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Tramadol & Ultram Recovery Room #60

Aug 31, 2013 - 278 comments
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Addiction

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Love

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Welcome Tram Warriors!

Part 60. Wow.

Over the years of recovery and reading about others, seeing others recover the main thing I have learned is that everyone's life is better without being a slave to Tramadol.

You might be stuck and scared right now, but you can make the decision to get yourself off the hamster wheel of Tramadol dependency and even addiction.  You don't have to live that way.

There's lots of people here to help.


Love and healing,
Emily





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by EmilyPost, Aug 31, 2013
Waterview and all ...



I think there's an attitude that surrounds becoming sober or giving up pills that is a severe ... hindrance to people who have stopped taking pills.  At 45 days or so, and beyond there's the loss of the initial feeling of victory and success and the body is exhausted.  It's a dangerous time.  People forget how awful it was to count pills or waste an hour a day trying to figure out how to get them, how to take them, how to be able to pay for them.


The thing that helps is starting to do that the things that will really help you cope over the long term haul.  Going back to being social, slowly.  Hiding less.  Exercise, focus on nutrition and focus on getting endorphins.  Most people I believe experience some degree of PAWS coming off a drug like Tramadol.  It's brutal.  Because it is not ... regarded yet as what it truly is, the addicted person can think it is not a big deal.  But if you read, you will find plenty of hard core addicts who insist that coming off tramadol is worse than coming off heroin.  That's.  Really bad.


To me, the experience of getting off pills was like a Spiritual crackup.  A breakdown.  And I just think anyone who says that life is great immediately after spending years on pills, I think they are lying or they are still in their pink cloud.  Is life better? Yes.  But considering what they have done and how weakened their body is ... soul sickness doesn't leave easily or quickly.


But,  It does leave.


You will have real joy. Real Love.  Real happiness again.  But it takes time.  And it takes planning and most of all it takes grace.  I think it is a miracle that people recover at all.  So many of us should have been deadsville.


The most popular question I get is ... "How long does it last?  How long will it take?"


It takes longer than you want it to. It takes longer than it should.  It's 2000000 times longer than any doctor ever told you it would be. Since. It's not addictive.  Right?  *wink*


You'll get there but it's not a journey that ends with a cake and a big bouncy house.   Life doesn't treat people kindly when they are weakened and self protection and love is as important as toughness and the dogged refusal to swallow any more pills.



Basically ... you can do it .... when it gets horrific ... validate it.  "This is horrific."  Cause it is.  Validation helped me and continues to.  It was the only tool I had at many points.  No one knows how bad this is until they have been here.  And thankfully, most forget.


Love and healing,

Em


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by waterview4326, Aug 31, 2013
Emily as usual I cried reading this. I thank you for saying we will get there, we will have real joy, boy I long for that. Emily I love what you said about planning and grace, it takes so much planning on my part right now, if I did not plan my day well I would just sit and stare all day, it is how I really feel, blah. Each day I do believe in grace because it is a miracle I do what I do because things are such an effort still.

  Mostly Emily thanks for responding, I really feel sad but knowing inside I can validate why, well it makes sense. This does take longer than I thought, I thought 2 weeks I would feel great. I also agree this IS a dangerous time for us because the horrific withdrawls are past us, our mind says one won't hurt, however I know I am an addict, my life was consumed by those little white pills. Emily what you said in, "NO ONE KNOWS UNLESS THEY HAVE BEEN THERE" is so true because if I were not IN IT so to speak, I would NOT believe the depression that comes with this process, once again thank you for helping me, I am trying so hard.

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by JessGehl, Aug 31, 2013
Update.

Tomorrow is day 90 days clean of tramadol. And well.......i still feel like crap. depression brain fog....anxiety..dread. its like never letting up its so stupid. Makes me wonder if it will ever get better. Its a struggle. its a long journey of HELL. I want to feel love for my husband again. i want to feel love for things i used to love. but it just isn't there. and it kills me! Idk...I hope it gets somewhat better soon....cause wow. this isn't life.

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by Kylie4501, Aug 31, 2013
Hey Everyone,

So a couple weeks ago I was 3 days in without any Tramadol and then my Doctor recommended that I continue my slow taper since my back was killing me. It wasn't just a sore back from pregnancy, it still hurts very badly when I get up and walk. I have been to the Chiropractor three times and no luck. Looks like I just have to wait it out until my baby is born.

Anyway, so I went back on Tramadol and am staying at 3 a day, sometimes I take a 4th one. I found out that I have to have a C-section on Sep 18th because she is still breech. I made the decision to stay on Trams until she is born just because of the amount of pain I am in from my back, and for the fact that I will be getting pills after my C-section. I don't want to go through these withdrawals if I am going to have to go through them again after stopping the pain pills, you know? I feel really bad that I was three days in, but I felt I was putting myself through so much agony. I literally cry almost every night because of how bad my back hurts. This is such a joyous time in my life and I decided to stay on the pills until she is born so that I can enjoy these last couple weeks. Once she is born I know it will be easier to quit CT when I don't have all the pregnancy aches and pains.

I will continue to lurk on here until I try CT again. Thanks everyone for their support over the last couple months!!

All of you going through the depression right now, keep going!!! You can do this, don't look back, you guys have come so far and should be so proud:)

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by nyeev12, Aug 31, 2013
Hey all,hope everyone is blessed and well. I officially hit day 5 off of tramadol. I surprizingly had a great time at my birthdaydinner last night. I made it thru! I have been feeling blah but functionable with naps in between. The clonidine and gabapentin have been making this very very tolerable,I mean, don't get me wrong,I would rather not be going thru this at all but at least I can function and for that I'm greatful. I don't have to take much of the clonidine anymore but I am tapering off slowly,as I will do with the gabapentin,I still need the immodium unfortunately but today,I can definitely see the improvement. Anxiety is there but to a minimum,it happens in waves. Right now,I'm laying on my couch,I had a bad flare up of stomach issues so I took immodium and am resting. My daughter is THANKFULLY playing quietly and she comes to check on me. My husband is working all day...he's been gone since 5am and will not be home until 11 pm so we have a ways to go but I'm okay...I'm downing gatorade and water and I feel fine other than the flare up. Going to dinner wa friend in a bit so looking foward to that. I do want to say THANKYOU to those who replied. Kylie,you are AMAZING SISTER!1 I HAD SEVERE MS when I was pregnant with my daughter,I have bad ms with all pregnancies,I have miscarried untl my daughter but all pregnancies were the same,bad ms!! THANKFULLY,because of this, I didn't want ANYTHING to do with tram when I got pregnant with my daughter. If I just LOOKED at the bottle,I barfed!1 what a blessng because I had zero w/d ,not sure if the severe ms overpowered the w/d or what but I was GREATFUL...I didn't use for the whole pregnancy and about three months post pregnancy.You would have thought I would have taken that and ran....but...no...I started taking tram again for my migraines and thus began the cycle. I was up to maybe 14 a day before my pregnancy but thankfully,it has not gone past 10 a day on bad days and 8 a day other days....I really comend you for going thru this while pregnant. You are a trooper! Keep going and don't look back!

Oh, I forgot to mention, I have been on vitamins too and they do help!!

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by L_Lady, Sep 01, 2013
the depression is bad. but its like some people say about the military /boot camp:  I wouldn't want to go through it Again,  but I'm glad I.had the experience.   it DOES get better.  I'm feeling emotions other than dread now.  life isn't perfect,  but its good.  I frequently forget I used to be addicted to a prescription drug.  


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by JessGehl, Sep 01, 2013
I can totally understand why people start taking Tramadol again. PAWS are awful just awful. im so mad!! I ONLY USED TRAMADOL FOR SIX MONTHS!! and never more then 100mg a day! you would think i would start feeling better but no! I AM SO MAD! I'm not trying to discourage anyone BUT OMG! I want to feel better for the love of GOD! I know i can't start taking them again but its just so hard....this is so hard. I am fighting off a panic attack at the moment. and I am so foggy and so depressed. I feel like I am dying. Idk what to do..........i have started journal to try and get my mind off of it but guess what i write about in my journal......you guessed it..........PAWS. I have been going for walks in the morning and afternoon but that doesn't even help. I just wanna die. get struck by lightning or get shot in the head idk.........death seems so much easier. but i know i can't do that either because it would kill my husband and my family. but none of them understand what i am going through. How could they? Sometimes i look at my husband and i get sooo mad because he is just fine he isn't going through this he is living his life like he always has. I hate myself for ever taking Tramadol. I hate TRAMADOL! and then there is this voice in my head going if you just take one it will all be better you will have you life back. HA what a lie. Im not going back to counting pills and panicking that i am running out or how i am going to pay for them. But idk what to do anymore. I am still on klonopin and i have no intention of getting off of that. it helps with my Schizophrenia but maybe it is making my PAWS worse IDK!! My heart is heavy...........and i am drained of everything i ever was.........i don't even remember what it is like to be me! not even a little i just live in this Tramadol fog depression. THAT IS MY LIFE!

Sorry for ranting but idk what else to do......

Help

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by dm3410, Sep 01, 2013
I NEED HELP!!!!!  IM in the middle of my 3rd or 4th relapse on tramadol in just the last 30 days!!!  The quitting part I can do its STAYING OFF THEM now thats the problem. I want my old life back and ive been wanting off so my kids dont grow up with me in a tramfog and miss out on their lives but I just cant seem to go more than about 11 days without relapsing somehow. Today would have been a week but yesterday I ran into an old neighbor who just happened to have just filled a script for tramadol and offered me some and all the motivation I had to stay clean went right out the window and took them all last night. The relapse before this I went 9 days than the one before that I went 8 days. ITS CRAZY!!!!!  Its like once the physical withdrawals are gone thats when the trams really start "calling out for me". Ive read about PAWS so I know its a long process to recover but the mind control these things have over me is crazy!  Sometimes it seems my back pain makes wanting to stay off them hard but what really gets the tram voices going is boredom or stress. I just want off these so bad and actually STAY off scamadol forever!!!!!!

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by KC67, Sep 02, 2013
dm3410 - I feel your pain.  I started taking trams about 10 years ago.  And for 10 years I have been on a increase/decrease/quit roller coaster.  This is one powerful and scary drug.  I believe all of the people who have come on this journal and said that heroin is easier to get off of than trams.  Yes, "crazy" is a perfect word for the way this drug operates.  

