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Finally Back! Now where to being :\

Jul 26, 2013 - 24 comments

So I finally got my internet back.  Really bad lightening storm, phone lines under ground had to be replaced.  Found out the ethernet port to my dsl box was fried.  Got my new dsl box yesterday, hooked it all up and still the same thing.  :S  SO I grabbed the laptop and it worked fine and now it's also the ethernet port on my desk top, ugh!!  lol

So I've seen a 2nd urologists and he definitely comfirmed my Interstitual Cystitis..he was it was "moderate" stage.  He wanted to put me on Elmiron and Vesicare.  Well I called and they said it would be $1200 and something dollars :O.  SO I found out my insurance doesn't even cover Elmiron (that's the one I NEED) and the Vesicare with insurance is still $185 :S.  I called the dr. 's office back.  They sent out papers to fill out for an assistance program.  Hopefully I can qualify and get the Elmiron cheaper if not free.  
THEN I got to thinking.  This medicine hasn't been tested on anyone trying to get pregnant or pregnant.  I'm so torn.  I'm Sooo tired of hurting all the time but right now Brian is in his 3rd month of Clomid.  We decided that we're doing the 3 months instead of 2 since it actually takes 3 months for new sperm to make.  SO IF his count hasn't improved I go on Elmiron and hopefully put this into remission and maybe go another route then.  Right now, I just can't handle it anymore. I can't treat this without hurting the other and I'm soo tired of living a life of constant pain.  I feel as I'm depressed, nothing ever goes right...I stay at home mostly all the time now. I help my dad occasionally when I feel like it because most times I feel like laying in bed because of hurting. Brian called yesterday just to see if I even got out to the house..he doesn't want me to become a "hermit" but when you don't feel like it..you just don't feel like it.  I don't want to sink into a deep depression because of pain and I'm at a breaking point.  I catch myself walking around in a daze...I'm not as active as I used to be.  In a days time I've been known to mow the grass, mop the floors, wash the dogs and their beds and wash the cars.  Now I'm good to bathe the dogs and do some light house work.  I get by...and rarely do the extra.  I'll mow grass but that's it..never anything extra.  I'm soo tired of hurting, emotionally, physically and mentally.  Physically hurting for the last 15 years now has definitely took a toll on everything, my body and my mind especially. I'm not trying to sound like a debbie downer, but this is where I get 90% of my support and encouragement from.  My family has no idea about anything. My mom knows I hurt as does my husband but that's about it. The others just don't understand how bad.  

So the plan is...get DH in after the 3 months are up for his SA (praying there's at least some difference) and if so we'll try..if no difference at all..I have to treat this IC.  If anyone knows anyone who has dealt with this please let me know.  I've found a page on Facebook where there's several people I can relate to... It's just like TTC..it's always better when you know someone who knows what you're going through.  I don't expect my family to..

