and the more pills you took typically elongates the recovery. But you are definitely well on your way having passed a hundred days now! Congratulations!!!!!!!!

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by brooklinefred, Jul 17, 2013
Just a fast thought or vent. As I have outlined in previous posts I am 60 years old. I am coming off a tram habit of minimum 300 little white suckers a week for over 2-3 years. Lost everything...respect and  "unqualified" love from my family. I guess my family still loves me, like my brother. But its not "unqualified" love anymore. You lose that along with trust and the love that I receive from my family now is that of like cousins loving other cousins. I have accepted that.  I had to move in with my 84 year old mother because I just could not afford rent plus I was unemployed for a few months.
Think that is easy?
When I walked thru my mother's door trams ended for me. My 20th tram free day is tomorrow. 20 days. Doing 1 1/2 days between a tram was hell on earth for me not so long ago. I remember after popping 20 trams before bedtime lots of times I used to have conversations with my dad. I would talk out load to my dad. It  was a 2 way conversation. The man has been deceased since 1999.
But I digress...
An hour ago my mother said something to me I have not heard her utter since 1969..."You Want To live Under My Roof You have To Follow My Rules". One part of me laughs ,while the other half cries. Due to the fact if it was not for my mother I would be dead or minimum in prison.

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by movingrightalong, Jul 18, 2013
Hi everyone. I've been trying every single day to leave tramadol behind for 4 out of the 5 years I've been taking it. For 12 days now I've actually managed to decrease the dose consistently. Before it was maybe get down to 8 but then back up to 15 the next day if I couldn't cope with something or other or deal with feelings. For several years I took 20-30 per day. A lot of it has to do with me making the effort to simply sit still and not act on the impulse to reach into my purse for that pill. Deal with the feelings. And slowly, very very slowly, I'm getting better at this. I can't go back to that hell. I am a non-person on tramadol.

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by movingrightalong, Jul 18, 2013
BTW, I'm 44, married, a mother of a 5 year old, own my own business, successful, and thought tramadol was the glue that held it all together for me.

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by dm3410, Jul 18, 2013
A few days ago i woke up with my back hurting really bad. I tried motrin and tylenol  plus a hot soak and a heating pad and no relief. Went to the ER and guess what they gave me? Thats right 10 tramadols! And of course i took them. God i feel so stupid and weak!!! Ever since ive been trying to get pain pills any way i can. I thought i was ready to quit i mean i promised myself that i would quit for my kids and my soon to be wife and i actually gave in. Now i wonder if ill ever get off of them for good. I was so determined to quit and like 9 days in I gave in to temptation instead of refusing the script or tearing it up and flushing it down the toilet where it belongs. Im trying to lose weight because i think thats the source of my back and knee pain. Im carrying around 210 pounds on a 5' 9" frame. Im 34 years old and sometimes i feel 104 especially withdrawaling. Well gotta go for now. Hang in there everybody!!!!!

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by brooklinefred, Jul 18, 2013
Hello dm3410.......I am finding it hard to grasp this. An ER nurse or Dr instructed gave you ten (10)  50 mg tramadols and then instructed you to ingest them all at once for your back relief ?

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by EmilyPost, Jul 19, 2013
Oh Sweetheart of course it is the withdrawal. Of course it is.  I like the way you describe it as being like a child.  It is like that in many ways.

Just assure yourself and if you have to remind that Hubs that this is withdrawal and It's serious.  I can't count the number of people who have drifted thru the journal who have told us that this is harder to get off than freakin' heroin.  

So.  Yeah.  It will pass.  You will be ok.  Baby yourself and be gentle as much as you can.  The anger and rage belongs on the shoulders of the Tramadol.  Not on your shoulders honey.  

3 days is a huge accomplishment.  You are thru the worst I believe.

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by movingrightalong, Jul 20, 2013
I have 14 days of (mostly) not taking any more Tramadol than I did the day before. For me this is huge progress because now there are huge gaps in my day where I have to deal with my feelings and not take more pills instead. So I am forced to find healthier ways to deal. I think after 5 years it may finally be working. It's working enough that I'm comfortable posting here rather than lurking as I have for about 4 years.


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by KC67, Jul 21, 2013
Hello everyone.

I have just been feeling so rotten lately, that I haven't even had the energy or desire to post.....but I have been lurking - and I am just so thankful to be able to come here and read.  

Day 48 for me.  Got some really good sleep last night.  I honestly can't remember getting good sleep like that for years.
It feels so great!

Today is a good day.  No anxiety or dread for the day - which has been present for the past 48 days.  Also, the anger and irritability are MUCH better.  

Waterview - I too have been experiencing random fits of rage and sobbing.  I know it is part of the withdrawal and I am here to say that it does get better.  Just be kind to yourself and allow yourself to feel the emotions.  Go in a closet or someplace alone until you feel better.  One thing I have noticed is that I have said some pretty mean things to people I love when I am feeling like that - so I found it best for me to just retreat until I felt better.

Movingrightalong - you are doing great!  Yes.  "Healthier ways to deal" is what I am searching for too.  Right now, at 48 days Tram free, I am struggling with boredom and sadness.  I have taken these devil pills for so many years (I am thinking I started them around 2005) - my mind and body just feel lost without them.  I don't crave them - I am just not sure what to do with myself.  Your story is much like mine.  For years I rode the Increase/Decrease/Quit roller coaster.  It was the worst ride of my life.  Even though jumping off the ride is painful and LONG - it is worth it.  

Brooklinefred - Congrats on still being Tram - FREE!  You are doing awesome even though you have had some major changes in your life.  It is good that you are in a place that is a "Tram FREE Zone".  God bless your Mom!

Things that help:

*Good music - tram stole my love for music and I found that dusting off my iPod and playing some of my favorite music REALLY helps with my mood.  Does anyone know if music creates endorphins?  It sure feels like it.

*Honey - I take a teaspoon of honey every morning for energy.  I am sure honey is good for many more things - like immune system and antioxidants - maybe it can also help get my brain functioning normally again?

*Good scents - find a good scent that you love - something you can just breathe in.  Like a favorite flower, perfume, recipe, or article of clothing.  Keep it nearby or in your home.  My youngest son has an old (clean) ratty blanky that I could just breathe in all day long because it smells like him.  This may sound weird, but good scents really have helped me lift my mood.

*Being Kind to myself - this one is a biggie.  The tram voices are so strong and so ugly.  They try very hard to convince you that you are worthless - a loser - weak - and that you would be better off dead.  When these voices arise, I have to really focus on not listening and find an immediate distraction.  I have canceled a lot of events and parties that I was supposed to attend because honestly....I am only good for about half a day right now.  Then I crash.  Give yourself permission to retreat and crash if necessary.  The parties and events will always be there.

Here's to hoping all of you are seeing better days!

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by waterview4326, Jul 21, 2013
Well today was an extremely physically exhausting day and evening. I mean I literally feel like dog poop, don't mean to be gross but it describes how I feel. KC I so appreciate your words and you are right when I get the fits of rage well I take it out on the WRONG people then I feel bad later. I do go somewhere in the house and try and lay low as I can FEEL the rage come over me, it's not me, it's still my body angry over no tramadol. I do worry if this continues because today was the first day I literally could NOT get my legs to move with me, my breaks were long today , I expected this I did but nevertheless it is very hard to explain to my husband so I just don't. I come on here and read because unless you have been through this you can't explain the lead legs, or the rls, or the hot and cold chills, or the fits of rage and then there is the crying. Tonight was the first night I thought if I took even 1/4 of a pill this would ALL go away. I can see my husband does not understand it, I feel like he is IRRITATED with my fatique but I can't dwell on that to get to the other side I have to push through this, it does NOT make it any easier.

    I have to say today has been the worst day so far, not so much the emotions today but physically sick. I pushed myself to walk and I kid you not I almost felt as if I would fall over, the fatique is that bad. I am a walker daily so this definitely surprised me today. My legs shook and trembled just around the block so then I soaked in the tub 3 times today with the Epsom salts, that does give me relief. KC I ;liked what you said about scents so I did wash my sheets today in that new Gain scent I love the smell and air dryed them, hoping that may help me sleep, which thankfully I can sleep, I know that is an issue for many, of course I fall asleep watching TV, cannot just go to bed yet.

  Okay well I feel like I am rambling here by myself. I just don't know where to put my emotions yet so I come here. Tomorrow is day 6 and I have to pull myself together I have obligations I have to fulfill. If I feel tomorrow like I did today well I can't go there, I could NOT have done it today. I also have panic issues that come over me, it's crazy I have NEVER been nervous and in the car well I am a mess LOL!!!!!!!  So for day 5 a bit worse than day 4, well let's hope for a better day 6, at least I am tramadol free. KC I am thinking of you, I know it is hard, only another tramadol addict can understand, thinking of all of us struggling to be free and stay free

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by michael1953296, Jul 21, 2013
Well I was up to 2000mg a day on Trams for over 2 years. I then went into taking Oxy's. I can tell you the WD's on Trams are much harder. One of the main reason is Trams have a built in anti-depressant so when you quit you will feel a lot of depression. I  am now working on getting off Oxy's and the WD's are nowhere as hard. One thing that helped me immensely is Gabapetin. This drug stopped the WD's cold on Oxy's. Not sure if it will work as well with Trams because of the depression factor. Taking a good old anti-depressant like Tyrosine may help.
Good luck
Michael

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by dm3410, Jul 21, 2013
I went to my psychiatrist on Friday and he prescribed me Effexor. I heard many times you shouldnt mix ssri's with tramadol. I havent taken the effexor yet but my question is should I go ct off the trams or should I taper. To brooklinefred the doctor gave me ten trams and I was instructed to take one every eight hours and yes when I got the script filled I DID TAKE all ten at once. I know thats a stupid thing to do but I have a high tolerance to them. Ever since I have regretted doing it so much i was nine days in and I cant go more than two weeks without finding an excuse to take them because boredom sets in and lack of energy. Hopefully the effexor will help me quit for good. SO should I go cold turkey or taper and do I have to wait until the trams are out of my system before i start taking the effexor? Any advise would greatly be appreciated. I just want off these pills for the rest of my life.

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by KC67, Jul 22, 2013
Hi dm3410 - I am so sorry they gave you Tram at the ER.  Please don't beat yourself up for taking them.  Just look forward.  You seem to want to get off of these horrible pills - and that is your focus now.

As for tapering vs. cold turkey.  That is a tough one.   You will find arguments for both ways and success for both ways.  You need to decide what works best for YOU.  Waterview and many others have done a taper and felt like that was the best way for them.  As for me, I have always quit cold turkey.  I was experiencing the withdrawals anyway at lower doses, and I hated the Trams so baldy that I just wanted OFF.  

The ultimate goal is to get OFF the trams - doesn't really matter how you get there.  :-)

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by waterview4326, Jul 22, 2013
I sure seem to post a lot!!   Well it is day 6 night and  I feel so much better today than yesterday. I think if I thought I would have consecutive days like yesterday well I would feel like giving up. Yesterday was the worst, felt awful but today pretty darn good. The morning was tough but it got better as the day went on. Anyone reading this please know Tramadol withdrawl is tough but you can do it. So many people encouraged me and I want anyone contemplating quitting to really do it, get a plan in place, get all the supplies, because I was just sooooo afraid to let that last morsel of a pill go. That first 2 days I was just so afraid of what was to come and because I was prepared with everything I think it made it a smoother transition. I do know for sure this is NOT_LINEAR, you NEVER know how you will feel, however if you can accept that it makes it easier to just muddle through it. Tomorrow is week one down for me and I just feel so happy inside, now tomorrow may be very different LOL!!!!!!!!!!

I really can't remember how I felt before Tramadol, so sad. I hope anyone reading knows it can be done, the fear is the worst. My whole world evolved around my pills, that alone is a joy to NOT count out my supply for the day. I hope this finds all who read here well and I will see you all soon

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by brooklinefred, Jul 22, 2013
Sunday I attended my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I plan to continue on the weekends. I have always avoided for whatever reason wearing my current or latest addiction on my sleeve. I was always within myself, locked in my drug induced vacuum. But since my current tramadol detox, I figured it was just time to find another avenue, like this one, to share addiction, and attempt to be educated. There were addicts as young as teenagers and as old as senior citizens. For me it was very cathartic. A process in hindsight I should have afforded myself a long time ago. From Pot to Pills I have been addicted to something other than my happiness and survival since I graduated high school in 1970. Several years ago I had been clean for the previous several years. My mother was prescribed these pain pills called tramadol. Old habits never really die. You just try like hell to control them. I "borrowed" a few and ingested them when I returned to my apt. The rest as we say is history.
Turning 61 next month I realize I am at my last roundup, about the last time I will be sitting around life's campfire sharing stories with the guys/gals.
I have been tram free for 24 days now. From a few hundred trams a week to shutting Hade's door three weeks ago. Still in pain.
I wanted to hear again what ocean waves, or wind rustling the tops of trees sounded like solely with my God given ears...Not filtered or enhanced by a chemical.
I figure I owe myself at least that.

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by waterview4326, Jul 23, 2013
Brooklinefred I so relate to wanting to hear ocean waves, etc. tram numbed me to all things. I too want to just experience life not on a chemical and so glad you went to an NA meeting.  I am in my mid 50's and just can't fathom being on this drug anymore. Congrats on 24 days I am 7 days, I know this is it for me, I cut my sourses and honestly will not EVER deal with this again. I too am still in pain but honestly stretching, walking, soaks, all help me, mine is not horrible pain, it's fibro, so it's an achy kind of pain.

   There is so much that goes into getting off this stuff as my emotions were shut off, I no longer appreciated nature or much of anything, in the end I was just exhisting. Now at 7 days still kind of feel like poo but I am pushing my way through hour by hour. The only thing that overwhelms me is the fatique, quicksand legs, but I know in time it will go away. We do owe ourselves a tramadol free life, I think age is also a factor in the extreme fatique for me. Here's to day 25 for you, and to my second week of this HORRIBLE drug. Have a good day. Thanks to everyone who posts here, I need others help to not feel alone

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by EmilyPost, Jul 23, 2013
Dear Waterview ... The fatigue will lift.  Literally it just lifts one day.  Sometimes the lead legs come back.

I remember breathlessness that scared me, but that vanished too.

Lots of help can be achieved for Tram withdrawal.  All vitamins help and exercise OMG ... once you can workout ... you'll be amazed.  That really helps.  Moving and being in sunlight out in Life and Nature really helps.  And I don't think you post too much.  I think that you are helping people who are lurking so much Dear Heart.  It helps people to be able to follow a person and hear their day to day thoughts and feelings and watch how they progress.  Not just forward, backwards, side ways whatever.

I hear from so many people who are scared to post. And the main thing they communicate is how grateful they are to find such a long wealth of information and years and years of what different people went thru.  That's the idea of keeping the journal going.  

I remember just being crazy for any knowledge or reassurance.  "How Long Will This Last?!?!"  That's the biggest one.  Always.  

I love this BrooklineFred ... "I wanted to hear again what ocean waves, or wind rustling the tops of trees sounded like solely with my God given ears...Not filtered or enhanced by a chemical.
I figure I owe myself at least that. "

Amen to that!  


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by waterview4326, Jul 24, 2013
I had this LONG post written out and it just vanished!!!!!!!  On to day 8 and doing well. Emily as always you are right about exercise and sunlight. I wanted to let anyone reading know that this morning I went about my morning routinue and the lead legs were not there, OMG I was so happy. Now I know they will come back but this is progress. So day 8 the FIRST morning without the quicksand legs. So Emily as always you KNOW the answers to our questions because you have been there, so thank you!!!!!!!!

  I came here LONGING to know how LONG the symptoms will last so I think this is why I post so much  in case anyone is reading. I also find the emotional part is so much better, no more rage right now, OMG I was SOOOOOO awful, I literally fell apart over the simple things. Now I expect it will return from time to time but just having normalcy is great.

  I pulled my music out yesterday and wow what a year of using tram did to my voice. I can't believe how I just became just kind of a blob on tram. No enthusiasm for the things I loved, only tram seeking behavior. I have a ways to go to get back to where I was, however I know I have to just be gentle with myself or I will just get overwhelmed, it does sadden me to HEAR how much my voice suffered.

  Okay so anyone reading, the first week although tough, really was WAY better than I expected. PLEASE realize if on a lower dose of tram it is NOT as bad as we imagine. Somehow I imagined myself SOOO much worse. Just be prepared with supplies, for me the MOST helpful thing was to keep MY expectations low, set yourself up for success by planning ahead with meals etc. in case you feel low. I froze dinners etc. so I could feed my family and I served the food on paper plates so I did not have major dishes, it was a small thing but having a CLEAN and TIDY home helped me so much. If my area around me was messy I became MORE agitated. Also clean clothes and bed linens and extra's on hand, VERY simple things to do in advance helped me. Also I felt BAD in the mornings so I laid out ALL my morning routinue stuff out the night before so I would not have to think. I went so far as making sandwiches etc. in advance so all I had to do was OPEN the frig and there was my lunch, I did not have a lot of energy on days 4 through 6. Also the baths and showers by FAR the best, STILL no matter how fatiqued I am a shower helps so much. Also if possible get dressed put on a bit of makep and force yourself outside if only to read a magazine. I know this may sound crazy but for only myself I can speak but the fatique was tough, I was sooooo greatful for my meals already prepared.

   Okay well my tramadol warriors you can do this. One thing I realize now is the drug made me believe I could not have a day without them. I could NEVER imagine a morning without my pill, however I am doing it and so can you. I do miss my morning pill and my afternoon pill but the satisfaction that comes over me at night is priceless. To KNOW I made it another day is like I am the happiest I have been in a year. To be honest I was NEVER really happy, I was in kind of a tram fog, how could I have thought I was living, the drug lies to us. Now I certainly do NOT feel great but I am secretly inside so proud I am doing this and so can you, there is a better life for us, we just have to take that first step, I KNOW how hard it is, but you can do this. Emily so much love for you and this forum, have a good day guys

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by brooklinefred, Jul 24, 2013
I receive emails like this in my Inbox everyday. This used to bother me, but those days left over 3 weeks ago. Screw him.

Hi

Fred I can you Tramadol now But The Price is 160$ for 180 pills.Please lemme know if you want me to send you.

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by waterview4326, Jul 25, 2013
Good Morning


    On to day 9 here. Well to say non linear for tramadol is a must. I simply cannot explain to you the difference in how I feel all day compared to the night time, well from 6 on. I feel HORRIBLE every morning and literally have to just force myself through the mornings and early afternoon. I wonder if it is related to the fact I never took any pills after 3 any day, it does not really matter, it is just weird. I could cry right now because as I always say just going up and down the stairs such an effort for me.  However if you are reading even though I say it is hard, and it IS hard, I do it.  You have to push, push, push, if I give in to the fatique then I will fall behind in all my chores around here and then I will get overwhelmed and then I will get aggigitated. Last night at 6 I went to the grocery store, Walmart, put all my groceries away, pulled weeds, pittled outside, and did 2 loads of laundry, folded and put away, felt soooo good, this morning again like dog poo, it is just the weirdest thing. I am doing vitamins, sublingual B12, magnesium, because in the mornings I have the rls and tingles in my thighs and legs, not bad but it is there. I KNOW I am tired because my body is craving the tramadol, it is no longer getting the pill and it is not producing the endorphin's on it's own yet, I KNOW this yet it is still just so draining. Hopefully today will be like yesterday and energy will at least come in some spurt later in the day.   Also I have a FAST heart rate in the morning, like I just ran, so crazy this whole darn detox. It's ALL tolerable but I do have to say unpleasant. I would not have changed anything for how I got off tram still glad I tapered, I believe it helped my initial detox but I think the fatique and malaise will continue for awhile. The grass needs to be mowed, hubby is working a ton, normally I would run out and do it but I just can't right now, I know I am just not up to it this morning so I am hoping this afternoon to have the energy.

   I got on the treadmill only did 15 minutes just crappy this morning to say the least. I don't mean to dwell on it writing this in case anyone is lurking and detoxing so THEY as well as ME know this is a normal part of getting to the other side. I know like Emily says one day the fatique will be gone and today I am 9 days closer to getting there. I am so glad despite how I feel in the mornings that I got OFF this drug, I can't believe how much it changed me. I am still crying at commercials etc. and just FEEL life right now, it is balancing out a bit.

  Okay well thought I would get these feelings out, so hard to explain to anyone, because I look normal but just tired,really tired!!!!!  Now I have to get showered, dressed, do some things around my house, then going off with hubby at 1 and then the whole dinner thing, and hopefully will get energy as the day goes on, last night I just felt GREAT!!!!

   I hope maybe there is someone here reading like me, I hope I can encourage someone that this can be done because last night was a PRICELESS feeling, to have ALL that energy and it be natural well to me that is a HUGE gift and accomplishment, would not change a thing although I am struggling other times, it's normal I know.  Have a good day to everyone reading much love

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by waterview4326, Jul 25, 2013
Here I am posting again. I have nowhere to put these emotions at all. Today got in a fight with my husband for the first time since being off tram.  It is a fight with words that cut DEEP into me, nothing tram related at all, just something HE said that he KNEW would hurt me. He was in a mood before I ever saw him but he lashed out the minute he saw me,  I have never felt this hurt. He asked me to do something and I did it but not exactly like he said but I made the effort, I did NOT deserve what he said. Anyway the problem is DEALING with anger and hurt as a sober person. Today I walked away from him, I know this sounds superficial but I did NOTHING wrong, so instead of saying that I thought I was right, I just walked away. I am so full of rage at what he said that it would not have been pretty. I know when he gets back we will not speak, it is like that in dealing with him, before I would have popped a tram and gone about my day. Today I can't, he hurt me and I guess I just need to find the right time to say so. I know him we have been married 31 years, I can't change him, I know how he will act, I just have to figure out how I will react to him.

   I can't believe how much what he said bothered me. He acted like a jerk to our kids also, would not speak, I am so angry I could slap him, but I quess I have to figure out new coping skills. I have to go about my day, I have to move forward, I am just so mad

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by EmilyPost, Jul 25, 2013
((((waterview)))))

Tram plays rough.  That rage is awful. I remember it so well.

I hope you were able to talk to your Husband.

I think you are driving yourself way too hard Sweetheart.  If you can treat yourself with gentle sweet kindness, that would help.  I think that when I was coming off everything ... I wish I had treated myself with much more compassion.  I think because I felt so bad, and so ill, it took a ton of energy to drive myself thru.  Like whipping an exhausted horse.  Brutal.  I did the best I could and I know you are as well.  You're pretty amazing.  

New coping skills will come.  Patience, Faith, Kindness, Love ...

You got this Honey.

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by waterview4326, Jul 26, 2013
Thank You Emily!!!!

    Yes I know in time new coping skills will come. For anyone maybe reading, this forum sure is slow lately, just wanted to share getting off tramadol really is possible. Emily you have checked in with me and I really needed the support because as you KNOW at times it feels lonely letting the drug go. Even though I KNOW it was BEST for me, I still think about the pills, not like major cravings BUT just mainly the morning pill and afternoon pill. Had to just change my routinue because I could no longer take a pill, did anyone experience that, a kind of lonliness that comes after the initial detox?

   I feel really proud inside that I am beating this demon. The fatique of course is still hanging around but I am working through it, not easy but extremely doable. Emotions are still raw but for the most part I have really done pretty well. I say this to encourage anyone reading that fear is what kept me taking the trams, I NEVER thought I could make it a day without them, I am doing it and so can you. Trams do lie to us, tell us we can't go out without taking one, tell us we can't go to a get together without one, go spend the night somewhere without packing them, heck I could not go to church without my pills!!!!!!

   Okay my fellow warriors here is to another sober week end for me. I might be a bit slow and tired but on  the inside I am beaming, I am doing this, I set my plan and actually followed it through, I did NOT follow anything through on Trams. We can beat this drug, it is possible. Emily much love to you and thank you for checking in on me......HUGS!!!!!!

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by brooklinefred, Jul 27, 2013
We can focus tram detox on kindness, love, puppy dog tails, sugar and spice and everything nice....but Tram detox is different for everyone with regard to severity and your life's situation. Speaking for myself tram detox began in a deep, slippery pit from  hell.  Strong will, emotional self support, and simply how bad do you want to be tram free...creates that ladder in your psyche that you use to climb out of that damn pit one rung at a time.

One month tram free today.


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by waterview4326, Jul 27, 2013
Yes at times I do feel like I am in a deep, slippery pit in hell especially this morning. I feel so darn down, I simply am doing everything I can to help myself but this morning is dark. I am pushing the 2 week mark soon and only one other day this bad. Seems like I feel like I am in a bubble of dark depression, like I am a blob, just a big nothing blob. I won;t  give in but this is terribly hard.  Never felt this dark but I know to expect this, everyone who has quit trams told me about the darkness and until I had it I could really not get it so to speak. Hubby is painting his workshop and has energy and me I am just faking it, I push myself to exercise but today did not help, just a tough day.

  However I will drag my tired body into the shower and do the best I can to make it another clean day. Anyone reading I was only on Tram a year and what it did to my body and mind well really messed it up. I feel right now like I am wishing my life away WAITING for the weeks to go by so this darkness will be over. Brooklinefred congrats on a month, that's great!!!!!  I like you really want this, too old to continue on this path of destruction, however it did a number on my mental disposition. I am not joking when I say I feel like a blob, I do, no energy, no personality, no motivation other than to crawl through this despair and get to the other side. Fred how do you feel at one month out? Please let me know.  11 days for me

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by waterview4326, Jul 27, 2013
I have to say day 11 has been the worst day I have had . This kind of malaise lasted ALL day with no breaks in between. Usually I have bad mornings and the day gets better but not today. I could not force myself out, so I just took it easy and did small tasks. My family just does not understand and if I were not going through it neither would I.  I just felt lost all day, the thought of carrying laundry upstairs overwhelmed me, isn't that crazy? I laid down at 4 and I could feel my heart pounding through my chest, no idea why at all. I literally just washed and blew dry my hair and I am tired, crazy!!  I put it off all day did not feel like I could hold the dryer up, it is simply baffling me how tired I am, yet through it all I am still proud, I am still sober and I am still fighting to make it.

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by brooklinefred, Jul 27, 2013
By my posts Ms Waterview4326 you know I am not a real "rah rah " kind of guy. But for what its worth it seems to me that you are in the midst of your own personal tram obstacle course. Your psyche is throwing this gauntlet of tram induced situations in front of you. By sensing the inherent strength and conviction through your posts I just know that you will come crashing through that door into the tram free primary colored world of simply living your life by your own terms and challenges....and not those dictated by a tiny white pill.
The overall tone within your post prompted me to write this.
Saying  "Be Strong"  is somewhat pretentious.
Hell, you ARE strong.
See you on the other side.

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by waterview4326, Jul 28, 2013
Thank You Brooklinefred I NEEDED to hear I was strong. This morning I woke up and all these NEGATIVE flashbacks came back I mean like 20 years ago, it was crazy. I think my mind was trying to make me believe I am a failure, I am NONE of those things. I believe it is still Tram talking to me, trying to get me to believe the lies.  So on to another day trying to move forward with my life, thanks for responding to my post, been a hard couple of days.

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by Brainfog101, Jul 28, 2013
Waterview4326--Hang in there don't despair.I too have have had negative flashbacks from years ago.It's fleeting and does go away.Time is a great friend and goes quick and before you know it you will have this nightmare behing you.
I don't know how long it will take for you to be 100% but it shouldn't be too long because of your lower dose and shorter time on it.

For me recovery was very slow.I felt no improvement until 7 weeks and after 3 months things started to get quiet a bit better.I still have lingering on/off paws but every symptom is milder and not lasting long and I know in time I will be complet back to myself.

Keep hanging in there you will be VERY VERY glad you did.

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by waterview4326, Jul 28, 2013
Thank you Brain fog, I do have to admit these last 2 days I felt really negative, really low in mood. Having positive thoughts coming my way gives me hope.. When you are in the negative moods, it's like you can't get yourself OUT,even by changing my environment, it's a complete mental battle, at least for me. I appreciate the responses because to be honest the first week was a breeze compared to now.  I  will continue the fight to get to recovery however I am blindsided by the moods I am in, however I know I am not alone so that gives me comfort to KNOW that I can and will get better, here is to another sober week=end.

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by JessGehl, Jul 28, 2013
Current Room :) glad Emily told me to go here haha

soo again I am on day 54 clean of tramadol. I used tramadol for 6 months and went cold turkey. I am dealing with PAWS now. And wow brain fog and confusion and depression and ughhhhh. It's hard to even write this right now cause im in a fog. I hope this gets better cause I am loosing hope. In the beginnig of the PAWS the depression was so bad that i just couldnt take it anymore and tried committing suicide. And I almost succeeded, i OD'd on ativan. I stopped breathing and was rushed to the hospital and was in a sedative state until i could breath on my own again. that was about 14 days ago. still dealing with the depression but if i try to stay focused and positive it isn't as bad as before. I really hope I can feel normal again...

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by EmilyPost, Jul 28, 2013
Oh Jess!  I am so sorry to hear that.   I'm so thankful you are still here and did not succeed.

Keep posting if you can.  It actually really helps.

((((((Jess)))))))

I have a cousin who passed away from benzos mixed with booze.  So horrifying.  

You can feel normal again, promise.  I had horrible suicidal ideation coming off all the pills I was on.   It lifted but it took time and no more pills.

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by JessGehl, Jul 28, 2013
How long did it take for it to pass for you? or until you started feeling more normal. I have been taking klonopin for the anxiety cause that mixed with the depression it is almost unbearable. So taking the klonopin does help me to just calm down and get through the day. Sleep isn't to bad of an issue. but the feeling numb is ridiculous. I just can't wait to feel normal again.