I have seen people on this journal that were only on tram for a few weeks and have had horrible withdrawals.  Just know what you are up against.  And go to war!  Tram does not deserve to have this much control over our lives.  

I just hit my 90 day mark.  This is the longest I have ever quit trams.  I am very proud of myself, but I know well the heavy depressing fog and random anxiety that JessGehl and Waterview describe.

It is very real and Emily is right.  Validating is so important.  This is a long and lonely withdrawal.  It absolutely *****.  But I am determined to make it to the other side.  No matter how long it takes.   I want my life back.

Also, Emily mentioned it being a dangerous time after the physical withdrawals are done.  That is so true.  I know that is why I relapsed so many times.  My body is still exhausted at 90 days out.  I put it through a lot and I need to show myself some grace in the healing process.  Time.

I have a lot more good days now.  But I still think about taking trams every day.  Especially on the "blah" days where I just feel so sad and hopeless and lonely.  I am so glad I don't have any in the house to tempt me.

L_Lady - nice to see you back.

Keep fighting everyone.  One day at a time.  We will get there.


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by waterview4326, Sep 02, 2013
FC congrats on over 90 days that is huge. Also Jess I feel your pain. I am at 48 days today and I hate to say this but the depression is bad today.  I have to wonder am I depressed, I am just mad at everything in my life. I created my own life so WHY am I so mad at my family. Today my husband has been building this garage and I mean it's a true man cave but I KNOW he has gone so far overboard with it. Why am I so full of rage over it? I mean I NEED space in dealing with everything, he is giving me space but I am mad at that also. I am wondering have I been mad at him before tramadol and it made me THIS numb, I don't know. Today is my son's 21st birthday, I am sad over that also, hubby did not make over it like I wanted him to so I am mad over that, gheesh what is my problem. After son went to school I went back to bed and sobbed, like the kind of sobbing where you can't breathe, now I just pulled myself together. I am wondering is this the tram still talking or am I just a miserable unhappy person.

   I have to wonder is it possible this is all tram related? My husband has always been this way, why am I now so angry? I don't know HOW to process this anymore. My husband is good and my son is happy, it's me, I think. Anyway still glad I am sober, so sorry to vent, son will be home in an hour, I have to pull myself together. I keep hoping this will pass, I am forcing myself to socialize a bit more, exercise except for today when I sobbed. Is anyone else like this?

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by EmilyPost, Sep 02, 2013
It's the Tram Dear Waterview.  That's a normal part of the recovery.  The out of control weird anger.  It's safe to be angry at the Family cause you know they love you.  It will pass.  The tram LOVES to tell people, "You suck, look at you you're suppperrrrr crazy and rageful!  You NEED me.  Take me, take just one.  You can control this,  without me, you are out of control.  I was helping you."

Don't listen to it.  It's a trick.

KC thank you for the post, it's all true.  The most helpful part was the "Go to War," attitude.  No one wants a War, but in a case like this, where a chemical has declared War on us?  Justified.  You know?

Love you all!  Don't take any Tram.  It's a big ole lie.

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by waterview4326, Sep 02, 2013
We love you to Emily!!!!!!  Thanks for always reassuring me, I could not do this without you. I won't listen to it I FORCED MYSELF to get showered and dressed, I am making my son's favorite dinner and I will FORCE myself to NOT listen to the voices. I can't believe how ANGRY I am, it's pent up, full on RAGE, crazy. I won't let it win, I will go to war on this today. I spent 5 hours pulling myself together, this started at 7, so I will try to make this a nice day, I owe it to my son, Thanks Emily.



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by Farmgal40, Sep 02, 2013
Yikes, I'm on day 29. The problem now is depression; it makes me nervous reading these posts (and I've been following back #59 for a month now) and how there are people on day 90 and STILL depressed and/or struggling. I can totally relate to what Jess said above that the pill is saying "just take one and you'll get your life back."  Don't get me wrong, I'm glad the counting pills, days, etc is gone. and being a slave to the drug is gone. I was going through the motions of life but didn't have much feeling. Now, I've stopped going through the motions of life, and only have bad feelings. It seems like between the two, the pill way sounds better on paper. I never had depression before tram, so this is not usual for me. I've done all the:  excercising, eating right, vitamins etc, and I feel like about a week ago I had a little bump in progress, but it stopped right there and went no further, and it wasn't enough, I still feel like this is no way to live. This is more than just "having a bad day" or dealing with "normal life stuff", this is a true dark place, for no apparent reason.

Gez I hate posting when it's negative, I feel guilty like I should keep my mouth shut and only share happy thoughts! I guess to end on a good note, tomorrow will be 30 days without tram and I guess I should be pretty pysched about that number. Thank you as always to everyone who share's on here!

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by KC67, Sep 02, 2013
Farmgal40 - you are not being negative.  This depression and anxiety that tram withdrawal causes is very real.  And very horrible and heavy and dark.  From what I have read right here on this journal - most people feel significantly recovered in 120 days or less.  It seems like a long time to wait, but you have already come so far.  

Also, I have read so many accounts of people suffering from post-tram related depression  - yet they never suffered depression before in their lives.  I too was one of those people.   This drug is awful and it steals everything from you.  Then it lies and creates a "false" anxiety and depression to try to get you to take it again.

As for me at 90+ days out - I am on the extended version of the trama-train healing ride - so please don't compare yourself to me.  I abused tram for over 10 years - plus was on xanax for the anxiety that tram caused.  And xanax is a whole entirely different withdrawal.   Then I was prescribed Effexor because of the depression.  I quit xanax and Effexor a few years ago and the trams are the last to go.
So my brain is probably going to take longer to heal than the average person.  

But that is okay.  I know there are a few of us extended version folks out there who need support too.  In fact, I would not have made it this far if not for the honesty, kindness, and compassion shown on this journal.

(((((((((((((((((( Emily ))))))))))))))))))))) - you rock.


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by dm3410, Sep 02, 2013
KC67-  Thanks for the advice and for your input it really helped alot. CONGRATS on 90 days!!! You should be proud.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                             Well im back to day 2. man i cant beleieve im back to DAY 2. I just HOPE to GOD i can stay away from scamadol forever. Not just for myself but for my family too. Im not religious or anything but I just pray to GOD to give me the strength to never give in to temptation and to give me the willpower to stay away from the rat poison called tramadol.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      GOOD LUCK EVERYONE                                  

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by waterview4326, Sep 03, 2013
To everyone here struggling I hate posting negative also. However I do believe the darkness, although I do know it eventually leaves, is the reason many people go back to the trams.  My anger, the EXTREME anger turned into horrible, uncontrollable crying yesterday. I always managed to do it in private however quite unsure how I pulled it off. I almost think the crying was helpful because at least for now I am not angry, I hate being so angry.

   Emily made a good point to me yesterday, one that I actually really thought about. By the time we get to the 60 day, 90 day mark I do believe that is when many of us FEEL the exhaustion of it all. By 40 days at least for me the feeling of the early stages of withdrawl have left, HOWEVER at least for me , my body is exhausted from both the mental aspect of trams AND the physical aspect of it all.  I think that is so much of the reason that some of us feel the way we do. Although it is hard I agree slowly we have to find our way back into the world and stop hiding, it is really hard at least for me. I do hope my confidance comes back soon because sometimes the FEAR going into a new situation can be overwhelming.

   One thing that is really hard for me is my husband just does not understand me right now. We have REAL problems, family things, I am not sure if I am over-reacting or not to these situations. On tramadol I did NOT react or SHOW any emotion or even an opinion about ANYTHING, today I am either boiling with anger, crying, BUT I do deal with the problems, BEFORE I just swept them under the rug, now although hard, I deal each day with the problem.My husband does not know how to react when I cry, he is NOT used to it, it just pours out of me, it hurts me when he just leaves me alone, either way I am not happy, crazy.

   However so many veteran members have pm'd me and ASSURED me this will pass. I believe them, they have walked in my shoes. I know if I can just hold on, this will pass, the depression and the emotions will even out. I don't think I was ever depressed before trams, however I have to remember obviously I had problems before because I reached for the drug to cope. So here I am almost 50 days in and I am fighting the good fight, I will keep posting positive or negative because I believe so many of us get in the depression and keep to ourselves which only leads to relapse, lonliness and isolation.

   Many thanks to all who reached out to me, I really realized I am exhausted but at least because of the wonderful people who helped me, I know why. I am so glad we can share here, to everyone here like me, keep fighting it HAS to get better.

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by nyeev12, Sep 03, 2013
Hey all, Like I posted in the forums, I am on 8 days today, almost 9,tommorow and I am SUPER DISCOURAGED!! I have not really hit a "turning" point. I am feeling BOMBARDED with the mental AND the physical stuff now and im feeling quite discouraged. Im proud of myself but im almost feeling like im going BACKWARDS...

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by nyeev12, Sep 04, 2013
So...today, I caved and took half a pill. I couldnt take the "no energy" anymore. I could handle everything else but not being able to get up from the couch just got to me. Im not giving up though, im not sure how this will set me back though. I havent gone 9 days with ZERO tramadol in four years so I AM Proud but im also bummed that I caved.

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by Molytex, Sep 05, 2013
Hi Nyeev

It happens and it is a part of addiction - relapse... The important thing is how you handle it from here. Keep it to the half a pill and don't let it spiral further out of control.

Hang in there and take one day at a time - one hour at a time..

IT WILL GET BETTER!

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by nyeev12, Sep 05, 2013
Thanks Molytex, I feel different this time, I mean like "epiphany" different. I almost developed a sort of "phobia" of the tramadol if you will. I have this very cautious mentality towards them now. It is no longer the "rock" I used to lean on. It is actually quite eerie almost how my perception has changed. Hopefully, through prayer and this site, I can recover, we all can recover.

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by Molytex, Sep 05, 2013
You absolutely can - and I can totally relate to the epiphany part... I didn't come to the conclusion at first that Trams were the devils pill - I merely figured it would be a good time to quit after 1½ year.. after 5 days the physical WD's were gone and I figured that was it - THEN the mental part hit me and it hit me hard and that was when I began educationg myself on tramadevils and the Efexor XR I have been on for many years...