Also the monster in law is driving me nuts.. I swear I'm going to wind up in an insane asylum because of her.  Brian my DH is her BABY..and omg I married him and took him away from her..even though she has 3 others sons and a daughter.  Anyways after her husband passed away (brian's dad who I loved to pieces) she got scared to stay by herself.  Instead of just admitting it..she has "spells" with her stomach.  She gets gas built up blah blah blah, but instead of taking something and walking it off..she'll sit her lazy a$$ around and let it keep building.  I could go on forever about her..but she ruined any chance of me ever having anything for her YEARS AGO!!  So she called DH the other night during one of her "spells".  At 8:30 pm he had to go get her to spend the night with us (omg I'm fuming at this point) because she supposedly can't see to drive at night.  She gets over here..goes right to sleep.  She claimed she was in soo much pain..but how do you manage to get comfortable enough to sleep?  Anyways, next day same thing.. dH went fishing..I was pissed he left her here at our house for me to pratically babysit. I left and went to my moms :).  So I get back up here and she is putting on a show BIG time. She's shifting side to side in the recliner..I was furious..I said.."do you want to to got the ER?"  She says.." I don't know waht I need to do..I can't eat, everything hurts (yet she had a full breakfast), long story short..I tell DH I'm going to ER with her..he's on his way home from fishing.  SO they check her vitals..Blood pressure is better than that of a 20 year old.  I know when I'm hurting..my blood pressure runs a little high..hmm..  anyways..they admit her on chest pains because we all know they're not going to admit you for freakin heartburn. UGH.  So after 4 days of being in there she's fine..imagine that!!!  All test show normal..no signs of inflammation or problems.  I could type ALOT more but I don't have time lol.  I have no idea why in the heII they baby her...ugh.  They treat her like a freakin 4 year old and she's got them all fooled.  I was up there one day at the hospital, just me and her.  They brought lunch in there..grilled chicken sand.  side mayo and veggies to put on it.  They had bowl of veggie soup..a dessert..with her tea and juice.  This was the 1st full day in hopsital.  Mind you she's still in SO MUCH PAIN from eating and gas..  So she ate..her chicken sand.. some veggie soup and ALL of her dessert.  Told DH that night she didn't eat much at all because of hurting and gas..until I told him what she really had. UGH.. I swear..I need something for nerves..she's driving me nuts!!!!! Oh and come to find out..my niece and nephew usually spend the night with her every now and then because we all know she's scared to stay alone, anyways..come to find out..this spell magically come on when no one has spent the night for 2 nights in a row.  Ironic huh??  

I've tried my best to keep up with everyone with my phone lol.. only so much you can do on a smaller screen lol.  I'll be checking in for sure now!! :)  

Just wanted to say thank you soo much to all my friends here.  You have no idea how much I appreciate everything!!

This IS never ending. :(
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by krichar, Jul 26, 2013
I hope and pray you get some relief (both physically and emotionally) I know it's hard, I've never dealt with constant physical pain but I know what it's like to have your body fail you :( I'm glad you found a support group, sometimes that helps a lot to talk to someone who knows...have you thought about a counsellor? Not only to vent but to get help with strategies to deal with it all? I know it's helped me in my dark times

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 26, 2013
Thanks so much Krichar.  It's very hard dealing with pain..especially never ending pain.  I know not all days are awful..but those that are..the pain is soo bad I can't take it.  I literally knock myself out..my body just can't handle it without throwing up.  I have thought about a counsellor and I'm very tempted to find one and start going.  At least get it all out, with the help in return.  Who knows, I may need some kinda freakin nerve pill..I promise..it's all driving me crazy!!!  I've also thought about seeing someone for pain. I have no idea why..in all the years I've seen dr.'s here and there for pain before being diagnose and even after....none of them have even offered anything for pain.  I've learned to deal with it for the most part, but there are about 10 days out of the month, here and there not all at once..that I need something to help.  I hate that pill seekers keep me from getting the help I need.  

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by hopeitworks, Jul 26, 2013
Des- I am so sorry you are going through all this. I think first you need to find a Dr who truly understands and has compassion. Believes you and your pain. I thankfully found that in my OB and believe me he wrote me more scripts than there were script to be written, one lady on the office though I was a pill seeker til I gave her a piece of my mind and told her to look at my damn file before making assumpions!
NO one who hasn't endured endo can understand the pain, I have been there I was there for many years 3wks out of month being in pain, at least 1-1.5wks barely moving. Starting on low dose pain medicine only to be given the highest they can give you without a IV and that still not touching the pain.
KNowyou are not alone. I am aways her to listen and for you to talk to feel free to PM me anytime with questions or just to reassure yourself you are not alone
I think you should def get yourself on some meds if you feel you need it. Your hormones are out of whack and this causes a imbalance meds can def help you out
Also make a effort everyday to step outside, walk around the house breath in the fresh air, hubby is right to not wnt you tobecome a hermit and you don't want that either.