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by waterview4326, Jul 29, 2013
Well good morning everyone

    Day 13 here for me. I made it through the week-end. They for some reason are worse than week days, don't know why. I struggled horribly on Sat but Sunday was better. I have been forcing myself to walk and  exercise and I mean FORCE, however glad when I am done. I will be completely honest here I talk with people who are several months into recovery and some still feel bad, however I know everyone is different and I enjoy talking with all people in different stages of recovery.  I can't believe STILL how I did NOT see my life changing while on Tram, it just numbed me completely. I have so much work to do on myself, however slow and steady for now.

   okay so anyone reading there are days I feel pretty good. I seem to have 3 or 4 days good then a couple bad. Learning how to handle my problems are difficult because I swept everything under the rug on tram, I became isolated on Tram, how did it happen? It angers me. So I am trying each day to begin all over, literally I gave up all my hobbies, really became lost, so each day I really am trying. I am so glad I quit I can't imagine what would have happened if I had stayed on them, I mean I lost a year, in that time I lost quite a bit mostly myself. I am in my 50's and I wonder how someone of my age deals with this, however I will deal with it by putting one foot in front of the other. This can be done and I wish everyone wherever you are in this beast of addiction, a good day, we can do it, thank you for all who have helped me.













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by KC67, Jul 29, 2013
Hi everyone.

Been too miserable too post.  I keep wanting to post that "I'm okay now" and it only took xxx number of days.  I know that is what I want to hear right now, but instead I am beginning to doubt my sanity and wondering if I have permanently messed up my brain with these evil pills.

Jess - my heart goes out to you.  You prompted me to post.  You are not alone.  I still have hope that I will return to normal after time...don't know how long....right now it seem agonizingly slow.  

Depression and random anxiety are shelling me right now.  The tram voices are screaming and throwing old memories at me (I know exactly what you are talking about Waterview - and you are correct - week 1 was a breeze compared to now.


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by JessGehl, Jul 29, 2013
Hey KC67

I know exactly how you feel. my heart goes out to you as well. I know how hard it is to get your mind away from the tram voices...it's so hard because they just consume you and nothing helps. But i was there too. Today was actually a good day so far. i'm not feeling very numb i laughed today. and i am starting to feel again. the fog is still there....when everything just doesn't seem 100% right. but it does get better i promise. Hang in there. And wow do i know what you mean when you say it feels agonizingly slow! i'm dealing with that too....its like WHEN WHEN WHEN will i feel better! But I try to focus on the little moments that I have where i'm just a little ok and i cherish them. But DO NOT overdo it. Be gentle on yourself. You are healing. think of it as you just had brain surgery, and you need to rest and heal. so be strong and cherish the little things.

HUGS and love

Jess

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by JessGehl, Jul 29, 2013
I have a few question for you KC67

how long were you using tramadol and at what dose?

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by KC67, Jul 29, 2013
Thanks Jess.  I needed to hear your words.

I have been on Tram since 2004 or 2005 - not 100 % sure.  I used to take about 13 50mg per day.  

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by waterview4326, Jul 29, 2013
KC

   I don't have many days put together but I know what you mean you want to come here and say something positive or recovery took so many days. I am so glad you came here today, we all need to be able to help each other. One thing I do know is when I have a doom and gloom day it is bad, really bad. Nobody can possibly understand unless they have been there. I think it was Sat. morning when I literally felt like dying, I am not exaggerating at all, it came out of nowhere. I thought my family would be better off without me, crazy stuff and all day I barely could pull my lead legs around. Then out of nowhere it just disappeared. I am still new to recovery but I read and planned LONG before my final pill and it is just a difficult drug to let go of. Please know you are not alone and I know I want to know the magic  number of days also, but there is none, I do think what everyone says about time, well I think that is what it takes. To be honest that scares me because I feel so bad some days that I can't imagine going through this any more. I have never felt as low as when I got off tram and I have been through a lot in my life. Just know you are not alone

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by FourJays, Jul 29, 2013
Hi everyone,

I have been away for awhile (about a week of storms with on/off internet and power, ugh).  So glad to be back - wow, a lot of posts to read!  

I just want to encourage everyone to keep up the fight!  I have battled this demon pill for 15(?) years.  I'm not even sure when exactly I started; just know that it was "Ultram" when it was first prescribed to me a lifetime ago (by the time the generic 'Tramadol' came along I was heavily dependent/addicted).  When I quit (cold turkey) I was taking up to 45 (Yes, 45), 50mg pills per DAY.  That was 8 months ago - Today!!!

It has not been easy, and to this day I occasionally have recurring symptoms; very, very mild, but symptoms nonetheless.  I also deal with chronic pain issues every day.  Although I have told my "secret" to my husband, my family, my doctors (heck, anyone that would listen!) and I have cut all sources, I know that I am still a 'work in progress' and am grateful for my sobriety, (and this forum) every single day.

Though I cringe as I'm typing, I want to put this out there to tell anyone/everyone that you CAN do this!  Even considering my outrageous habit and the fact that I quit cold turkey (and yes, the fact that I am extremely lucky to be alive :), I am proof that this CAN be done.  It is not an easy thing to do, whether you took a small amount as prescribed for a short time, or if you abused them as I did for several years - tramadol does NOT like to let go.  It is really, really evil in that way.  So please, hang in there and know that it does get better.  It WILL get better.  I look at it this way - the time spent in detox, withdrawal and recovery, whether it is days, weeks or even a year, this is a small price to pay for what you will get in return - a LIFETIME of clean, sober living; FREE of the evil that is Tramadol :))

You can do this.  You are not alone!



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by dm3410, Jul 29, 2013
Hello everyone. Hows everybody doing? Good i hope and remaining strong. Today is my 5th straight day without taking the rat poison called tramadol. I realized life is to short and precious to live in a tram induced haze and I want to enjoy every second of my life and see my kids grow up without being a tram addict. I have a 8 year old daughter, a 6 year old son, a 5 year old son and a 4 year old daughter and I want to cherish every second with them. So im officially done with the trams. As God as my witness I will never ingest another one as long as I live!!! I dont even have the urge to take one! Im so done with it. In the meantime ive been taking a buttload of vitamins/minerals and amino acids to repair my body and my brain. Ive also been trying to get 8 or 9 hours of sleep every night to rest and rebuild my body and brain. The only thing I havent been doing that i should because it gets the natural brain chemicals pumping is some form of exercise. I really want to start going for runs but just havent got around to it. Well gotta go just wanted everyone to know how determined I am to stay off the poison. Ill try to post as much as I can to let everyone know how im doing and my progress. Hang in there everyone life is to good to be under the influence of ANY substance. Stay strong and keep a positive attitude.

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by JessGehl, Jul 29, 2013
SOOO i was having a good day and then BAM depressed.....it ***** :( tram thoughts breaking through hopeless, numb, UGH....

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by KC67, Jul 30, 2013
Jess - I am having another day like that too.  It really *****.  Woke up with this horrible dread again.  It usually lifts once I start moving and trying to distract myself.

dm3410 - 5 days.  Congrats!  I have kids too - one is leaving for college next year.  It makes me so sad that I have wasted all of those years on stupid Tram.  Do my kids even know me??? You are absolutely doing the right thing.

Waterview, Brainfog, and Fourjays - I can't thank you enough for all of your posts and encouragement.  I have so many days where the negative thoughts just drown out all of my sanity.  And I can't tell you how many times I have thought that my family (and the whole world for that matter) would be better off without me.  And of course, the tram voices tell me that I should be better by now- that this is taking too long.  Thank you for posting.  You really are helping us "lurkers".

Brooklinefred - loved what you wrote.  You are so right.  Anyone who can make it even 1 day off Tram IS STRONG.  And I will see you on the other side.

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by KC67, Jul 30, 2013
Oh and get this....I have been so weird lately - depressed... then angry as hell.... then okay- normal....then I have energy....1 hour later, zero energy.  This random pattern has freaked my family out.  My husband told me to get back on the pills!  Nooooooooooo!   Yes I am actually smiling right now because I am DONE with those evil pills.  I just wish my family could understand.  They see this crazed person who is someone they don't know.

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by waterview4326, Jul 30, 2013
KC we MUST be sister's as I am just like you. My moods change from minute to minute.  Also now my husband loves me, been married 30 years but he actually told me to go back on pills, he does not think I am addicted, even though he SAW me suffer, anyway he thinks my fatique and depression are ridiculous, he thinks I should stay on them. He never understood the pill seeking behavior, counting, cutting them to make them last, planning my life around them, he see's the tired me now and I just think he just does not understand. He does not know I was considering ordering online to supply my addiction, so I mean I KNOW I am addicted to them.  You know what gets me almost as much as the fatique is my LACK of motivation and confidence in myself. I KNOW it is the tram brain screaming but I convince myself I look terrible, I mean I look in the mirror and see all the bad things, am I crazy or what? Like I think I am just a mess and I am not a mess, why is my brain so crazy? Another thing is I just don't really want to be around people at all, like I can control my moods if I am alone, however when my family comes home, little things set me off. For instance just dirty glasses and dishes, dirt and grass being drug inside, them changing clothes several times a day and dropping on the floor, I am so tired it is still an effort to bend down and pick up, sweep, etc.  So KC they see a crazed person also, I mean I feel like a glorified maid right now, so I think that shows what my mood is like. On the other hand at times I am fine and none of it bothers me, it is so random. Also before all this I was an extravert now not at all. I hate when the phone rings, Lord knows I just DO NOT want to talk LOL!!!!!!!!!  If someone comes to the door I pretend I am not here, it is ALL so sad. It's the tram brain saying you are not good enough to answer the door, or it says to me you have nothing to talk about, also when I am out walking, which by the way is FORCED, I wear my headphones so NOBODY will speak to me, it is all so crazy. We got the neighbors mail by mistake and for 2 days I left in on the table, my husband finally took it over, I did not want to talk to them, I mean I think I have lost it. I just wonder what happened to myself.

   I am so glad more people are posting, I so need this forum, we all need to help each other, no matter what stage of recovery we are in. It helps me to read about how other people are dealing with this CRAZY transition of getting clean. I have always been honest here and I think I underestimated the power of this drug. I think because I tapered somehow I would get off easy, well maybe the first 5 days , THEN that depression and doom and gloom hit. I have been forcing myself to walk 1 mile in the AM and 1 mile in the PM, I figure maybe it will help.   Also I have a child in college and I feel like where  am I? I have gotten so darn lost this past year and I wonder if I will ever WANT to talk with people again. Also I do wonder if he see's the emotionless pit I was in and now I am everywhere, but luckily he is so wrapped up in his own busy life, maybe he does not see. Also I think the fact the trams helped me DEAL with the empty nest syndrome so to speak and now here I am sober and I SEE that I was blocking the pain of it. Now I am forced to deal with the fact that I have to make a life for myself and point blank I just don't have the motivation to feel like starting all over. Okay well here it is 14 days today and again I feel like a blob!!!! Now 2 hours from now I may be shopping, who knows with this crazy detox.

   I wish everyone reading peace, I mean I just LONG for PEACE. A calm no RLS body, no depression, no brain fog, no crazy rants, no breakdown's over the phone ringing, however I do have peace from the pills, no counting, no lies, no searching for an internet place to order, I can't believe I almost did that. Even though I feel like a big useless blob I am STILL proud of myself for getting clean and sober and hopefully one day I won't shutter at the door bell, here's hoping for a good day for all of us here, so greatful for ALL the posts.

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by Kylie4501, Jul 31, 2013
Hi everyone,

I am sooo glad I was directed to this forum. I really need support and have been reading these posts all day! Waterview- I am so glad you post so much- you are really helping me. I like to read what people are going through in a day to day basis. I am going to paste my story below, it is long but I want everyone in this forum to read it and then you will know about my history and how to help me from here....

I am new here and want to share my experience as well as getting support from all of you. I started taking Tramadol in 2010 when it was prescribed for a minor back injury. I have always liked pain pills but have never been addicted to them. Once I took the tramadol, I knew this drug was different. As many of you stated, it made me feel like superwoman. I could do anything and keep going around the clock, so obviously I became addicted. I started buying them off the internet when I stopped getting them from my doctor. I have been through the withdrawals once before and they are HORRIBLE! If I remember correctly they lasted about a week and then I started to see the light. I was clean for about 8 months and then started again for some stupid reason, you would think the first withdrawals would have stopped me but that is how powerful this drug is. My daily dosage increased over time and I was up to 15-20 50mg pills daily. I KNOW, HORRIBLE! I have a 14 month old son and I was still taking the tramadol and smoking while I was pregnant with him. ( I know it's horrible so please spare me the lectures). Thankfully my son was born healthy with no issues so far. I am currently 8 months pregnant with my baby girl now. I stopped smoking when I found out I was pregnant and knew I wanted to stop the tramadol also. This sounds weird, but when you are a smoker and taking tramadol, you get a certain high feeling whenever you smoke. So obviously when I quit smoking, I stopped getting that feeling. I am still superwoman, but without the really good highs. Like I said, I was taking 15-20 50mg pills daily and I knew I needed to stop. Not to mention buying them online was causing me financial issues because of how much they are. My husband of 5 years has no idea I am addicted to these pills and I want to keep it that way. We have been through some ups and downs and are at a good place right now, so I am not going to ruin that and make it known that I am an addict. So I have no support because NO ONE knows about this. Last week I finally built up the courage to tell my OBGYN. I am so glad I did, I was so scared to but she was AMAZING! She just kept telling me how proud she is and so forth. She knows I want to keep it a secret from my husband so hopefully I can beat this and move on with my life without him finding out. She referred me to a Pain specialist who developed a tapering schedule for me. Like I said, I was at 15 pills a day on 22 July 13. My OBGYN gave me a prescription untul I was able to see the Pain doctor and she had me start with 12 pills/day on the 25th and then subtracted 1 pill/day over the weekend. So on 30 July 13 I was at 8 pills a day. I was feeling ok because I had some Hydros left over from a while ago that I would take every so often during the weekend and obviously that made the w/d of going from 16 a day to 8 a day better. I only felt very slight fatigue and had restless legs each night. Anyway, on 30 Jul 13 I saw the Pain Doctor and he is making me taper off 1 pill a day so I will be off of them completely in a week and a half. Is this alittle fast? I have been reading so many posts that say to taper slowly and since I am pregnant I want to be extra cautious. I didn't wanted to insult his intelligence and question his plan so I didn't say anything but I just feel like this is a fast taper. I do want to get off of them as fast as I can but I just hope this isn't dangerous. So right now it is 10pm on day 1 of tapering and I took my last Hydro yesterday. I am for sure feling it today. I feel like I have 50lb weights attached all over my body, horrible fatigue, hot/cold, and BAD restless legs. So far I have been taking one Aleve a day and Hylands restful legs and my Multi-Vitamin to help. I took a hot bath tonight which seemed to help but these W/d's are so horrible. I am proud of myself to be on 8 a day though. Going from 15-20 a day to 8 in a week is pretty good. Today was rough though. Having to play with and be with my 14 month old all day was a horrible struggle. I told my husband that I am not feeling well and think I am getting the flu so at least he will know that and maybe help out a bit more. Anyway, I am going to be writing my progress each day on here in hopes of helping someone else and getting some feedback from everyone. I know the W/d's will be bad but will they get easier if I am tapering or will they stay this bad until I am completely off? Any information and suggestions would be helpful. Tomorrow starts the 7 pills a day and I have a feeling the W/d's will be just as bad and remain the same until I am completely off of these horrible pills. I have high spirits though and am excited to start a new life pill free. I feel like since I am a non-smoker now and soon to be non-pill user, that my life is only going to get better from here:) I am looking for support with someone who has actually tapered off of tramadol at this fast of a rate. I want to know how the W/d symptoms were the whole time and how long it look to feel semi normal again. Thanks!

Again, please read my story and give me whatever advice. I am going to post on here everyday also in hopes that I help someone. I am just worried about how fast I am coming off of tramadol while being pregnant. I have no choice but to taper like this because I have no way of getting more pills (which is good). ND is one of the State's that has banned internet pharmacies from giving people prescriptions. So I cannot even order online anymore, they will not ship my order to ND. Again, that is good. I am just worried about tapering 1 pill a day and want to know if anyone else has done it this fast before. Will I feel horrible every single day until I am down to zero?

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by Brainfog101, Jul 31, 2013
Kyle4501--My dosage and time on tramadol was similar to yours.I was up to 30 50mgs pills a day at one time and tapered a little then finally jumped from 6pills to zero.For me the worst of withdrawls started 1 week after cold turkey.

If I was to give you one piece of advice it is that you should tell your husband.I would like to help you but I also have to be completely honest with you.Tramadol withdrawl is one of the worst things that I have had to endure.I am 112 day off tramadol .The withdrawl is SO SO UNPREDICTABLE.You will feel like you are getting better for a few days and then the PAWS will be back again.

YOu will need to be extremely determined and dedicated to your recovery If  you are ready to do this.You need absolutely ALL THE SUPPORT YOU CAN GET especially because you are pregnant.I know telling your husband may be hard,but he may be more supportive than you think.Tell him and anyone else you can trust.You may feel a great burden lifted off your shoulders.I also wanted to keep it secret .My son is 22 and I had to tell him because he still lives with us and I also told my sister.It was a big relief when I did.My husband already knew and was very supportive.

The above is not meant to be negative I am just being honest with you.Getting off tramadol will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.You can do it .But please DON'T do it alone.

I wish you the best of luck.keep checking in her and post as much as you need to.

This is by far the best drugs forum on the net.I have checked out all of them and find this one to be the most honest and supportive site there is .I found a lot of the other ones seem to be more on the depressing side .This one has people of all walks of life and all ages who are very dedicated to getting of tramadol.

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by EmilyPost, Jul 31, 2013
Kylie getting off Tramadol that fast ...  a pill a day ... while you are pregnant sounds very very very very wrong to me.  I would call your MD and tell her and see what she says.  That's basically cold turkey.  No sugar coating it.

That's too fast.

I'm horrified that any doctor would do that to you while you are pregnant.  You do have a choice, they can write you a Rx for a slower taper.

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by Kylie4501, Jul 31, 2013
Ok, everyone, it is day 2 of my taper, I am on 7 pills today and so far it has been livable. Last night  I took 2 tramadol before bed and also found out I have leftover Ambien so I took one of those to help me sleep. I also ate a banana before bed and all of that combined seemed to help me sleep at least 6 hrs. Right when I woke up this morning I had the heavy restless legs so I took a hot bath and got ready for work. I took my first two pills at 8 am and then a third at 10am. I have been taking Hyland restful legs every four hrs. and they also help a little bit. All morning I was doing pretty good. Not really much fatigue. I took my fourth pill at 1pm and will take my 5th around 6-7 and then 2 more before bed. This seems to be the best way to divide them up per day for me. I am at home now from work and the heavy legs and fatigue are kicking in. It is really hard to walk up the stairs or do anything. Thank god Grandma took my little 14 month old to hang out for the night. Yesterday was rough to be around my hyper little guy but I honestly think he helps me. If he wasn't around, I would just sit and feel depressed. Since I really have no choice but to take care of him and play with him, he makes my mood brighter. Every time he smiles or laughs it helps my mood. I am going to just relax tonight and take a hot bath again. I need to go to the store to get more Bananas and some Immodium. I just want to say Thanks again for everyone who has already posted. This site is Amazing and I found myself looking at it all day today just to see when and who replied. I know I WILL BEAT this, it is just going to be really hard considering I have no support at home.

@Brainfog101- I know ur trying to help but I just can't tell my husband. I have been keeping this secret for over three years and I am going to beat this and move on with my life. I know a secret ike this is not a healthy marriage but he will not understand. I am sure he will forgive me and such down the road but I don't want him to think of me as an addict, I don't want anyone to know I am an addict. It is bad enough my doctor knows. I just have to do this alone. I got myself into this stupid mess and I am going to get myself out of it and I feel I deserve this pain.

@Emily- I called and left a message for my doctor so I will ask her about the taper schedule. Again, I didn't want to ask the Pain Doc and act like I was insulting his intelligence, but it didn't really seem like he understood tramadol as a drug. He also made the comment that he wants to get me off before baby is born because he wants me to suffer the w/d's and not the baby. Obviously I know if I am still taking Tramadol when she is born, she will have some w/d's, but isn't she still having them while I am having them right now? Anyway, I will let u all know what they say. I do want to get off of this asap but I am just concerned. Maybe it will be ok though. I am at 7 pills a day right now down from 15-20 in a week which I think is pretty good considering how I am feeling. I for sure feel horrible but nothing like I remember when I quit CT a few years ago. Thanks again for the advice and I will be posting everyday. I will let you guys know how I am doing before bed tonight.

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by dm3410, Jul 31, 2013
Hello everyone,  hows everyones battle with tramadol going? Today is 7 days without ingesting the rat poison. The only thing bothering me right now is that I want to do nothing but sleep. Earlier today after I woke up i took 2000 mg of tyrosine with  a b complex tab plus a b12 sub and about an hour later I fell asleep for about 5 hours even after sleeping almost 9 hours the night before. Kylie4501 congrats on the progress youve been making!!!  If you dont want to tell your husband about your tram addiction I understand. Just keep posting on this forum you WILL NOT be judged here. I have 4 kids and they were about 95% of the reason I quit trams. Kids grow up fast and I did not want them growing up while being in a tram induced fog. Its time we will never get back so cherish EVERY moment with your kids. Well im going to try to get some form of exercise today. I think im gonna walk a little and depending on how i feel during my walk im going to try to jog a little bit. Hopefully that will help with the constant drowsiness ive been feeling the last couple days. Take care everybody keep up the good fight and hopefully soon they take this socalled medication off the market like they did darvocet.

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by waterview4326, Jul 31, 2013
Just wanted to check in and say hi. Tramadol withdrawl is so crazy and today was a dark day, really dark. The negative thoughts KEEP at me, I KNOW they are NOT real but it is just so hard to deal with it. Kylie I wish you nothing but success and keep posting here, this is a NO judgement zone, we all just try and help each other the best we can. Read all the posts and you will get a TON of information here. I read all the posts from the veteran members and I tried to follow as best I could. The physical part for me is nothing compared to the mental, my dose was small compared to most 4 to 5 pills per day and I tapered down to 1/8 of a pill. Tapering really did help me, physically. Mentally after the first week well I really was a bit surprised by it.  However it can be done and you will be supported here.

  I hope tonight finds my tramadol friends well, I will be back tomorrow as today well just blah!!!!!!!!!!!  I still feel like a big blob!!!!!!!  Still pushing through, did my daily activities and survived, however just going through the motions, I KNOW to expect this, I have been given wonderful advice, Kylie I LIVE in the bath and shower, no matter how bad I feel, hot water helps so much










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by tj266, Jul 31, 2013
New here, I have been reading on and off during the day today - seems like a good place

I started with tramadol 11/12 - My relative had a pinched nerve  and was prescribed tramadol. Consequently I had a tooth issue come up and with no insurance bummed a few . All history from there. At the time my father was coming to the end of a very long fight with cancer, it seemed to help me cope. I have never taken more than 6 or 7 in a day . I have myself down to 3 x 50mg a day with relative ease but then comes the issue- and for those kicking the habit off of much more please excuse me. I ran completely out for 24 hours once, during a time when I was taking 6 or 7 a day - that night was horrible with rls and restlessness. I had to call in to work and it was not a good situation. A horrible horrible experience. The next day I got more- 2 days later my dad passed - I kept on so I wouldn't have to withdraw during that time and the time after. Now here I am - scared to death to proceed with the taper or cold turkey at this point. I am at the point I need to reorder my rx , at 3 a day I have 6 days left - do I reorder or force my self off. Or should I schedule a few days off with minimal activity to get the initial physical stuff out of the way. I have read about many things - st johns wart - 5-htp - anything to these? All I know is I would like to get this done - I just don't really know the best approach and I suppose I am afraid of the inevitable - withdraw. I have a busy busy schedule kicking up in about 3 weeks . Dont know what to do.

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by Kylie4501, Jul 31, 2013
Hey everyone! Keep posting because everyone's advice and words are helping. Like i said, i took 7 today and it was rough. I tried taking a nap which was impossible due to the RLS so i took a bath. It seemed to help some and then i forced myself to take my dogs around the house. I think today ws harder not having my 14 month son around- it was hard to get up all the time yesterday with him but my mood seemed better. Today is the first day i felt depressed. I am just scared because im only on day 2 of my taper and i have so far to go! It's really hard having no one know but there is no way i could tell them. Then i will be kabeled as an addict my whole life! I am so glad i can read these posts. I start my 6 pills tomorow and i am seeing the pain doc again for my taper refill so i will ask about this schedule. I feel like i should go at least 3 days without dropping a pill- although it will b amazing to be tramadol free bu the time my baby comes in 8 weeks. Ugh the heavy and agitategs are the worst right now!!!! Be strong!!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 01, 2013
I don't understand, i took my Ambien, tramadol and hands restful legs and the leg twitching and such is horrible. My body wants to sleep so bad but my legs wont let it! How doni help this!!? Im losing it!!!

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by Brainfog101, Aug 01, 2013
Tj266--Get off tramadol as soon as you can. This is such a dangerous drug with horrendous withdrawl. You are only 8 mths on it and your dose is low compared to some of us including me. I'm not advising you to taper or cold turkey but Please get off ASAP. Don't spend another day on this toxic drug it will just prolong the journey ahead of you

I tried many supplements and st johns worth which did not help. St johns worth made my depression worse.what did help me was l- thenine(sun thenine)I also tried other amino acids which did not help. calcium/magnesium helped also.

Kyle4501-- cutting out caffeine and sugar will help a little with sleep and restlessness.

Waterview4326-- I forgot to mention to you.It is so strange that you mention that weekends are worse. For me Sunday was noticeably the worst especially the depression and I have no idea why?

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by waterview4326, Aug 01, 2013
Weekends are always bad for me brainfog!!  I think for me at least for right now I still don't like to be around people, sad huh? On weekends my kids are here and hubby and they are supposed to be here, but I still have to force myself to be pleaseant especially in the mornings.  Kylie I believe in a taper off tramadol and I hope today your Dr. will adjust your dosage to make you more comfortable. TJ like I said I believe in a taper off tams but it is a very personal choice whether to taper or IF you can taper, I agree with BrainFog the most important thing is to get off. I read a ton on here about taper etc and my Dr. told me to decrease by 1/4 of a pill every 7 days, it takes that 7 days for your body to adjust to the smaller dose, for me it needs to be a proper taper to achieve the best results, of course that is MY experience, I am older, so I believe it was best for me. TJ and Kylie I did experience withdrawls ALL the way down in my taper, BUT I do believe it helped tremendously with the physical aspect, I tapered from 5 a day down to 1/8 of a pill,  so  I hope that helps some.

  

   I am now on day 16 and I do see some of the symptoms leaving me. Getting up in the morning was AWFUL for me, my legs were heavy for a solid 2 weeks, now I can move around with ease making beds, etc, I started noticing this about 3 days ago. What Emily and FourJays told me is so true one day you will realize the symptoms will be less and less and it is so true. Now by no means do I feel good, but I feel human and at times I go up and down my stairs with ease, other times still a chore.  I also just could not even muster up the extra energy to talk to my dog, etc, now I am picking him up and hugging him now, I simply did NOT have the energy.  So for anyone reading about letting it go, please get off this drug. Whether you choose to taper or cold turkey just don't let the fear keep you chained to the drug. I was so afraid to let it go but now I am soooo greatful I did. The mental aspect is harder than I imagined, however I know in time that will ease also. I did not believe I could do ANYTHING without my pill but I can and so can you.

   Once you get through that first week IF you can do anyform of exercise I believe it helps, now I just simply walk 1 mile a day, once in the AM and once in the Pm, now I still don't feel like running which I did before tramadol BUT on tramadol I did NOTHING, so a bit of progress for me. Okay well just wanted to encourage the members here who desire to get off this drug. I am simply AMAZED HOW this drug changed my brain chemistry, AMAZED how I have to fight to be cordial to my family, last night my vacuum kept coming unplugged and I just LOST it, screaming over the vacuum, my husband just looked at me, simple chores are so challenging for me, however I do get things done now without the heavy leg feeling

    Okay everyone have a good day and continue to post, Kylie really thinking of you and I hope you can get a more comfortable taper, however you can do this.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 01, 2013
Hello,

It is day 3 of my taper today...6 pills today..Yikes:( Last night was the worst night of my life, but I am sure I will be saying hat a lot. I had heavy legs and fatigue all night and before I went to bed I took my last Tramadol and an Ambien because the Ambien seemed to help the night before. I think the Ambien was a BIG mistake!!! ALL NIGHT my legs were on fire/heavy/twitching, etc. I took two baths and finally ended up falling asleep around 4am. I wok up this morning at 7:30 and seemed to feel ok. I took my first 2 Tramadol for the day and headed out to my Dr. Appt. I actually had to meet with my Pain Specialists PA because he was out but I addressed my concerns with her about tapering fast and she said that he is a board certified pain specialist and he knows what he is doing...that is all:( I even told her about this forum and how people were concerned with me and she didn't budge, she just said to keep going and gave me the new tapering script. Like I said before, I don't want to make excuses to prolong this but I am just scared. Last night was bad and I pray I can handle it. I don't really have a choice as I have NO WAY of getting anymore tramadol. I know that my little baby boy will help me through this. I also started taking a B12 and B6 Vitamin along with my Prenatal so we will see if that helps at all. I do agree with everyone about the exercise. It did seem to take my mind off of this for at least the duration of my walk last night. I love being outside so I am going to hold onto that. Tonight I am going over to visit my Parents so at least they will help with taking care of and playing with my son. My husband is a great Dad but he has been really sluggish this week too so he really hasn't been much help:( I think it helps if I try to stay busy and do things even though it is very hard to do with the heavy legs and arms. If I just sit and lay around then all I think about is the symptoms.
Brainfog- I only have 1 can od soda per day but I will try to cut out any sugar to see if that may help, thanks for the advice. Waterview- reading your posts has really helped me, keep them coming. I just feel like this taper is going to be so long and wish I could do it CT, but I won't dare since I am 8 months pregnant. Yesterday was the first time I got really emotional and sort of depressed also. Pregnancy doesn't help with the emotions either. Oh and I almost forgot, I usually get up to use the bathroom very frequently at night since I am pregnant (super annoying), but since my tape started it has gotten 10 times worse!!!! It doesn't matter if I drink a lot of water during the day and before bed or not much, I go to the bathroom usually twice in a half hour period until I fall asleep, yes it is that bad! Anyway, I took today off of work and just ate lunch, I feel pretty decent so far. I am going t go run some errand while I am feeling semi normal. I hope tonight is not as bad as last. This weekend I have a mandatory class that I have to attend for work, so getting no sleep will be pure hell. Thanks again for the advice people, you are truly helping me and I look forward to reading these posts everyday. One question, when I go to my profile, I click on "posts" to get to whatever post I want to type, but I can't seem to get to this journal post entry without having to go into a post first and then click on the link that someone gave me. I even clicked "Watching" and when I go to my watching on my profile this thread is not there. Any tips?