It litterally scared the living s-h-i-t out of me and the epiphany came - never ever tramadol again.... never

Hang in there

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by KC67, Sep 06, 2013
Wow.  Had a couple of REALLY bad days in a row these past few days.  It was like all of the symptoms returned….including the stomach ones.  I could explain it off as a virus, yet the heavy emotional symptoms came back as well –massive anxiety, depression, darkness, anger/bitterness, tears, rage.   Sweating – then freezing.  omg.

Honestly, it felt like I was back at week 1 with an intense sidedish of emotions from hell.

My poor family.  Once again, I took it all out on them.  

This random-ness is so crazy.   I hate it.   Here I am at 90+ days out and I am having intense mini-withdrawals.  Once again, I feel like I am in the midst of war against this beast.  It was getting better there for awhile and now this setback.

But that’s all it is….a setback….and I refuse to let this stupid chemical rule my life anymore.

Does anyone out there understand what is going on in my post-tramadol brain right now?  I mean, is this still PAWS?  I want to understand what tram actually DID to my brain cells and my opiate receptors.  Does tram literally destroy our cells and our bodies have to re-build them?  Or do they just do a ton of damage to them?  What about serotonin?  I swear this massive anxiety is going drive me insane if it doesn't let up soon.

Keep fighting everyone.



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by EmilyPost, Sep 06, 2013
I'm so sorry KC, but yeah, it's still PAWS.  And it *****!

And also keep in mind that for all the years you were on Tram and other stuff, your way of dealing and coping was to take a pill.  So of course it seemed like everything was easier and smoother.  It wasn't, that was chemistry.  But still ... very very hard Honey.  

It's really normal.  Just not at all pleasant.

I think the thing to remember is that you stopped!  You aren't on that crap any more.  I know it feels like metal on gravel some days.  It won't last.  


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by waterview4326, Sep 06, 2013
KC  I am on my way out the door BUT the very same thing happened to me. I was doing well and boom a HORRIBLE 2 weeks. It has passes and I really KNOW it is the tramadol.  I will write more later as I have to go but please know it is normal I am so greatful to Emily and others who reached out to me, it was like I was back at week one also. I think the time thing is so real, I know we hate hearing it BUT it takes time for our brains to heal, It is a crazy recovery isn't it and me too I take it out on my family, I am so bad when I feel the irritability I leave when they come in the room, I feel terrible about that but I will lash out. I will respond more later.

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by KC67, Sep 06, 2013
Thanks Emily and Waterview.  

I am walking on new territory as I have never made it this many days out before.

I now realize that this is a battle for my life.  Gosh, looking back, I see WHY I relapsed so many times.  This drug is absolutely insidious.  What kind of drug produces these kinds of withdrawal symptoms for so LONG ???  The makers of tram know what exactly what they are doing....they KNOW how hard this drug is to quit.  Evil.  Pure evil.

But I will win.  I am determined this time.

Yes, this *****.  This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life.  But this time I am going to beat it.

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by nyeev12, Sep 06, 2013
Hey all!! So...two things...one, I noticed that in all 9 days of my not using trams, I did not break out in my face like normal and two, since being bk to half a pill, I have NOT been counting down hours till my next dose...I mean, I dont even THINK about trams...I took my 1/2 pill today in the morning and I didnt even THINK about them until right now but I didnt take any...wow...thats a first that I dont OBSES over them...also, I broke out with two blemishes since being bk on these dumb things...smh....

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by waterview4326, Sep 08, 2013
Today is 54 days for me. I hope to encourage all new people who are in detox and reading and those maybe tapering that it is completely possible to live a life without trams. I was a low dose but DAILY user of this drug and just wanted to share some of my journey. In the beginning because I tapered those first days were not as bad as my mind made them out to be. I had the RLS, the anxiety, the fatique, for me that has and still is the worst for me. However I will say in my honest opinion the building up in my head about detox was way worse than what I went through. Also if possible plan your detox, wash and have ready clean clothes, planned meals, just be prepared because I was and to this day I believe that helped me so much.

  What I have encountered and this is not meant to scare any newcomers because I believe it is more my age, but the sort of lingering depression has been the hardest for me. It really did not set in until a couple weeks ago. Now I have a lot going on in my life, some lingering family issues, financial issues, so I can't blame it all on tramadol BUT what is weird is each day I have the same problems and I react differently because some days I feel well great, then other days I wake up and carry that doom feeling all day long, I do everything possible to help myself but really it just stays there, the kind of negative attitude. There are days I feel fantastic, I so love those days, then again the same problems BUT they don't bother me, the days like today I feel so sad, like a funeral is going on, dragging my legs like in early detox, so if anyone is reading I believe this is all part of getting free of this drug.

   I do believe this drug is harder to let go of other opiates. I mean the depression I read a lot on here seems more common in Tram withdrawls.   However today at almost 2 months I feel pretty good about 3/4 of the time. In the beginning I felt good NONE of the time, so I do believe I am making progress. The progress seems slow BUT if you consider healing to the time we abused our bodies than it is not that long. The overall emptiness I feel is hard to deal with, like I lost someone dear to me, it nags at me at times. I don't think of the pills much anymore, however I would be lying if I said I did not miss the energy they gave me, some days I zoom around, other days I drag all day. The emptiness is what gets to me the most, I try each day to fill it up and I think I am doing well.

   To anyone thinking of getting off these, please let them go, the detox is not as bad as we make it out to be. I am older and it has really been hard to deal with the whole mental part. This truly has been the hardest thing I have been through and I have had a lot of trials in my life. I do believe if you are younger it is easier. I too am determined to find my way back tramadol free, no more counting, lying to get more refills, no more obsessing over them, wow that alone is freedom. I hold on to those good days when I feel good because I know in time I will have way more good days. Good Luck to everyone here and so thankful to have a place to put these feelings.

   Indoctrinated haven't heard from you, I have been thinking of you, how are you?  Wishing all who are reading a good day and you can beat this drug. It is what the veteran members say, it takes time, time and more time LOL!!!!!!!!!!

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by KC67, Sep 08, 2013
Today I feel like I am turning a corner - for the better.  I KNOW that the past few days of returning Week 1 symptoms were the tramadol - still leaving the building.

Emily, thank you for the reassurance.  It is so scary when these horrible depressing feelings of dread and anxiety take over.  It feels like it will never end.  But it always does.

Yes.  For the past 10+ years, I have been looking to one pill or another to "fix" me.  Make me more social, make me less anxious, help me to sleep, give me energy, make me less depressed, -  you name it.  

It is hard being sober.  I don't like the UNCOMFORTABLE-ness.  And it is so difficult to remember what I was like before I started turning to pills.

Lately, I have just been so exhausted.  My body wants to rest and heal.  Unfortunately, life is still moving at a fast pace, so getting rest is challenging.  I notice when I get a good 8-9 hours of sleep, I feel much better the next day.  

I think a lot of healing happens when we sleep.  

Since this recent flare-up of symptoms, I have been going to bed early - like 8:30 or 9pm.  Because I have to wake up at 6am every day.  I notice the dread and anxiety is way less when I go to bed early.  

Keep going everyone.  

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by waterview4326, Sep 08, 2013
KC you said the word UNCOMFORTABLE-ness, that is the feeling I feel so often. I too find it difficult to remember what I was like before this mess. Exhausted is also the word not only physical but mental ya know?  It is scary when the feelings of dread take over, thankgoodness they do end, although when in it it feels like it never will. KC so happy you feel you are turning the corner, we have so much in common by reading your posts.

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by indoctrinated, Sep 09, 2013
Just an update. I'm a few weeks off of tram, with one 2-day relapse in between. Thankfully withdrawal was not re-initiated. I felt horrible about the relapse, but I'm STILL FREE. Such a relief to not be counting pills and counting down to RX date. Feeling out of it mentally, but physically, I am in general fine. ALSO, I managed to get off Xanax. I finished the taper a little over a week and a half ago. Some people told me tapering off Xanax couldn't be done. That I would have to go to longer acting benzo and taper down. I proved that wrong. Again, there is no mental like for benzos, it was strictly physical, so I will never touch that stuff again for sure.

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
Day 2 for me. Pharmacy out of stock. I decided I'm going off these things. This morning I've had two aspirin, two Tylenol, and two Zofran. The Zofran was left over from a flu bout, and it does seem to provide a better sense of well being. There are only a few days' worth of pills though. A neighbor went out to do errands, and thinking I have a cold or flu she is picking up some nighttime TheraFlu for me. Nighttime, because daytime formulas make me jump out of my skin even without withdrawals.

My neck and upper back just hurt so bad. I keep rubbing Ben Gay on

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
I may be talking to myself for awhile, I realize people further through recovery are probably doing other things. My neighbor brought me RiteAid nighttime flu relief therapy, severe cold. Which I must say went down my throat nice and warm and is helping with body ache, runny nose and headache. It also says it has diphenhydramine and. ..I just noticed. .gulp. . .10% alcohol. I was going to recommend it, but if there are recovering alcoholics on here, never mind. It's also helping the sore throat I had which likely had nothing to do with withdrawal. Four hours after my first aspirin, I also had a couple more aspirin, this time the extra strength alka seltzer kind. That also helps with my back & neck pain -- the reason I had tramadol in the first place. I don't feel good by any means, but better than when I woke up with the heebie jeebies.

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
An important step was missed in my taking all this OTC stuff. My fuzzy head forgo to tell me to eat. Or that aspirin isn't the best thing. Thus, I tossed my cookies, making everything worse because it jarred my back so bad. I am so miserable. I did get some crackers down, then a banana and half piece of toast. took a spoonful of the cold medicine and feel a little better but nowhere near good. And then I'm wondering when I get through this what am I going to do for my pain. I though tramadol was such a find, it worked for me and I was able to get out and do things for once.

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by indoctrinated, Sep 09, 2013
Youwho, I actually read that Zofran has been seen to help with opioid withdrawal to an extent, and certain studies may find it being used against addiction of all kinds. Its a serotonin antagonist so I'm not sure how it works in that aspect. Perhaps it has something to do with attenuating peripheral haywire during WD. Keep us updated.

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
I actually looked them up after I'd already taken some. I just felt quite a bit better after I took them, but then I probably still have some of the tramadol in my system.