good luck and im here for you

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 26, 2013
Thanks so much Hope, for everything!!   It's soo crazy!  I hate when they look at you like it's even coming out of their pocket.  This dr. seems understanding and he's a urologists.  The gyno thinks alot of pain is coming from this IC..why can't they get together on things?  Sure would make my life simplier (like that would ever happen).  I go back to the uro in less than 2 weeks and I'm going to seriously discuss my pain.  You know when you're at the dr.' s office you forget a million things.  SO I called back about something for pain.. the nurse tells me to take Azo..it's for urgency..and pain.   I get the medicine (it's over the counter) read the directions and you can only take it for 2 days.  WHAT???  I swear, no one understands..well most dr.'s don't anyways.  I know you all understand.   I have pain meds left over from surgery..I save those for the "bad days".  They don't even phase the pain, but at least they let me sleep.  If those don't help, what the heII makes her think freakin Azo is going to do anything.  I'm soo frustrated with everything.  I keep quite alot now.  I LOVE to laugh and especially making people laugh..but I sit here, annoyed, hurting and hopeless.   I pray when I go back in the 2 weeks..things will be different. He wanted to do some kina of bladder flush for pain when I was there the other day.  I need to figure out what my insurance covers on all of this stuff.  Where do I begin? Just call the insurance co?    Did I mention I feel overwhelmed with everything?    I just want to scream!!!  

I took Sohpie for a walk today..Outdoors is my fav. place to be so I'm trying...  I don't want to become a hermit it..  I just want help.  

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by hopeitworks, Jul 26, 2013
Call the urgologist back ask for Pyridium(sp) this helps with theurgency and also some of the pain/spasm it will ake u pee yello/orange all diff colors so wear a panty liner but if def helps!!!!

as for the ob/urologist they should be getting together my ob,re and urologist and gyn oncologist all exchange emails/charts etc and discuss together what theyfeel is best for me
so I think you need to recommend that, also speak up on your pain and tell them what works/doesn't explain to them from surgerues in the past A works better than B and C doesn't workat all

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by Ellen038, Jul 26, 2013
I would suggest seeing a pain management doctor.  I have endo and chronic pain from multiple back surgeries and current herniations in my back and neck.  The azo is the same as pyridium except its the OTC version.  When I had my kidney stone surgeries I was given an rx for 3 per day.  You may see if the Urologist thinks three is ok for you to take along with something for the pain.  If he won't prescribe pain medicine then ask for a referral to a pain management doctor.  They are trained to treat all different kinds of pain.  For example nerve pain doesn't really respond to narcotics it responds to meds like lyrica and neurotin.  So when I saw the PM doc he prescribed lyrica and pain meds for both the nerve pain and back pain that I have.  Now some things are not safe while ttc so a PM doc will know these things too and will work with your OB as well.  Chronic pain really wears you down, I can relate to that.  I have dealt with lots of different pain the majority of my life.  If there is something I can help you with you are always welcome to message me..

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by pb95, Jul 26, 2013
Wow.  That is a lot to deal with.  I can't relate entirely.  I've had two months of issues and I'm going crazy from just that!  I can't imagine how it must be to deal with it for longer.   I think you have a good plan thought out.  I don't know how it is in Alabama, but here we have groups that are free even if you don't have coverage.  I think it is a great idea to talk to someone.  I hope your road to relief is almost done.  I'm sure it must be hard but depend on your hobbies and your canning and all that good stuff to keep you busy and keep your mind off it.  When you have this chance in a month when DH WILL check out because of the clomid, you want to make sure you are as ready for it as possible with keeping yourself balanced and happy.   Your month is a cycle of anticipating the pain, is there something that you can do to help alleviate that?  Ever thought about taking a course or something online - this way you can still be home when the pain is bad but are thinking about other schedules and deadlines?  Not for everyone I know, but something similar?  You are so creative and determined!

As much as MIL drives you crazy, I do feel bad for her being alone and maybe she needs to talk to someone too.  She has to know she can't continue this behaviour. Maybe she needs to  be in a retirement apartment and make some friends?  

I really wish I could support you and understand more.  Lots of hugs coming your way!!!

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 26, 2013
Hope tysm, they have me on Oxybutynin for urgency and told me to take Azo for pain. It doesn't help at all.  How often can I take this?  The box only said for 2 days but I'm not seeing how that could possibly help.  I'm definitely going to see if I can get them on the same track..it'd be much easier!