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by JessGehl, Aug 01, 2013
Day 59.....I feel my brain healing. fog is lifting..emotions slightly coming back. but still have bad times and i still feel i am not better. Confusion is the weirdest thing....i can feel it in my brain if that makes sense. so idk...trying to stay strong but mannn i am sick of this ****.

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 01, 2013
Day two for me. I was doing allot better but then relapsed because of the pain. I am feeling the withdralws from this dark nasty pill. I love to see everyone posting on here. It's something that can be done with a little bit of help from people, even if we are all strangers. I started taking Tramadol off and on since 2011 when I fractured a vertabrate and had a herniated disk in my back. The pain ended up getting so bad that I continued taking these. I lied to my wife about them. I ended up taking some from a loved one and lying about that. I can't stand what I have done. My wife says I can't love her anymore because I did this. I do love her with all of my heart. I want to make my marriage work. It's hard and takes time. I don't want to lose my wife, I understand what I have done is not right. She is my everything and my best friend. My life without her would be nothing. So far she has not left me and I hope I can repair my marriage and make our lives together the best they can be. I am doing this for my marriage and me. I don't like what these pills did to me. It's hard not to take them because of the pain and OTC stuff does not work. I am going to a pain management clinic next Friday and then will be taking group sessions. I will do whatever I can do to make my marriage work and to get off of this drug. I called and discontinued my prescription at the pharmacy today. So thats a step, I think? I know we can all do this. And I love that there is a site like this that people can help eachother with. God bless.

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by JessGehl, Aug 01, 2013
Hey Helpmymarriage

don't worry! you can get off of them. I know the pain is bad. I was taking them for chronic Knee pain after a snowmobile accident many years back. And yes it hurt my marriage as well. I would make my husband get up in the middle of the night and go get my prescription because i was having withdrawals, and that was a half an hr drive there and back. he resented me for taking the pills....they changed me. Made me into something i'm not. He always would tell me hey these are addictive you should stop taking them and guess what.........i ignored him and i got addicted. And all he could say was I told you so. and rightfully so. I am in the PAWS phase now and that is also hurting my marriage...because i am so depressed and my husband just doesn't understand. But I know it will all pass and i will have my life back just as you will. So good job on canceling your script and deciding to get off this demon drug. The fact that you are trying to do everything you can to make your marriage work shows that you love her. and hopefully she sees that. I'm sorry your marriage is hurting :( I hope everything goes well and that you stay strong. Keep posting if you can.

Hugs

Jess

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 01, 2013
Thanks Jessgehl,

I am sorry that you went through and are going through due to this dark drug. It is something I do not wish upon anyone. The pain is something I will deal with if I can make my marriage work. I do truly love my wife she is so much more than I could have ever dreamed of. It kills me inside and breaks my heart to know what I did to us. The addiction thing is so bull crap. I wish that they would educate people about these drugs when they give them to you. I knew it was a potential thing that could happen but never thought it would be me. I hate it. I can't wait to be good clean and sober and to be the best husband I can be for my wife. She deserves so much more. Thank you for posting - replying to my post. It's good to see that there are other's that are dealing with this and that somehow we can help eachother through this.

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by FourJays, Aug 01, 2013
Hi helpmymarraige,

Congrats on canceling your script; that is HUGE and took a lot of willpower!  It is clear that you are committed to getting off of these devil pills and reclaiming your life.  I just typed a response on your forum thread as well, so I wont duplicate things here.  But I do want to tell you about something I did that you may find helpful in your situation.  My Tramadol habit was extreme (over 10 years of use at massive doses - all started with a legit script for back pain).  Over the years as my habit grew, my husband had no idea of just how heavily addicted I was.  I have had tons of back and neck issues over the years and have been on multiple opiates and pills off and on.  For this reason, he (and my kids), were used to seeing pills around, but they had NO idea whatsoever about the amounts of pills I was taking and that I was completely dependent.  On day 2 of my detox, I spilled everything to my husband; told him all the ugly details.  He was hurt and upset for sure, but I think it actually 'explained' a lot of things to him.  Anyway, about a day later I went through these journals, along with some general information on Tramadol and how addicting it is, etc., and I printed it out.  I gave it to him to read, and then just left him alone with it.  About a day later he came to me and more or less just broke down himself.  He had no idea of how "evil" Tramadol is and/or about how hard it is to get off of it.  Everything changed that day.  It took awhile for it all to 'sink in'; but I know it helped him to understand much more about what I was dealing with.  This was not just a matter of "quitting" and being done with it.  He has never had an addiction of any kind, so I know he will never truly understand as a fellow addict would, but this was truly a game changer.  A few days later we gave the papers to my daughters (20 & 23) to read as well.  It was the best thing I ever did.  There is just no way a spouse or kids, siblings, etc., can/will ever understand what we go through with addiction (if they have never had one).  But if they are open to learning about it at least they can understand the 'science' of it and see that this is certainly not something we "chose".  In any case, congrats on your decision to get this EVIL poison out of your life.  Do it now.  I lost over 10 years of my life; many friends, my career, my daughter's 'formative' years, thousands of dollars and my self respect, all while numbed out on this drug.  At 8 months clean I still consider myself a work in progress, and am working as well on the guilt and regret issues.  But my family is still intact and stronger than ever, thank God.  If I can do this, coming off the massive habit I had, YOU can.  This site, both the forums and these journals were and still are literally a life saver for me.  There are so many wonderful people, NO judgment and always someone to listen and offer support and encouragement.  Stay close and be strong.....you can do this!

Julie

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 01, 2013
Julie,

That is great advice. My wife is a googler so she has read up on Tramadol and the addiction from it allot. But as she is not in the addiction she doesn't quite understand. I wish that she would understand how hard it is to get off of this stuff and how it grabs a hold of a person and doesn't want to let go. I am so glad that you have made it as far as you have and I to know that you are free of that. I give you so much credit.

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by FourJays, Aug 01, 2013
helpmymarriage,

YOU can be free of it too!  And I was thinking; if you can, suggest she do some reading here in the journals, about all the REAL people and how much they have struggled with this poison.  It makes it all more personal, ya know?  Good luck to you - sending blessings and good vibes your way :))


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by helpmymarriage, Aug 01, 2013
Thank you very much Fourjays. I will have to have her do that.

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by JessGehl, Aug 02, 2013
So here is a good example of my husband not understanding. Today we are going to help our friends move (cause i totally have energy for that) he woke me up at 8am and and expects me to be in the car for 9 hrs and get home around 1 in the morning.....ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? I am not ready for something as big as this....I am exhausted....and crabby...and all he keeps saying is ohh don't worry you will have fun...........HOW THE HELL am I supposed to have fun when I am numb confused and depressed....he won't listen......it's making me stressed idk what to do...but sit in the car and try and endure this. Im very much take it easy on myself right now because what else can I do and now he just throws this at me and expects me to go.....actually I have no choice he is making me go. When he tried waking me up this morning I said im not going and he was like yes you are you will have fun get up. and pulled the covers off me. SOMEBODY please helpp....i need encouragement and happy words and hope that I will get better..I am very lost today. :(

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 02, 2013
Jessgehl,
I know every day is a challenge, believe me I know. You are a very strong person otherwise you wouldn't be choosing to get off of these and better your lives. It's a hard thing to do but just taking that step shows how strong you are. You will make it through today just like you will every other day. We are here for you...as we are here for everyone to give the support they need. You can do this. Even when it seems so hard.

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by FourJays, Aug 02, 2013
Hey Jess,

I agree with helpymarriage totally!  I mean, YOU quit Tramadol and have been clean for 60 days!  That right there is a HUGE accomplishment.  You are WAY stronger than you realize. Can you take a book or some magazines to read and/or just look at with you to help pass the time?  Or, even better, what about some music?  I have become really 'good' at tuning out what is going on around me if I really need to - gotta LOVE my I-pod . . . LOL.  Seriously, you will get through it.  Quitting Tramadol has honestly been one of the hardest things I have ever done in my life.  But it has been one of the most rewarding as well.  Challenges such as today, i.e., the long, boring trip and having to do physical work with helping people move (yuck), ARE hard, I SO know.  But you will get through it and should feel dam proud of yourself for doing so.  Of course I would expect my husband to treat my like a queen during the trip and even take me to a nice dinner (or something special) ....haha!  Good luck today, and remember, we are ALWAYS here for you :))

Julie

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by KC67, Aug 02, 2013
Jess, Day 60 for me today.  I know EXACTLY what you are talking about as the past few days have been awful - been too sad - or angry  or anxious - or tired to post.  Just lurking.  Hoping for ....hope.

Something made me go back and re-read Emily's journal.  I found this on her "Day 62":

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"Ok so here's what happens that I attribute to the way Tramadol has re-wired and re-fired my brains. Physical pain onset. Instead of thinking; Oh I should grab an ice pack and some OTC pain killer I go to ... panic. 0-to anxiety attack in 60 seconds.

This morning I woke up and thought, "Oh my Gawd I am in so much pain I wish I were dead."  This thought scared me because it's that same ole suicidal ideation back again and it's been here a couple of days mainly in the morning. I simply cannot fall asleep early enough and I can't lay in bed half asleep, half awake because my brain and the bad drug thoughts come back and shell me. Badly. "

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Yes.  Exactly what I am feeling TODAY, and YESTERDAY, and it seems like forever.  But, thank you Emily for hope.

To all new, old, and lurkers (like me - :-) ) - Its going to be okay.  Each day is one day closer to the real me.  And the real you.  We can do this.

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by FourJays, Aug 02, 2013
KC67 -

I think that was the absolute most perfect and thoughtful thing to do posting that quote from the journal.  I honestly DO completely understand how you guys are feeling right now and it just *****.  I still have days and little "tram flashbacks" (just enough to remind me why I will NEVER touch that crap again).  

But please, know it does get better.  It WILL get better.  When the dark days and thoughts come and try to take over, just remember where you started out and how far you have come; even for those that are just in the early days.  It IS going to be okay.  Even the worst days now are better than any day a slave to that poison crap.  We are all going to be OK; I know for me, I have to refuse to think otherwise.

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by waterview4326, Aug 02, 2013
Hello my tramadol friends!!!!


   Just wanted to say hello have had a hard time getting to my computer without my family around. I also wanted to thank Four Jays and many veteran members who come here and remind myself that it takes time for our brains to heal. I guess I just EXPECT to feel good and some moments I do but I also do still struggle. It is day 17 for me and just want to encourage anyone thinking of taking the step PLEASE do not let fear stand in your way. I left tramadol and I am so greatful I did. I may not feel great but at 17 days I feel human LOL!!!!!!  One thing I do notice is my memory is SOOOO much better and my eyes no longer have that glaze over them. I will say that the past year our family has been through so much and the tram numbed me to it so I have to find my way through the feelings, I still kind of feel robotic at times, like I can't quite grasp it all. I know my brain is healing and in time I will be able to process it, I think I expect to much of myself.

   At 17 days I am now able to work in the yard, exercise, cook, run errands, take care of my kids, with a sense of ease now, the first week was brutal, followed by a lot of mental stuff after that, now I can kind of work through the mental and adjust my emotions so to speak, several things have gone wrong with our household since I quit and I had to cope without pills. That alone I feel is an accomplishment. So I just wanted to offer hope to anyone reading that this can be done, it is not easy, but it is doable. I hope this finds my friends here a peaceful week=end and I will check in later this week-end.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 02, 2013
I am feeling horrible today!! The moodiness and emotions are so overwhelming! I feel like i can't do this! I am only on my tapering, i have not even quit yet and i feel this horrible. I am thinking about going CT what do u guys think? I need this to end sooner!!

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by FourJays, Aug 02, 2013
Hey everyone,
,
I was just reading what you said today Waterview.. Your post really got me thinking.  Instead of concentrating on how I think I SHOULD feel at this point; like have more energy (I battle with this; still not back to where [I feel] it should be), I need to concentrate more on how far I have come and the little things in life that are doable again; things I'm already taking for granted, like, as you say, "working in the yard, exercising, cooking, running errands and taking care of kids".. Um, actually I still don't do All those things; at least not in the same DAY!....LOL, I am in awe of you girl :)    

But seriously, even the everyday, simple things in life like cooking for example.  I feel like I can smell it more, I can taste it more and I even 'care' about it; like I take pride in it, not just 'go through the motions' in that numbed robotic state (pretty much always with lurking thoughts of - when could I take my next dose of tramadol?  Did I need to order soon or was a refill due?  Or, the ALL important and earth shattering, mood dependent question - did I have enough pills for the rest of the day, the week, etc.).  

I'm still working on sorting out feelings (including a lot of guilt and regret).  But at least I CAN feel again. The "clarity" that I began to see and feel back at day 1 is getting better all the time.  I don't know; does everyone feel that?  Or was I THAT numbed/zoned out (which I wouldn't doubt based on my ridiculously long and huge habit).  Geez, and to think I was driving around, taking care of kids, making decisions . . . ugh!!!

I just feel like wherever you are in this process - a day clean of the pills or a thousand days; the benefits are immediate; and they just keep piling up.  Thanks for reminding me; I needed it today :))

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by FourJays, Aug 02, 2013
Kylie,

I am sorry you are feeling so bad.  Can you call your doctor and ask about this?  If not for the pregnancy I would think it to be fine, but know nothing about what kind of affect it could have on the baby.  Hopefully someone with more experience can offer you some suggestions.  You could post this question on the forum for even more exposure (if you haven't already). Hang in there; you will get through this.

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by brooklinefred, Aug 02, 2013
Kylie4501....what are the alternatives ?  There are no alternatives. I am completely sympathetic to your situation.  Every individual tram withdrawal hell is different. Body chemistry, ect ect. I shoveled over 200 trams down my throat a week for close to three years. No pain I just liked the buzz. When my mind's elevator finally hit the basement, all I had left was what I came into this world with....Nothing. I figured that was my proverbial North Star. Week 1 of tram withdrawal was one of excruciating pain as my earlier posts illustrate. I am in my second month of rediscovery. What are the alternatives ?   There are no alternatives. This was mine and now this is your own personal journey or redemption. Tram withdrawal does not end at a finish line like a foot race. It is like an odyssey trying to remember how life was before trams discombobulated your life.

Kylie4501...I really do feel your pain. Take some time and read these posts . Some are heartbreaking and all are inspiring. Allow them to give you the inner courage and fortitude to accomplish this.
But what are the alternatives ?  There are no alternatives. Put the trams down and embark on your Day One.
See you on the other side my friend.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 02, 2013
FourJays, thanks for your reply and your post, it helped me. My doctor said that he wanted me to taper so fast because the baby was still in me and basically only I would suffer. I find it hard to believe though that my baby isn't feeling any kind of w/d... She was obviously getting the pills through me so why wouldn't she be feeling discomfort. But the pain doctor was sure of this. Anyone have any thoughts on this? Since i am down to 6 pills a day from 15-20 u think the seizure risk would be diminished...i was feeling so horrible today but just realizing that i am down to 6 pills is a huge step. What do you guys do when the restless/heavy legs are bad? Nothing is really working for me so i just wonder what i could do to help me mentally get through the feelings? I can't take any sort of sleep aid as it makes the legs worse. This is probably the worst w/d symptom for me. Also today was the first day i got so emotional and upset that i felt like i couldn't breathe!! I got home from work and my husband was on his phone playing games as usual while i did everything. I wanted to go out to eat so bad and he was taking his time so i just ended up eating cereal while our son took a nap... I don't know why that upset me so bad but it dud. Today i realized how bad the mood swings are when you are trying to get off- but then again i was having a lot of moodiness when i was taking the pills. Well time to try and get some sleep... Goodnite everyone!

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by Jbean77, Aug 02, 2013
Hey everyone... been busy around here, which is great because thats just more people wanting to get tramadol out of their life! You can do it! It definitely seems impossible sometimes but you are strong and you can be free of this drug!

I wasn't on as high of a dose as some but I did taper which was pretty rough, however I definitely believe that the small taper I was able to do made SO much better when I did just stop.

I really have pushed myself to exercise from day 1... like the day I stopped. Day 2 I didn't, and that was the day I felt the worst but after that, I have been at it. I have always exercised, even on tramadol but after I stopped I just kept going with it and I really believe that it really helped stabilized my mood, anxiety, ect. I had read tons of stories of how everyone felt at each day, and thats what I expected but my story has been different. So don't get scared by where others are in their recovery at a certain day... try to push yourself to make yourself complete one more task, have more energy, just feel a little better than the day before.



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by helpmymarriage, Aug 03, 2013
So, after not much sleep again it's now 7am. Today my wife and a friend are running a 5k. Gotta get up put a smile on and hope like heck I make it through this!!

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by waterview4326, Aug 03, 2013
Good Morning

   Kylie I tapered and I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. As I got LOWER in my taper I actually felt worse than when I made my final jump. Now it's up to each person and you being pregnant I would follow your Dr,'s advice. All I am saying is when I got from like 2 pills and then dropped a 1/.4 dose each week, I FELT it. I had mood swings, aggigation, RLS, girl you name it I had it. Now for me I needed to taper, I admire the CT people, I WANTED a softer way. The reason I am saying this to you is because you WILL feel the withdrawls as you taper down. I think it is just a softer way to get free of this drug, just MY opinion. What helped my RLS is the heating pads, I wrapped them around my legs and showers helped me more than baths did, I think the pulsation of the shower, of course some days I was to tired to stand long in the shower so I sat in it LOL!!!!!!!

   Four jays I so know what you mean about the robotic cooking etc. I still feel kind of zombie like at times but on Trams it was ALWAYS WHEN it is time for my next pill, I could be in the middle of baking a cake and the pharmacy would call and BOOM I was OUT the door to get my pills, it was my first priority over EVERYTHING, I remember that day and I left the cake in the oven ON, my house could have burnt down, thought of NOTHING but my pills.   Today the pride is coming back this morning I actually changed out my bedspread, pillows etc. I mean I felt like sprucing up. Also last night I trimmed my flowers, pulled my weeds and watered my grass and I had this PRIDE in myself, I did it with NATURAL energy and on Tram I did NONE of that, in the end of my addiction I look back I sat and stared ALL the time. So it is slowly coming back.

   JJ I agree about the exercise COMPLETELY. If anyone is interested I do this WALKING video online it is a mile walk with small leg and arms things in it, very easy but if you do iot twice a day you walk 2 miles in airconditioning LOL!!!!!  It is just a start for me been doing it 1 week then Monday I will encorporate a bit more, I used to be in great shape, tram changed that.

   One thing I have noticed in  myself is my affection, genuine affection, like WANTING to hug even my family is still not there. I feel very guarded and don't know why, tram made me unemotional, so maybe it is a time thing, anyone else have this? I FORCE myself to hug but I don't want to, feel like I am kind of trapped in a bubble, I do want to be affectionate, I used to be. My family has endured a terrible year, my huband has been very sick and well I think I just feel guarded, like if I open up I can[t be in control, I have a hard time explaining this.

   Brooklinfred always love to read your posts you remind me of my husband direct and to the point. I am anything but that I go in circles to make a point. Okay so here is to day 18, I have done my walking, heading to the shower, and hopefully will continue to feel good today. The pride I feel in being 18 days sober is simply the best, I could have NEVER done it without this forum, being able to come here post and read gets me through each day. No matter how to choose to be free of tramadol is simply a blessing. The insanity of getting the drugs is over, for me it FREE"S up a lot of my day, it consumed me, the counting etc. I mean I feel so free. Now for any one reading KNOW that I don't feel 100 percent at all, but I feel pretty good, I am healing, have a good day everyone

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by KC67, Aug 03, 2013
Dear Waterview - you are such a blessing.  Thank you for your honesty and you have an ability to communicate with your writing.  Yes, you are so right about feeling trapped in a bubble.  I kind of feel like I am waking up from a long, dark, state of numbness.

When I first took Tramadol, I felt (as so many have stated) like Superwoman.  They give you all this “energy” and they make you more social.  But slowly they take away your love for beauty and nature, music, food, people, family, and emotions.  

And then they turn on you.  And when they do, you find you are addicted.  And it absolutely rocked my world to call myself an "addict".  You can call me any name, but omg - don't call me an addict!  LOL.

It is so disturbing because if you read this journal, you will see over and over how this pill just turns you into a shell of a human being.  Evil.  Pure evil.  It took me many years to realize this.  There is NO good that comes from taking Tramadol. NONE.

Today is another tough day for me.  Anxiety is hitting me hard today.  But I know tomorrow could be completely different.  And I cling to that hope.  

Here's to hoping all of you are having better days.



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by tj266, Aug 03, 2013
Well, my last post found me trying to decide what to do to get off of these stupid things. Shortly after my post I became ill with food poisoning and have spent the past few days recovering - what a nightmare. I have decided that I am going to taper myself down 7 day week by 7 day week - 25 mgs a week. Starting today with 200 mg. I ordered my refill and will pick it up Monday , that will be enough for my taper. And I will not spend another dime on this crap - ever. I am going to plan and prepare this week for the upcoming journey - I chose the taper route because I cannot shut down my life for 7 days or more to go cold turkey - single parent and multiple jobs and school.I am going to have to do this and still function daily. I hope I can. I am going to increase my exercise daily and my fluid intake and beat this crap . I am not going to deal with it anymore. I am so over this. So , there it is , I make my first drop to 175 mgs a day come next Sat. And that is just that. It seems like such a slow process and I just want it over but it took some time for me to get this way so I suppose it might take some time to get free.

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by tj266, Aug 03, 2013
Thank you waterview - yes please stay on here cause I am going to have questions/comments im sure - yes, when I pick up my rx I am going to count everything out and get rid of the rest - To be honest with you I would rather have it over quicker but I really need to taper because of my responsibilities and I think I will be more successful that way as well.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 03, 2013
Hi everyone-
I am so ashamed because i folded yesterday! I was on 6 pills a day and this weekend i had to attend a class for work. Fri night i was doing ok but didn't fall asleep until 4am!!! I had to be in class at 8am and i was dying by lunch!! My legs and anxiety were going to drive me over the edge so at lunch i took 4 at once to be able to function in this class and i am so ashamed! I completely ruined my progress and now have to start again!! It is so hard because i have such a busy schedule. Now i have to tell my doctor on monday and they will not be happy. Next weekend i have to attend a wedding so i am nervous for that too. I wish i could just tell my husband i have to go out of town, but book a hotel for a week and do this alone with no stress or events to attend. Ugh!!! The class is again tomorrow so i am going to take 8 pills the whole day and start again Monday with 4 pills a day!! I need some encouragement since i cheated:( i just got some Magnesium today - does that really help? Also what does Imodium help with besides diarrhea? I will be sleeping good tonight since i have no w/d's....

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 04, 2013
So, yesterday I had to get up at 7. Instead of like I normally would do ( take a couple pills) I of course did not. I went to cheer my wife and a friend on as they ran a 5k. Talk about miserable!! I wondered many times why I was doing this though I know the answer. After that we came home to do some other things. Last night we went to dinner. After that my wife wanted to go dancing with some friends at a bar that had a live band, so we did. Once again even more miserable. We got home at 1, then went to bed. Toss and turn, hot and cold. What a joyous night.....not!! I don't know if I should of went cold turkey but I can't go back now. I wish they would have to educate people a little bit more when they give these pills. I hope I can keep this up and stay away from them. Yesterday was bad but I put a smile on my face and made the best of it. I don't want to let my wife down anymore.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 04, 2013
Thanks Waterview....Here is what my thought is today. Since my Pain doctor wanted me to taper down 1 pill a day, which is essential CT because of how fast the taper is, I wonder if CT would be okay then. My OB thought tapering down 1 pill a day was safe for the baby and te Pain doc doesn't think that the baby suffers that much while still inside me....any suggestions. I will ask tomorrow at my appt. I am nervous to tell the Pain doc I cheated this weekend. I don't want him to think of me as a failure or that I am not taking this seriously because I am, it was so hard though on Saturday that I had to break down if I didn't want people to know that something was up with me. I have realized though today that my schedule is going to be full of things I HAVE to function for and I need to just push through them with every ounce of strength I have. I can't make anymore excuses, I want to be done of this evil pill before my baby is born. I am so determined but once the withdrawals start it is so hard to think clearly. These forums help so much and I thank each and every one of you for helping me. This is truly a great site with great people willing to help anyone. You should all be proud of yourselves for taking the time to message others, especially when you have been clean and still come back to the site. That is my goal. To stay on this site for a long time to remind myself how horrible this pill is. Thanks guys and goodnite!!

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by KC67, Aug 05, 2013
helpmymarriage - I am amazed you made it through such a evening packed with so many events, sounds, people.  Seriously.   Congrats on not caving in to the evil Tram.

I used to be able to do evenings like that but ONLY if I had my 7-8 tram pills first.  Those types of evenings are still tough for me.  From what I have read…and I have pretty much read this entire journal, most people feel close to 100% recoverd in about 120 days or less.  Many people in WAY less time than 120 days.  But there are also many that take a bit longer.  

So, when I become Mrs. Jekyll (or is it Hyde?), I remind my husband that I am still not feeling where I should - and I am assuming my brain is re-wiring - which makes me this monster.  Please give me until 120 days.  It may take longer for me than 120 days (and it probably will), but I figure I should be feeling much better by then.  And my husband needs a goal to focus on.  He doesn't understand what I am going through and he even wants me to get back on the pills.  

I love what you said Fourjays and Waterview (above), " Instead of concentrating on how I think I SHOULD feel at this point; like have more energy (I battle with this; still not back to where [I feel] it should be), I need to concentrate more on how far I have come and the little things in life that are doable again; things I'm already taking for granted"

Yes.  Well said.  

I am not feeling the way I want to feel, and I am not where I want to be, but  I have come a long way.  And I will NEVER take another Tram again.

And that's good.



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by helpmymarriage, Aug 05, 2013
Kc, I normally would of taken a few of them to help me get through the day/night. It was super miserable and I still am.  It's not something that I want to go back to. I know what they did and even though they took my pain away I can't rely on them anymore. If I do it'd ruin my marriage and I can't have that. It's hard when people don't know what were going through. It's hard for them when they don't realize it. All the pain and struggles that we have to deal with. Sometimes I wish people would realize it although, I don't wish this on anyone.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 05, 2013
Waterview,

Thanks for all your nice words and support. So here is how my day went. I am currently still at 8 pills a day which is manageable even though I barely sleep at night. I met my OB this morning and told her that I cheated this weekend. She is Amazing and didn't lecture me at all, she just listened. She admitted to me that she didn't know much about Tramadol and is learning as I tell her things. I told her to come and check out this site to see how awful it is. She asks me about the withdrawals and seems like she wants to help me. I told her my concern about dropping 1 pill a day and that is why I cheated on Saturday because I couldn't handle it, 1 pill a day is too fast of a drop. She actually said she agreed and thought it was fast too. So then I met with the Pain Doc in the afternoon and I am still in shock over that appointment. I told him and his PA that I cheated and so forth. I told him that it is just not possible for me to taper that fast and I asked him to maybe plan something slower. He looked at me and said NO. He is not and will not adjust my taper schedule. I said "really?". I even asked him if he has ever dealt with a Tramadol taper before and he said no, but he said this is the way his office and co-workers do it for all opiate/pain pill addictions. So he gave me my last script for 6 pills and let me be on my way. I immediately started crying once I got in my car. I can't believe he isn't going to help me. I am doing this (seeing all these doctors) for my baby and to realize I will have to go CT now is really upsetting. Like I said before, I found some old pills so when I got home I added them up. Waterview I did get a pill box and I know it will help. So I put all my remaining pills in the box. Tomorrow I am going to take 8 and then I have no choice but to drop to a pill a day until I am out. So by next week I will be going CT and I am really nervous!! I am not nervous for me because I did this to myself, I just pray that my baby stays ok and isn't put in too much pain. I am not sure what else to do. I have to go out of town this weekend for a wedding and I am not looking forward to it. It is going to be very hard to pretend to be happy and energized. I still can't believe the pain doc, that he would say this to an 8 month pregnant woman and send me on my way to figure it out alone. So after I saw him, I called and left a message for my OB. I told the nurse to tell her what happened and I am waiting on my OB to call me back. I will let you guys all know as soon as I hear something. Any advice Waterview on what you would do right now if you were me? I would love it if I could order more pills and do my own slower taper schedule but I can't. The state of ND does not allow the online websites to mail the pills to any ND address, I have tried. I am hoping my OB will say she will do a taper schedule and prescribe me the pills but I highly doubt it. What can I do? I have no way of getting anymore pills so I have no choice but to go CT:(

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by Farmgal40, Aug 05, 2013
I am brand new to this site TODAY. Day 2 of not taking tramadol. Have been reading everyone's posts for hours - I also have the issue that NO ONE knows - my husband (and all friends, family, colleagues etc) are completely clueless I take anything. They apparently think I am a natural social, engergetic, over achiever. I have a successful career, and I'm afraid everything good that I am, is only because of this stupid little while pill and once it's gone, my life will be changed forever. I have not had the "pain" type symptoms (I consider myself pyscholigically dependent, more than having a physical need for it) but I've had bouts of ridiculous uncontrollable crying, and last night (which was a cool night) woke up drenched in sweat. Trying to get myself together just to go to the grocery store now, without the crying! It's an awful feeling of depression. And I went from counting the days of when I could get my next prescription, to the last two days - watching the clock, added one hour, by another hour, of successfully having refused to take a pill (I have two pills left, and I refuse to take them, but I'm also too scared still to flush them.)