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
P.S. when I did look it up, one individual had written that it totally stopped their withdrawals. This I find hard to believe, but everybody's a little different. If that were common whoever makes the stuff would have a gold mine there lol

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
okay. .I am pretty convinced the zolfram is helping me. Right after taking the next dose, feeling much much better and fairly normal again. I don't know if doctors will prescribe it for that though. I hesitate to recommend things because we are not doctors, after all. This is only my own testimony.

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
sorry for so many posts. ..I'll stop after this. I just want to say that the last hour between when the medicine I have wears off and I can take it again IS pure h double toothpicks. So the zolfram not a miracle, just helping me for periods of time.


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by EmilyPost, Sep 09, 2013
I think it's impressive that you can even write full sentences youwho451.  It's going to get better.  Hope you have a nice warm bath and some Epsom salts.  That can help.  Soup and staying hydrated.  Not at all a bad plan to just act as if you have the flu.  

I'm really sorry you have to go thru it though.  I had no idea a pharmacy could run out of this junk and I am glad you are quitting.  Seriously.  That stuff is awful.

You can post all you want ok?  No one will think you are crazy or ... anything.  We have all been there.  It's really a scary feeling to be so ill.  The good thing is that you won't die.  You'll be ok.  Promise.



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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
Thanks so much. I am crying here and so grateful to find support. I AM crazy right now.
This Saturday we will be celebrating my mom's 93rd and dad's 95th birthdays -- I live with them so they can remain in their home and here I am crazy. By that day perhaps most of the heavy physical things will be over, if not it's gonna be a challenging day indeed. But flu is an okay story.

I want to thank you, Emily, for remaining here so long after your own withdrawal. Amazing.

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by waterview4326, Sep 09, 2013
Youwho451

   I just wanted to say I am around your age. I do think it is harder for us older folks. I wanted to say right now you are in the thick of withdrawls. Please remember this is temporary. I tapered for 2 months off of tramadol, what dose are you coming off of?  Please try and baby yourself right now. My symptoms were extreme fatique, felt like I was walking in quicksand, I hated the stairs in my house. Also VERY irritable, I had RLS, chills, sweats, HOWEVER it passes very soon I promise.

  What helped me most was HOT HOT baths and showers. I made SIMPLE meals for myself and my family. Everything was a chore for me that first week. I did SMALL tasks and took frequent breaks. Also CLEAN clothes were huge, I sweated through my pj's at night so I would leave a spare pair on my nightstand. Also heating pad for my legs helped the rls for me. I had a heating pad plugged in along with a fan and I would rotate back and forth. Nothing was better for me than a shower, NOTHING.

   I just wanted to offer you support. You can beat this drug. I am so greatful to be free, no more pill counting, lying to Dr's, pharmacists, really it is sheer freedom in that respect. The next few days will be difficult, it helped me to just ACCEPT that, it passes I promise. Take the time for yourself right now it will be the best decision you will ever make. Don't worry about any events just stay in the day for now, okay?  You can do this!!!!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 09, 2013
I've been taking 300 mg a day.. I hope I can find some alternative to treat my pain. Someone mentioned a drug called Neurontin for nerve pain. Frankly after feeling like this running out of a med I'm scared to take anything else though.I'll ask about it.Running out of pills is probably the best thing that could happen, really. I've been waking up every day nauseated and needing pills immediately. I really look forward to getting that behind me.

Thanks, waterview. I really appreciate your sharing your experience. Those baths do feel really great.

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by KC67, Sep 10, 2013
Welcome Youwho.
You have come to the right place to get off of tramadol.

Waterview and Emily gave great advice that will help you.  Just lay low and give yourself permission to rest A LOT.

I quit trams - for the LAST time - whoo hoo! - this past June 3rd.  I remember Father's Day was a few weeks into June and I decided to have my family over for a big Father's Day dinner.  About halfway through the dinner, I had to retreat to my bedroom because I felt so terrible.  I have never done that before in my life.  So, if I could do it over again, I would have pre-prepared a simple meal and asked for lots of help.  

As for the pain, Emily left a website link for some AWESOME cold gel packs that you can put in the freezer - I think on the last thread (#59 or #58 ???).  Anyway, this website must have been busy after she posted the link because they were sold out for awhile.  I ordered my gel pack and it took about 3-4 weeks to get here, but it is really great for the pain.  I only ordered one, but I wish I had ordered 2 (one to keep in the freezer at all times).    They help so much I often fall asleep on it and wake up to a warm gel pack.  I also use Advil or Tylenol now - not the best pain reliever, but anything is better than using tramadol.

You can do this.  And it will be the best decision you ever made once you get through the withdrawals.

I am finally feeling like I will return to normal.  

There were so many days.  I mean MANY days where I thought I was doomed to be in this darkness (anxiety, dread, pain, depression) forever.  It's the tram.  And don't listen to its voices.  They may tell you that you are better on them and that you are worth nothing without them.  All lies.

You are doing so great and you are an inspiration to me.  I keep coming back here to encourage and to be encouraged.   Thanks to all and here's to hoping you are all continuing your journey to be tram-FREE!

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by waterview4326, Sep 10, 2013
KC I just read your post and I chuckled about the ice packs. It was me Emily suggested them for because early in detox for me we had a new AC unit put in. Talk about bad timing I was an irritable mess. Anyway I ordered the gel packs and LOVE them, I ordered several because I have arthritis and Lupus and that is HOW I deal with the pain. I too fall asleep with cold gel packs because they are so soft and wake up to warm one's LOL!!!!!!!!!!

   I am so encouraged you are doing better, you are ahead of me in recovery and it makes me happy to hear you are doing better, it gives me a lot of encouragement to hear this.  The days of darkness, doom and gloom are less now BUT I do have my really depressed days still. I am still happy to be almost 60 days free of this drug and SLOWLY I find myself feeling good, the time phrase is so true, however like most here I hate the TIME word but it is TRUE. One day at a time is how I am making it.

   YouWho I hope you make the decision to not pick up the pills if they come in, I think I remember you said the pharmacy was out. You are almost through the worst of it, you can do this, let us know how you are.

   KC you rock, you are doing great and you are an inspiration to me.

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I ca do it. Don't think I could without having this place to come to. It's not good this morning. Medicine I took, the ondansetron and cold medicine, have taken the edge off but not working as well as yesterday. I do think thisis going to be the worst day as far as the "whips and jangles" are concerned. The acetaminophen keeps the body aches away, and I take my bath, drink lots of water. I can kick it. My pain is horrible, the pain I was taking the pills for, but I know I'm hypersensitive right now so I'll try to roll with it.

I started a journal, hoping it will also keep me on track.

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I keep thinking about my husband, who died two years ago from stomach cancer. He went through all of that with such grace. If he could do that, then I surely can do this. But today it's very, very hard.

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I feel schizzy. Amongst all this sickness, depression, etc. I was able to get a small minute of clarity. I felt a little better and went out to do the dishes. I realized all of a sudden I could smell the coffee literally lol, and feel the air coming through the window. I never realized tramadol was numbing all of my senses like that and not just the pain. I felt a rush of joy that I was going to feel things like a "normal" person again. This may be a horrible fight but oh boy, it's going to be worth it!

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by carwen, Sep 10, 2013
hello everyone! im new here and ive been on tramadol anywhere from 400 mg to 800mg a day. and if I knew then what I know now I would have never EVER touched one of these pills. I had fibromyalgia and was pretty much just dealing with it no pain meds at all then I fell down a flight of stairs helping my mom move and she had given me some trams till I could get to doctor. and WOW! I was amazing super woman who could do anything on these pills. I became miss social butterfly and I could get everything done plus a million other things!! at first...then one day I accidently threw my bottle in the community trash and went dumpster diving for it. im a complete germaphobe so I realized this had become a problem. now fast forward four yrs later and it has consumed my life. everything revolved around how to get more pills, counting pills how to get refills faster.....if people invited us somewhere or I had a birthday party or any event I would think okay I cant go to that unless I get a refill sooner or I cant go cuz I will be low on pills that day. PATHETIC!!! Well a series of events caused me to run out with no possibitily of refills and I also found out I was expecting again. (I did manage to stay off the trams for all my pregnancies thank goodness) well after 5 days of pure withdrawal hell complete with hallucinations which I had never had before during previous withdrawals and even an episode of complete paralysis for three hours on night three I decided enough is enough. well I am now on day 12 and those little whispers are coming back...you need tramadol you cant make it without tramadol.....so not cool. and it seems like im back on day 5 again with the full blown tramaflu. chills sweats very upset stomach ugh when does it ever end???!!!! and the ANGER! I have never had anger issues in my entire life.  I have been reading posts on here daily to keep me going. you all are amazing for how long u have managed to stay off these little evil pills. :) good luck to you all!!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
Hi Carwen, glad you are here. I am only on my third day and hanging by a thread -- but "tramaflu" made me laugh out loud. Perfect description. So if we can still laugh, all is not lost. Hallucinations and paralysis are hard core, please keep coming here for support. This is such  a lonesome feeling and we all need eachother. Hang in there. We just can't go through this again.

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
dying. . .crying. . .trying. It can't get much worse

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by EmilyPost, Sep 10, 2013
Try to eat something Dear youwho, some soup or have some chamomile tea.  The combination of the pain and the illness and disability plus the very real feeling you are dying ... it's not something that can be described to anyone who hasn't been thru this.  It's awful and I am so so sorry you have to go thru it.

Also comedy helps.  Your brain on Tram withdrawal tells you to watch sad sad movies but don't listen.  Anything that will make you laugh is good.

To the bathtub darling ... Epsom salts!

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I just want to cry out to people: DON'T TAKE THIS ****!!! The fact is, I was going to have to do this withdrawal some day and I am not getting any younger. I need to get through it for the sake of my family, and I WON'T die -- because you didn't. I finally came across what must have been your first post. That you got off it and have remained of it all this time is inspiring me. And I do have moments where I almost feel good, which makes me hopeful.  I know this poison will be out of me at some point. I didn't go get the tramadol and that makes me feel very brave.

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by waterview4326, Sep 10, 2013
You who  you will be fine. I know how hard this is, I really do, the withdrawl is STILL to this day ever clear in my mind. I was so terribly fatiqued, I mean just walking to the bathroom was a chore, NO exaggeration at all. Yes the fact we are older is ALL the more reason to get off now. I truly believe age is a HUGE factor but also we are hopefully wiser as we get older and this for sure will remain ever present in your mind to stay OFF the pills. I swear to you I knew that I could never do it again, the tramadol wore me out both physically and mentally.

