My Life

I was diagnosed just six months ago, although I was sure I knew what was wrong with me years before this.  I just never wanted to admit it to myself.  I finally hit an extremely rough manic episode that scared me enough to make a trip to a pdoc.  I thought for sure when I walked through the doors of that clinic that when I finally got an actual confirmation that I would feel so much better.  I was floored when I found out I was wrong.  It turned me upside down.  I have been put on Lamictal, and it seems to be working with my moods as far as I can see, but I still don't feel 'different.'  I guess we're not supposed to feel different, just be able to control ourselves better.  I think that this disorder has actually done wonders for me, in that I am very good at writing poetry, and that I can see things much more intensely than many other people.  The things that I don't like about the meds is that they have dulled my sense of intense observation, and the poetry comes less frequently.  I don't want to live my life without meds, but I sure don't want to lose what I consider one of my best qualities.  It kind of feels like a catch 22.  I am married, and I have 2 beautiful children, but I have a controlling, non supportive husband. He is going in school studying for a master's degree in counseling, and he insists that he knows everything there is to know about bipolar disorder.  He only knows what he reads in textbooks, and instead of asking me how I feel, he tells me how I should feel.  All of our martial problems (past and present) are blamed on me and my disorder, his problems and practically all of the problems in the world are blamed on me as well.  He's always been emotionally and mentally abusive (in fact, I think that maybe some of the stuff that we've gone through, or the things he's put me through, rather have effected the way this disorder has progressed), but now he is much worse.  He continuously calls me names, tell me I'm crazy in front of the kids.  The worst thing is that he won't listen to a word I say because now he thinks I am stupid. I am nowhere near an ignorant woman, and his comments hurt.  I want to leave but he has made it extremely difficult for me to get a job in the last two years, he won't let me near any of our money (well, what he considers his money because he is the only one that works....although I would like to know how he thinks the house work gets done and his kids are taken care of if I do absolutely nothing all day long), and I am afraid that I will lose my kids because I don't work if I try to leave him.  I have never been hospitalized, never been completely unstable, but still he insists that he will get full custody of our children if I ever leave because of my disorder.  I go crazy trying to talk to him because no matter what I say he is always right.  Its just so frusturating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Anyway, That's my rant for the day!!  Hope everyone else is doing much better!