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by tj266, Aug 05, 2013
Well, I am settling in on my 200 mg a day dose for this week - So far so good, Ive been drinking a lot of water and exercising a good bit- feeling ok - I am curious as to what will happen when I drop 25 mg at the end of the week. I wonder how bad the change will be. Congrats to everyone for all of your progress. Keep it up and next thing you know it'll be 2 years from now and tramadol will be history. CYA!

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by JessGehl, Aug 05, 2013
Day 63? i think.....I have decided that i am not going to post again until i am 100% better. and then i will be able to think clearly and help anybody who needs encouragement. Cause then i will be able to feel like i can give that besides me needing it too. So Goodbye until I am back to myself!

GOOD LUCK EVERYONE!! and stay strong.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 05, 2013
Ok, so my OB's nurse called me back today and said my OB can't (isn't) going to change the taper schedule either!!!! OMG...what is wrong with these people. I realize they don't want to change taper schedules because there are the people out there who abuse the system, but come on, I'm almost 9 months pregnant and they should be concerned about the baby! I am very disappointed in my OB since she has always seemed willing to help through this. I have a feeling the pain doc talked to her and told her not to do anything because my OB has no clue how bad tramadol is, she even told me that today. I called back after I heard the voicemail from the nurse and I left a message for them. I said that I got the voicemail and I respect their decision, but I thought they were making a mistake. I asked my Doc if she could take a few minutes of her time when she gets home tonight and Google tramadol tapering and she will learn how dangerous and bad this pill is. I asked if she could please do that and then I said I don't have an appointment with her until Aug 9th so I hope the baby is ok until then. I am just so disappointed and stressed over this. I feel like they are abandoning me and leaving me hanging. I can see if it was just me, but it is my OB's responsibility to care for my unborn baby. Today my OB did ask me if I wanted to go on an anti depressant until my w/d's let up. I told her probably not because an AD is already in tramadol and what would be the point. But I guess I don't really know much about antidepressants so can anyone give me some advice on that. Should I go on one until the w/d's settle down just to keep my emotions and depression in check? It seems crazy though to me that she will prescribe me an AD but not prescribe me tramadol to taper. I don't get it!!! What should I do???

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by Kylie4501, Aug 05, 2013
Farmgal40,

Welcome!!! I am also new to this site and currently tapering off of tramadol but next week I will run out of pills and be CT. I am also 8 months pregnant and very scared. I just wanted to welcome you and let you know how incredible this site is. I cannot believe the support from everyone, it just amazes me. I KNOW I will beat this just because of all the people who care about me and giving me advice. We care about you too...congrats on Day 2 and you are very lucky for not feeling too much physical pain. The tingling/restless legs are the worst for me. Keep posting here and we can help each other out!!

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by Farmgal40, Aug 05, 2013
To Kylie4501:
"its great to be here" I guess! not that I want any of us to have this problem...but this site is a SANCTUARY I have found. Because I am doing this "alone"  (NO one in my life knows I take pills) this has been the place that is helping to keep me strong. Its awesome to see people a little further than me, like day 6 - and guess what, they ain't dead! so I guess I won't be either :-)  and then how people who have been clean for months come in, just to help and encourage others, its awesome. I give you so much credit for doing this, taking the step, and don't be scared for next week. I was about to run out, and decided w/ 2 pills still in the bottle, that was IT, I could not live like this. There is so much good info and support on here...everyone will be here for you next week when you need it!

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by Farmgal40, Aug 05, 2013
Kylie4501:
I have to back up....sorry I just read your whole post now, about your OB and your baby....I really do feel for you. Part of me wants to say that the doctors should know what they are doing...but lets face it, it's doctors that got alot of us into these mess in the first place. It sounds like you still have a good working relationship though with both of yours. Its something that if you have not been through, they can't imagine what it's like. I am not sure about the anti-depressant offer they made you - hopefully someone else will post with some insight on that. I have never been on them; my issues have been more anxiety, than depression. I don't have any children, but I have to think that soon, your beautiful baby will be here! and that alone may help to really get you through this; you'll be busy with bottles and diapers and this new joy in your life; (and honestly if after you feel like you want to be on anti-depressants, that's actually pretty normal for new mothers) I've also read a lot of great info today about supplements to help you through the WD so maybe you could check w/ your OB to see if any would be safe for you?

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by Kylie4501, Aug 05, 2013
Farmgal40,

Thanks for the advice! I am just saddened that my OB especially is just leaving me to hang. I will have to research the AD or hopefully someone will give me some advice because I have never been on them either. You said you are alone in this and I am too!! My husband, family, friends, etc. have no clue I am an addict. My OB thought I should tell my husband but I don't think it is a good idea. I know how he will react and I don't want him to look at me as an addict. We have already had too many ups and downs in our marriage and I am not going to add another. I have been on tramadol for almost 3 years, so if I can keep this a secret for 3 years, then I can get off this horrible drug and be drug free without anyone knowing! I just sit and think about when I am drug free and all the withdrawals are gone, just thinking about that makes me smile:) I cannot wait for that day! I have been on tramadol for so long that I have no clue what real feels like. I am scared because my life is about to change, but it will be worth it. Yes, I am looking forward to my baby being born and her presence bringing us joy and happiness. I have a 14 month old son and I know that he is going to help me through the w/d's. Even though the fatigue is so bad and I can barely move, I know when I go CT, just seeing his smile will make me feel better. Alright, time to get some sleep. I will begin again tomorrow by taking 7 pills the whole day and tapering down from there on my own. I have 62 pills left so I need to divide those up for the best taper plan for me and my baby. Good night everyone:)

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by waterview4326, Aug 06, 2013
Welcome Farmgal!!!!!  Kylie I left you a pm.  It takes so much courage to face this drug head on and really you girls are both so strong.  Kylie I think I told you I lost faith in Dr's when I went to my Rheu. and told her of my addiction to trams, she said JUMP OFF, I remember leaving her office crying as I had tried cold turkey. I had been going to her for 10 years and she seemed really arrogant about it, I get what she said, she said these pills were AS NEEDED NOT every day well I was ALREADY addicted at that point. Anyway I too tried to tell her about the withdrawls and she looked me STRAIGHT in the eye and said NO WITHDRAWLS with tram, I will never forget my helplessness then. HOWEVER that moment gave me strength to finally get off these pills. I then went to my GP and she was kind enough at the time to give me 30 pills to taper with, HOWEVER she said I will NEVER fill them again or ANY narcotic of ANY kind. At the time I felt defeated and really like a loser but it was the best thing I could have done. At that time I came up with a plan to taper, and today is 21 days thank the lord.

   I learned quick I had to be in charge of my health at that point. I was SHOCKED my rheumatologist treated me that way, completely shocked. Anyway Kylie I believe with 62 pills you can do this safely and I left you a pm about that.  Jess I wish you would keep posting because I believe we need people in every stage of recovery here.  Also Farmgal you are on day 3 right? Now expect not to feel great but you are nearing the turning point for the physical withdrawls, take lots of baths and showers, hydrate, try to eat and really just keep your expectations low. That way if you feel good you will be pleasantly surprised!!!!

   Okay well at 21 days the physical withdrawls are gone. I won't lie and I believe it is important that we post all stages of recovery. My fatique is still there, some days I feel really good, some days still feel bad. Many people told me Tramadol withdrawl is random and it is, I NEVER know HOW I will feel, however I believe my body is healing and so will everybody's body in time. I believe I just want it now and I miss being energetic. The energy I have now is NATURAL energy and I just LOVE that, I don't have it every day but I do some days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  So for everyone here there is LIFE after tramadol, it takes patience, but I am winning this battle. Kylie you WILL be okay, you have so much to get sober for, Farmgal keep pushing forward you are doing it. Love to all

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by Kylie4501, Aug 06, 2013
Waterview,

Your posts are very encouraging!! Keep posting. I also like how you and everyone will post about all the bad symptoms they have. You are not sugar coating anything, which is good. Someone from a different forum told the people not to put so much negative in their posts because they will sacer lurkers away, but I don't believe that for a second. If no one wrote about the struggles and ways/remedies to overcome them, I would not be on this site. To read that someone else is feeling the horrible tingly legs is a way for me to feel connected and that someone else is going theorugh it and I am not alone. So please people, keep posting everything, positive or negative, because everything helps all of us.

Farmgal, stay on this site and you are doing so good being on day 3. I have quit tramadol before CT a couple years ago and I remember how awful it was. I still remember being at day 3 and feeling good that I made it that far. Keep up the good work:)

Waterview, you are doing awesome and not only are you kicking butt at beating this, but you have been such an inspiration to all of us new people. I am like farmgal, no one knows about my addiction so I am completely alone!

Have a great day everyone.

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by Farmgal40, Aug 06, 2013
Needing some strength right about now! I've read in some other threads how this pill gives you false, temporary energy,and you think you can conquer the world, that was me! So...as I look at my completey messy kitchen and other household chores, I keep thinking, I used to take a tram and I'd be like a machine cleaning, doing chores etc. I'm on Day 3...watching dirty dishes piling up, and trying to keep up on doing my very demanding job, and somethings gotta give! BUT, I am NOT going to let it be me or those EVIL PILLS!  Just tyring to figure out, how will I get the house clean, how do I get life done, without them? So inspired by everyone..THANK YOU!!  

Which brings me to...thinking about telling my husband tonight. This is just hard to do alone; and maybe he has noticed how the last few months I've been blah, anti social, sitting and watching TV, all things that were not normal for me, becuase of these awful pills. He might look at me like a deer in the head lights and not understand what I'm going through....but he kinda deserves an explanation, and it might help keep me accountable. Before I came on this site, I thought I was the ONLY one in the world who felt this way and was a slave to these pills; I know that you all understand, not sure he will, but I think I am going to try and tell him.


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by JessGehl, Aug 06, 2013
farmgirl

how long were you on the devil pill? and at what milligram?

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by Farmgal40, Aug 06, 2013
I'm *trying* to kick this before it gets too severe, I've been taking it about a year, I'd say about 8 months ago I went from 1 a day, to 2-3 every day, 50 mg. About 8 months ago is when I realized I could not even begin my day without taking it and I was addicited. I know that other people on here had it way more rough than me...had taken more, for longer, so if they can do it, I should be able to do it!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 06, 2013
Farmgal,

You are very lucky that you only managed to get to 2-3 pills in almost a year. The things with this drug is that you feel so good, like superwoman, and evry so often people usually need to increase their dose to keep feeling good. I was up to 15-20 pills a day!! Isn't that CRAZY? I just think to myself-how amd I not dead? I am so lucky to not have had a seizure or some other alarming things happen to me. I am struggling with this and am only down to 7 pills a day, but I have to keep telling myself that I went from almost 20 pills a day to 7 and that is GREAT:) You say you want to tell your husband and that is awesome:) I encourage you too even thought I don't think it is the best idea for me. I would love to tell him to let him understand that I need some help and support while I taper, but I just can't. My husband and I have been married for almost 5 years and we have had our ups and downs. A couple years ago I got into some legal trouble (which I will not get into detail about) and it really hurt him. I broke his trust and it took me a long time to get it back. It is the worst feeling in the world when someone you love "labels" you as something. If I tell him this, I will not only still be labeled for what I did a couple years ago, but also an addict. Even our families, I don't want them thinking of me as an addict. I just can't deal with that now that I finally have my mess from two years ago behind me and under control. Ya know what I mean? My husband is not the easiest person to rationalize with and he pretty much perfect, so when people do the wrong thing, he tends to get on them about it and stuff. Anyway, I hope your husband and situation is better, because I would love to tell my husband, it is great that you are just thinking about it. Good luck and have a great day!!

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by heal303, Aug 06, 2013
Hi all, I am dealing with Chronic lyme disease and co infections. Took me 23 yrs to get a diagnosis. Treatment made all symptoms worse doe to continued Herxing.

Did not realize I was addicted till I took LDN low dose naltrexone that ur not to take with Opiate's.

I took for quite a few years and took 600 mg 3 times a day. Was prescribed 8.

Been tapering since Jan slowly and down to 3/4th tab but its still hell. Hard to tell what is Lyme and co and what is withdrawal. Hellish pain and emotions bad. Just needing support . Healing Peace Blessings everyone

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by waterview4326, Aug 06, 2013
Farmgal I can so relate to the feeling you can't get your house clean. My first few days it was a CHORE to walk up the stairs. To go out to the garage and get the laundry and load it in the washer was daunting for days. I tell you I did things in stages, I would fill the sink up with water put the dishes in and sit down and take a break. After my shower I would lay on the bed because I was so exhausted, I was so tired the first few days I did not have the energy to blow dry my hair, it was CRAZY tired. I got the rotisserie chicken and stuff for dinner because to make a big meal just overwhelmed me. I just wanted you to know it is completely normal to feel that tired. At 21 days I am still tired but NOT like that. I go up and down the stairs several times a day without dreading it now, so I promise just hold on it will get better. I feel so good at night that it irritates me, all day I kind of blah sometimes but around 7 I have so much energy, so I take advantage of it, I mop then, do my laundry, wash my hair, and even though I wish I had the energy during the day I am glad that the fog lifts at all. So know with each passing day you are healing.

  I am so thankful to be able to vent here, although my husband is great he no longer WANTS to here about the fatique, so I just don't talk about it to him. Kylie I have thought of you all day and hope your day was a good one, I know you started your taper today. We all need to be able to vent these feelings somehere. My next door neighbor has SOOOO much energy, she works full time, mows her front and back yard on her lunch break, I mean she runs, cooks, and me I sometimes feel like I am moving in slow motion BUT I am sober today

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by JessGehl, Aug 06, 2013
I am doing so bad right now....today was horrid didn't get a break from any of the symptoms....losing hope. So i took an ativan just to try and calm down and BAM depression woahh depression..idk if it is the ativan or PAWS but im miserable. JUST MISERABLE! so i don't think i am gonna take the ativan again...just in case that was the reason. huhhhh when will this end....Im so numb.....confused as hell all the time and ugh please GOD heal me :( or something...I wanna cry but i can't even do that. I just want to go to sleep and wake up and be better!! thats all i want....this is so hard. Help :'(

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by Farmgal40, Aug 07, 2013
JessGehl,
I'm new here, so I probably can't be MUCH help to anyone right about now! And you may find this ridiculous, but just throwing it out there. About a month ago; I went to an intergrative doctor ("holistic" kind of) to try and find some relief from digestive symptoms that plagued me my whole life, and she was incredible, listened, and suggested TONS of things (none of them pills! well - some vitamins, but not the narcotic crap other doctors like to give out like candy) part of the reason I was taking the tram every day was for pain related to digestive issues. Anyway, she also gave me a list of things to try for stress mgmt, and one of them was called "4-7-8 breathing technique" its totally easy to find if you google it, it was created by Andrew Weil MD.  I kind of thought it sounded hookey but supposedly its the equivalent of taking a valium because when done right it calms you. Well let me tell you - two weeks ago I was in the vet's office and faced within having my 15 yr old dog, who has been with me for a quarter of my life, put to sleep. I thought I was going to have a completely hysterical crying break down. I did the breathing technique (when I was alone in the room) and it worked; it was still a very sad day for me and I cried, but not the hysterics. And I would be willing to bet that ativan did cause the feeling of depression.

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by Farmgal40, Aug 07, 2013
Kylie:
you are doing GREAT, its a big accomplishment - honestly I could not do a taper, I would not have the will power, I had to go cold turkey; so to me, people who do a taper are SO STRONG and determined, Plus you are on here for support, which is good! (I had  a message started to you last night, and had to close the computer down quick when my husband got home from work LOL)  I totally get your feeling of not being able to tell your husb, for not wanting to be judged. and I feel bad that you have that situation. For now, you can come here for your power, venting and support!

Waterview;
I'm SO glad you told me you were this tired also. I mean, it's only been 8 months for me that I was addicted to tram (and day 4  off) and even that short amount of time I can't remember how I functioned before it? i must have? I have a nice house and successful career so somehow I got stuff done?!

So the big thing here is that I did tell my husband last night; he had no idea, and he was VERY Supportive. Said he will do "whatever you want me to do, just tell me, so I can help" and I said - people do not just walk around with the skills knowing how to help pill addicts, so I wasn't sure what he could do. I explained the feelings, depressiong, fatigue, and I felt bad the house was a mess, and he said it was fine and he'd help however he could. That was like a huge weight lifted. I said I could not remember how I got everything done in life 8 months ago without these pills? He reminded me that he has known me for much longer than 8 months, and said I'm one of the strongest people he knows, so he said you can get back to who you were 8 months ago.

My "issue" today is that Day 4 honestly feels like Day 1 to me. I'm not having the physical symptoms really, but the emotional/mental/psychological is no better yet. Every hour feels like a day, watching the clock, and thinking, it will be easier to just take a pill to get through the day, and fighting the urge. I can't feel like this the rest of my life. Its that stupid pill calling saying, "take one, its just one, take one to get the house cleaned up" and fighting that stupid voice is taking all my strength and I do not want to feel like this every day for the rest of my life! So hopefully I am believing what you've all posted here that it DOES get better....H O P I N G.  My life was revolving around taking the pills; NOW I've traded that for my life revolving around trynig to NOT take the pills.


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by Kylie4501, Aug 07, 2013
Farmgal,

Thanks for your nice words of support! The only reason I am tapering is because of the baby, I have no choice, otherwise I would be going CT in a heartbeat. I am not a patient person so tapering is very difficult for me. A couple years ago I quit CT and that was rough but at least the bad part only lasted a few days, where as tapering I am going to feel crappy for weeks. I need to be strong though for my family.

I am so happy you told your husband and that is amazing how supportive he was!!! Good job!!! You are doing so great and you are going to get through this:) Just keep hanging on!! I found that keeping busy really helps, even though it is hard to walk around because of the heavy fatigue feeling. If I were you, I would talke all my strentgh, get it, and start doing little things around your house. I think you will feel better, or at least the time will go by faster. I know that when I sit and watch TV or something, the time goes by so slow and it makes me feel worse. Waterview gave some great advice in one of her posts. She said she would get up and fill the sink with water to do the dishes, then she would sit down and take a break, and so on. I really think something like this would help you. If you are anything like me, having a messy house will only make you feel worse, because I am sure our houses were spotless while we on Tramadol, and now we feel helpless that we cannot keep up to that pace. Try that and let me know how it goes! Again, I am so glad your husband was great about you coming clean to him, I am sure that is a huge weight lifted off of your shoulders!!!

Have a great day today!!

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by waterview4326, Aug 07, 2013
Farmgal yes I soooo know that feeling, I still have it at 22 days but NOWHERE like it was on week 1. Seriously do SMALL things then sit down for a bit, then get up do something else. I KNOW my husband got irritated seeing me sit so much but I did get things done, now it took a LOT longer but the frequent breaks really worked for me. I would grab the clothes put them near the washer, take a break, then put them in, let my dogs out etc. Seriously I was so tired I had to make one bed, take a break do the next bed, I was that tired. Also I really did simple dinners, like ham steaks and baked potatoes, I mean my family could care less what we eat but I am the meal planner and cooker. So really just KNOW the fatique is awful in the beginning, I felt like I had bowling balls around my ankles going up the stairs, so draining. My husband said he was going to be supportive and he was for about 2 weeks now he thinks I should be over it, I just don't bother trying to. get him to understand and now I can get around pretty good. On 22 days I feel way better at night than during the day, I drag during the day but nobody notices but me, I do everything but with effort.

   Kylie I am going to PM you soon but hubby is here and I can't type a whole lot, he is VERY nosy about who I am writing. He would NEVER get writing to people I don't know telling my secrets to, yet how could he, he does NOT understand addiction. I am comforted here with everyone on the forum and I hate to say this, I think I am getting addicted to the forum now LOL!!!!!!!!  I find myself logging on several times a day and I NEED to be working LOL!!!! Anyway I will write you before your trip and see how you are. You have a really good plan in place honey. You know we are all strong, getting off this pill is difficult. I still have just brief moments when I feel ugly and a loser, it is crazy, I keep it to myself of course, but in my mind I had gained ALL this weight and when we moved I threw out the scale, so yesterday I bought one and I am the EXACT same weight, my mind literally had me believing I am a big fat pig, it just baffled me when I got on the scale. It is still the lingering AD effects from the tramadol, and I have waves of just witchiness  that come over me. I don't say any of this to scare anyone because it is doable waves of irritability but I think people should know at 22 days you still feel like poo at times, however there are good moments.

   Okay my friends back to my work, hubby home so I need to check off here, here's to hoping maybe we can all have a better day. Truly to all newcomers it does get better with time, I promise.

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by heal303, Aug 07, 2013
Anyone else dealing with chronic Lyme and co infections going through these hellish withdrawals ? Double trouble :(

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by Kylie4501, Aug 07, 2013
Heal 303,

Sorry, but I have never dealt with that before, I guess I don't even know what chronic lyme and co infections are...can you explain? Were you taking tramadol or other medications for this? Welcome to this forum and you will get a lot of great advice if you stay on here. I would post your question on the main community page also since this journal is mostly people dealing with tramadol.

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by Movebeyondthis, Aug 08, 2013
heal303,

I have chronic Lyme and co-infections and I posted on this forum while I weaned.  I really struggled with it but I finally made it.  I have 8 months free from tramadol and I feel better than I have in a long time.  

Are you working with a LLMD? Is he/she helping you through this process?

Lyme, herxing and withdrawal puts so much stress on the body and is an experience I can't even put into words.  I feel for you.  But you will get through it.

I was lucky to have an LLMD to support me.  He really eased up on my treatment temporarily so I wasn't herxing very bad and he also prescribed the clonidine patch. I wanted to be free from tramadol more than anything which is what got me through.  This forum was a godsend.

I've now been able to focus on my Lyme treatment without tramadol mucking it all up.    

I will keep you in my prayers and continue to check in here when I can. Blessings

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by Farmgal40, Aug 08, 2013
DAY 5 WITHOUT TRAMADOL!  today is the first day (I know the day is still early) but where I have not had the urge to take a pill every minute. Also last night, its like my brain started to re-fire; I was watching TV with my husband and I was making all kinds of comments and we were laughing....its like those pills deaden your mind...and mine is starting to come back. I FORCED myself after a full day of work to make dinner, do the dishes, and a load of laundry. Hope everyone else out there is having a good day!

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by waterview4326, Aug 08, 2013
Hey Farmgal

   Glad you are doing better, so happy for you. I do believe in fact I KNOW Tramadol deadened my mind, it made me STOP doing ALL things I enjoyed. Part of me now is realizing that we moved during the past 6 months, that I gave ALL my power away, I would say to my husband do whatever you want with the house, NOW all of a sudden I don't like the colors he picked out, etc. It is crazy because  I said  something about the colors and he said you liked them when I did ALL the work, now I realize I was just dead emotionally. Anyway I get your point, the colors are livable but I was just dead inside, ALL I cared about was my pills.

  So you keep moving forward you are doing great, heck you are doing WAY better than I was at day 5, so happy for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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by JessGehl, Aug 08, 2013
Huhhhh...........I am getting to the point of wondering if this will ever end......because it doesn't feel like it will

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 08, 2013
I agree the pills do deaden your mind. I wasn't all there when I was on them. I wasn't emotionally there when I should of been. I wasn't the person who my wife needed me to be or that she married. I notice more and more as the days go on. I would never want to go back to that. Even though I don't sleep at night now because of the hot-cold and the RLS and the constant pain I would not want to go back to that. I'll deal with what I have been dealt even though I don't like it. Farmgal, hang in there your doing great,

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by waterview4326, Aug 08, 2013
It's hard coming to terms that I was dead inside and at times I still feel that way. I see how I just sat back and let this past year literally pass me by while being numb.   I am not driven my feelings now are that I am overwhelmed with starting over. My personality is NOT the same at all, at 23 days physic ally I feel better but my drive is not there at all. I am guessing all this is a time thing, I don't know. I am not depressed just feel shy and introverted, it is everything I don't think I was.  I have to move forward from this, I fought to get here but I don't know who I am anymore, Jess I get how you feel, I really do, I want some vigor back, I WANT to get to a good place, I hope I do

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 08, 2013
I understand that. I feel the same way. I don't feel like the same person, shy for sure which is odd for me. I want some energy and my vigor back too.

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by Farmgal40, Aug 08, 2013
I can related to what you are all saying above, I do not feel like myself at all...then I think, can I even remember exactly who I was before these stupid pills? Does anyone else feel like (or did they at first, I'm on day 5 with no tramadol) that they are just watching the clock, its like I have massive anxeity waiting for something, but I don't know what. I just want the day over so another day can start,I guess maybe because I hope each day will be different and better? It was no way to be living on those pills...you think you are doing tons of great stuff and can juggle a million things, but they have actually made you a dead zombie inside. But it ***** living like this too...just waiting every day to have my "normal energy" back. And....which I have not heard anyone else mention - I am CRAVING junk food like crazy!   From what I've read, it's probably my brain trying to produce that dopamine release I'm not getting from taking a pill. Has anyone else had that? (I know I should excercise as that would work on my brain too - have not had the energy yet, except walking my dog at night )

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by waterview4326, Aug 08, 2013
OMG  JUNK FOOD YES!!!!!!!!!!!  I have been CRAVING CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!  When I went to the store I bought those doughnuts with the crème inside and I have one every night. I keep eating the fun size chocolate bars and I NEVER ate on tram, ever. So funny you mention that. Farmgal it does get better, I only have 23 days BUT it is so much better than day 5, you will start feeling better. Your right about waiting for the normal energy to come back, I am waiting, however I know it will be more of the dreaded word TIME. I think for me I feel pretty good but just not really wanting to be social at all, which from what I remember is not the real me, heck I don't know who I am right now. However I do know I am starting to feel better and I am sober, life may be a bit odd but I am doing it and so are you, you will turn the corner soon, you'll see!!!!!!!!

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by Farmgal40, Aug 08, 2013
Waterview:
so funny that you mention the social aspect as well, I consider myself massively social and an extrovert, and I have not seen a bunch of my friends in a while, not returning phone calls etc. This drug is such a liar and a cheat! part of my brain would think that I was getting so much done, but yet I could not ever relax and just hang w/ friends or family like I used to. I ate an eclair (kind of like your donut things!) on Monday....um...okay AND one Tuesday.  And TWO ice cream bars today. YIKES!  But I'd rather be off the pills first and foremost. Glad I'm not the only one!

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by helpmymarriage, Aug 08, 2013
I'm craving junk food as well. It's crazy. I want to lose weight not gain it!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 08, 2013
You guys are all my inspiration!!! My husband is out of town all next week so I am planning my taper to end on Monday. This way I will be alone and not have to pretend to have the flu again. I will be able to relax and heal without anyone seeing me. Next week I WILL need your support!! I am nervous! Keep going guys, we are all doing soooo great!!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 09, 2013
Ok, does this make any sense? Today I at 7 pills a day and I was doing great all day. Right before I laid down to bed, I took my last two pills. As soon as I took those two pills, the RLS kicked in to the extreme. I mean bad!!! I can't even lay in my bed because they are twitching, jerking, and feeling so horrible. Why did they kick in right after I took my pills. You would think my pills are keeping me from having them. Anyone else have this issue?

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by waterview4326, Aug 09, 2013
Well day 24 here!!!!!    Feeling okay today. I realized that I am able to go through my day to day life now without that awful tired feeling. The crying jags are way better now and I am just kind of even now. No more horrible rants anymore, no more lead legs which were the worst for me. Each day I see progress, it is very slight but it is getting better. I posted this before, I gave my power away while using, I gave up my opinions, I did not care, well they are coming back now, still waiting for the zip in my step BUT I am a world away from 24 days ago, it really does get better.

  One thing I realize is I have pent up anger from the move. We had no choice but I am angry now, I have to work through this, I find myself MAD at my husband inside about it, like he had a choice, he did not. However he is focusing on things I don't find important and I want him to address what is important to me around here, all of a sudden he thinks I am witchy, however I just have an opinion. I guess I just need to learn how to do these things myself LOL!!!!