  So like Emily said baths are HUGE, I would take a shower or bath and be exhausted from just that, I would lay across the bed to dry off, I was to fatiqued to dry myself off LOL!!!  Another thing I found so helpful was warm towels from the dryer or heating pads. Also hot tea was comforting to me. Please listen to all the advice given to you, it ALL passes, all the horrible feelings do go away very soon for you. The irritability will get less and less, you will soon see YouWho. The RLS goes away and the anger, oh my gosh the anger I felt was just awful but it goes away. Stay on here let us know how you are, once you get past the next few days you will be free of this drug. No more pill counting, early refills, planning your life around how many pills you have, really it is a new beginning for you. Stay the course you CAN DO IT!!!!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
thank you. I do have some chamomile tea here and have been able to eat a bit. I don't know what I'd do without all of you here.

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
now all the full weight of my grief is hitting me. . .as though we had just lost Brian yesterday. The anguish is horrible. . .how am I going to get through this part. . .I don't want another drug! Physically feeling a tad better at the moment

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by EmilyPost, Sep 10, 2013
I remember getting horribly sad about things that had happened to me in 6th grade.

I remember hallucinations and weird auditory things.  And yes ... there was the paralysis.  It was horrible, but it passed.

Grief gets better when you feel it and when people who surround you let you feel it.  In other words, just talking about it helps. Validation is really what gets people thru the worst of any situation.  ESP grief.  Of course you feel bad, it's a terrible experience.  It *****.

So glad you could eat a bit.  I also think that the fact you could smell coffee and feel the breeze and realized how deadened your senses were ... even this early is a great thing.

:)

Life is better without Tramadol.

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I so hope tomorrow is better. It's so hard to do anything. Was my night cook dinner. I mnaged to get it on to cook, but am I gonna be able to dsh it up. ..I just want to go to bed until thi is over

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I simply can't think or type right now. . .if I'm not here tomorrow, never fear. I won't take the tram

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by waterview4326, Sep 10, 2013
Youwho don't worry about tomorrow just stay in the moment for now. It simply was the ONLY way I got through that first week. I remember the grief hitting me also in fact I kept posting about it. I was so full of rage the only way I released any of it was coming here. I also started thinking of my prior boyfriend SOOOOO crazy, I have been married 30 years LOL!!!  I kept thinking I had made a mistake, I really believed it in that horrible tramadol moment.  All the things you are feeling are the tramadol screaming at you, to take one pill, believe me it is ALL the tramadol talking.

   Just take things as they come, like dinner , well you got it made, that is huge, for 3 days into detox. I had to cook then take a LONG break before I could even begin cleaning it up. I felt so bad I used paper plates and cups for a week.   Everything Emily said is so true, so please be gentle on yourself right now.  Try to get a few bath's in, watch some comedy shows, I watched TV land a lot while detoxing. Life really is better off tramadol the natural energy you WILL get back is way better than the short energy on Tramadol. Please know this is temporary and you are doing it, really proud of you!!!!!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 10, 2013
I have tvland on and I'm just so miserable the laughs are lost on me. ..which, for me, is rare. I feel like I did when I had blood poisoning from a bad kidney infection. Tonight it's hard to hear the messae that I'll get past this.

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
So. . .this is my fourth day without. Still miserable. . .did manage a few winks of sleep last night and when I woke up (early) this morning I felt a little better but now it's come back again. God help me if I ever touch one of these pills again. God help me NOW, for that matter.

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
hot bath and managed to get my hair washed. It was blechy. Coming out of the tub, the air hit me and I felt a little revitalization. But it was brief. lol

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
have the shakes so bad. . .and a lower backache although my all over bdy aches feel better right now. This is justhell

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by EmilyPost, Sep 11, 2013
(((((youwho)))))

It will get better.  Sometimes it will seem like it's getting worse, or that you are back at the beginning.  But every single hour you do not take that crap on a cracker, you'll be healing.

And you are right.  It feels like Blood Poisoning!

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
got some applesauce down. . .some orange juice. Once in awhile I feel a little better so I keep living for those little moments

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by waterview4326, Sep 11, 2013
Those little moments will turn into longer moments. Then all of a sudden hours go by and you will think wow I feel good. That is how it happened for me, then whole days. You are doing good youwho. Very proud of you, keep holding on!!!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
trying. . .

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by JessGehl, Sep 11, 2013
Day 100 depression is still bad and uncomfortable feeling is horrid. brain fog still there. when will this get better?? EMILY?? ANYONE??

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
yo guys are all soposiive and I hope I can give back someday.

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
Emily ddid you have tremors because they are starting to worry me. I have never had them before


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by freedom_88, Sep 11, 2013
I have never run out this early. Never. There is no way I can get my refill until two weeks from today. This is day one for me. And I am just done. I've been on this rollercoaster for too long already. I feel hopeless, despair, and physically ill beyond comprehension. Diarrhea, sneezing, yawning, watery eyes, bone and muscle aches. I feel so tired just walking to another room. There is an intense inner disquiet. I feel like I am losing my mind!

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
me too freedom. WWe have to hang in. Day four for me

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
Do read as much of this journal as possible, it helps realize all these people have done it and made it through.I'm sorry to be so brief just so sick

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
im off this board till I feel better, I am just so negative
e

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by freedom_88, Sep 11, 2013
Thx for the response youwho. Its just amazing how normal, productive, and stable I felt yesterday. And today...complete opposite. Not normal, not productive, highly unstable. I've been crying on and off all day. From the looks of it I have a feeling sleep is going to be hard to come by tonight.

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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
well I came back feelling slightly better. It comes and goes. I've been able to sleep with Benadryl for periods oftime -- but I know that it makes it worse for some people.  I'm not feeling very strong, so maybe we can keep eachother going. Can't seem to remain motivated without this forum.

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by KC67, Sep 11, 2013
JessGehl = I am having another bad day today too.  Stomach issues returned.  Heaviness, depression.  Anxiety - arrrgggghhh.  so .....UNCOMFORTABLE.  

I hate UNCOMFORTABLEness. I find myself wanting to turn to a pill....and that is not an option for me.  So it makes me very uncomfortable.

It has to be the trams.  I am not on any other pills.  ***Except vitamins (fish oil, protandim (like a multi vite), Vitamin D, CoQ10, and Metropolol and Losartan for blood pressure)

Some of us are just taking longer to heal.  I know tomorrow may be different.  It certainly seemed better a few days ago.  

Hang in there JessGehl, YouWho, Waterview, freedom, and all you lurkers out there.



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by youwho451, Sep 11, 2013
Thanks, KC. I'm sorry you are feelng poorly.

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by JessGehl, Sep 11, 2013
I'm trying to hang in there......its just so hard depression was so bad today I cried for almost an hr felt like I was dying. Its so random so uncomfertable so hard. And when I feel that depressed nothing helps I want to beable to feel my husband trying to help.....but nothing helps.....nothing. I thought I was getting better.....I really thought I was turning a corner but no...its all coming back...I want to take tramadol again I do.....it would be better.....but I wont. I must stay strong...

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
Jess, that is awful. This drug no doubt keeps a hold of you. I would still think about speaking to a doctor. I'm still in the physical part of things. Day 2. Morning 2. Almost 7am. Can't go back to sleep. Today feels different so far. Still uncomfortable. Just different. A bit of energy. For now. All symptoms are still there, but I don't know. I just can't put my finger on it. I don't want to say today is better. Its just strange. I want to jump out of my body! Gut pain, chills, agitation, slightest brush on my skin makes me crawl. Pretty strong cravings. Especially that I know tolerance is lowering as we speak. Hoping for a semi-normal day :(

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
About an hour later wow. Had to run to town and cravings hit hard. Wanted to cry to music that I love. It felt oddly pleasant. Just want this feeling to end. So uncomfy all over

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
mine didn't hit hard till the third day. ..now it's the fifth day. Slept off and on, schizzy dreams, woke up in a sweat with my sheets everywhere. Eating soda crackers to prepare my stomach for aspirin. The Tylenol isn't getting rid of the headache. God knows, now I probly have a hangover from the cold medicine I took. And my back & neck are in so much pain from lying there so long. This is so damb pathetic.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
Jess, I want it to just to feel better. ..but the thought also nauseates me. I was waking up every day nauseated and needing them immediately. I really, really, want to be free of that. Worst right now s. ..I know I'm supposed to live in the oment. .BUT we are having company on Saturday for my parents' b'days.. I just hope I can get by. And I feel guilty for not having been any help the past days. I've gotten dishes done, cooked dinner on my turn (tonite's mine again. Ugh.) And it's starting to feel so unfair that you just want something for your excruciating pain and just get more excruciating pain.

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
Same here. Its crazy. I could end this suffering by taking a dose. But that just prolongs the inevitable doesnt it? I don't even have access to tram right now anyway. It is so hard even with my family. I just wish I could be alone during this detox god forgive me. Having a bad moment right now.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
it's okay freedom, we all are. I live with my elderly parents j-- or I should say even more elderly than me. I told them I have a bug but I know I am not acting normally. I'm in my room with my door shut most of the day. I am hoping the terrible tremors I experienced yesterday don't come back. Those really scared me. I had to withdraw from Norco after my spine surgery and never got those.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
While I am having some moments. ..more than a half hour now. ..of feeling better, I want to thank the people on here for keeping me on track through this misery. I was ttoo embarrassed to tell friends and family. . .because I had to withdraw from Norco after my surgery and I just feel so stupid.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
which I just said which makes me more stupid

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
How do you feel it makes you more stupid. Norco is serious business as well. I have oftentimes used it to combat tramadol withdrawal in the past. To limited success. Norco, and other "big boy" opioids tend to provide limited and short lived relief unless you continue to re-dose throughout the day. However, recovery is set back in a major way if we use others to substitute for tram WD. Trust I know. 6 hours later WD just begins to creep up again and soon afterwards you're left with full blown WD yet again. I came across a benzo and it is helping somewhat. I'm not as uncomfortable (but still majorly so). I reckon there is no real issue in using a benzo to soften the rough edges during tram WD. Except for the risk of developing a new dependency. The Thomas Recipe states they shouldn't be used for more than two weeks. There are little moments (and big moments) that I feel like I am going out of my mind. Time is passing SO SLOWLY. To the point of a crawl. Mornings and mid afternoon seem to be the worst for me so far. Tomorrow will be day 3....a huge obstacle I'm sure. But some people on here, from reading back on very old posts, seem to start to feel better physically between days 3-6. I hope I can be lucky. Oh please let me be lucky. I have never wanted to take a pill so bad in my life and never thought I would. What have I become. REALLY?