Ellen, tysm.  I completely agree that not all pain meds are good for just any ol pain. I'm willing to work with and try anything. I just want some relief.

Pb, I'm trying to deal with it all the best way I can. I'm not saying I hate Brian's mom..she has never acknowledged me as her daughter n law...it's like she chokes on the words if she has to say them.  At the hospital she had to write down contacts and she wrote down our number and said "Brian and his wife".  Lol..I'm at the end with her.  She never calls anyone else for anything..it's always us and I'm just done with it all.  She's not even 15 min from our house..we've offered her to come over and stay ALOT of times..she refuses to leave her house, unless she don't feel good.  I can't stop my life because she's having a "fake spell".  Her daughter did take her to look at apartments in town.  She'll be around people her age..a nurse comes by once a week to check on her and actually she sounds pretty excited about it.  
So far nothing I've taken has helped with the pain.  I just sleep through it when it gets real bad.  I'm hoping they can either send me somewhere to get me some help somehow with the pain.  I'm so ready to start feeling better.   Tysm for everything!!  

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by retta483, Jul 26, 2013
oh Des i'm so glad your back ! Im praying Brian has a better count from the clomid and that you can get the meds you need to make you better . Im praying for your bfp I think it will be soon never lose hope !! easier said than done i know but just keep saying it im going to get pregnant this year . Im sorry about the mil mine got a weed card so she is actually being nice lol she is on midisinal sp marajuana . thank god she is in WA and im in CA :)  things are going to look up !! xx

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 26, 2013
Thanks so much Retta..this is home away from home :) I really hope and pray we see a difference, even if it's a small one..anything is better than none.  I'm trying not to lose hope but it's soo hard.  I know I"ve said it a thousand times but I just wished things could be easier. Lol@ your mil getting a weed card..I wished his mom had one. I could maybe tolerate her then lol.  Ugh his mom is 15 min away..i'd rather her be in a different state. I know that may sound mean..but you all have no idea! lol.  She's evil and I think her life mission is to make my life heII.  She's a constant complainer..she's always sooo grouchy and she wonders why no one has invited her to live with them :|.   Thanks again hun, I hope you're right about things looking up!

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by pb95, Jul 27, 2013
You are definitely a saint!  I have been lucky to have a pretty good MIL.  We're not besties or anything, but we do get along.  I can't imagine adding that kind of conflict to my life!

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by Risa615, Jul 28, 2013
Des, thinking about you and hoping you feel better soon. So not fair that you have to deal with the pain and that you have tough decisions  to make. You know I am always hear for you girlfriend!
Risa

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 28, 2013
Thank you both soo much.  PB, I wished she could be a friendly person and we'd get along great!  She's the type that it's all about her and no one else. She never called after I had surgery...she didn't call to check on her own son when he had the god awful flu for 7 days..she don't "remember" to call him for his birthday.. she's awful!  I'd love to have a wonderful mother in law, but I got the monster from heII :|.

Thank you Risa!!  I hope to have some kind of positive concoction going on after my next uro visit. Relief of any kind, especially pain would be a blessing.

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by krichar, Jul 28, 2013
I with you on the monster in law... Mines dumber and more clueless then a sack of hammers. I swear you could smack her upside the head and she'd look to see if the sky was falling...

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by mhv, Jul 28, 2013
gosh Desarae, I am sorry to hear you are having such a rough time right now.  I hate to see you are in so much pain.  I don't know anything about what your going through....other then the fertility, so I don't know anything about your medications, but please call and see what they say.  Maybe you could google the med name and fertility together and see if anything comes up??  

Your MIL would drive me insane!  You are an angel for what you go through with her!

So, your hubby is going to take clomid for another month first??  When is your hubbys appt now?  I sure wish you had answers.  I know you hate waiting.... I hate the waiting for you!  

We missed you here and are glad you are back!!!!  You are such a positive person to everyone!!!

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by pb95, Jul 28, 2013
http://www.motherisk.org/
This is the site we are told to look to in Canada for the latest about drug contraindications(SP?) with pregnancy.