   Okay so if reading 24 days is WAY better than week one or two. This drug ***** the life out of you, at least it did me, I am looking at a painted wall that I agreed to, now I don't like it, see what tramadol does, it makes you NOT care, I feel kind of sad about that because hubby put so much into doing this house, so glad to be off tramadol today. Much Love to all my friends here

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by waterview4326, Aug 09, 2013
Kylie the RLS was the worst for me, it made me CRAZY. The best thing I swear was the shower and wrapped up heating pads with ACE bandages. Nothing else really helped but that, also take magnesium, bananas, anything with potassium. Also if you can swim somewhere, I mean just get in a pool and MOVE your legs in the water, I know you are going away this week end maybe a pool?  If not get in the bath or shower, scrub in epsim salts, it has magnesium in it. It does get better I promise, I hated theb RLS, if I had kept pills I would have relapsed because of that alone. Try the ace bandages, also I put soap under my sheets, I think you mentioned that, I did everything but it does go away, I promise

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by Farmgal40, Aug 09, 2013
Waterview:
I  read your sentence:
     "I realized that I am able to go through my day to day life now without that awful tired feeling"
  
and it just made me so happy and relieved. I am HAPPY FOR YOU OF COURSE, but it also gave me hope. The tired feeling is the hardest for me right now (Day 6) and I can't imagine how I am going to get anything done this weekend. I have come to realize about myself through this, that I'm a perfectionist - I don't hold others to those standards or judge them by it, but I do myself. So if everything is not perfect - house/home/decor/meals/marriage/job/yard, then I've failed, there is no in between or happy medium for me, which is why I think I used the pills for fake energy to keep pushing and pushing til I made everything in my life perfect. That is the long road ahead.

Regarding your home, walls and your husband - DON'T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF as they say!  In the grand scheme of things, a wall color is not that big a deal and just be happy that you are actually experencing emotions now, that you were not before. You can always re-paint later! Being off tramadol is better than the perfect house, or wall color :-)

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by waterview4326, Aug 09, 2013
Oh Farmgal you made me smile. You know me the perfect house, yes I expect it but honestly in those early days, I could not do it all. My advice is just do what you can see, like the dishes, laundry etc. Don't worry about like the mopping etc. just do the basics, IF you keep those up as your energy returns and it will you can then get to the other things. One thing that helped me is keeping my counters uncluttered, like in the kitchen etc. If things LOOKED neat then I did not feel frazzled inside, BUT if things were messy I was SOOOOO irritable.  I always made my beds etc. so when I walked in it looked neat, however it was NOT like I normally kept it. Yes the pills did create that false energy for us but if you just hold on Farmgal you are soon going to get more and more of it. I made my life PERFECT also BUT I was trying to look perfect on the outside BUT I was ANYTHING BUT perfect on the inside, I now see that. It's HARD to face that, YEP me too, the perfect yard and today my lawn does not look perfect, either my son or hubby does the yard and both are busy working, I hate yardwork, so I can either do it myself, or be aggigated but your right it is sweating the small stuff. I feel this need for my yard to be perfect to make it seem like I am all together, Farmgal I am not altogether but I am working on it.

   There really is no happy medium for me either, I find myself mad inside over the yard today, yet really it is not that bad.  It is a long road for me to, striving for perfection, when I am SOOOOO messed up inside. I mean I could just scream sometimes with how hard this is to get off this drug.

   Anyway you made me smile as I was frustrated over my imperfect yard, in the big scheme of things it is not important YET I focus on it, maybe it is something other than myself to focus on.  However I could go do it but I will see if son does it tomorrow, if not I will just do it myself and be greatful I have the energy to do so. Thanks for the smile and letting me vent YET AGAIN!!!!!!!  I am a work in progress and you my dear are doing awersome, just do what you can see okay?

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by Kylie4501, Aug 10, 2013
I agree wiith you guys completely about being perfect. That is exactly why I kept up with the Tramadol. I loved having all the energy and my house perfectly spotless everyday. Now that is not going to happen next week when I am CT. Have a great day everyone, I need to get ready to go out of town for a wedding.

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by JessGehl, Aug 10, 2013
welp......Last night was horrid. Didn't sleep at all....today i am in lots of pain...depressed....numb...confused....huhhhhhh this ***** so much

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by heal303, Aug 10, 2013
Hi Kylie450,
TY for the welcome.

Lyme is a bacteria an infectious spirochete, you get from ticks and other biting insects like fleas,mosquitos and more. There are other means of transmission. At the same time people can get other co infections which I am dealing with like Bartonella,Babesia a parasite,Ehrlichiosis and more.

All of these cause many symptoms headache,chills,joint pain,muscle pain,central nervous system problems,extreme exhaustion and much more. Peeps have been misdiagnosed with MS, Fibro,Chronic Fatigue symdrome and much more.
Many Md's have no clue about it and best to see a Lyme Literate Md. LLMD

lymenet.org  lymedisease.org Testing igenex.com Prompt diagnosis and adequate treatment of lyme is important to prevent it from becoming chronic and potentially disabling and difficult to treat. It took me 23 ys to get diagnosed. Its epidemic pretty much everywhere.

When I was finally dxed treatment caused on going herx and thats when I started Tramadol which I was told was not addictive. So here I am going through hell with lyme and co and evil Tram withdrawals.

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by heal303, Aug 10, 2013
Hi Move beyond this, Thanks so much for your support. Yes I have an LLMD. And have cut waaaay back on treatment but its still hell. Been dropping Tram dose since Jan. I was on 300 mg a day and now down to 3/4 a tab. What a nightmare.
Will look into the Clonidine patch. Are u still on it?

I have only done alternatives for lyme and co and no abx as I got into trouble with them before.candida etc.

Using a couple of Homeopatics for withdrawals Nux Vomica and another one and a few other things. Hard to know what is Lyme and co and what is withdrawals. How long did it take u to get off. I was not even taking higher dose as prescribed.

Take good care Healing Blessings

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by tj266, Aug 11, 2013
I haven't been posting, just reading, does me better to read than post most of the time but I thought I would check in today. I am currently tapering down and it is going pretty good. I am down to 150 mg a day which I have spaced out as 3 50mg a day. I am keeping the dose spread out equally over the day and that seems to work well and w/d symptoms are manageable. I don't much care for the irritability but can usually consciously control that. What I hate is the little touch of depression that goes with it. Especially if I am late with a dose . Last night I was way late with the last dose and went to bed feeling like a complete loser . A failure as a parent and everything else. Even woke up that way. I know in my mind that this is the tram talking but still its so hard. Makes me feel like I am spinning my wheels in life and losing ground. One day I hope this will be over and if I could afford the time id have someone kick my a$$ into oblivion for ever letting this happen. But I will keep on pressing on and at some point I will come out on top - I have to. Ill check in net weekend after my next  drop. Stay strong..and thanks for listening

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by waterview4326, Aug 11, 2013
HI TJ

   Yes I remember each tramadol dose drop I would get the depression. I mean as I got lower in my taper I can't believe the negative thoughts that would come in my mind. I believe I posted here that I was rationalizing that my husband and family would be better off without me. I can't tell you how many times my mind went there. Before Tramadol I don't think I was depressed. HOWEVER as I have become sober I realized I was taking the Tram to numb myself to what was happening in my life. Now I have to face not only being sober BUT what I was running from in the first place.

   I am forcing myself to do the things I know I need to be doing to have a full life. While on Tram and also while getting off tram I tend to isolate myself. I am making small steps to change that, I know my life can be so much more than it is. I spent a year isolating and when I woke up from the tram fog I realized what I had done. It is terribly hard to SEE this, to DEAL with this, BUT I am moving forward, I deserve a full life. Being off tram I see ALL the drug did to me not only did it effect my self esteem, BUT it just made me blah.
  
So today is day 26 and making small steps to meeting new people. I am sad and grateful at the same time, sad that I let this time pass me by, but happy in a way to have the energy to get out my house. The energy has been slow going, but day to day things are getting easier and easier. It took a good 3 weeks to feel human, I have so much to change but being sober allows me to see it and I realize that it took a while to get in this mess, it will take some time to get my life where I want it.

  So anyone reading it does get better with time, yes the depression is hard, at least for me it was, but it does lift, it differs for everyone, I can't believe how dark some of my days were. I have no real life person to share this with so I pour it out here, tramadol really did me in, I can't believe I am starting all over again, I can't believe what it did to my extraverted personality,  I can't believe how SHY I am, how underconfidant I am, I simply can't believe it. However I am tram free and I thank the lord for that, I simply NEVER thought I could let it go.





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by Kylie4501, Aug 11, 2013
Hey Guys,

So today is the day...it has been 7 hours since my last Tramadol. I had 6 yesterday and 2 today. I am DONE! I am already starting to feel it after 7 hours. Been sneezing like crazy, tingly legs, and the heavy fatigue feeling is setting it. We just got back today from a wedding out of town, so unpacking and washing clothes has been rough! UGH! I have to go to work tomorrow and am nervous for how awful I will feel in the morning, how on earth will I find the energy to shower and such? Anyway, I have to go to work and get things done so that I can take the rest of the week off. I will have no work and no husband after Monday. He goes out of town for work. I stocked up at the store with all the necessities so I shouldn't have to go to the store this week. I will be drinking water non-stop, taking Hylands RLS, and eating bananas. I also take a multi-vitamin and a Magnesium supplement. Anything else I am missing? Oh I did buy the Imodium in case I need it.

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by heal303, Aug 12, 2013
Hi Kylie4501
I replied to you about lyme and co infections above.  I am using nux vomica homeopathic for withdrawals. My LLMD is a homeopath. Ginger tea helps me with some of the pain but its a double whammy with Lyme and other co infections.Hope ur feeling better.

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by Molytex, Aug 12, 2013


Tramadol - never again... Well... first of I would like to thank people in here for sharing their experiences with Tramadol - you have all been of great help so far and I've learned a lot by reading through the various posts the last few days. So here is my story and please feel free to comment on anything.

At the moment I am struggling with Tramadol withdrawels. At least that is what I think. A little background on me. 35 year old male - in 2000 i suffered from panic attacks and my doctor diagnosed me with depression which in turn caused the panic attacks and anxiety. I was prescribed Paxil with good effect. I tried to go of two seperate times and after some months the panic attacks would reappear. During 2000-2005 I developed an addiction to sleeping pills, zolpidem (Ambien).. and in 2005 everything culminated when my abuse was discovered - at this point I was to see a new psychiatrist and she concurred with the diagnosis of chronic depression and I will be on antidepressants the rest of my life. I was switched to Venlafaxine (Efexor XR) after a few months and I responded very well to this. Unfortunately I didn't fully acknowledge my own addictive tendencies - I believed I could controle it so abuse of sleeping pills continued. In 2009 after great weightloss I experienced gall stone issues and was prescribed oxycodone (oxynorm)... oh boy.. when I realised I could get this drug as much as I needed (almost) a 3 month addiction went out of controle - including sleeping pills.. In the end I was taking between 8-12 pills a day (10 mg) and over a period of 2 months I had consumed around 400 pills all in all excluding the sleeping pills.
This time everything came crashing down at the moment I was supposed to have my gall bladder removed. I panicked and walked out of the operation to the surprise of my girlfriend and cousin (my primary network).. I arrived at home and immediately took a dose of oxy and realized that I would no longer have access to the pain meds. My first instinct was that I wouldn't tell anybody and just quit on my own.. That thinking lasted 20 hours after I took the last oxy.. all hell broke loose.. sweating, itching, panic, anxiety and basically all other symptoms classic of opiate WD. I was lucky and was able to enlist the support of my girlfriend and cousin despite having lied to them (later lost the girlfriend though). The physical WD took me about 1½ week to conquer - the psychological WD's took me almost a month to handle and the worse one was the anxiety.. the crippling anxiety and overwhelming feeling that nothing would ever be the same - nothing would be good again. It came in waves, some lasting a few minutes and some lasting a lot longer - they all had the same thing in common and that was the very irrational thought that nothing ever would be good.. I had no controle over this and all I could do was to be stubborn and think this will be better eventually. - 1½ month after quitting I was "normal" and well aware that I am prone to addiction...
Unfortunately such an experience tends to leave the memory when normal daily life sets in... 2011 I fall and hit my ribs - doctor prescribes me Tramadol and suddenly I realise that this has possibilities. Knowing that it was possible made me seek out emergency rooms a couple of times in 2011 but then in 2012 it escalated and during the course of 2012-2013 I visited 8 different ER's about 50 times and got additional Tramadol from my cousin who underestimated me with regards to addiction. Usually I would get prescription friday afternoon and then proceed with taking 10 pills friday, 10 pills saturday and a couple on sunday unless I received a bigger prescription. A few times I was prescribed 100 x 50 mg and when that happened I would continue the abuse into the next week. Then a few days of the flu would follow and I would be back to "next friday this or that ER will be visited". I don't remember if I actually ever went more than 3 weeks without Tramadol but I seriously doubt it. And now we have arrived at the current situation:
14 days ago I took my last 8 tramadols - I decided it should stop and I would return to "normal". At that time I hadn't read up on the effects of Venlafaxine and Tramadol so in my infinite wisdom I decided to double my 150 mg dose to 300 mg for a period of 4 days in order to soften the landing.. monday was fairly ok.. monday tuesday wednesday and thursday nights all had some night sweats, vivid dreaming and a general feeling of low mood.. friday everything exploded... my girlfriend and my cousin had a huge argument that ended with no more friendship and my girlfriend leaving me - I tried a lot of damage controle but to no avail. Saturday I felt anxious and went to talk to my girlfriend to end things the right way - very odd since I had nothing to do with the breakup as such.. feeling very emotional saturday evening.. Sunday morning - I break down crying with an irrational uncontrollabel feeling that no one will ever love me and my only life line is my ex. My cousin who is usually my life line suddenly seems like the reason for all things going to **** which is very irrational. I do feel I should not be alone so finally I go to my cousin and we talk and talk - I also talk with my ex and try to help her sort through her ordeal.. I still have feelings for her and she has for me. Now follows 5 days of work with no controle over rational thinking when irrational anxiety hits - I sleep 6 hours a night so that's ok but this anxiety is nasty. Yesterday was bad the first half of the day but ok the second half - today was ok first - the middle ***** and now I'm focusing on writing this. When I'm "normal" and the brain feels like it is working I can handle a breakup with my (ex) and I can think well there is one for me.. when the irrational periods sets in she is the only life line that excists and she is my only salvation. This goes for any other thoughts as well... hence irrational/rational. I have also experienxed headaches after which I have a period of rational thinking.. at the moment I have a small buzzing sensation sometimes going through my body - tinkling in my arms and then small sweats.
Yesterday I talked with my cousin and confided in her - she is the one always there for me and she is there for me now... I will never take Tramadol again - these fluxuations are so bad that sometimes its almost too much to bear..
I have learned a lot about Venlafaxine after all this and once I'm back to stabil on my Efexor then that is it - I will never take another Tramadol..

I have a few questions I hope anybody can help with:

1. I have a theory going that I have elevated my levels of serotonin and norepinephrine by taking tramadol and that thes will need to stabilize again before I am normal - ?
2. Since I haven't experinced WD's like this before on tramadol I am wondering if this feels more like the times I started up on antidepressant medicine especially since I have windows of "clarity" ..is this even plausible?
3. Timeline. The last 2 times I went cold turkey it took 4 weeks for me to be back to rational normal me - furthermore it took me the same time for the antidepressants everytime to work. Am I way to optimistic in thinking that in another 2 weeks things will be better?

I apologize in advance for the long text - I needed to share it all and I have tried to break it up so it is more readable.

Regards

Tram *****

Oh - forgot one last question / theory

My relationship is without a doubt taking a toll on me - when I talk to my girlfriend and try to reconsiliate (she still has feelings to but cant handle my cousin) I am very easy to push - she says something good and I feel the positive effect... she says something negative and I take a small spirale down. I have a theory that under normal circumstances i.e. no tramadols my serotonic system would take a hit but it would be ok because I am well treated with Efexor XR... since my system is out of whack - not enough receptors - not enough transmitters.. this struggle feels much worse..

Any oppinions? Am I being too biological/chemichal in my approach

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by Kylie4501, Aug 13, 2013
Heal303,

I did read your post, thanks for letting me know what your disease is all about. How are you doing today? Keep finding that inner strength!!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 14, 2013
Molytex,

Welcome! I know that feeling you explain of nothing ever being good again. It is the pills instilling that fear in you. They are telling you that you cannot be a happy person without them, but it's all a lie!!! Every single one of us was a happy person who went through life normally before the pills. We are not at fault, we just got caught up in how they made us feel and now we have to take responsibility and go through this terrible pain in order to feel again. I was taking up to 20 tramadol pills a day and now I am at 4. I am so proud of myself and amazed that I never got hurt or anything taking that many pills. I am so lucky! I tried CT but I just couldn't do it, I lasted about 15 hours. I went in the next day to see an old family doc and thankfully he was willing to help and gave me more to taper. But honestly, these pills change us and we CAN get back to normal. It just takes time and dedication. It is so painful to go through these w/d's but we did this to ourselves and sometimes I feel that I need to feel this horrible in order to stay off of them. You say you slept 6 hrs a night which is lucky...did you have any leg pains during your w/d? So how long has it been without any Tramadol?

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by Molytex, Aug 14, 2013
TY Kylie

Well I am at day 17 without Tramadol and as I compare stories with everyone else it is clear to me that I have been lucky with regards to physical w/d - I merely had flu symptoms following the week I quit and some small mood swings. What really kicked my *** was/is the psychological effects - days 6 to 16 the swings were very scary and intense. Waking up and immediately feel the panic and anxiety. Force myself to get to work thinking that at least time would go faster that way and dreading the weekend with all that time to myself. Those irrational clouds hanging over my thoughts telling me that no one will ever love me again and my ex is my only salvation - life is meaningless and empty... then suddenly comes the window of clarity where I am back to completely normal - for an hour i feel perfect exactly the way I did before and the future is full of possibilities and my experience with tramadol is just that, an ugly experience.

I am sure that being on Efexor XR has helped a lot and I can't wait till I am stabil again - I know from past experience that I will be on antidepressants for the rest of my life so I have no problems with my Efexor XR but GOD I wished I had known the 2 of them were so a like and that what I was doing was in fact ruining the one thing keeping me stable.

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by Molytex, Aug 14, 2013
And I must say that I really respect all those of you who are able to taper - I am sure that would have been easier on me especially since I am already in treatment with an AD... but sometimes life hands you less than optimal conditions and you just have to grind through it.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 14, 2013
Molytex,

I REALLY wanted to do CT because I am so impatient but I felt the symptoms and could NOT do it. No I only feel slight discomfort everyday but it is manageable. Great job on being clean 17 days!!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 14, 2013
You are all amazing.
A bit of history....I discovered tram when i was 15 years old in 2003. I began using 25mg once a week because i loved the way it made me feel. Fast forward to present day, i am 25 years old and using 300-350mg daily. However, I only get 120 tablets each month, so i am in a bind every single month. To ward off withdrawal I always find hydrocodone and use about 50mg in divided doses throughout the day until time for my tramadol refill. once again I am approaching running out way too early. I have 11 tablets left. Not enough to taper. I plan to taper on my next refill which is August 28th. I attempted CT today. Broke down about 10am and took one tram. 11:30 and I just took two more. I'll end up taking at least one or two more today I'm sure of it. Perhaps tapering will be too difficult for me? I'll have no choice but to gain access to hydrocodone to ward of WD as usual until RX date. The hydro helps tremendously....but I still miss and crave tram on days I use hydro. Tram is such a powerful drug. I am no stranger to the WD and how addictive it is. But ten years and I'm at the end of my rope with this rollercoaster.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 14, 2013
Seems the two tablets I took at 11:30 have mitigated the withdrawal. Even though I'm at 150mg thus far today (much later than usual...tiny victory)...I know deep down its not enough. Now that I'm feeling up to it, a bit of personal info. I have a 4 year old daughter whom I share custody with, a 6 month old baby, and a 1 year old step daughter so my plate is full here at the house. My wife is a stay at home mother...however I lost my job a week ago because I begin a 40 hour training class for a much better job on the 26th. Since I'm going to be home for a little bit I see it as an opportunity to CT the tram or begin a taper. It would be agonizing to try to keep up with my wonderful wife and the kids in CT WD. I can't tell her either. Its complicated. She would leave me if she knew I was still on the tram. Before we were married we split up for three months because of it. I told her I was off of it when we got back together. Lying...typical addict stuff. She will catch me eventually. I'm scared of trying CT. I hope being on this since I was 15 hasn't caused irreversible damage to my mental state.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 14, 2013
Sorry for a third comment. Need to vent. I wanted to point out that isn't it funny we run low on our script or run out as soon as stressful events are on the horizon? For instance, my wife has minor surgery in the morning. We have to be there at dawn. I can only use 100mg of tram tomorrow if I want to ration them out to refill...and that's even with 6-7 days of subbing hydrocodone starting Friday. 100mg tomorrow isn't going to cut it. Any idea how uncomfortable its going to be sitting in a waiting room while WD tomorrow? Of course you do. We may be there most of. The day. When I can only use 100mg of tram I always try to make it until 12pm. Not sure I can do it tomorrow. This is one reason why I'm ready to make an effort to get this out of my life. Your schedule and livelihood truly does revolve around this poison.

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by BackAgain2, Aug 14, 2013
I have been reading this for a while now and it's time I write my own. I need someone to read it and validate it because I'm sick of keeping this secret. I started taking Tramadol over 15 years ago when my mother gave me one of hers when I had a toothache. I realized how great it made me feel and started taking one from her bottle every now and then, not enough to do anything serious, just for fun once in a while.
It became a problem in 2001 when I discovered you could buy it on the internet. I was in a horrible marriage with a man addicted to cocaine and alcohol, we ordered them together. It made my days seem tolerable. I only ever took one 50mg a , at the time it didn't seem any worse than having a glass of wine, but within six months I knew I was addicted. I stopped and it was awful, even after only one pill a day.
Within a year I ordered more, this time I promised myself I would only take them sometimes. I did that for a little while, eventually I was taking two 50 mg a day. I would wake myself up at 5 am just to take the first so I could wake up in a few hours ready to go. After a couple years of this, one day I had a dream that I was on vacation at my favorite vacation destination. In the dream I had gotten to take a surprise trip. As soon as I got there I realized I had no tramadol with me and I just wanted to leave. That was how I knew it was killing the person I was, when all I could think about - even in a dream- was taking one or else I could enjoy life. I stopped cold turkey and gave the rest that I had to a friend. It was awful. I was hot then cold then hot then cold. But after only a couple days I was okay. I felt great!
It didn't matter, within a year of that I ordered more. THIS time it would only be for fun. That worked for a long time actually. I really did only take them on some days, when I needed more energy or was in high stress situations. For seven years I only took them a couple times a week, if that.
2011 I was hit with multiple high stress situations, by the end of summer I was back to taking two a day. I promised myself I would stop before Halloween, before Christmas, before our trip to Disney World, then again by spring, then before school let out. Instead more outside situations happened, I dealt with them all by taking tramadol. Of course I knew I was addicted. I was up to 3 a day since January until about a month ago.
I KNOW that some of you here have taken much more than 150 mgs a day. But this drug has as much of a hold on me at only 3 50mg a day. I have had numerous panic attacks this summer due to waking up and not being able to immediately feel it's effects. I HATE IT. I hate that the first thing I think of when anything happens is how many little white pills are in my cabinet.
Right now I am back down to 50 mgs a day. I spent three days now completely freaking out because I don't have enough money to buy more, because every online site now only takes e-checks. I backed down yesterday and paid via Western Union to some place I had never heard of, because it was the cheapest I could find it. Then I asked my parents if I could borrow money to pay the rent, making up a lie about my paycheck being incorrect!! I feel disgusted with myself!!!! For one, I don't even know if this pharmacy I ordered from is legit. I may very well have given them $90 to run away with. I lied to my family because I'm addicted to drugs!
I have 15 50mg pills left. In a way I HOPE THOSE PILLS NEVER COME!! I took 25mg last night at about midnight. I couldn't deal with the restless legs. It is now 8pm. This is the longest I've gone without tramadol in almost two years....I actually feel okay. But I'm terrified what will happen when something else happens. I am afraid I don't have the willpower to stay away. If these pills come I know I won't throw them out.
I need someone who gets it. I cannot tell my family. Thank you for "listening".


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by Kylie4501, Aug 14, 2013
BackAgain,

I hear you and am in the same boat!! I have been on them since 2010 and I was up to 20 a day!!!!!!! 20 50mg...can you believe it. I felt the same way too, I was so sick of that being the first thing I had to do in the morning. Not a single family member or friend knows about this addiction. I finally confided in my Doc a few weeks ago because I knew it had to be done. Long story short, I went from 20 pills a day and am at 4 right now. I wanted to cold turkey and tried last Sunday but couldn't male it past 15 hours. Words cannot even express the anxiety, fatigue, and restless legs I had. Now I am tapering 1 pill a day for 3 days. I feel very slight discomfort but it is very manageable and I need it to be manageable because there is never any free time in my life for me to just sit and detox. In my opinion, it was good for me to try cold turkey because now I know how it felt and I am strong enough to taper now. I am very impatient and thought, why am I tapering and feeling like crap everyday when I can just get it done with in a week and be done for good, well that didn't happen. It was a horrific nightmare how I felt. I can't tell you what to do but tapering is worth a try. I know the feeling if slipping though. I want to cheat so badly right now but I just keep thinking about the prize. I want to have "natural" energy and never need to take anything ever again!! I wish you the best of luck and stay on this forum because there are so many great people that will support you!!! You can do it, we all can do it:)

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by reese4, Aug 14, 2013
okay, I am very new to this posting stuff (have never done so b4 on any webpage or forum. I don't even have a facebook page. but after pages and pages I read about similar issues and thoughts I felt maybe this forum could help me in whatever I decide to do. I was on 4 10mg (the big ones anyway) of hydrocodone for aprox 10 years. And I would abuse it and run out early which would **** me off but only at myself for taking too many. I had anxiety when I ran out, but actually physically nothing happened. Then my Dr moved away on me and a pain specialist gave me 5 mg 4 x's day and along the way we went to 7.5 per day 6. Went along ok with that for quite some time until that dr moved away as well. My new Dr says of course we need to get off the vicodin and he will replace with Tramadol. Why in the world is the government arguing with Dr's on what they prescribe of Vicodin but not Tramadol? When I would run out of the Vic's I was pissed off at myself but fine. I run out of Tram's and it is pure hell. Flu like symptoms, RLS which most of you know means restless leg syndrome but thought I would put it in for someone new to this subject.......so anyway, now I abuse the Tram's, as I have taken 30 50mg tablets today. OMG my heart keeps skipping beats and I have the most horrible indigestion. I don't mean just eat a Tums or rolaid I mean burping every 5-10 seconds. Gets very annoying and it hurts too. So does the heart skipping beats.....hurts too. My husband actually kept asking me if I was ready to go to the ER, stating indigestion that bad is not normal. Of course I refused the trip to the ER as I am sure they would have found my overdose or over medicating problem. Which to say the least is made very easy to do via online international ordering. After finding how/where to order online it took me awhile to order from different websites so I would always have a ready supply but I am not independently wealthy, so it is getting quite expensive and not real good for my marriage because I have to pick it up at the post office b4 we get something in the mail about a pkg waiting there. I've tried to explain b4 that i was just getting a 30dy supply and he surprisingly dropped the discussion then in getting a notice about the next order he asked what I had waiting at the post office and ifhe could pick it up for me......I quickly discouraged him from that but I have another order that will get here next week and don't need the ?'s again. Don't get me wrong. We have been married 33 years and it is a good marriage. He gets really mad when something is hurting or harming those he loves so he wld flip if he knew I took 30 pills today. And yes I have chronic migraines, bad arthritis in my neck, shoulders, and lower back.  I want to say WAAH here. but I've always had something for the pain and the euphoria is, and was a bonus. Since Tram's r so week I take way too many.....obviously. Since I have at this moment 240 pills and 240 will b here in 1 week, and I get a refill on the 26th, what would you all suggest I do? I know you r going to say get rid of them and I am almost ready to but I surely don't want the awful dt's

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by indoctrinated, Aug 15, 2013
reese, I hope everything is okay. Thirty tablets is quite a hefty dose. Only you can tell if you need emergency treatment. Nobody else. If you were to go to the ER, I imagine you're scared of the stigma attached to an overdose and the strain it may cause on your marriage. Its a bad situation. It would be a window of opportunity to reach out for help however. You seem to be taking quite a bit of tram. I would most definitely attempt a taper. Perhaps yourhusband will be compassionate in this goal and will hand out daily doses to you. Its the safest way.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 15, 2013
Needless to say I failed. Within 30 minutes of being in pre-op with my wife I ran to the bathroom and swallowed 100mg. I'm going to have to go two daysCT soon to be able to make it to refill date. I haven't gone a single day without tram, or hydrocodone as backup when im out in over a year. Not sure when I'm going to get these two days done, but will definitely come here and let you all know how the CT is going. Scared, angry.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 15, 2013
Back again, I can relate to your story in so many ways. I have dreamt about tram as well. Typically when I'm running low I will dream about getting a whole bottle. This has happened mainly during forced CT WDs while counting down days to a refill. I know exactly how you feel. You also hit the nail on the head by stating you wake yourself up at 5am just to get your dose going. Only difference for me is I don't go back to sleep. Work or no work, I stay awake and find it impossible to get my day going. I also agree with you on high stress situations. If I have a whole bottle and a stressful even arises you bet your hide I'm binging like crazy. And tbh I definitely would not dream of taking a vacation without a full bottle of tram. No way. We're in the same situation except for the ordering online. I get 120 tablets from a doctor. I go every 4 months for a renewel. Typically with 3 refills. It used to be 5 refills, but laws regarding tramadol have changed drastically in my state. We need to get off this poison. I've tried before but failed because I really didn't want to. Deep down I wanted to continue this rollercoaster. Back in 2005 I was forced into WD and actually finished the physical WD. At the tail end my refill was due and of course I continued...

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by epoc, Aug 15, 2013
Well, I have been on and off the tramadol rollercoaster for 14 years now. I just recently finished my seasonal job so I figured this would be as good of a time to cold turkey as ever. It has been 74 hours since my last dose of tramadol.