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
I'm so sorry, freedom. I am feeling better today but some symptoms do return -- however this is the first day I have truly felt real hope. Yesterday when I had tremors I just didn't. I just refuse to take another pill. And I'm making it, and so will you. I have seen posts from people who went to WORK during withdrawals, I can't imagine it. Being retired, at least I don't have to worry about that.

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
So glad you are feeling better all in all. Please keep posting! Forgive me if I am wrong. You are on day 5 correct? Or is it 6? With the xanax I feel like I may be. Able to sleep okay tonight if I take a little more later tonight.

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by JessGehl, Sep 12, 2013
Lost it around noon today. Cried and screamed for a while. Until I was done. Now I'm gonna go for a walk. Probably doesn't help that I am pmsing that doesn't help... cravings are horrid today horrid......but patience is a hard thing to learn and I guess I am learning it through this.

Hanging in there by a thread.....

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
I'm on day five. Just getting headaches once in awhile and chills once in awhile. My feeling better enabled me to do some chores and actually think about someone else for once LOL

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
Jess, I'm so sorry. I think patience is hard for us all in withdrawal to learn. . .all you want is for someone to say "this will be over on such and such a day." And of course nobody can.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
aches returning. ..dammit, I felt so much better

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
This surreal. WD is everything I remember it to be. See, I've been forced into WD before, but never this far out before a refill can be approved (2 weeks). Its busy here at the house. I feel like I'm kind of in the background. I'm communicating with my family, doing small chores, doing all I can in this state. Feeling uncomfy to the max. And an odd depression. I'm sitting in the bathroom right now. And something smells good. Yet, there is a depressive veil around it all. I am really smelling things like never before. Just dragging my feet around in slow-mo. I can't wait for later when kids are in bed and everything winds down. This is everrryyythhhing I remember it to be. I haven't felt WD like this in a long time. Alas, I felt it every morning before dosing, but haven't gone this long in awhile. I don't know what it is about these smells (all pleasant), but it makes me want to break down and cry. I'm bracing myself to dream about the pills tonight if I even sleep enough to dream. Hot shower soon. That always helps.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
the sense of smell thing. . .I smelled coffee on th third day and it smelled wonderful. Yesterday I opened the fridge and smelled hard boiled eggs and almost lost my stomach. Funny thing how this drug dulls the senses. It's tricky when they wake back up I guess.

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by JessGehl, Sep 12, 2013
Ok wtf........my cousolor just told me u never compleatly heal from tramadol abuse?!?!? Is he right????

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
well hell I hope not. Did he tell you what elements he thinks don't completely heal?

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by JessGehl, Sep 12, 2013
No.....he didn't.....I think we need an answer from Emily...or something....

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
Jess, I've read old parts of this journal, from years ago, and there are many who stated they have their life back and have never felt better. I forgot how long you said you abused and was dependent on tramadol. Please remind me. The longer someone has used, its generally accepted the longer it will take to heal completely even long after physical WD is gone. Me, personally, I was on tramadol for 10 years. It feels so good to say WAS. Even though I'm only on day 2. So I'd imagine that after WD fades away, I will have PAWs flare-ups in the form of emotional distress for a while. Months. Years even. I'm prepared for that. A decade on this garbage and I'm willing to bet I have a lengthy battle ahead. At the moment I just want the physical anguish and emotional shock to go away. In a few days I'm hoping. What your therapist said could be true, but probably a bit exaggerated. This is true for most if not all drugs of abuse, dependency, and addiction.

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by dm3410, Sep 12, 2013
Here i go again day 1 of trying to quit trams again after i dont know how many relapses in the last 2 months. I picked yesterday as my last day of being on tram because its a date I wont have trouble forgetting(RIP to all those who died on 9/11/01) Anyway I think the the reason I had so many relapses is because for the last 2 months ive been cheating and taking the easy way out by taking high doses of loperamide and that relieves alot of physical symptoms instead of suffering thru it like I should be doing so I wont forget the horrible pains that comes with withdrawals so I never touch crapadol ever again. Im just gonna tough it out like everyone else has to. I have some clonazepam to help with anxiety and effexor ER for an AD which both are prescribed to me legitamitly by my doc. Besides that the only thing ill ever pop are my vitamins and amino acids and fish oils. Im tired of the "rollercoaster" of quitting and relapsing and the cycle repeats its self over and over. Ever since ive been hooked on trams my quality of life sunk more than Obamas approval ratings. Anywho im gonna take it hour by hour instead of day by day that seems to help me more. Im gonna focus on exercise and nutrition and try to drink more water. Well I hope I can actually quit for good this time instead of relapsing every 9 or 10 days. Well gotta go an old ALF rerun is gonna be coming on. Hang in there everybody!!!!

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by JessGehl, Sep 12, 2013
I only used for six or seven months never more then 200 Mg per day.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
dm3410. . .I hope you can hang in. I know you can. I am more hopeful myself ending my fifth day. . .felt better for hours at a time instead of just tiny moments. But what a beast to conquer. Never thought of myself as an "addict" just a nice lady in pain.

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
That is such a low dose, Jess. ..I mean there are people on here that have taken ten at a time and say they feel fine a few months later. What your counselor said seems so extreme.

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by waterview4326, Sep 12, 2013
Jess Gehl you were like me and on a pretty low dose. Well I am at 60 days on Saturday and I do see signs of significant improvement. To all the new people and returning people I do believe the healing is VERY slow. I think at least for me once I accepted that and really understood that it took time to get in the messed up place I was, that I just accepted the fact I would not feel super great in a month. It is a slow process but I am doing better. I wanted new people to know that at least for me it is way better.

   Now that by no means I get out of bed feeling wonderful because I don't. However I no longer feel like my legs are in quicksand, I now go about my life without pills and kind of do all the things that I always thought I would need a pill for, at least for me I get a major satisfaction in being off these pills. I am not running around being super cheerful however I feel for the most part I am pleasant. Now I will say it comes on and off the irritability, the madness, it is still there and random.  I know when on Trams I felt like I could never be somber or mad or really feel anything, I was always trying to be super mom and wife because deep down inside I hated myself on Trams. I hated lying to my Dr. my husband and most of all I lied to myself, I actually believed the lies, that I needed that pill, my back hurt, my legs hurt, I never really needed the pills for pain. One thing I would like to maybe offer is to suggest that anyone cut their sourses from pills, I feel if I had access I would have relapsed on those dark days, I still honestly have days where my mind screams to take a pill, even if I am happy I think wow if I had a pill I would be happier, I am a full blown addict!!!!!!!!!

   Even through it all, I feel greatful to just be. I know that sounds stupid but to be able to just sit and watch TV and not have RLS, rage, looking at the clock to see when my next dose is, really just makes me content. I have a long way to go but I feel like I have come so far in this journey. I do think Tramadol is way harder than other opiates as far as returning to normal but I am so glad to be off them. YouWho you are almost through the worst, you are doing this, very proud of you. JessGehl I hear you I get the dark days myself, sometimes I just want to curse someone out for absolutely NO reason, it comes out of nowhere. I am an avid exerciser and I do believe that has helped me immensely. I just wanted you to know I feel that way myself, however I am glad to be free of them, I could never ever detox again, the thought of those lead legs is forever in my brain, maybe it was my age, mid 50's BUT it was the worst. I am so glad this forum is here for all of us in this tramadol war. Have a good night

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by youwho451, Sep 12, 2013
waterview, I am so glad you, Emily and others who did this awhile back still come here. You are so much comfort.

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by freedom_88, Sep 12, 2013
dm3410, I have pondered using high doses of loperamide as well. But fear possibility of harmful side-effects. I have used medium doses of Lomotil (diphenoxylate) to aid with WD in the past. And just about every opioid on the market. Even methadone. All obtained illegally. Always back to the tram however. DO NOT beat yourself over relapses. You can DO IT AGAIN. HANG IN THERE. WE ARE HERE. I'm on night 2 right now. Getting closer. Please let us know how you're doing.

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by KC67, Sep 13, 2013
Hi everyone.

Today (Friday), I woke up with a sore throat and stuffy nose.  Yup, I am officially getting a cold.  Even though I just got over bronchitis in July.  I started feeling the cold coming on a few days ago....right when a flare up of withdrawal symptoms happened.  I am wondering if the withdrawal flare up was related to my immune system crash???  Interesting.  

Freedom88, Youwho, dm3410, and all of you in the first month of withdrawal -  yes....this is one beast of a withdrawal.  It absolutely ***** and the randomness will make you think you are going insane.  You are not.  It's the tram.  Waterview is so right....tram is a liar.  Its voices are so strong and they will always tell you that you will NEVER be able to quit.

Well I am living proof that you CAN quit and it DOES get better.  

Just reading your posts brought me right back to where I was - but more importantly it showed me how far I have come.  I know what you are going through right now.  It is awful.  Horrendous.  Terrifying.  But, I promise you....it does get better.  

I was the former Queen of Relapses.  A title that I am so happy to retire forever.  I relapsed so many times it was scary.  It took 10 years of riding this roller coaster of Hades to finally get it through my head what these pills really did to me.  They ruined my life!  And I want it back now, thank you very much.  

I know it is going to take more time for me.  I am not young and I have messed with my brain's chemistry not only with trams but other pills as well.  

One of the beautiful things for me was to experience my senses re-awakening.  Smells, tastes, emotions, music, nature, ability to show love and compassion for others, spirituality - - all of these have been wonderfully enhanced since I quit trams.  These are all things that tram steals from you.  All of the things that were good in me.

Keep posting everyone.  Even if it is negative.