Maybe some answers there?

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 29, 2013
Thanks so much Mhv.   She does drive me bonkers..I told my mom while Dh's mom was in the hospital that I was going to wind up in there also, but on a different floor :|  Yes Brian is taking it for another month, this will make the 3rd month.  I'll purchase his 4th month because urologists said if he ever stopped it he wouldn't be able to start it again sooo, while he's being checked after his 3rd and if it IS better then he'll be going on his 4th month.  IF not, he'll just stop it all together.   Yes, waiting is the worst.  For now I'm at peace with the decision to stop everything at least until I get some relief for this, who knows how I'll feel if we get the news that it's not helping Brian:(. No cure, but any kind of pain relief and healing would be wonderful. I think I'd have some sanity back if I wasn't in constant pain.  I know not everyday is god awful, but almost half a month is and that's more than I want to deal with anymore.  Tysm, I really missed being here.  I am soo grateful for all the friends I've made her..that's probably why I still have some sanity :).  

Tysm pb!!  I'll check this out!!  

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by HandOfFate, Jul 30, 2013
I sure feel for you. It sounds like your mom in law needs someone other than your husband to baby. Hopefully having a baby around the house will be exactly what this family needs to smooth things out and mend hearts.

Do you feel that she doesn't like you personally, Des? Do you feel that your husband should just say, "Hey mom, you're fine, stay home and suck it up - we've been down this road and it's always a false alarm?"

Do you feel your husband is racked with guilt that your mom is left alone?

Other than the manipulation she seems to have over your husband and some others, do you like your mother in law?
It's not a crime not to, lol, I'm just curious.


I can't wait to see how your husbands sperm count turns out! I'm very interested in his sperm! lol. Des, I want this to work for you so badly and I know it will happen - just hang in there.
Depression is a big B to get past. I nearly sank into oblivion after 20 years of it being nothing but a dream. You will succeed, but we need to get your pain level down!

Very important before trying to raise them demanding little buggers :) I deal with pain non-stop and I'm truly suffering...so they suffer too.

Big hugs to you, my friend. Almost 5am. night night and let that grass grow a little longer so you can think.

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by Ellen038, Jul 30, 2013
Des imagine if you MIL lived directly across the street from you and you didn't get along. She played both you and DH, asks you both the same question to see what we each say. Talks about your personal things in front of others, tries to be the big guy all the time, steals from your home when you ask her to doggy sit. You worked with her for nearly 8yrs and she came over unannounced and unlocked the front door and walked in as if it were where she lived while your taking a shower. That's MY monster in law. I am sorry you have to deal with her on top of everything else. I can SO relate!! 21 yrs of this crap and I've managed not to strangle her. I don't want to tell her our news either cuz I know she will retire and be over here every day and she is NOT welcome to do that.

