Aug 09, 2013
Have you seen the 5 year survival rate for people with stage IV RCC? <10% Not very promising. What the hell am I doing with my life? I shouldn’t look stuff up anymore. I kinda forgot about those numbers for a little while until my school was all like, “here, have Epocrates for free!” And then I got the brilliant idea to look it up. I know better than that. You don’t look at survival statistics. You. Just. Don’t. Now what kind of hope can I have? Why am I even bothering with school? Why can’t things be like they used to be before I actually had to care about all of this stuff? I feel like I’m mourning a future I’ve never had and I don’t even know what’s going to happen to me yet. Stupid statistics.
So...about statistics...I hate them. The survival rate for people with Stage IV metastatic RCC...people like me...is less than 10%. People always say it's better than 0%, and it is, but the number still stands. Taunting me. I know I'm not supposed to worry about things like that right now, but that's much easier said than done. It's even harder when your doctor is a "straight shooter" who reminds you of things like this occasionally saying, "I just want you to know what you're up against."
It's hard to "be strong" and "keep fighting" when the thing I'm fighting is myself, and all I really do is sit there and get injected with poisonous chemicals. I wouldn't call that much of a fight. Not a fair one, at least. What if I don't have the energy for this anymore? I know there are people who have had cancer for much longer and have had to put their lives on hold...people who are worse off, but that doesn't take away the frustration and pain that I'm feeling. It's like saying I can't be happy because other people have it better than me. It just doesn't seem to work that way.
I have little to no control over what's happening to me, and that makes it hard to deal with. I know what Randi would have me do right now, but I'm not as strong as her. And I know she got frustrated and down, don't get me wrong, but she had much more "fight" in her than I feel like I have right now. And who knows, if I die...I'll get to see her again, so maybe that wouldn't be so bad. It would sure be a lot less financial stress on my family. My mom is about to lose it with all of these medical bills. I could ramble on about how depressed I feel right now, but I think I'll spare you. The fact remains though, that 10% is not a large number, and only a few people get to be in that 10%, and it doesn't seem like it will be me. And what about 10 years out? 15? 20? The numbers just get lower and lower from there.