One of the reasons I relapsed so many times was because I thought I should have been finished with the withdrawals WAY earlier than the time I gave it.  Others on here were feeling great at less than a month out.  Why was it taking so long for me?  The only answer I have for that question is that MY journey was not going to be like any others.  And I had to decide to stay on the journey no matter how long it takes.  

Fourjays - are you still there?  How are you feeling these days?  If I am correct, you are now over 9 or 10 months out.  I would love to hear how you are doing these days.

We can all do this!  One hour, one day, one moment at a time.

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
KC, I can't tell you what this post means to me this morning. I woke up early achy again, after I had a night where I slept 6 1/2 hours but my dreams were so vivid when I woke up I could hardly separate them from reality.I know I have to be strong because now I know what a hold ths poison has over me. I want the pills to feel better, and I want them bad. This is my day 6. You just helped me big. What a rollercoaster ride.

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
I do not want to relapse, I am too old. This isn't how I want to go.

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by freedom_88, Sep 13, 2013
Great post Waterview and kc. Youwho hope you're doing great. This is day 6 for you I believe. From what I've read things should begin to slow down physically for you. Typically seems to be days 3-7. But as we all know, there is no "typical" with this garbage. I'm on day 3 and I feel things have lessened A LITTLE, but still in agony all in all. Finding it hard to deal with the pressures of even my own family. Luckily I don't have to work right now. Slightest things are stressing me right now. Mornings are by far the worst. Guess cause that's when I usually dose for the first time.

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
i'm unfortunately not doing great. ..so put a call in to my doctor.  I hope you are much better soon. hugs

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by freedom_88, Sep 13, 2013
Let us know how the doctor call goes youwho451!!!!

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by JessGehl, Sep 13, 2013
Blahhhh.......wanna be better.....

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
she is sending me to a pain specialist in Sacramento. ..of course that won't be for two weeks. ..to start over with a personalized tape5 and evaluation. I was having pretty violent tremors again. Thus I'm back on the tramadol. . .I hate to stop what I started but when the tremors returned I was scared to death. Taking the poison took away the tremors of course. I hope the taper will help. I'll be giving updates, And God knows starting through this crap from the get again is not going to be good.

Jess. . .I am so, so sorry.

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
that word would be "taper"

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
she also mentioned my age, which made me want to ask her why she prescribed it then at my age. ..but I refrained because basically I went into her office in pain begging for some.

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by freedom_88, Sep 13, 2013
Youwho, couldn't help but feel jealous that you have medicine now. That's how sick this all is. From what I gather you will be starting a doctor approved taper soon? That will be difficult in its own. Think fabulous and normal mornings/afternoons, but mini-withdrawal late nights. I'm relieved you're going to go a tapering route if it will be best for you!

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by youwho451, Sep 13, 2013
I know, and I feel sick in the head for feeling relief. It makes me feel guilty to tell you. But don't worry, it won't be that long before I feel like **** again. And trust me, I will be whining and I will be here doing it.

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by freedom_88, Sep 13, 2013
Jess, my heart goes out to you. By the looks of your profile photo, you are YOUNG. Like me. I had used tram over a decade. Since my teen years. The fact you are still struggling so far out of getting off of this terrible drug, I would most def see a doctor. No shame no stigma. I would! And will if I have the same problems later in recovery. I'm just at the beginning though. Want this WD to end.

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by freedom_88, Sep 13, 2013
Youwho don't feel that way! If I had access to tram you bet your....bottom...I'd be taking some. Does that mean I've failed? No. It means I wish I could taper right now. Thing with tapering is it take massive willpower. I've tried it before and when mini WD hit later in the day I always went back to regular dose. I tried it completely alone though. You will be under the care of a doctor. Which will go a long way.

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by youwho451, Sep 14, 2013
I'm concerned about that, freedom. Bigtime. I'm going to only take three a day leading up to my appointment, down from the six that I was, in hopes I won't want to cheat so much. Trying to get the edge off. I felt sick last night and managed not to take another one. I take OTC (aspirin or Tylenol alternately) with one tram. I was never a recreational drug user so just taking the edge off my pain should be okay. I just hope this specialist knows what he's doing. I wish he weren't an hr and a half away, but this podunk town doesn't have experts in ANYTHING. I sure am thinking about you. Let's put it this way: Im worried about you.

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by youwho451, Sep 14, 2013
I'm not leaving this place. . .I need support. I did tell my mother yesterday and she was so sweet. She always is. I couldn't be taking off for Sacramento for these appts and not explain it. I know she knew this was no ordinary "bug" because  yesterday the tremors were quite visible.

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by KC67, Sep 14, 2013
youwho451 - you can do this.  Just stick to your taper plan.  :-)

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by youwho451, Sep 14, 2013
Thanks sweets, I will.

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by freedom_88, Sep 14, 2013
What a bizarre day. I hopped out of bed after about 3 hours of sleep (dreaming about a full bottle of pills). I felt awfully good this morning. Around noon I started to feel unwell. It is much slighter than earlier in the week, but its still there and I had moments of difficulty getting comfortable. I have managed to find a benzo to take the edge off a bit. It works well, but not perfect. Looks like a mixed bag tonight. Feeling bad, but not AS BAD. I hope I'm about to turn a corner. Must be patient. Been on this stuff for a decade. Feel like I'm taking my life back!

Youwho, jess, kc, Waterview hope you're all doing well!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 14, 2013
Hoping soon your corner is turned. I am maintaining fine with my three a day so far. Family was here today and chaos reigned, lol. In that it was great to see them, but people always end up talking at once, splitting into different conversations. So I'm glad for a little rest after playing hostess today.

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by indoctrinated, Sep 15, 2013
n

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by indoctrinated, Sep 15, 2013
Well guys, time to be honest. I'm an idiot. I relapsed. Out again. WD is just as bad as it was before. Day 1. 3PM. Feeling awful.. Surprised to see a new member my exact age and timeframe on this medication. I feel like I have failed tremendously. Only hope is to try again. I've had some comfort meds. Xanax (even though I successfully tapered off, using it for first few days). Zofran. And a little 5HTP. Imodium as well. WHY HAVE I DONE THIS TO MYSELF AGAIN

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by youwho451, Sep 15, 2013
you're not an idiot. Hugs and best wishes. .xoxo. A taper maybe? A specialist? I know I tried to do t myself when I need some help, I don't feel shame in that, I don't think anyone should.. After all, the literature DOES says don't stop abruptly.I'm facing things sort of again now myself and this time i'm getting professional help like woulda made sense to begin with.And I'm not calling cold turkeyers nonsensical, good for people who make it. Saying for ME it would have made much more sense.

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by indoctrinated, Sep 15, 2013
Odd thing is, it doesn't seem to be as intense as all the other times. Sure, I feel terrible. But not AS terrible as I was suspecting. I contribute this to loperamide and xanax usage today. I'm finding that I am functional...but not nearly where I want to be. My spouse thinks I'm being distant when I just want to walk around outside, or listen to music. I dread tonight. Hopefully more xanax will allow me to sleep until morning. Youwho, your advice is heeded. I've been thru this so many times. I remember running out of tramadol early for the first time when I was 16. I was depressed and bored, but in general OKAY. I should have quit then, but was too in love with it. It would have been so easy to quit then. I really can't believe how functional I am today however. Xanax and loperamide....I guarantee it. I've had moments of intense discomfort and cravings, but they pass. Tomorrow may be a diff story

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by youwho451, Sep 15, 2013
Yeh, I have never taken Xanax, but from what I hear they help quite a bit. ..for sleep I'd think they'd knock you out pretty well.

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by waterview4326, Sep 15, 2013
Well I have finally made it past 60 days and for that I am so greatful  To everyone reading and following this has been the longest 61 days ever for me.  I wanted to point out the extreme mental aspect that tramadol withdrawl brings. Even at 61 days the anger comes and goes, it is the most random thing ever. I thought the first 2 weeks would be the worst but as I am in it I realize this journey is well just hard. The initial physical withdrawl I believe may be easier to deal with than the mental. Again I say this not to scare new people BUT for those people walking in the mental fog that it is normal. I have the pleasure of sharing my journey with other members here with WAY more sobriety than me and the one thing we all share is the mental fatique and depression. It is as if the pill is screaming at me, take me and you won't feel anxious, or sad or lonely.

   Another thing that I am greatful for is I cut my connections to trams, I threw out my stash and have no access to any, having ANY connections for sure would have been relapse for me.  I know I am an addict but my brain at 61 days says oh take just 1 you can manage it, however I know the truth I am a complete addict and I can take no tramadol or any opiates.   I want to encourage anyone reading that life without trams is way better than on them. I can't even put into words the freedom it brings, even through all the random mood swings I know I am better today since I quit.

   To everyone here tapering I wish you nothing but success, I tapered and I do believe it is kinder and gentler on the body. Indoctrinated I relapsed many times before I got this far, you come here and post and I know how bad you want it. You can do it. Jess I feel your pain so much I broke down several times this week end, I do so much better during the week but sometimes I just feel RAW, my eyes well up and well I can't control it, it is crazy, however it is TRAM. YouWho I admire your sticking to your taper and just gradually go less and less, I did that for 2 months and I never regret it.

   Now I want to thank FourJays and Emily who have helped me more than you will ever know. I simply could not have made it without the 2 of you. I have had many outbursts and both of you help me to realize it is all tram related. I often wonder how I could have so much happen to me on such a low dose AND with a taper, however it has been a crazy ride, so Jess trust me everything you are feeling I am feeling also.

    So glad we have a place to come and share our feelings. Tram is awful but you can get off of it.  Have a good night all!!!

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by indoctrinated, Sep 15, 2013
Waterview I have been curious how you've been! I completely agree with you on cutting resources. And like youwho said, perhaps I should seek professional help. Be it a taper, or long term treatment through counseling, etc. I have never been 60 days out, but that is a milestone. A huge milestone. And I can imagine how the mental aspects begin to manifest after physical WD. I'm slightly confused on why I'm functional right now on day one yet again. I went to town. I played with the kids. I've been talking. Never in a million years would that happen during beginning of WD for me. Something I took today has really mitigated the withdrawal. It started with loperamide. The recommended dose didn't help diarrhea so I took a few more. Then started the xanax. Later on I used more xanax and zofran along with 5HTP. Around this time I noticed I feel unwell, yet everything is managable. Will I sleep well tonight? I don't know. Its 8:21 and I feel some discomfort, and cravings, but the relief from comfort meds is unreal! I expect to wake up extremely sick in the morning. We will see if adding these meds will take a load off of the suffering again tomorrow. I am weary of loperamide...for the simple fact its an opioid that bonds with mu-receptor throughout body (except brain)...because I am suspicious it is the main culprit of toning things down. And that is a step backwards.