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 30, 2013
Tysm HandofFate!!!  She's an evil woman.  Brian's dad had NO problem showing his love..calling us his daughter n laws and all that and I think she was jealous.  It wasn't a huge deal really but she is soo dramatic. She was just "ok" with me when Brian and I were dating, but after we got married she was awful.  She NEVER spoke to me when we'd go in up there..I'd strike up a conversation being friendly and I'd get short answers.  She'd try to tell me how to fold Brian's clothes while they were at our house.  The ONLY reason they came to our house was because Brian's dad wanted to visit.  Brian and his dad had a terrific father/son relationship.  She tried to baby Brian so much but after I came along, she was so jealous that she "forgot" to call him for his birthday and when he was sick. She NEVER called me for anything, let alone birthdays and such. Brian does everything she wants, now especially since his dad is gone and I'm ok with that. I completely understand and I help out also.  We mow her grass, I take her to dr. visits like the eye dr when she can't drive, heart dr.'s and so forth.  Brian was a big surprise when she conceived him so they're older.  His mom is 72.  It's not me personally that she don't like, but she's worse with me.  Even her own granddaughter sees it. For example...  I sat with her in the hospital while she was having a "spell" recently and wound up being NOTHING wrong with her, but anyways...I sat with her 2 different days (mind you her own daughter didn't even do this)  then we'd go back at night to visit.  So anyways, she has 2 small dogs at home that I looove and I went to feed them one morning while I was heading to the hospital.  I was in the house and noticed her teeth (dentures lol) were in that little bowl thingy..so I was going to be nice enough to take them to her.  In front of everyone..she says "did you remember to bring the wash stuff so I can put them back in the bowl?"  I said "oh gosh no, I forgot I'm sorry, I"ll get it this afternoon when we come back up here and she said.." A lot of sh!tt!in good they're doing me now"  :|  She's soo rude, ungrateful and grouchy.  I bend over backwards to try to get her to like me and I'm done.    Brian has told her, here lately especially, to stop worrying because that's what the problem is.  We're not even 10 min away..it's not like it'd take us hours to get there.   And I'm sick of her calling US for EVERYTHING!! when she has 2 others sons and a daughter.  Oh and also, I'd never let her watch a child of mine, ever lol.  I know that may sound mean, but I have had years of reasons lol.    
Lol@ interested in my husbands sperm...So am I!!   Hopefully we'll get at least some positive results.  It don't have to be a lot, just be some!  I want this to work so bad I can't see straight.  I go back to the urologists on Aug 6th and I think I'm going to start the DMSO treatments. It's like a bladder flush..hopefully it'll help.   I completely agree about getting help with pain and such first.. I want to be able to be everything for my child and no matter what pain I'll give it my all but hopefully this will help. :)

Oh my gosh Ellen, I do not want her that close LOL.  I'm soo sorry you've got a monster also.  I cannot believe he does that, I'd kill Brian LOL.  Oh goodness..I'm sorry you can't even let her know about this, but I completely understand.  Mine had the nerve to say "like they need kids, they're to much of a kid themselves" .   LIke I asked her opinion ugh.   I HOPE that if she finds out she doesn't annoy you even more. :(   I know mine wouldn't when it came to that..she don't even get out of the house unless it's dr.'s appointments or a "false alarm".  :S    Have you ever said anything to her?  I always expect DH to say things to his mom as I would to mine if I didn't agree with her or how she was acting, but Brian rarely ever says anything to his mom, that p!sses me off even more.  There's no way I'd let her come in my house with a key though..that's just wrong.   I'm sorry we both have one of these :(  

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by Ellen038, Jul 30, 2013
She no longer has a key to the one door so she can only get in if we want her to now. She says she likes me but she's always plotting against me. I've seen her babysit DHs cousins kids and its not good. She is 70 so very close in age to your monster. My family is highly complicated and dysfunctional. I do tell my parents when they are wrong and DH holds grudges against them but like your DH he really doesn't say anything to his mom. DH has gotten a little better since all the ivf stuff, he's kind of separated from her a bit and won't tell her anything about us now. She used to call DH and tell him I wasn't being nice to her (crying on the phone) a real drama queen too!!  When she kicks the bucket we will get to move somewhere nice, far away from the city.

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 30, 2013
Oh that's good.  Ha, they say they like us only to please their baby boys.   I'm with you on the complicated and dysfunctional part.  My family can't even leave on the morning of vacation without having a family blowout LOL. His family don't go on vacation :S.  Brian can complain all day long about my family, especially my sister and dad, but if I EVER say anything about his..omg it's like I've committed the worst sin ever.  I get sick of it.  Lol@ her crying calling your DH to tell him that you're not being nice to her.  Ahh gotta love their drama. I don't understand the big deal other than I married her baby..   Does your DH have any siblings?

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by Ellen038, Jul 30, 2013
Nope it's just him and he refuses to talk to the rest of his family cuz they suck. His dad passed away 2 yrs ago right before Christmas but he never saw him the 21 yrs I have been with him

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by Des_a_rae, Jul 30, 2013
I am really close to Brian's brother but his sister tries to be a goody 2 shoes.  HA!  TRIES!  He has another brother but he's worthless and I mean, worthless!  I'm sorry to hear about your DH's situation with his dad.  I'm so thankful Brian's dad was good to me.  I miss him all the time.

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