I have gotten maybe 2 hours of sleep over the past 3 days. Severe RLS and anxiety, and depression so crippling I've been lying in bed 80% of the day. I have also been a daily cannabis user for about the same amount of time (late 90s)

Today is my first day off marijuana. I figure if I am going to torture myself with cold turkey I might as well kill two birds with one stone.



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by epoc, Aug 15, 2013
Oh, I forgot to mention that I live with a person with a virtually endless script of tramadol. There are hundreds lying around the house at anytime. I think the longest I have ever quit was about 3 weeks before I finally ended up giving in. I don't feel like going into to much detail but these living arrangements are impossible to change right now.

I have told the person I live with in the past that I had a problem with tramadol and to please lock them up or I will inevitably take some. The problem is that the person doesn't view my tramadol use as a problem and actually thinks it helps me live my life. So basically, even though I have admitted to this person that I this situation makes quitting 100x more difficult they pretty much refuse to lock up their pills. The best I have got them to do was "hide" them for awhile, which pretty much just meant putting them in a drawer.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 15, 2013
Epic, I remember being forced into WD several times the past decade (still using tram) and I know first hand the hell you're going through. I'll be going through it again myself. I wanted to comment on the marijuana use. I got into marijuana when I was 16...a year after I became dependant on tramadol. I smoked along with it but mainly at night. I must say quitting marijuana is easy. Piece of cake compared to tram. I'm sure you know this. I finally quit smoking marijuana November 2012 and noticed no physical withdrawal just cravings that went away a week off of it. Wish tram was this easy. As for your living conditions....wow....idk what say about that. I really don't. That is a sticky situation.

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by reese4, Aug 15, 2013
indoctrinated, ty for that response. I am definitely not going to take 30 in one day ever again. But the really hard part will be not taking them at all. Over the years my husband has helped me by dishing out my pills and hiding them. I feel so low when I actually go looking for them. But he has gotten pretty sneaky as of late. I don't dare ask him to do that with the Tramadol, as my script is for 6 a day and I don't think I can even do only 6 yet. I already got help with coming off the vicodin and clonapin/xanax. Work even gave me 3 mo off to deal with it. But I started back up with the Tram once I got back to work. What happened to the old days when u went to work, did ur job the best u could and went home to enjoy ur family. I have worked as a customer service rep with a landline phone company for 18yrs now. I get great pay but it so is not worth it when every second of the day involves some call flow script that some idiot dreamed up and if I don't follow it to the letter, I am in trouble. Computer tracking keeps record of everything and my company expects perfection. There are other reps there with 20-30 years....very good employees that are in danger of losing there job because of attendance or not offering sales because the place breeds negativity. That is so why every other call I answer I find myself reaching into my purse for another pill. If one is good, 2 will do better and it becomes a vicious cycle. Thanks to all who listen. I have absolutely no one I can talk to about my addition.

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by reese4, Aug 15, 2013
oh, and here is me whining again. I think what I am really doing is trying to talk myself into getting off of them. since I found the way to order more than my prescripted amount I have lost 22lbs. Truly I did not need to do that, as at 54 years of age I now look like a wrinkled stick woman. I used to pride myself in how I was presented but now just don't give a **** I throw up on a daily basis and the other end is a problem too.......so why do we think they are worth taking. I come from a long line of prescription abusers (which is no excuse) My sister is so doped up all the time you could say she isn't even on this planet. I at least can say with Tramadol I don't act like I am doped up. But I would like to find out what normal life is like without a drug dependancy. I could use all the encouraging I can get, as right now I am so wishy washy about this. I want to taper down and then I think "how will I make it through a day at work." I used to love my job. When they didn't demand that I answer a call a certain way and set the stage (that's for being able to bring up a sale later) resolving the customer's concern, getting the sale and closing the call with branding. When they left me alone, out of 1000 employees I was considered in the top 20 for sales and customer service. Now I am about to get fired as I have been written up for everything. I have always prided myself in if doing a job do it well or not at all, and I still believe I am doing that, yet they still want to fire me. Probably because they want the high payed employees out. God I am so frustrated. Sorry to have gone on and on.

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by eko2013, Aug 15, 2013
I have been addicted to tramadol for about 5yrs after the death of my father I was
rushed to hospital with unexplainable pain in my tummy. Honestly I now realise
it was probably stress! But I was prescribed tramadol, I can still remember sitting on
my dads bed having taken my fist pills and having a happy mellow feeling for the first time
since I heard the news!
I live in west Africa where life is extremely stressful and I miss home (UK) I know I need to come
off it and can always manage a few days but once the constipation has vanished I start the feelings
of withdrawal the depression and panic attacks are the worst! I just hibernate in my bed! Please will
tapering off help me better in this situation? Would I need to come off Tramadol before I can treat the
depression or can they medicate the depression to assist my rehab?

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by epoc, Aug 15, 2013
> Would I need to come off Tramadol before I can treat the
depression or can they medicate the depression to assist my rehab?


You can start depression/anxiety medication while coming off tramadol but before you start taking anything else it is worth remembering that depression/anxiety medication is difficult to come off as well.

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by reese4, Aug 15, 2013
     epoc, I wanted to comment on your roommate. I at the moment cannot fathom what I will b able to handle once I am off of the Tramadol, but you are going to need a tremendous amount of will power and faith in yourself. And I know words are easier said then done. Best of luck to you.
     And I have not addressed the question on depression you guys cause that part I have no idea on. I have been on prestiq for couple years yet I still have thoughts that no one gives a ***** about me and that my family would be better off without me.

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by waterview4326, Aug 15, 2013
Hello my tramadol friends


   I have not posted in a week or so but I wanted to say I got to 30 days today free of tramadol. I am posting this because I lurked on here for a LONG time before I posted. I do want to say this has been NO walk in the park. I remember when I first was going through withdrawls I would see people post on the addiction forum 4 days and I hear the birds singing, well that was NOT me, if I had read those posts and compared my journey to theirs then I would have been a mess. I am in my mid 50's and my addiction was not as bad as some BUT it was heck getting to 0 trams. I tapered from 5 pills down to O in a 2 month period, dropping 1/4 pill every few days. I just wanted to say it does not matter HOW you get off these pills, when you get to O pills, you do feel the symptoms. I felt the symptoms all the way down in my taper. The worst for me has been the overall depression that comes from trams. Reese I can't tell you how many times I questioned even being here, I KNEW it was tram talking but when I FEEL it , it is very real. My first week off I had the lead legs, like walking through quicksand, very simple tasks were almost impossible to do, just making the bed was so hard, that dreaded fatique for me lasted 2 weeks. After that then the rages came, crazy rages, I would have to find a spot in my house and literally just fall apart, just like it would come on it would leave, I really thought I would not make it, really at times it was dark.

   The reason I am saying all this is to let anybody know who is reading that it passes.  All the emotions I felt were just part of the process of tramadol leaving my body. I lost myself in my tram addiction, I was extraverted, by the end of my addiction, I had no close friends anymore. All the things I loved to do I no longer did, tram was my only friend in the end. Now I am faced with being sober and dealing with all the problems I was using tram for. However my point to all this is you can move on from this addiction.

  Today at 4 weeks I don't feel great but I feel pretty good. I can go about my whole day and not feel that extreme fatique, gosh I am so greatful for that. In the beginning I could not fathom what I did today, I have made huge progress. I no longer wake up grabbing that tram by my nightstand to start my day, no longer counting pills, no lying, really I am just so happy in that. It really does get so much better. I can go up and down my stairs with ease, cook supper, take care of my family all on NATURAL energy. So if you are reading know if I can do it so can you. I was terribly emotionally and physically addicted.

  Also a huge thank you to this forum, I have vented my feelings here for awhile now. To the veteran members who came here and told me HOW I could deal with these symptoms a big thank you to you, Emily, FourJays<Victorious, all of your wisdom helped me get to these 30 days.

   To all of you here please know these symptoms are temporary I promise and I have such a long way to go but I am working through it. The depression is very real so if you are reading and experiencing depression it is normal, I actually never had depression until I got of tram. So I just wanted to share my experience and hope it helps someone else become free of this drug.

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by epoc, Aug 16, 2013
In about 40 minutes it'll be 4 days since my last dose of tramadol. Feel terrible but I'm alive so I guess it is a good day

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by indoctrinated, Aug 16, 2013
epoc congrats! From what I've read and from my own experience through countless forced WD the past decade, the physical stuff should start slowing down for you soon! 4 days is a milestone! I am completely out of my own tram until the 28th. I am taking hydrocodone instead. I would continue using the hydrocodone to get me through to the 28th but I can't because I begin training for a job on the 26th and a drug test will be involved sometime after the 26th. So later next week I have to set aside the hydroxodone and just detox off of tram. I already know whats in store for me! Will I have the willpower to not pick up my refill on the 28th? Idk...I honestly don't

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by indoctrinated, Aug 16, 2013
water view...30 days!!!! That is beyond incredible! I take it most if not all of your physical symptoms aregone? Now yyou're dealing with mental anguish and peaks and valleys

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by waterview4326, Aug 16, 2013
Yes indoctrinated it is a mental battle now. I still have MOMENTS of RLS, but they are moments, moments of extreme fatique, but just MOMENTS.  The mental stuff is in moments also, like thinking really negative, like my family does not love me, CRAZY stuff, in the moment I believe it, then it just leaves me. I can't begin to say how hard this journey has been but I am so happy inside to be free. At 31 days I feel good, I can only imagine 3 months.  I am so glad to have this place to vent, it has been my saving grace for months. Have a good weekend!!!!!!1

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by indoctrinated, Aug 16, 2013
If you've read my last post waterview, I have a tramadol detox coming up. Again I've been on this stuff a decade, and had instances of forced WD...just like the one coming up. Right now I am using hydrocodone for the tram WD. It works...but so many peaks and valleys and I actually miss the tram. I'm out of tram until the 28th....and I can't just ride it all out comfortably with hydrocodone until then this time around. I'm scared of WD...and even though I'm no stranger to it please keep me in your thoughts. I'm thinking about starting the detox tomorrow instead of later next week so maybe I can feel somewhat better when 40 hour training class starts on the 26th. What I'm saying is please keep me in your thoughts and any advice and I pray I findthe willpower to not pick iup my tram refill on the 28th

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by waterview4326, Aug 16, 2013
I will keep you in my thoughts indoctrinated. I know how hard it is to let this drug go.  I too was no stranger to the withdrawls, I went CT before I decided to taper off these pills. This was by far the hardest thing I have ever faced myself. I am no chicken, mid 50's and it was difficult. One thing I want to say is it is JUST temprorary how you feel. I KNOW when we are in it it seems like it will NEVER end, but it does. One thing that kept me taking the pills was FEAR of the withdrawls. Please know at least for me the FEAR was worse than the withdrawls themselves. I got dowm to 1/8 of a pill and it was HECK just letting that go, it was crazy. Once I just EMBRACED I was going to feel like poo for a few days then I just hunkered down and did it. I kept my expectations VERY low, it was hard doing simple things, however indoctrinated I did it and so can you. It truly is possible.to be free of this evil drug. I got to the point I really was sick and tired of NEVER being able to go out of town etc. without my pills. I simply can't express how just that is joyful on it's own.

   You can do this, just know that you can treat each symptom as it comes, for me the fatique was the worse, I have to PUSH myself, I have to be strong, please know you are in my thoughts

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by indoctrinated, Aug 17, 2013
Waterview, yes I know it will be hard at first for me to let go too. I remember the first time I felt tram when I was FIFTEEN. Back then, I knew the term addiction, but I didn't know continuous use would lead to dependence with horrible symptoms when coming off. First time I felt withdrawal I had just turned sixteen. Didn't know what it was. I decided to go ahead and take some that day....an hour later I felt better. Should have quit then because withdrawal wasn't as severe as it is these days. Over the years I've had countless forced WD. You know, running out early, and have used many, many opioids to ward off those WDs. Some worked better than others. Even while under the influence of the big boys like hydro, oxy, morphine, I still missed tram and still counted down to RX date. In January 2012 I had a period of forced WD and stupidly use methadone! 10mg in AM, then another 10mg in the PM. After 2nd dose of it I almost freaked out because my breathing felt weird. I will say it helped the most for the tram WD of them all and had the longest effect, but not something I'd do again. Even though most of these make you feel great....there is something about tram (probably opioid and antidepressant synergy) that is way better in terms of abuse. I am sick of the rollercoaster though. Of getting RX filled, binging, then freaking out and counting pills. I just want to be like others....normal...not needing tram to wake up, deal with kids, work, cleaning, and just LIVING

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by epoc, Aug 17, 2013
Day 5 off a cold turkey and last night I actually got ~5 hours of much needed sleep. Hope everyone is doing well.

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by poopieskoopie, Aug 17, 2013
Damnadol, that's what I call it!! Sneaky little bastards designed to reel you in..."Take these", my doctor says, "They are not addictive".

Ok, so the damage is done and I'm back on the coaster again. What to do?? I either "bite the bullet"(hunker down for 30 in some psych ward) or trade off to suboxone. Mmmmm.....pay now or pay later???? Can't afford to pay now so I'll opt for the subs and when I get a 30 day vacation I'll pull out the klonopin and switch rides.

The nastiest thing about these little pests is they affect serotonin which in turn increases anxiety when you put them away. Subs don't deal with this. Using an antidepressant that specifically targets anxiety, such as Celexa, really does help.

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by epoc, Aug 17, 2013
Hey poopieskoopie,

I ended up trying to detox from tramadol with sub once. It did an OK job. It won't cover things like brain zaps, but it makes the experience much more tolerable.

My problem is that I started taking tramadol with the sub. Unlike true opiates, you can mix suboxone and tramadol without it throwing you into withdrawal. They actually synergize in an incredible way. Long story short, I spent over $1000 on suboxone (sub is EXPENSIVE, docs are expensive, and I lack insurance) with the intent of getting off tramadol but in the end I ended up staying on the tram and having to withdrawal from the bupernorphine which is no fun either.

If you have self control and not the drug addict tendencies that I do maybe you can make it work. Keep in mind though, many sub doctors will NOT put a person on buprenorphine for tramadol addiction. It is kind of akin to giving someone methadone for codeine withdrawal, a bit overkill. Not to mention most doctors don't even take tram withdrawal seriously.

I actually had to go buy some Percocet off the street before seeing the doctor because I couldn't find a doctor that would prescribe bupe without first giving a urine test dirty for opiates. Tram won't show up on a drug test as an opiate (it won't show up at all unless they specifically look for it, actually.)

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by epoc, Aug 17, 2013
Oh, and when I say I spent $1000 on the sub doctor and actual sub itself this was only for ~6 weeks of treatment. Honestly, even if you can afford it, I think tapering directly off tramadol may be a better plan than using sub.

To each their own though. Best of luck getting off this trash!

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by Molytex, Aug 17, 2013
Hi everybody

Tremendous battles are being fought - no doubt about that. I am at day 20 and I can say to a 99% certainty that IT DOES GET BETTER!- that little b-a-s-t-a-r-d of a devils pill can be beaten into submission...

Seeing for the first time that there are so many types of people caught by this. I want to mention 2 things:

1. Antidepressants - I can absolutely recommend this - I have been on Efexor XR for many years (well treated chronic depression) and I'm sure that it is the reason why my physical w/d's were well manageable and why I dont experience brainzaps... My nemesis is anxiety/depression - hit me with those two and I will do anything to get away. Thats why my psychological w/d's take longer and those are my primary obstacles... What I want to say is that unless you really dont like AD's seriously consider taking them for this battle AND if you are allready in treatment with AD's dont ever consider going of these as well as the tramadol..

2. A little quote from Shakespeare to encourage :

"Let me embrace thee, sour adversity, for wise men say it is the wisest course. "

Molytex

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by epoc, Aug 17, 2013
Ending up drinking a six pack and smoking some marijuana tonight. I am not to pleased with myself, but I didn't take any tramadol. I'll have 6 days clean from tram tomorrow morning.

I think I need to address the issue that even if I stop one drug I will always crave some kind of intoxicant. I am definitely a drug addict; the question is what to do about it.

I am convinced that spending half my life, and my entire adult life on pharmaceuticals has caused some kind of structural change in the brain that will always crave drugs. I know the best thing to do is stay sober, but it is easier than it sounds. I am afraid I will die young.  

Best wishes to everyone going through this tram struggle!  

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by indoctrinated, Aug 18, 2013
epoc, don't beat yourself up. I began experimenting at a young age, too. First drug I tried was a mixture of amphetamine salts (Adderall) when I was 14. Luckily addiction never occurred because I began to have some nasty side effects heart wise. So I got away from that. I tried several things. Tramadol just ended up being my favorite. Congrats on 6 days tram-free coming up! I actually haven't had tram since the 15th of this month. Not by choice...I ran out early. It doesn't count though because I've been using hydrocodone to keep WD at bay. Which just delays the process. I'm terrified though...because i can't coast through this with the hydro until refill (due the 28th) because like I said I begin a 40 hour class for a job on the 26th and a drug test will be involved sometime after the 26th and I don't want hydro to show up and it would...they do in-depth testing. So...probably Wednesday...I'm going to have to go CT. By the time my tram refill would be filled I would be 7 days off....and I'm guessing most of the WD will be easing up by then. I plan to NOT get this refill. I'm terrified of WD right now because how awful I began to feel at midnight. Started taking more hydro at 6am and its much more tolerable....CT is going to be hell. Its going to be so hard to keep up with my wife, two children and one step child. On a more positive note....I have been tapering off of Xanax (almost done!). Which has been easy because I don't crave the feeling Xanax gives. If only tapering off of tram was that easy...maybe I'd still have plenty left to not have to go CT. Any advice on comfort meds for tram WD?. I've been there before... but never been this scared! I may be using hydro the past few days, but this is undoubtedly tram WD I'm feeling between doses and late night, early mornings.

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by epoc, Aug 18, 2013
>CT is going to be hell. Its going to be so hard to keep up with my wife, two children and one step child.

I am lucky enough to be in a situation where I don't have any real responsibilities (only online classes this semester). I can't imagine doing a CT if I was in your situation. The only thing that makes it *really* hard for me to stop is the fact that my roommate keeps a plentiful supply of tramadol less than 20 feet from where I'm now sitting. The temptation is there all the time.

> Any advice on comfort meds for tram WD

Well, normally I would advise benzos as a main short term (7-10 days) comfort med for acute withdrawal but if you are tapering down you obviously don't want more of those. I personally am on diazepam, have been for about a year, I am more or less tapering but unlike you I do crave that benzo feeling. I hope to be off the diaz in a couple months on 9/20, that is the day I got back on benzos again last year.

Neurontin/Lyrica can help if you can get ahold of them. loperamide, clonidine, promethazine or hydroxizine may help you as well. Pretty much all of those are prescription except for loperamide but they are obtainable.  

For me, coffee kinda helped me out through withdrawal. Many people are sensitive to the caffeine and it amps up there withdrawal but for whatever reason I don't have that issue.

Good luck

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by indoctrinated, Aug 18, 2013
Epoc, I wish I could use the benzos for the acute phase, but drug test any time after the 26th and I need to be off the Xanax by the upcoming week, which is plausible. I have loperamide, hydroxyzine, and Valerian, but I'm afraid the Valerian may hinder the benzo taper. I also heard Zofran, an antiemetic that is a serotonin antagonist may help opioid WD, but I'm not sure how it'd do for tram WD. Zofran can reduce the effectiveness of tram so that leads me tobelieve it may make tram WD even more didifficult? That is all I have. You have amazing willpower for not giving into the tram during WD. I don't know if I could do that so certainly do not beat yourself up for alcohol and a bit of marijuana

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by indoctrinated, Aug 18, 2013
Do vitamin B complex and serotonin supplements work as well as I've heard?

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by indoctrinated, Aug 18, 2013
I have 5-HTP and it wasn't cheap. Max strength.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 19, 2013
Hey everyone,

Congrats to all of you who are 4 days off of Tramadol or longer...:) I cannot wait until I am done with this. I am currently tapering and it is still hell. What helps the anxiety? I have neevr had anxiety before but it is really during this taper, I feel like I can't breathe sometimes. Does anti-depressants work for anxiety. My OB wouldn't do a slower taper with me but she said she was willing to put me an an AD to help...I said no at the time but will it help with the w/d's? I don't want to get on anything that I am going to have a hard time getting off though. Have a great day everyone!

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by Molytex, Aug 19, 2013
Hey Kylie

I would definitely recommend AD if possible - usually it takes 2 - 4 weeks before you can tell if it works but sometimes it goes a little faster...

It depends on how you feel about AD's.. I have been on AD's for the last 13 years of my life and I have realized together with my psychiatrists over the years that I will probably never be off them again. So I am comfortable with AD's and I can't wait till they work 100% again - Trams act in exactly the same way so my tram habbit kicked the s-h-i-t out of my usual AD's...

Emily made it all the way of AD's as well...

My AD's is what allows me to KNOW that the bad things in my head - the irrational thoughts, are exactly that.. irrational. The irrational mood swings are that - irrational...

So it is a personal choice

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by epoc, Aug 19, 2013
I'd just like to point out that the usage of SSRI's while on tramadol:

"Tramadol and antidepressants. The coadministration of antidepressants with tramadol appears to heighten the risk for seizures. When Boyd examined 83 cases of tramadol-associated seizures, he found that nearly half occurred in the presence of other prescribed drugs; more than 50 percent of these coadministered drugs were antidepressants (i.e., selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors [SSRIs], tricyclic antidepressants [TCAs], venlafaxine, bupropion).19 Therefore, in individuals taking tramadol, concomitant treatment with antidepressants, especially TCAs or SSRIs, should be undertaken with caution."

source @ http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2714818/

I'd also like to say that anti-depressants have their own withdrawal syndrome to contend with as well. Your brain can't rebuild it's natural neurophysiology and your neurotransmitters can't begin to restore to homeostasis until you get off all psych drugs.

Do a cost/benefit analysis. It is true some people need other medication to make it through withdrawal but you don't want to trade the devil you know for the devil you don't. *DO YOUR RESEARCH BEFORE STARTING ANY NEW MEDICATION*.

> I have been on AD's for the last 13 years of my life and I have realized together with my psychiatrists over the years that I will probably never be off them again.

That's a scary thought. I have been on psych meds for 14 years myself and I planned to stay on a few of them for the rest of my life. The problem is, each and every one of them eventually turned on me. I actually find it kind of surprising you have been on AD's that long and they are still effective, but obviously we all have different brain chemistry.

Anyway, I have one week tramadol free as of this morning. I wish everyone the best.



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by FourJays, Aug 19, 2013
Hi Kylie,

I know it is hard, but you are doing a great job with your taper!  How many trams per day are you down to now?  How many more days to go?  I agree that an AD may help you out for sure, especially with the emotional side of this.  Having been through this many times over the last decade or so (before my final quit 9 months ago), I honestly believe that to some extent, the anxiety is just an inevitable part of the process getting off this med - the opiate part.  There are things I did that helped ALOT; such as hot baths, exercise (I know you are limited there), lots of bananas, vitamin water, fresh air, supplements - magnesium and 5HTP.  Of course with supplements, you should talk to your doctor first.  The 5HTP was really helpful - BUT - should NOT be taken until you are completely off the tramadol.  It works on serotonin levels in a way similar to the tram and too much can be really dangerous.  It did help though, a lot.  Talk to your doctor; maybe it is an option for you as soon as you are done with the taper.  I know you are struggling and I feel for you; but please give yourself a huge amount of credit.  You are doing something (tapering), that many, including me, were never able to do.  Every minute of this will be worth it.  My younger sister just had twins last Tuesday.  They are perfect and beautiful and every reason in the world to hang in there (and I know you know this).  This will be over soon and will all be worth it; hard to realize right this moment, but it SO will - and it will be forever.  You will NEVER have to feel this way or go through this again.  I think you are awesome......!

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by epoc, Aug 19, 2013
> I honestly believe that to some extent, the anxiety is just an inevitable part of the process getting off this med - the opiate part.

Extreme anxiety is also a common symptom of anti-depressant withdrawal. If anxiety/insomnia are your main issues you may want to look into short term (7-10 days) use of benzodiazepenes to get through the worst of it rather then starting an anti-depressant regiment.

I hate to harp, but before filling any prescription to help ease withdrawals make sure you research the withdrawal symptoms of that medication as well. There are dozens of message boards dedicated to people suffering from SSRI withdrawal. Ironically, Effexor, a drug closely related to tramadol; is supposed to have the one of the most unpleasant and long withdrawal syndromes of any of the anti-depressants.

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by Molytex, Aug 19, 2013
I am absolutely convinced that the bulk of my problem in regards to w/d's andTram's is the fact that it is Efexor XR I have been on the last 8 years... By taking Tramadol I inadvertently raised the levels of Serotonin in my brain and since Efexor and Tramadol affects the noradrenaline and the dopamin when taken in high doses I have messed with those 2 as well...

When I CT'ed the tramadol my brain had to go through tramadol and Efexor w/d until it reaches the same stabil level it was at before I messed with tram's...

So I must agree with Epoc - w/d from Efexor XR must be hell so I am glad I don't have to... although this leveling out is still bad enough :o(

Oh.. by doing Efexor XR and Tramadol I left myself wide open to serotonin syndrom - thank God that didn't happen to me..

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by indoctrinated, Aug 19, 2013
Day 1 CT, for me, begins Wednesday. Terrified....yet oddly excited for the journey and hoping I feel a bit better by Monday (the 26th) so I can begin this 40 hour training class without feeling to intense. Will definitely be checking in once I take the dive.

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by FourJays, Aug 19, 2013
Indoctrinated - you CAN do this!  Many people say (me included), that the fear of the withdrawal is worse than the actual process.  Stock up on the Thomas Recipe items and other comforts.  I have read your story and it is really similar to mine, except that I am twice your age and was taking over 40 pills a day when I quit cold turkey.  I started taking Tramadol about 15 years ago for back pain.  My tolerance developed quickly and became dependent on them fast.  I cant even count how many times I tried to taper, CT or quit in any way possible.  Just like you, even the stronger opiates were as not as good as my Tramadol.  I had cervical spinal fusion surgery in June of 2012, at which time I was on a Fentanyl patch with a Dilaudid IV and STILL nothing worked like the Tramadol (which I actually snuck in the hospital with me - that is how SICK I was - NOT proud to say, but sadly enough, completely true).  

You are SO doing the right thing by getting off this med NOW while you are young.  I would never recommend CT to anyone at the doses I was taking, but it was the only way for me.  My detox was intense, but I made it through just fine.  I DID experience seizures from Tramadol; however it was from overdoses of the med, not from the cold turkey quit.  Kudos to you for only getting up to 350 mg per day over a 10 year time frame.  That is doable CT (IMO); wont be fun, but there is absolutely NO easy way to get off this medication once dependent; whether you are taking 4 per day or 40.

I will also tell you that cutting your source is a must.  I know it is scary, but if you have access to an active script, or even the hydros, your sobriety will be in constant jeopardy.  It was the "game changer" for me after all the failed attempts.  I told my husband on day 2 and my doctor on day 4.  It was the ONLY way I could be sure I would not take them again - to cut my source and tell my secret.  I understand that you don't want to tell your wife; and that is truly a personal decision.  But PLEASE at least cancel that script.  Otherwise in a moment of weakness, and you will have them - Tramadol does NOT like to let go - you will call and get a refill.  

Coming up on 9 months clean, I still have occasional "bad" days.  But I had bad days before I ever took one of those evil pills.  This is not going to be any kind of cakewalk, but you CAN do this.  Believe me, if I can, you can!  Honestly, I never thought I could do it, but I did.  A few days or even weeks of feeling bad are SO worth what you will get in return - a clean and sober life, free of this awful med, free of the stress, strain, and chains of addiction.  It IS a great time for you to do this . . don't fear it, just do it!  Keep posting for support as you go through - you are not alone!  Good luck :))

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by indoctrinated, Aug 19, 2013
FourJays- your response means the world to me. You're right about getting rid of sources. Tram is next to impossible to find on the street and the hydro.... I get for free....from my mother. I feel so guilty about it, too....because I need at least 45-50mg of it a day and it cuts into her supply. Tram seems to have a bit of cross-tolerance with the more potent opiods. I promised her today that I won't be asking again and told her about my upcoming detox. She doesn't completely understand it, but she knows that I use the hydro 5 or 10 days out of the month to make through when Irun out of tram early. My tram is from a valid prescription and i do plan to talk to the doctor ASAP. I'm not sure I want to tell him I'm going CT though. That script needs to be canceled though. Thank you for the support, friend. I have enough hydro for the rest of today and tomorrow....then on Wed....CT hits. You have no idea how bad I want to tell my wife, but before we were married, we split up for 3 months last summer BECAUSE of tram. It sometimes makes me feel agitated...and I took it out on her. We faught all of the time. Now the agitation isn't that bad of a side effect. Idk why. She's going to think I've lost my mind when I don't sleep well the upcoming week. I could break down and tell her, but I'm afraid how that would go and extra stress will not be needed during the beginning of CT as you well know. Thank you again for responding. I will most definitely keep checking in during my CT process. I am seriously sick and tired of this. Never thought I'd say it....but I'm sick and tired of it! :)

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by indoctrinated, Aug 19, 2013
^ Also, I can relate to your past failed attempts at CT. I was actually here in December 2010 attempting to quit (under a different username) and was just curious.... do madtram and finallyfred still come around?

