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I don't know...

Apr 24, 2009 - 0 comments
Tags:

random pain

,

dizziness

,

Depression

,

friends



For the past year or two, I have been experiencing these weird aches and pains and dizziness among other things. I'm dizzy almost every day, and everything goes black when I stand up most of the time. If i was only sitting or laying for a little while, I can usually just walk around as it gets slightly black and then goes away. If I'm laying down for a longer period of time then I often have to remain still or lean on something or even sit back down as everything goes really black and then slowly goes away. This is always immediately followed by a 30-60, throbbing headache. I also experience random pains. I first noticed it in my hands and wrists. They would just start hurting for no reason at the most random times of day in random areas. Sometimes it will be my wrist(s), other times a single finger while other times it will extend on the bump things the are connected to the knuckles and go down to the wrist. Then it spread to my knees and legs and in my head. In my legs it is usually on the sides/undersides of them. When it occurs under my knee, in my feet or ankles, or below my hip I am forced to limp. Pains usually last no more than five minutes, but usually occur frequently throughout the day or time period. Then occurs much worse in my head. Sometimes it comes as a sharp throbbing that happens in only four specific areas on the top of my head, I'm guessing there are specific neurons or brain regions in those particular areas. It will also occur on the sides of my head. Sometimes right, and sometimes left, but never at the same time. When it is on the sides of my head it occurs in two specific areas at the same time. One is right next to my eye brow on the outer area of my face while the other is a little ways below my ear right under the little bone/bump thingy down there. These are very irritating. I also experience sever eye pain. At first I though it was a result of a traumatic eye injury I had a few years ago the perminately dilated my right eye, and giving it a higher pressure for risk of glaucoma, but now I am begging to think otherwise. Sometimes the eye pain is more centered in my eye brows while other times it begins in the center of my eye and then slowly migrated throughout my whole head. This is very irritating and disruptive to my studies. Okay this is very awkward to talk about but I also leak stuff... Nearly everyday I find a whitish, clear liquid on my underwear. It's not pea and doesn't stain or get on my pants. I don't normally feel it until after going to the bathroom and seeing it or near my menstrual period when it becomes more heavy. When I dries it will role into weird little balls or just dry where it is as a weird slime... I have absolutely no idea what it could be... I also believe I am experiencing emotional or mood problems... I don't have a very good family life, making me periodically depressed and upset. Ever since I can remember I have been questions life, existence, and it's purpose and have always enjoyed death or near death scenes in movies best. I'm always thinking about dying when I'm in "la la land" and dream about it too. I have attempted to attempt to kill myself several times in my life, but always got caught before I could make my attempt. I feel myself becoming emotionally detached to everything, often making my inpatient. I also experience random bursts of anger and frustration for no apparent reason. My friends often interpret this as being mean. I have one real friend, the only person that I feel comfortable talking to (I am very shy) and the only person who has ever treated me as a real friend. Because of this I usually want to spend more time with her than my other friends who do not like this. They have always excluded my from activities and most social relationships and when I finally connect with one of them the rest get upset. I'm losing all my friends to false interpretations to my moods except for my main friend, who's on my side, and another friend not really involved with the conflict who I often call neutral territory as a friendly joke. The whole ordeal is deeply upsetting me, and giving me even more reason to believe that I don't belong in this world. I don't do drugs or drink or any of that stupid stuff, and eat quiet healthily with a stable wait of 10lbs under the average wait of my size. I'm pretty sure my diet has nothing to with how I feel or what's happening to me. I normally do not complain or say anything when I'm experiencing a random pain unless others notice that I am hurting. (I consider myself to be very good at hiding my true emotions and my pain.) I also don't complain because my main friend experiences a sort of similar but far worst situation. She has random pains too but they're different then mine and involve other symptoms. She at least has the courage and will to tell her mom who makes her go to all these special doctor appoints for tests, she does not enjoy these. All doctors so far have no idea what''s wrong but she and her mom are expecting multiple sclerosis, also known as MS. I worry about her a lot. This journal is very long... kind of turned into a venting thing... I'm gunna go now... Bye.

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