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by FourJays, Aug 19, 2013
Indoctrinated - I think you have a great attitude and I KNOW you can do this!  Great job on telling your Mom about the detox, etc.  Now, just be sure to tell her to hide those hydro's and never let you have one no matter how hard you beg, plead, promise, etc....LOL.  But seriously, I would do that.  Tramadol really is the most evil and insidious med on the planet and it does not like to lose the battle.  I swear it is as if it KNOWS, and will attack at even the slightest sense of perceived weakness.  I totally understand about not telling your wife at this point.  As you know, the detox symptoms are really similar to the flu and many of us have passed it of as such to unknowing spouses, family, etc.  I really do hope that someday you can tell her; it is such a bummer to have a secret (especially considering what you two have been through with this whole thing in the past).  My husband and family always knew I was taking pills because of all the medical issues I have had, they just had NO idea how many and how deeply addicted I was.  When I broke down and told him he was upset and hurt, but I actually think it explained a lot to him.  I printed out some info on Tramadol and a few pages from this journal and gave him some time.  Since then, he has been my rock and number #1 fan.

There is another thing I wanted to mention to you; yet another reason why quitting is SO in your best interest right now (as if there is ever a bad time - NOT!).  You have a family with young children, right?  Please don't let Tramadol steal the time away.  I lost over 10 years with my daughters - their formidable years - numbed out on this drug.  I was there, but not really.  They are now young adults and I will never get that time back.  Among the many regrets I have, this is definitely the biggest, and I am still struggling to forgive myself and live with this.  Please don't make this mistake.  You have the choice - and the power - to write a different ending to your 'story'.  So, good luck on Wednesday.  Keep posting as much as you need, anytime you need support.  We are here for you

Julie


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by FourJays, Aug 19, 2013
And, yes I have heard of and read posts from both of these members.  I don't know that I've seen anything lately, but I could easily have missed them :)

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by EmilyPost, Aug 19, 2013
Indoctrinated, FinallyFred hasn't been around for some time but he was and is an amazing person.  Last time I saw him I was in a Klonopin withdrawal phase (when I went radio silent) and Mad Tram is and was here a few months back.  She was having some trouble and started a journal of her own to support some sobriety she wanted with dextromethorphan.

Both helped everyone they spoke to.  Both helped everyone they told their story to.  And soon you going thru your own journey will help people.  Be assured, it will be short lived ... the ultimate misery.  

Like FourJays has said, I also have only heard (first hand) of tramadol causing seizure during severe uptake in dose.  I know it is ... popular ... to say that cold turkey is causing seizures.  (and Cold turkey off  benzos will kill ya ... ) But from what I heave read and heard what happens is that people try to decrease a dose and then take a ton of Tram all at once.  

Molytex I think you are possibly thinking about me coming off small doses of AD for chronic pain?  I did come off benzos.  After Tramadol. Klonopin.  But I didn't add an AD to the mix to help me get thru tram withdrawal. I support anyone who faces serious clinical depression in taking anything they need to stay alive and breathing.  But I would not say that I am ... too gung ho on taking a different pill to replace tramadol.  I think everyone is different of course ...

Whatever it takes ...

I wanted to live without having to count out pills or take pills to replace other pills.  

The worst part of making the choice to quit is right before you realize you're at rock bottom.  Once you realize that, even though there's physical misery there's a realization that life will get better.  Because you'll make it better by getting off the Rat Tram.



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by indoctrinated, Aug 19, 2013
I've definitely heard of tram seizures...and seizures during CT. I've never experienced seizures either way, but its still Kind of worrisome. :/ to top that off as you know I'm tapering off of Xanax. Almost done with that. I NEED to be off of it by this week. Down to 0.5mg a day from 1.5mg a day. As I said there is no liking the feeling of benzos so the taper has been relatively easy. I may have to jump off 0.5 or possibly 0.25mg this week. Kind of worries me, but such low doses maybe I won't have much to worry about.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 20, 2013
Hey guys,

Feeling really low tonight, feeling like I am never going to be off of this drug. I am still at 3 a day and when I try to go to 2, I have sever anxiety and make my w/d's worse. This is so hard, especially when I have the aches and pains of 9 month pregnancy. How can I go to 2 pills a day?? I feel like I am always making excuses. For example, we have to go out of town for a wedding this weekend with my entire family. I need to stay on 3 so that I can remain somewhat functional. But there is always going to be something going on in life. The restless legs and anxiety is what scares me, it almost made me crazy when I tried CT that last Sunday. I don't know what to do, I need to be off this drug soon for my baby but it is so hard. Needing some support!

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by Molytex, Aug 20, 2013
Hi Kylie

We are here - always ;o)

I know it has been said before but honestly you are right now doing what many of us has failed to do which is tapering - and instead of focusing on the next couple of days take this day, right now, and focus on today.. compared to 2 months ago or just 1 month realize how far you have come. You are fighting the good fight and you CAN beat this devils pill.

A wise person in here wrote that worrying about tomorrow only accomplishes on thing which is to ruin todays peace and focus ( paraphrasing I know )

Remember Kylie - we believe in you - you can do this.


Emily : Ahh... my fault - I read AD and I think depression/anxiety. I didn't know it was used for chronic pain

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by indoctrinated, Aug 20, 2013
Kylie, please don't be so hard on yourself. Tapering is haaard looong work. You've come a long way. You've made progress! I agree with anybody who says drop as you feel comfortable. Drop half a tablet, half of a half tablet. Whatever it takes. Its not a race. I find tapering extremely difficult. Tried it a long time ago and instantly missed full dose every single time. Bottom line...you're doing it! And guys....wow....WD was bad this morning....makes me more nervous about the jump tomorrow. I have to do this though! This is for my beautiful family's future. My amazing wife. My precious son, and daughter, and stepdaughter. I desperately need to get back to work. I want to be clean, sober, and functional without tram first though....I find I've been quite unreliable sporatically because of this vicious cycle.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 20, 2013
^also for my future! I want so bad to be independent from this junk. A decade been a good run and all but its time to kick it out of my life.

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by FourJays, Aug 20, 2013
Kylie, I totally agree with the above members.  You have been amazing at this tapering thing; I could NEVER have done what you have.  What do you think about Indoctrinated's idea re:  instead of jumping down a whole pill, do a half or a quarter.  Is that possible?  Maybe at least for the big weekend you have coming up so you can stress less and get through it a little more comfortably but still reducing by a little bit (?)

Indoctrinated, you CAN be independent of this "crap on a cracker" (my favorite Emily quote, just cuz it's SO perfect).  Break the cycle......just get it over with.  You can do it; you are stronger than you think.  It's the perfect time to do it; a new job, a new life awaits.  Pulling for you :))

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by Kylie4501, Aug 20, 2013
Well today I saw my Doctor and he gave me more pills to continue my taper slowly. Today I start on 2 pills a day for 5 days, then 1 for 5 days...he gave me 5 extra pills so I will probably cut thos in half and maybe take 1/2 pill for the rest. I think this should be pretty manageable, I hope! At least it is better than going CT from like 5 pills like I did that last Sunday. For this Friday night, I am going to have to take 3 or maybe even 4 so that I can at least sleep. I have not been able to get tp bed before 2-3 am during this taper so it will be misearble if I am in a hotel room with my Hubsand and 15 month old son, not getting any sleep. I know it will mess it up but Saturday I will be right back to 2 again.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 20, 2013
The pain you feel today is the strength you feel tomorrow!!

Thought that was an awesome inspirational quote that pertains to all of us:) Keep going guys, we can do this!!!!!!!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 20, 2013
Kylie, love the quote. I think you're doing fabulous. Try your best to refrain from using that 4th tablet for one day. I'm not certain it will set you back too much, but its possible. My CT begins tomorrow. I'll be feeling it as soon as I open my eyes. Lots of suffering ahead...but I know there is a light at the end. Guess what gets me is during WD I find it hard to even do things that would take my mind off of things. I can't even focus on a video game without wanting to crawl out of my skin. Will keep everybody posted tomorrow

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by Farmgal40, Aug 20, 2013
Wow is it was great to read everyone's posts from yesterday and today. I am on, hmm...day 15 without tram. The emotional aspect has been unbearable at times. I think Fourjays said, this drug "knows" and tries to trick you and will try to get into any weakness.. THAT IS SO TRUE. It keeps me sane coming on here and reading that I am not alone and not the only one who has felt these crazy ways!  My brain has been trying to tell me the last few days (or I should say those evil little tram voices) - "go ahead, just take ONE pill, your two weeks in and so you can now handle just one when you need it" luckily I know that is a lie.  For one, I did not even take them for pain, I took them for the effects - feeling like superwoman and dealing and coping. Second, I had no idea that they had the anti depressant effects, until I came on here a few weeks ago and started reading. It has been such a hard battle w/ the anxeity and depression, I will not take them ever again (I hope, god willling!) because I already feel like I've screwed up my brain chemistry.

I made an appt w/ my Dr. for next week (the soonest I could get in) and going to tell them I do not want anymore tramadol. I was on the fence about asking for an anti depressant as well, because even though life is not as dark and scary as it was on the pills, I still do not really have any joy back in my life yet, and I'm scared I permanently screwed up my brain chemistry and "life" won't come back. I'm so glad for EVERYONE who has posted their experiences on here, because it will help me decide whether or not I dare ask for an AD.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 20, 2013
Farmgal, I know where you're coming from. I, too, am afraid I've messed up my own chemistry especially from beginning tram at the blooming age of 15 yrs old. It's ludacris to think of a teen being dependent on tram....but I was, and still am. We share the same fear in that aspect. You're 15 days in. I wouldn't try to expect too much too soon. Forgive me, but how long were you on tram? Post acute depression and anxiety is common for many substances, and I'm willing to bet tram is relentless in that area. After my acute WD is over I already know there will be sluggishness, depression, and boredom. It's completely up to you if you decide to go the AD route, and theres no doubt they can be effective. Someone else will chime in with better advice than me. I know how gloomy you probably feel. Give it just a little more time. Day 30, 60, 90. Gauge how you feel. I bet you're start to improve as homeostasis is slowly achieved. Then again, perhaps you'll benefit greatly from an AD

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by Molytex, Aug 21, 2013
To choose an AD or not is a personal choice - and it very much depends on what your feelings are towards AD's.. I have read many posts in here and there are all kind of experiences with AD's.

For some people it is a God send and for some it is merely a pill replacing another pill..

In my case it is an absolute positive thing but bear in mind that I have been on AD's the last 13 years and will have to be the rest of my life so I am not concerned with the "a pill replaces another pill" aspect.. I am sure that my AD medicine is what helps me function normally and the reason every day gets a little bit better. I see people at days 30-40-50 describing pretty much where I'm at here 3 weeks out and I attribute that kind of progress primarely to my AD's...

So - a personal choice...

Tram's realy do know how to suck the lifeforce out of you - but normal life WILL return - KEEP ON FIGHTING!

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by waterview4326, Aug 21, 2013
Just wanted to give an update on my journey of getting off tramadol.  I am 36 days today and I feel pretty good. Farmgal the emotional aspects of this drug have been the worst for me. I just did not realize how much the drug had numbed me until I got sober. I wanted to let people who are posting here know at least for me I notice a considerable difference now. I will be honest the first 3 weeks were really rough, fatique, depression, terribly dark thoughts, horrible rages, I was just a mess, but around week 3 it started improving greatly.  Today I just have an ease about myself that I so appreciate. To just think of going to the grocery store overwhelmed me, it was almost to much the first few weeks, now all the normal day to day activities I can do with normalcy. I used to feel like bowling balls were around my ankles, today I don't have that. Today I can cope with things, I don't spiral down, so just know as you are walking through this journey it does get better. I never thought I could do this, if I can at my age so can you.

   I know I have a long way to go to heal but I see the signs that I am healing. I am able to take the day as it comes without a pill, I am in such a place of gratitude over that. The addiction was ruining my life and today I see all the damage I did to my life, I am taking small steps to move forward, I will be honest I am scared to be sober, nothing to buff my problems, however the freedom in getting off these pills is incredible. To all going through this battle, the fear of the withdrawls kept me taking them, the fear was SOOOO much worse than actually walking through it, you can do it, you can get free, I wish everyone luck

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
Day ONE! Such a hard, hard morning. Intense cravings. Stomach cramps. Pretty anxious. A little depressed (which will get worse). All in all, extremely uncomfortable all over... especially legs and arms. The dishes are piled up, this place needs cleaning.... I want to do it....finding it difficult to find inspiration to do it. WD is everything I remember it to be. Today is going to be HARD.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
I keep thinking about all the other times I've gone CT and know it will let up. I remember hopping out of bed on day 5 or 6 in the past and actually feeling a little euphoric as symptoms waned. Bodily functions coming back online perhaps? I'm hoping that happens again. Its getting there that is the hardpart. Can Already tell how emotional I'm going to be. I specifically remember forced CT back in December 2010 and crying for no reason here and there. Oddly enough the intermittent crying was slightly pleasant. Almost a sad/happy cry. Feeling sorry for myself perhaps.

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by waterview4326, Aug 21, 2013
Indoctrinated I remember that first morning so much. I was extremely depressed, it was so hard for me. I had ZERO energy, just walking down the stairs wore me out. One thing that helped me was to seriously NOT expect much those first few days. Like many others on here on pills my house looked perfect, of course it did I was on that fake energy cleaning it. It bothered me to NO end to NOT be able energy wise to even load the clothes. My advise is to just do ONE thing, take a break, then another, take a break, it is NOT so overwhelming then. I just did what I could physically see, if my surroundings looked picked up my mood was better than if there were things on the floor, JUST focus on those SIMPLE tasks. I have walked through this tramadol journey and all of it comes back, the energy WILL come back, while you are in it it seems forever I know. I would soak the dishes, take a break, wash the dishes take a break etc. It does work if you can just do things like that, keep your expectations LOW, Yes the crying for me was so unexpected but I always felt a release afterwards. I NEVER cried on tram, I never felt anything on tram, and the energy that does come back is a energy that lasts throughout the day, not the 1 hour high energy. Indoctrinated I remember how I felt and I wish you nothing but success in this because it really does get better, I felt so sorry for myself the first 2 weeks LOL!!! Heck I missed my friend tramadol but I don't miss it one bit anymore, to be free of it is so joyous to me. I just wanted you to know the next few days you may not feel to good, BUT what is waiting for you is freedom and it beats tramadol anyday!!!!!!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
Thank you for the quick response Waterview. Wow I never felt tram numbed me until you mentioned something about not crying on it. I now realize it was difficult to cry on tram no matter what. I wish I could tell my wife, but if you read my earlier post it is a sticky situation. Bottom line though..she is an inspiration. Completely chemical-free. I could play it off as a flu....but most people with the flu sleep and don't kick their legs and pace around :/

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
Great my stepmother is coming to visit today. I want to run and hide. Sorry....I can't stand her. Just my luck something like this is thrown at me on day one WD. Forgive me, but this would be much easier if I was alone. At least then I could suffer in peace. Be able to pace around the house with headphones on and not sleep tonight without question. I really don'tknow hhow I'm going to explain to my wife when I sleep for maybe 1 or 2 hours tonight and then go sit in the living room

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by waterview4326, Aug 21, 2013
I know what you mean about that. On day 2 I think of withdrawls we had a new AC unit put in, OMG I can STILL remember my RAGE because I was just irritable, having 2 technicians in my home, NO AC, and it is hot here, I was literally a mess. I know those poor guys thought I was crazy. They would ask me a question and I swear I could NOT think straight, I was HOT, had RLS,so bad, did not feel I could go take a bath with them here, and my dogs barked THE WHOLE day at them. I remember just wanting to cancel the whole thing. But I didn't I got through it and you will too. There is ALWAYS something to test us it is life but boy do I remember just wanting to be alone so I could pace and rock.

   So I get wanting to run and hide, I remember when they rang the bell I just wanted to not answer I knew it was going to take 2 full days to install. However I made it through and so will you. Just wanted you to know I get it completely but it truly WILL get better in time, I promise!!!!!!!!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
Waterview, its amazing how we can all relate. It's 1pm and symptoms getting a bit worse, after a strange hour of "this isn't so bad". Rollercoaster for sure. Diarrhea is getting bad. Loperamide isn't helping and I reached the daily limit. I've read about many people using high doses of loperamide to ease physical WDs (not the mental aspect). It may not work in the CNS, but a lot of people get physical relief with it still. I don't dare try it. Seems like something that would hamper recovery and prolong the WD. Its very odd it isn't helping diarrhea-wise. Loperamide is quite potent opioid, specially on the gut. Looks like I'm just gonna have to deal with the diarrhea. Feeling quite bad. My wife asked what's wrong cause I'm not talking much. Told her I just don't feel bad and wanted to just start bawling right there

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by KC67, Aug 21, 2013
Hi everyone,

I apologize for not posting lately.  I lurk daily though and want to encourage EVERYONE on this site (lurkers included) - to keep going....whatever you are doing....tapering or cold turkey.  Just don't increase.  Keep decreasing and don't stop until you reach Tram FREE.  

I tell ya....this drug has messed me up.  I am still experiencing random hits of intense depression and anxiety.  I get these little "windows" every so often.  I would describe it like waking up- opening up a window  - and bright, warm, sunlight floods in.  
Warm and happy.  

I had 2 of those days recently.  The entire day for both days.  It was so nice and it gave me a lot of hope.  Those warm and happy days happened a lot before Tram.  I remember them.  I look forward to their increase as time goes on.

Just like waterview expressed, I am able to do so much MORE with each day that passes.  I wish I could tell you that I am 100% better, but I can't.  It is still tough.  I abused this drug for many many years at varyingly high doses.  I too worry that I have permanently messed up my brain chemistry.   I worry about this a lot as I am so many days out.

But there is something inside me...something good and right... that says I need to give myself more time.  I don't want to discourage anyone.  Everyone has different body chemistry.  But I do want to encourage those of you out there (like me) who are still struggling at 75+ days out.  You are not alone.  

Also I still struggle with aversion to people.  I am worried about this as I used to love being around people...parties, football games, social events, family dinners, and get-togethers.  So weird.  
This has improved vastly since Day 1, but I am not where I thought I would be at this point in my recovery.

Farmgal - yes, I agree with Fourjays.  This drug KNOWS our weaknesses.  It’s like a “smart-drug”.  And it sinks its talons deep.  So evil.  And its voices are usually the same..."go ahead.  Just 1 pill won't make a difference.  You can control it now."  

This is one scary drug.

Indoctrinated - that makes me so sad that someone so young had to go through the Tramadol ordeal.  It is such an awful drug.  The good news is you are still young and hopefully your youth will enable you to recover quickly.  Keep fighting.  It's worth it.

And oh the tears I have cried since I quit tram.  Wow.  Some are tears of frustration, and others are from utter sadness and regret.  

I recently went with my son to the photography studios for his Senior pictures.  I don't know how your senior pictures were, but now they have all this fancy equipment and all these different backgrounds and outfit changes.  Geesh!  What happened to just a black cap and gown???  

Anyway, after you take all the zillions of pictures, they escort you into these cozy little rooms with surround sound and a big screen TV – on which they show a slide show of all of the pics they took.  But here's the kicker....they play a sad, touching song while you are viewing the slide show.  

omg.  At the beginning, I was ok and then I got a little irritated at the realization of their sales plot.  Halfway through I knew I was in deep trouble.  And at the end of the slide show I was booger-snotting-red eyed- can't breathe- crying.  My son was wondering what was wrong with me.

The pictures were so beautiful.

You see, it hit me that I was viewing my son as a young man.  I missed about 10 years of his life - numbed out on friggin Tram! - and this slide show just whacked me over the head with it.

Although it was sad,  - and I ended up spending a lot of money on pictures - I left that place thinking, "At least I still have time left.  I am still alive.  I messed up a lot of years taking that evil pill, but I still have time left to enjoy life."  

We all still have time left.  


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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
I'm also trying to jump off xanax right now because I need to be off of it before next week. Drug test later next week. I've worked down from 1.5mg to 0.125 or 0.5mg. Been easy I don't like the benzo buzz. BenzowWD for me consists of dizziness, panic attacks, and extreme agitation. I notice a bit of the WD on top of this tram WD. Will likely use a LITTLE xanax in a moment. I must say I feel sorry for anybody who WD from high doses of benzos. It is its own hell. Very mild at the dose I'm at now though. Don't feel any danger from jumping off 0.5 or 0.125mg

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by waterview4326, Aug 21, 2013
KC


Next week my son turns 21 I to wonder where the time went, he is a man and I simply missed part of his life. I do remember the senior pictures I was sober then before tramadol and I cried also, I cried a lot this week because my son is so excited to turn 21, I am sad about it, really sad, maybe part of it is the tram still, I don't know but it has hit me like a ton of bricks, having a HARD time with it, in fact I am angry, so crazy. Your senior picture story reminded me of how FAST time goes, was like yesterday to me. Funny how we do all relate here.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
I just want to feel normal. Day one has been full of testing my patience. The kids have been crying nonstop for over an hour...something I'm used to from time to time, but I feel like blowing my ************** head off right now. This is something that makes CT impossible if pills are in your possession I believe. I desperately want to feel normal. Thankfully no tram is in this household.... because if it was....id already have cracked. :'-( going to try diphenhydramine for sleep tonight I guess

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
^ Fear is turning into anger I'll tell u that right now. I like to play video games, right? The type I enjoy makes me a bit of a nerd. I was like hey I'll play this I enjoy it and maybe it'll take my mind off of this....well....I can't even play it. This particular game involves lots of reason and micro managing for your character.....I can't focus on it. I can't sit still. I'm getting pissed at tram and its only day 1 still. I have a feeling tomorrow is going to be the same if not a little worse

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by indoctrinated, Aug 21, 2013
Lots of reading ^ (not reason) lol I can't even type right now

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by waterview4326, Aug 21, 2013
Indoctrinated please remember this will pass. What I did to pass the time along with reading here was to watch TV. I watched a ton of comedy's and shows that were EASY to follow LOL!!!!!!  I remember Emily told me it was GOOD to get mad at Tram, at first I did not really understand that but as time went on getting mad is really good. Just remember to keep your expectations really low right now. Also remember even as bad as you feel your brain is HEALING right now, it takes time to heal. One thing that helped me is to KNOW even as bad as I felt I was healing, every day you don't use you are closer to being healed, it takes time. I am no where healed BUT in just a little over a month I feel pretty good, a world away from where I was.  Please be kind to yourself, eat good foods, drink lots of water, take things really slow, you will be through this before you know it and it will feel so good to not be on this awful drug. You can do this, soak in the tub or a hot shower, it helps so much, grab a blanket, make some hot tea and watch some mindless TV, You can do it, you ARE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 21, 2013
Indoctrinated,

I completely agree with you about playing video games and stuff. I am currently still tapering but a couple weeks ago I tried CT. I love laying in my bed, looking at Pinterest on my phone. I tried doing that and couldn't because my arms and hands were so agitated and restless that I couldn't even hold onto my phone. It was pathetic and made me sooooooo mad. I have NEVER had restless arms and I think that was worse than the restless legs. I wonder what helps with that?

Keep going you guys!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 22, 2013
Day two. Still suffering. There is something different about today. Almost like its surreal. Its hard to tell if symptoms are worse, better, or the same. I slept for a little over four hours. That's it. I'm feeling like that 1st day is a major jump. It is certainly not a walk in the park today still. I just want these physical symptoms to go away. That's all I want!

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by Molytex, Aug 22, 2013
Hang in there indoctrinated - you are doing it and you are doing it great.. it is hard for the first 72 hours but then it will gradually get better.

Keep posting in here and let us support you as well as we can - remember many have gone through this before and some at going through it right now together with you..

You will find joy in everyday things again like video games but it takes time..

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by indoctrinated, Aug 22, 2013
I know...I just want to feel normal....having moments of feeling okay...then most of the time feeling horrible. Classic tram WD stuff.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 22, 2013
I need some input.... So when you guys went CT or are going CT as we speak, what are you doing all day to deal with the symptoms? Are you guys constantly walking around the house, watching TV, what?

When I went CT a couple weeks ago, I felt like I couldn't do anything. My arms and legs were so horrible that I couldn't even type or hold my cell phone to look at stuff. I was so hot and cold too. I could NOT sit still at all. So what are some things that I can do all day.

Last night my legs were pretty restless and tingly, which made it hard for me to even sit and look the forums. I felt like all I could do was walk around the house. The anxiety too, that was so bad I thought I couldn't breathe, how do I handle that.?

Please inform me of what everyone does all day long while going CT.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 22, 2013
Kylie, very good question. For me, walking around the house with headphones in has always been a pasttime during CT. On day two right now and not much has changed. Its a hot sunny day here today and I took a walk around the apartment complex and that helped somewhat. In between all of this, all. I can do is sit around, suffer, and try to act like nothing is wrong. TV, internet, and positive thinking (this is all temporary) is all I can give. No matter what I do, there is a depressive overtone to everything. Hard to describe but even watching TV I'm depressed.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 23, 2013
My problem is the arms and legs. Both arms and legs twitch, tingle, and feel so horrible that I can't sit still or do anything. Like I said, I couldn't even hold my phone with my hands because of the way they felt. I am planning on taking the plunge and doing CT this Saturday. I am on 2 pills a day and was going to wait but I just found out today that my baby is still breech. If she doesn't flip, then I will have a C-section a week earlier than my due date. I want to quit CT this weekend so that I can give myself a good couple weeks to get this all out of me before she is born. I owe it to her to try to be in the best mood possible and feel somewhat decent. If I don't do this now, I never will. I am very scared because of the way I felt a couple weeks ago when I tried. I didn't even last over 15 hours. I have to do this though. It is no one's fault but my own and I have to go through this suffering. Anyone else have any advice on what to do all day long when you feel this way?

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by indoctrinated, Aug 23, 2013
Kylie, I feel for you. I kind of slipped up this morning. Not tram, but I took 12.5mg of oxycodone. I immediately went into the bathroom and started bawling. Not worried about the 12 panel drug test next week (I'll pass..as long as this doesn't happen again), I'm worried about my slip up just 3 days in CT. Obviously feel somewhat better, but that won't be the case 6+ hours from now. Quite possibly will be back to square one. Maybe not. I'm calling the doctor AND pharmacy TODAY so I will not be able to pick my tram refill up on the 28th. It's the only way I'm going to be able to beat this. I feel like a hypocrite to give you advice for CT, but I have done CT all the way through a few years ago. There is obviously some comfort meds out there, but be careful since you're pregnant. Really, all I did was sit and suffer. Take a walk every now and then. A few hot baths or showers...they actually help temporarily. Kylie, if you are having a c-section, you are going to be prescribed stronger opioids post-op to take home with you. My wife used a morphine pump for the first night and then began oxycodone 5 to 10mg as needed and went home with a bottle of it. Will this set you back? Possibly. If it's two weeks from now, tram WD should be over by then. I'm not sure if using stronger opioids pre and post op will set you back or not.

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by KC67, Aug 23, 2013
(((((((( Kylie )))))) - you are one amazing woman.  I am just so sorry that you have to go through all of this while pregnant.  And you are doing so great.  Really.

Way back in the journal, I read that tonic water helps with RLS.  It has something called "quinine" in it - which helps with the restless legs and arms.  You can google it and see there are many people who benefit from it and as far as I know, it is natural and safe.  It may be worth a try.  Also, I used Hyland's Restful Legs - but I don't know if it is safe to take while pregnant so you may want to check with your doctor first.

The good news is the RLS does end.  It lasted awhile for me, but it is 100% gone now.

As for what to do all day.  That's hard because EVERYTHING seemed overwhelming to me.  Like indoctrinated said, even watching TV made me either anxious, depressed, or restless.   And the fatigue would keep me from getting out and doing things.  I felt trapped in my own home and that was depressing.

I will tell you that forced, scheduled, short exercise was very good for all of the symptoms.  Even if you just tell yourself, "at 2pm, I am going to walk out and get the mail and walk down to the end of the street and back".  Somehow I always felt better after these short little walks.  Then I increased slowly to more frequent and intense exercise as I was able to.

In the early days, I tried to stay as busy as I could to keep my mind off the depression and anxiety.  I usually crashed around 3pm.  Done.  Like all I could accomplish was maybe taking a shower and watching tv.  You may discover that emotions and feelings will start coming back -  you may see a commercial and cry your eyes out and wonder, where is this coming from?  And the intense ANGER that comes is frightening.   But it is all normal and it will end.

I have said this before, but be kind to yourself.  Give yourself permission to cancel out on plans and just rest.  Your body is re-wiring and trying to get rid of all tram that is stored in your fat cells and opiate receptors.  Plus it is repairing.

Keep fighting everyone.

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by Farmgal40, Aug 23, 2013
Hi Everyone, happy Friday. I'm day 19 with no tram...I haven't been at my computer much, have been "staying busy" so just now getting caught up reading all the posts!  Like always - it helps so much!

I still remember tram making me feel crappy every day when the "high" was gone - which is probably good (that I remember).
INDOCTRINATED:  I too had bouts of unexplained crying....not normal for me at all, and did not even know why! I also got MAD at those pills! I was having thoughts of how horrible the makers of this drug are; then I also had a lot of anger at my doctor for even prescribing them once, and then for giving me a refill when I'd ask!  I think the anger is normal - but also I had to take responsibility (I'm not there 100% b/c I'm still convinced the pills have some type of mind control!)  

Kylie - as far as the cold turkey, the first couple days, I was SO hot -drenched in sweat, I didn't have RLS, but my whole body could not sit still. I was working (I have a desk job) and was literally just getting up every 5 minutes, I was completely unproductive that week. I could not sit, not read anything, I felt like I was going go crazy - just walking around randomly. BUT  yet - no "energy" to do anything I used to - like these massive house cleaning events! it was only the first couple days I felt like i wanted to just crawl out of my skin. Massive anxeity.

Like WATERVIEW said  - I just took it easy! Were there nights I did not have a nice dinner made for my husband? You bet! Were there days (and um, still today as I type this) where the dirty dishes piled up in the sink? Absolutely!  that is now my biggest struggle - trying to be Superwoman without the pills. Thankfully I have a laid back husband, who doesn't care about a messy house (or not having clean clothes LOL)

one thing to help us all try and focus on (I have to repeat this to myself over and OVER many times a day) is that I "lived" before those pills - I worked, cleaned my house, went out with friends, did lots of stuff - so eventually being able to do all those things will come back.
KEEP FIGHTING EVERYONE! KEEP READING, POSTING, AND FIGHTING!

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by Farmgal40, Aug 23, 2013
KYLIE:  
also, as far as trying to 'get through" the first few days - at night I'd force myself to take my dog for a walk, it was a short walk, but I felt like I had to do something. I pretty much cleared any social schedule. I watched ALOT of TV and movies...I tried to stick to light funny stuff, not sad stuff! I had to "give myself permission" to just let stuff go. You may actually have a great excuse since you are 9 months pregnant!  I had to force myself (and I mean FORCE) to do things like the dishes - and when I did, I put music on that I loved (like other people said) and tried to focus on enjoying the simple things - that might sound corny, but its like your brain is coming out of this constant state of numbness, and so you may find yourself noticing and enjoying simple things that you have not noticed for awhile. One last thought - I have a family member who goes through drama EVERY day and I have to hear about it over the phone...I wanted so bad to just scream at her SHUT UP!! I'VE GOT MY OWN DEMONS!!  but - this was not someone who knew my situation....and so I just tried to keep the talking to her to a minimum for those first 2 weeks - in other words, reduce things that stress you out as much as possible! (I know, not always easy)

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by waterview4326, Aug 23, 2013
Well I am 38 days out and let me tell you what happened. Yesterday my husband had his eyelids done, it was medically necessary, and while they were prepping him they handed me a RX for 30 10mg Lortabs, I ALMOST died, truly almost died right there, I could NOT breathe, I could FEEL my heart beating. Well my husband does know of my addiction to trams. Anyway I had to go fill them and I was a complete mess all during this, I was so afraid of my own actions, I was a wreck waiting on the Rx. for him. He can not see as his eyes are swollen, well when I got back he asked me to give him his antibiotic and pain meds, OMG I held them in my hand, I wanted one so bad. Anyway as I gave him his meds I said I want you to know exactly how many in the bottle and you need to count them WHILE I have to administer to you, he was like WHY? I was like I can't be around ANY pain meds, I am an addict, even though I prefer tramadol, the old me would have been dipping my hand in his meds. Anyway I was a mess.


   Today brings a new day, he can see, he hid the pills, when he is done he will dispose of them. I have to say I cut ALL my sourses when I quit, however I never saw this coming at all, this has been a rough 2 days with pills here, any kind of pills.  I really had to think do I want to go back there, I have FOUGHT to get here, all this fatique, all I went through, I would have been so disappointed in myself if I had caved in. One pill is NEVER enough, thank goodness I made it. I came here often yesterday REMINDING MYSELF of what I had accomplished, I feel pretty good now, I simply can't believe we had pills in the house, I read posts yesterday to remind myself this is a disease. My head kept talking to me, it was crazy. I am so glad the pills are hidden, I will feel better when they are gone, this is crazy to be so consumed by this, however I am still sober and free, thought I would post my feelings.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 23, 2013
Waterview, you plowed through a tough obstacle and good job! I imagine you will probably be feeling slightly uneasy until you know those pills are gone. Thank goodness they weren't tram or it could be worse on you! Unbelievable strength on your part and it is an inspiration. During early CT did you guys sneeze and yawn constantly? I can't stop!

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by waterview4326, Aug 23, 2013
Indoctrinated I sneezed and yawned for the first couple weeks, I have heard that is pretty common. In fact from time to time I still sneeze, like a few sneezes at a time. You know what I am real UNEASY these pills are here, even though I don't know where they are, I just FEEL irritable. You know right before this I was feeling pretty peaceful but ever since I had that script in my hand I have just felt bothered.  However life is ALWAYS throwing obstacles our way, I think this was a BIG one, my husband NEVER takes any kind of pills, this is just crazy.  I will just be glad when he throws them away and goes back to work, for some reason he is even irritating me, I think it is because he seems different, he is different because these pills alter our personalities, funny it took this for me to see how really grateful I am to be sober, if I were still using I know I would have been dishonest and taken some of his pills, knowing he would not take them all, it hurts to say that but it is true. I feel good about that and indoctrinated thanks for saying I was strong, I NEEDED that today. So love this site, I just pour it all out here.  

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by Farmgal40, Aug 23, 2013
Waterview: you are so fantastic! this was a BIG obstacle but you whooped it!  You did the right thing to tell your husband to not let you near them and just being honest. I can only imagine how you felt; to have to take that script, go to the pharmacy, etc. I don't know if you felt this way- but I've had times, when like a "addiction recovery" commerical will come on TV and I get all nervous thinking "oh know, does everyone know? is everyone in the room looking at me?" Its like my brain is paranoid, and I think every time the word "pill" or something like that is mentioned, that I have some horrified look on my face - no one in my life really knows about this (my husband and one good friend) but I feel like just the mention of words like pill, addiction, prescription pain killers, puts this giant scarlet letter on my chest for the world to see! I'm just glad you got to come here and get your feelings out! You did GREAT~ ! this was huge...and you did it!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 24, 2013
Feel like I'm losing my mind. And I don't know what it is about WD, but every time I have been in the middle of it, I think about the past deeply. I'm the only one awake right now, and I went through a lot of old photos. Mainly just about a year old and started crying. Feeling so odd and depressed. Wish I could sit comfortably, too.

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by waterview4326, Aug 24, 2013
Farmgal you made me feel so much better!!!!!  OMG when they handed me the RX I felt like they could SEE the panic over me. I feel like I had a BIG sign that said ADDICT. Yes ANYTIME I see that show intervention I get sooo nervous, or shows on Dr. Phil etc. on pill popping moms I want to scream I am one of them, please help me !!!   So funny you should mention that because I feel exactly the same way.  You absolutely feel exactly like me. I tell you I have been in a terrible mood since Thursday, this actually did something to me, not sure what but no matter HOW I try to talk myself into not being aggigtated it does not work. I think to I have been home since Thursday taking care of him, cooking, cleaning, and I am just mad, LOL!!!!!!!!!!  I am just FRUSTRATED!!!!!!!!!  Anyway I can tell when he takes his med, he gets that crazy 30 minute energy then he crashes, that angers me too!!!!!!!!  So glad I can vent this, I FFEL like I am taking it out on him, I kind of just do what I need to for him then I stay away, SOOOOO crazy!!!!!!!!!1

  Indoctrinated I  also thought so much about my past regrets the first 2 weeks of withdrawls. One day I woke up and cried over my college BOYFRIEND 30 years ago, I mean CRAZY stuff. I too would pass photos of my son and cry because he is grown, I also had depression the first 2 weeks and I did not have depression before. The good thing is it passes after a bit. I believe it is the TRAMADOL letting go, it WANTS to hold on!!!!!  Just KNOW it is NORMAL, I had thoughts my family would be better off without me, it was scary BUT it passes I promise. For the exception of these pills for hubby, I was starting to be really peaceful, happy, content, you will get there !!!! Please know it is all NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!  I cried the first 2 weeks about everything, I cried when Joy BEHAR left the view, indoctrinated I don't even watch the view, how crazy is that? You ARE DOING IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 24, 2013
waterview, that is SO crazy! I found myself crying over my ex! My daughter's mother. We are definitely moved on. She has a boyfriend, and I'm married, but something SNAPPED. Maybe because I couldn't really cry over it before. Can't help but feel guilty..if my wife knew...WOW. She'd be pissed. And I'd understand that. I couldn't help it, though. Something else that plagued my mind while sifting through photos was "i was on tram when i took this" - "i was on tram when this was taken"....which is pretty much all of 'em RIGHT? Something else, though. I did happen upon pictures from my childhood. I lost it then, too. Because I was staring a FREE and CARELESS boy! Myself....drug-free, tram-free, WD-free. Funny, before I found this garbage when I was 15, I NEVER, not in a million years thought I would be in the position I am now. I was against drugs! Then I look in the mirror....lost it again. I feel so foreign. I feel so odd.

I completely understand your agitation at pills being in the house. Whether it's tram, or hydro....I completely understand. DON'T listen to the voice in your head. DON'T!!!! We can't chip it...one, two, three, or four isn't enougH!

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by waterview4326, Aug 24, 2013
Indoctrinated I have locked myself in my room. I am just a mess over this. I am always waiting on my family, cooking, cleaning but I don't know if it is these pills here or if I am just irritated that I can't take a break like everyone else. All my hubby does is get up eat, take his pills, go back to bed, then repeat. I have had surgery in the past and I was NEVER given that option or my house would be a pig pen. Then my son is will you fix me this or that, I just said leave me alone, YOU FIX IT, it is not like me, could these pills be bringing me to this?  Anyone with experience please chime in, until this I was doing good. EVERYTHING is irritating me, EVERYTHING!!!!

  Yes I too have COMPLETELY moved on BUT my mind STILL went there in withdrawl. I to looked at pics and said I was on Tram, also yep I saw pics of when I was young and I thought wow look at that innocent girl, what could she have done different. I felt odd and out of sorts for 2 weeks. Really it does go away. I keep looking in the mirror today saying fight this girl, move forward, you ARE winning this so why am I so darn angry.

  Okay well as usual I pour it all out here, I have to face this day, I have to get through it, if I can just get to Monday. I feel just irritated at hubby for no reason, he has not really done anything wrong, I think I am jealous if that makes sense, if I went to bed for the day, it would take a whole day to clean this place, just NOT worth it. Okay son is knocking at my door, I NEVER lock my door, I am trying so hard to fight these feelings, Love to all in this battle

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by indoctrinated, Aug 24, 2013
Waterview, absolutely it could be the hydro in the household. I remember wifey getting oxy for short term acute pain....I was coming up on running out of tram early....went to grab a few but she had moved them. I was so angry. I slammed the drawer shut and meeeaaan thoughts crossed my mind. I was agitated until I came across hydro. Gawd I can't wait to be free of these chains! Also waterview , everyone says after acute WD this battle becomes a hell of a rollercoaster...coincidentally, perhaps you've run into a rough patch the same time these hydro enter your house. Just think GODDD they are not tram. And it could have been tram. Still, I can relate to you. We relied on tram...but if that garbage isn't around....we'll take whatever is similar and within our grasp. I totally get the jealous remark. TOTALLY get it. I was offered hydro this morning.... I turned it down for the fact I have invested much suffering already. Before...I could have never done that. I didn't care if I'd already had 8mg of I odium
...I still would have swallowed it....but I'm glowing that I said "no...I need to do this just a few more days". PLEASE don't beat yourself up for being agitated. Its normal. Your husband will heal and those pills will be out of the house!! Your strong andfar out of the dependency that "just a few" may enter your mind as well. Would it kill you? No. Would it set you back? Probably not physically.... but it would make this fight a little harder and you'd certainly beat yourself all to hell

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by waterview4326, Aug 24, 2013
Indoctrinated I am heading out for awhile to get OUT of here, I am a witch. Yes I think maybe I have hit a rough patch plus the Lortab here.  I think I need OUT of here for awhile. I have been waiting on everyone and I can recognize I need a change. Just going to target to get a pillow BUT I NEED to clear my head. I think with sobriety we SEE when we need a change, I know when I was on Trams I did what everyone wanted me to do, however being sober means taking care of ourselves, I can't be in this house a minute more so off to target I go, even listening to his music blaring is terribly triggering me, I truly think today has been the hardest day I have had, day 39, other than that first week.

  You are doing great, stay on the course, and thanks for being here today, I really needed support, be back later

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by Kylie4501, Aug 24, 2013
Ok guys, need some support.

I am about 20 hours since my last pill. This is so hard to do at almost 36 weeks pregnant. It is hard enough for me to walk around the house, now I have extreme fatigue and horrible legs. At least I have not felt much anxiety yet in my chest, I hate that feeling. I am trying to stay as calm as I can. I have to go to visit a bunch of relatives tonight so maybe that will help. OMG this is so painful you guys!

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by EmilyPost, Aug 24, 2013
(((Kylie))))  you're brave and capable and you can do this.  

I am sure that seeing your relatives tonight will help.  It's horribly hard.  Just do the next few minutes, focus on anything distracting and you'll be able to get thru three days which would be the end of the worst symptoms.  

You can do it!

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by waterview4326, Aug 24, 2013
Kylie

   I am so proud of you and you ARE doing it. I think being with family will help you, just remember they love you. Just think I believe you are at 24 hours. Take it minute by minute, keep your expectations low. You are an amazing woman to do this !!!!!!  I can't say how much I admire your strength.

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by Farmgal40, Aug 24, 2013
Kylie, you have been so vigilant and brave, and every time you post we can FEEL how much you want to change and be free of these devils! Stay bush tonight...keep fighting...you WILL WIN!  You can do it!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 24, 2013
24 hours! Kylie....you're going to make it! Everybody is right. It is night 4 for me. Symptoms has slowed SLIGHTLY....only slightly...but I've been using since summer 2003, so like Waterview said, my expectations are LOW and I imagine a decade of thepoison causes a slow recovery...but if IM feeling slightly better on night 4....imagine how you may feel in a couple of days. I've seen some people say day 1 was horrid but they were plowing through day2 and 3. of course we aren't all that lucky. Let usknow how it goes!!! PPlease

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by JessGehl, Aug 24, 2013
Good glory............I don't know how much longer i can take this. Day 82 and the depression and anxiety and numbess its just pathetic! I wanna cry but im to numb to even do that. I just wanna die...

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by Kylie4501, Aug 25, 2013
Yes, it has been 24 hours and that makes me smile. I had to visit with family tonight and I have to say it really helped. When I was home, I felt awful and my legs were driving me crazy. As soon as I forced myself to put my son in his car seat ( Which was soooo much work), and turned on some good music, I felt 80% better. I kept looking back at him and he was smiling and it gave me instance motivation that I can do this. My kids deserve a CLEAN Mommy who will have all natural energy for them. I just can't wait until this horrible feeling subsides. I do have to say though, I don't feel as bad as I do (yet anyway) like I did a few ago when I tried to quit. Knock on wood, but I have not had any bad anxiety yet. Maybe because it is finally sunken in that this is it, I have no more pills and no more excuses. I need to do this!! It is 2 am and I just got out of the bathtub. I hope I can get some sleep. Keep the support coming, it really helps and keeps me motivated.

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by indoctrinated, Aug 25, 2013
There you go, Kylie!! War has been declared! Remind me how long you have been dependent.


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by Kylie4501, Aug 25, 2013
I have been on Tramadol for almost 3 years and i was at 15-20 pills a day 50 mg..... I am very proud!

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by waterview4326, Aug 25, 2013
You should be proud Kylie!!!!!!!!   I think what you are doing is simply AMAZING and I mean that!!!!!!!  I will be back in touch soon

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by indoctrinated, Aug 25, 2013
15-20 pills a day. Wow. I was on it for ten years and amazingly was only up to 6, sometimes 7 a day (50mg). It was 4 tablets for years but recently went up to 6-7. I felt that it was about to increase again and that is one reason why I decided to nip this in the bud. Hang in there Kylie. Keep us updated on the progress. Waterview....how are you today? Hopetoday is better than yesterday for you. Jess.....hang in there!!!! Guess this is PAWs for you. At least you never hhave to feel that acute phase ever again! Glorious freedom

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by waterview4326, Aug 25, 2013
Hi Indoctrinated

   I am doing much better today. Having a hard time getting alone time to get on the site. This has been the longest few days I can ever remember. My mind has been crazy, my mood has been crabby BUT I am sober and will continue to be. I fought to darn hard to get here, I will continue to win this fight, won't go back. I do look forward to hubby going back to work but now not until Tuesday, so one more day. Jess I hear you but this drug takes time before our bodies heal, that is something I now realize, this is a process getting sober. You will heal, lots of veteran members have given me wonderful advice, they ALL say TIME is our friend, please be patient, we will all get there. Boy it sure is hard though

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by Kylie4501, Aug 25, 2013
Hey guys,

It has been almost 44 hours! UGH. My legs are not as bad as they were the first time I tried CT, hopefully they stay that way. The fatigue is really bad today. Takes me so long to get up and moving. Doesn't help that my back is killing me and I am almost 36 weeks pregnant!!! I can't believe I am doing this pregnant! Wow, this is so tough. Trying to stay busy really does help. I am so tired though, up till 65 am last night. When I do go to lay down, I just get irritated becaue my legs start bothering me. UGH!!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 25, 2013
Kylie....I know what you mean about the legs. Its insane. Worst part of WD for me is this intense feeling of discomfort all over and the legs take the cake in that. Impossible to get comfortable. Much respect for you to stay busy and doing this so far along in pregnancy is gotta be tough. I watched my ex carry my daughter and my wife carry our son and it seems brutal especially further along. You will be glad you're free of tram bondage after your baby arrives because being trapped in this dependency with children to care for is not fun at all. Forced WD from running out early and the heavy responsibility of children during CT is tremendously difficult. Keepgoing! Two days in! Give 2, maybe 3 more days aand you're going to be feeling great. And the moment WD slacks up or diminishes entirely....a euphoria will overcome you. A natural euphoria that comes from success and the feeling of freedom!!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 25, 2013
Thanks for the nice words, they really help!

If I have a C-section and they will give me meds to take home, will my w/d's come back when I stop? I hope not. I have never had a problem with abusing real painkillers but I am just afraid it give me back that feeling and then I will feel awful again. But obviously I will be in a lot of pain and need them right?

I am seriously going cut off my legs!

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by Farmgal40, Aug 25, 2013
Hey Kylie, you are doing so great - hang in there!  As far as the meds - I had not abused anything except tram, but one thing I can tell you is that since I stopped taking it 21 days ago, I've had a migraine a few times (which was the original reason my MD gave me tramadol - SO stupid) and so I took some old tylenol w/ codeine that I had, and they had no effect on me mentally (and barely touched the headache!) but honestly - they did not make me feel "high" or bring back any feelings that made me crav tram. But - I don't think they are considered really hardcore and I am sure if you have a c-section they might give you something stronger. Just only take them if you NEED them and get rid of them once you can, is my best advice! But hopefully others will chim in here for you too. Keep doing what your doing, your winning! PS) don't cut off your legs - you'd just need more painkillers ;-)

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by indoctrinated, Aug 25, 2013
My wife was given a morphine pump for the first 18-24 hours. Then they started giving her oxycodone 10mg as needed by mouth and she left with a prescription for oxycodone 5mg and ibuprofen 800mg. Bottom line is, if you're still having WD when you start these stronger meds, yes, it will likely knock you back to square one in terms of opioid WD. If you're in the clear and no longer feeling tram WD when you start the more potent meds, it MAY NOT send you back to square one. You will most definitely need them for pain management. What is the time frame for your surgery? Its coming up right? If you're no longer in WD when you start them my guess is the worst case scenerio is when you finish them at home youll have MINOR symptoms which would be NOTHING compared to whats going on now. It depends on how you feel by the time your surgery comes around

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by Kylie4501, Aug 25, 2013
I am 48 hrs now without Tramadol and if my baby doesn't turn, my C-section will be Sep 18th. I think that is plenty of time for these w/d's to be gone and stuff but I just don't want to start all over again when I have to take some pain meds after baby.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 26, 2013
The pills are for sure talking....I can't stop thinking about how to get more:( I am so tired but everytime I lay down my legs and feet drive me crazy. Looks like another long night wide awake. I would love to do stuff around the house but the fatigue prevents that. UGH. This is soooo hard! These pills are screaming at me!!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 26, 2013
Its over for me. Had a walk-in appointment with doctor and let him in on my situation, so my reliable source of tram is gone, and the remaining refills on the most current renewal have been canceled. He wasn't shocked that dependency occured and he asked if I was sure I didn't want to taper and I told him I'm too far out to taper. Went back to car
Feeling very surreal. Physical symptoms are waning, but I'm down in the dumps. Took some 5-HTP and I swear it helped to an extent. It feels crazythat I've done this. Never in a million years did I think I'd get rid of my tram source and actually be done. There are intense cravings from time to time. Kylie, don't give up! I'm right where you are! Cravings are unreal today!!

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by Kylie4501, Aug 26, 2013
Great Job Indoctrinated!!! Very proud! That takes major guts:)

I am doing bad again on Day 3. Really Craving and thinking how and where I can get some pills. I keep making myself go back and forth about my choice to quit right now. I know I want to quit for the baby and be a clean mom right now, but what if I waited until after she is born and then try it. The worst part is that I hurt my back a month ago and I went to the Chiropractor last week, she helped me for a couple days and I have been icing and heating ever since. Last night the intense pain started again I can barely walk. It hurts so bad. The thing is, I was on Tram and a few old Vicodins the other week during my back pain and the pain was still there, s it it just worse because I have no pain medication in me? But what do I do. I can't have this awful back pain until the baby is born. I literally can barely walk or do anything...

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by Molytex, Aug 26, 2013
That is so impressive indoctrinated - and an absolute necessary step... I told my doc 3 weeks ago when I called to make an appointment but they didn't have time until tomorrow so tomorrow on my day 30 is when I will have my "doc-meeting".

Hang in there Kylie - someone more knowledgeable will be along very soon but know you are not alone - the doubt and the feelings you are experiencing is the Trams trying their best to lure you.... remember that it can be done at we are many in here who believe in you...

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by indoctrinated, Aug 27, 2013
Day 7 and feeling much better physically. However, cravings (severe debilitating cravings) and negative thoughts abound

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by nyeev12, Aug 27, 2013
Im not new here...I have been lurking around for a couple of months...my tramadol journey has been going on for 6 years.I am too "tramsad" to go through the details but it started just like all of yours. Right now,I am on my couch, I am so lost...I want to break down in tears...I am so sick of this drug controlling my every second...always amking sure I stay on my taper schedule,making sure I have enough to last me,carrying them around,counting,doc appointments....I'm tired of it all!!! I am down to 6 pills a day from about 10 a day but the whole process is sickening to me now. I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful daughter who need me.I don't have any refills left and I had planned to just jump off but now that I'm actually doing it,I'm SO SCARED!! I have tried CT before so I know what to expect. Problem is that I have to be home to take care of my daughter,my husband can't stay home and all my family works. She is 4 years old and just wants to be entertained all day...I'm scared that I will be too sick to handle her....I'm so scared to tell my husband because he thinks I'm only taking one a day...so far its been 24 hours since I had my last dose, I have some clonidine to help but it makes me so tired....I'm super depressed and just dark.....

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by nyeev12, Aug 27, 2013
Feeling a little better mentally. I told my husband, he tiik tommorrow off from work and just him being so supportuve helped my outlook on this. Just being home, hanging out with him and my daughter is really helping. I am feeling okay, the clonidine definitely helps, im just a little irritable and just overall blah..

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by KC67, Aug 28, 2013
Nyeev12 - what you are feeling is completely normal.  The fear.  The sadness.  Oh, I remember being absolutely scared.  And so sad at the same time.  I tried to imagine my life without Trams - forever.  I couldn't do it.  I could not see a future for me without my trams - yet I couldn't see me living that way anymore either.  Like you, I was just so sick and tired of it all.  I was a few days into my cold turkey when I decided to turn my fear into anger.  So I flushed my remaining tram stash that day and I was no longer afraid.  I was pissed.

Nyeev12, get mad at it.  It has stolen so much from you.  I just quit a 10+ year addiction, but I promise you.  It gets better.  I am not where I want to be yet in my recovery, but reading your post brought me right back to where I was.  And I can say honestly - it IS better.  It is worth it.   You can do this.  Actually, your daughter may become a welcome distraction.  I had a similar situation.  The first few days were rough, but then I found I welcomed the distraction - kept my mind occupied and kept away the dark thoughts.

So please, hang in there.  It's a tough battle, but YOU and your family are worth the fight.  So happy that you have some support.

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by nyeev12, Aug 28, 2013
Thank you SO MUCH FOR REPLYING!....I will let in on a little secret,its my birthday today....its not been joyous,I feel guilty saying that because I KNOW I have PLENTY to be GRATEFUL for...but...you guys know how it goes...this dark black tramcloud is just there like an IRRITATING BEE BUZZING around you...taunting you..ugh...lol....my doctor did call in some gabapentin which,from experience,I know it will help but the pharmacy has been so rude today!1 funny because they are usually so delightful when I pick up my devil pills and the one time I'm NOT is when they are rude....hmm....so...thanks for the support,it means A LOT...I will update later.

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by nyeev12, Aug 29, 2013
Hey guys!!... I am on 72 hours with no tramadol!! You know...it IS a little EUPHORIC when I realized that I have almost three days with no pills!!! Yesterday was a little slow and lingering...I got a TON of birthday  wishes and it gave me the reassurance that I needed. Also, my family has plans for me tommorow...breakfast with my mom in the morning and dinner with my sisters in the evening....im SUPER ANXIOUS!! I have NEVER socialized without tramadol....NEVER...Im so nervous!! Today I feel pretty okay....im sluggish a little but Im okay. Cravings? YES..but im moving foward....oh and holy crap...guess where I got a call from the online pharmacy I used in 2009!!!!!! I have not ordered since then and all of a sudden they csll me out of nowhere!!!! I was in awe!! They offered me 60 pills for $60!!!!  So much money we all have thrown away on this crap!!  Well, my daughter is at school, hopefully I have the energy to play with her when she gets home...well goodbye guys...I will update later.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 29, 2013
Nyeev12,

Just wanted to tell you that your daughter WILL be a good distraction. I have a 15 month old son and although it is hard to keep up with him, especially during the horrible fatigue we get with the w/d's....my mood was WAY better. He made me smile and laugh and keep my mind off of the w/d's. Good Luck!

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by indoctrinated, Aug 30, 2013
Day 10. All physical WD seems to be over. Having intense cravings and what-ifs here and there. A tiny bit fatigues.

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by FourJays, Aug 30, 2013
Indoctrinated - HUGE congrats on 10 days!!!  The fatigue should lessen soon and you will start to get some energy back.  The cravings and dark thoughts can hang around for awhile, as I am sure you know.  This is where the EVIL in Tramadol really shows itself.  It will be telling you on a regular basis that 'just one is OK', or 'I can take them again and be able to control it'.  You know these are LIES, LIES and more LIES!  

The Tramadol withdrawal and recovery process is not easy; this drug just does not like to lose and let go.  It can help a lot if you make a plan of how you are going to handle the cravings when they come, i.e. listen to music that motivates you, go for a walk, run or a good workout, take a cold shower; ANYTHING to get your mind off the pills and on to something else.  The cravings will subside, they really will.  You gotta give yourself a lot of credit for how far you have already come.  Remember how bad you felt a week ago and know that you NEVER have to go there again.  The cravings and the dark thoughts are tough, but they WILL get better.  It takes time.  However unlike the time that we spent ON this med as it stole days, weeks (over a decade for me), the time you accumulate OFF it will drive the evil away further and further as the days go by.  All time that can be spent getting your life back, making new happy memories with your family.

You know my ugly horror story and battle with this addiction.  If I can do this, you can.  Please keep your eyes on the prize; I promise you that you'll never regret this decision.  Nothing of any true value worth having is easy to get, right?  You are doing great; hang in there - you are SO worth it :))

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by waterview4326, Aug 31, 2013
Hi Everyone

   Well today is 46 days for me. I come here as I always do and put my feelings down. The last 2 weeks have been extremely hard, there really are no words to describe how I am feeling. I wish I were one of the people who come here and say life is GREAT off tramadol, I can't say that right now at all, really I feel like I am treading water here in a never ending pool. My physical symptoms are gone, all of them, I still fight fatique but it is better. What I am dealing with is just a terribly depressing feeling, like something awful is hanging over me. Until 2 weeks ago I was doing pretty good, I have gone through lots of people's journals and I see this happens a lot with so many people. Not that I want anyone to experience this but to know I am not alone somehow gives me comfort.  Each day right now is such an effort for me, I still just want to be alone, everything and everyone irritates me.  I don't say this to scare anybody, I just feel we need all stages of recovery here. I have to believe this awful depressing feeling will subside, I feel just blah, no joy, no excitement, and mostly still no passion for life.

    I know it takes time for my brain chemistry to come back, I am now walking 4 miles per day, it really does help, I do that in the mornings, followed by a hot shower, if I did NOT exercise I would be a mess, it does give me a little boost and I notice I am not sore afterwards.  The soreness and stiffness for me is an issue since getting sober. However I find myself just getting away from my family, I know they notice, I think they just give me space, thank goodness. I push myself hard to keep moving forward but in all honesty I want to go to bed and pull the covers over my head, I NEVER do it BUT I think it. I feel empty, I feel lethargic, I feel sad. Now with all that said I am still glad I quit tramadol. I look really good, bright eyes, body firming back up, eating good, so I see signs of improvement. The obsession and compulsion is gone from counting pills, which is a freedom I can't explain. I am thankful for the good things in my life, I see them now, however I just hope this awful fog lifts soon, it surprised me how bad it has been. I am not considering any kind of AD for now I want to heal naturally on my own for months to SEE who I really am, I can't believe I am this blob I feel I am, I know I am not, but my mind says I am. I still have feelings that come and go that my family would be better off without this person, I know it is still tram talking, this drug has been heck on me, it is the devil drug for sure.

   I just wanted to check in and say I am still sober YEA!!!   I have not been on as much because of this extreme doom feeling, if anyone reads this and has been here any advice would be appreciated, I will make it I won't go back. Thanks for listening. I am older so I think that has so much to do with getting through this.

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by EmilyPost, Aug 31, 2013
This thread is closed.

Please come to part 60 ....

http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/856254/Tramadol--Ultram-Recovery-Room-60

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