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by indoctrinated, Sep 15, 2013
Or perhaps its the 5HTP

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by Molytex, Sep 16, 2013
Hello all

Here on day 50 clean I just wanted to check in here and see how everybody is doing. I follow the thread but seldomly write...

I want to say that it CAN be done and it is a hard journey but so well worth it. Since 2000 I have been on AD's and since 2006 I have been on Efexor XR with very good results... the reason I mention this is that for some people the emotional down can be so severe and take so long time that quality of life IMO could benefit greatly from a little help...

My two cents - hang in there everybody

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by waterview4326, Sep 16, 2013
Molytex you brought such a smile to my face this morning 50 days is huge!!!!!!!!  I am so happy to see another successful tramadol survivor.  I just wanted to say so happy for you and have a great day

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by indoctrinated, Sep 16, 2013
Morning 2 (again). Woke up unwell, but just not as bad as expected and not as bad as the 1000 other times I have been forced into WD. Some stomach cramps have returned, but I still can't go. Guessing the loperamide from yesterday is still working. Which is plausible because of its lengthy half-life. Yesterday my mind was blown how unwell, yet OKAY I felt. Like I said, I would never have said "mmm I'm sick, want a tram, want ANY opioid just to make it stop, but I'm OKAY". Never! This morning it all chalks up to; restlessness, sneezing, yawning, lethargic, tearing eyes, and that uncomfortable feeling all over that you all know about. And that uncomfy feeling all over is my number one hated WD symptom. Luckily, its not too intense at the moment. What I will say, though----i want something so bad! Tram. Hydrocodone. Preferably tram. Cravings are crippling right now.

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by youwho451, Sep 16, 2013
Indoctrinated. ..when  was attepting cold turkey I was not so bad days 1 & 2 with ondansetron (Zofran) and immodium. But when day 3 hit it didn't matter. ..day 5 I had hours of feeling well which gave me hope, and on day 6 I felt like I was starting over and the tremors returned real violent so I had to abandon the c/t and call the doctor. Maybe you won't have to.THat's the thing in reading these experiences. ..everybody is so different. Never saw anything like it. . .hope not to again

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by indoctrinated, Sep 16, 2013
Youwho451, not feeling too great right now. That feeling of AHHHH is all over and pretty uncomfortable. No xanax yet today. Trying to hold off on that as I just tapered off of it easily not long ago. Wish tapering tram was that easy. I actually had a drug test not long during a 40 hour training class. Was so nervous I'd fail it because when I went to the collection facility, I had taken my last half of a half xanax just 6 days prior and heard that benzos can be detected between 3 days and several weeks. I passed though. :) again...why can't tapering tramadol be that easy? Don't get me wrong, xanax WD is another beast but it was soooo easy to taper and I jumped off with no WD. Sorry for rambling, tram WD has me wired right now. Not in a good way. May start up comfort meds in a minute. I want tram so bad right now its not funny. All the pain would go away and I'd probably actually get the filthy bathroom cleaned. Think I'm gonna go for a walk. Ahhhhhhhh

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by JessGehl, Sep 16, 2013
the weekend was actually pretty good. Being with my husband helps a little. I hate being alone so being with him is good. Still stupid brain fog.......its so weird. Emotions come and go. the uncomfortable feeling is still there. but it doesn't last all day or anything. just kicks in at random times. especially at night. and i wake up with anxiety and dread still. but whatever. I hope that this all ends and i can get my life back. But i am still holding on still tram free. and i can't wait to say that i am better! I can't wait for that day.

so hold on everyone......hold on to anything! the thing that makes me feel ok is hey.....Im alive....im not dead.....i still have my life...and I have a whole life ahead of me to enjoy.  

EYES ON THE GOAL PEOPLE!

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by waterview4326, Sep 17, 2013
JessGehl I feel so much like you I am at 63 days now. The only time I feel exceptionally good is from 10 to 11 at night, isn't that weird? I too wake up a bit anxious but mostly I drag a bit still in the mornings, takes me hours to pull myself together. I feel the dread also like something terrible is going to happen, feel that fast heartbeat and well it is just weird. Each day my first few hours are FORCED, I force myself through getting my work done, getting my exercise in, take care of my family, BUT ALWAYS in my head I am saying PUSH, PUSH, PUSH.  Honestly some days just simple things exhaust me.

    However despite all that there are hours in the days that I feel normal, comfortable in my own skin, things are effortless, so I know things are balancing out, I like you am waiting for the day I am comfortable in my own skin all day. I think the hardest part of getting sober for me is liking myself. I feel like I let so much go by the wasteside so to speak in my using days. There is a sadness in that for me and I am working on myself BUT the fact I changed so much on Tramadol is heartbreaking for me. However I can't dwell in that I have to move forward for myself, only I can change it.

  I was wondering maybe I should post this as a question but I just still feel like I can't express myself to my family. It is hard for me to reach out and hug and give affection first, does that happen to anyone else after they stop tramadol. I still feel guarded and sort of introverted, I don't think my natural self is like this, I push myself there also, forcing myself to be affectionate, I would like to know anyone with sobriety if that happened to you.

  Okay well Jess I think we are somewhat similar but you are ahead of me, triple digits, so great. Emily is you are reading did the affection thing happen to you? It's weird because I FEEL emotion now, but I hold back like I am protecting myself, crazy, but tramadol is CRAZY!!!!!!!!!

   Well as always I wish everyone here well. Incoctrinated how are you doing? KC I hope you are having good days, see everyone later!!!!!!

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by KC67, Sep 17, 2013
Waterview, Funny you asked....this must be the week for GOOD days!

I have had 3 good days now in a row.  I am praying this will last.  I love it!  And I feel like the real me is slowly emerging again.  Slowly.

Waterview, the emotion thing is weird.  I too am still shying away from hugs, people, parties, or anything social.  I find that I prefer to stay at home and not go out too much - which is the opposite of what I was- even before trams.  But I am finding I am actually wanting to do more things now.  Before, I was forcing myself.

It IS getting better!  So happy to be able to say this.  

JessGehl - you said it perfectly.  "Emotions come and go. the uncomfortable feeling is still there. but it doesn't last all day or anything. just kicks in at random times. especially at night. and i wake up with anxiety and dread still."

It does seem to be more manageable even though the brain fog and the dread/depression/anxiety are still there for periods at a time.

Indoctrinated, YouWho, Freedom, and any others in the early stages of withdrawal - I promise you - it gets better.
  
Don't give up.

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by waterview4326, Sep 17, 2013
KC thanks for telling me you feel the same about hugs, social things , because I do FORCE myself but it's not real yet. I prefer to stay home also and that is the opposite of the old me, heck I really forgot who the old me is LOL!!!!!!!!  I do feel good that you have had 3 good days, I find this so encouraging.  Knowing you have good days coming is great news to us a bit behind you. Thanks for posting that, I am so hard on myself.

   So to everyone struggling I feel good today also, the good days do come, so do the bad, but there is NOTHING better than the pure satisfaction that I have stopped taking trams, I feel so proud in that alone. Yes to everyone new here it does get better, expect bumps along the way, keep expectations in check we are healing but it is SOOOOOO worth it. Thanks KC

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by JessGehl, Sep 17, 2013
Hey kc! Just a quick question.....what are your good days like? Just comparing lol

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by KC67, Sep 17, 2013
Happiness.  No dread, anxiety, depression, doom, or gloom.  The last 3 days have been like this.

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by denised1982, Sep 18, 2013
Hey everyone! It's been a long time since I have posted. To all of you who are trying to rebuild your natural endorphin system you should consider the supplement D-phenylalanine. Look it up. It's been a long time since I have taken the tramadol and although I'm back to "normal" I am seriously considering this supplement, as it helps with anxiety, depression and pain. Everyone it will get better with time.

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by waterview4326, Sep 18, 2013
Denised I am so happy to see you post here. When I started many many months ago before I tapered and quit tramadol I  followed your posts. I remember you by the picture. I started at the beginning of the journal and there were several of you I followed. So happy to read that you have 290 days and thanks for encouraging all of us, congrats to you!!!!!!!

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by youwho451, Sep 18, 2013
I have made a note of D-phenylalanine for when my taper is over. Thanks Denise. I will be starting it, the taper, next week. . .so I have been lying low from this forum until I start that.

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by denised1982, Sep 18, 2013
Make sure you get the dextro-isomer of phenylalanine. The levo-isomer will probably make one speedy, which is not good when one is going through opioid withdrawal. Don't get the mixed d/l phenylalanine. Get pure DPA. I still kill
myself at work, still at the same place, still a CNA, therefore still in pain EVERY. DAY.
My ticker is off. It should be 290 days plus a year. It is very hard, easier for me when I can't get the trams in my state, because I am 100% an addict, if not psychologically. I'll take being in pain over the throws of awful, terrible tramadol withdrawal. Thank y'all for the warm welcome back!  I will try to post more often, as life happens.

Love,

Denise

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by KC67, Sep 18, 2013
Welcome back denised1982!  I too followed your posts.  I believe you recommended the foam rollers for back pain.  I had never heard of them before, but you were so right!  They really help.

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by waterview4326, Sep 18, 2013
Hey KC  just wanted to ask is that your cat? So so beautiful!!!!!!!!  So glad you will stay with us Denised I need help from people with WAY more clean time than me? How long did it take you to feel good again?

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by JessGehl, Sep 18, 2013
Having a BAD day today. Very depressed and hopeless. uncomfortable.....numb this is so hard. I wish i could go back and time and never take those evil pills and right now i would be fine i would be me! I wish i could say i was doing better but everyday is a struggle. but what can i do? nothing just sit and suffer. i have considered going to my doctor and seeing what they say but they know nothing about this withdrawal they are all idiots! anyway....i hope everyone else is doing ok.

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by denised1982, Sep 18, 2013
Waterview- I took upwards of 600-800 mgs or more a day for years. It took me all of 100 days plus to feel like a normal human being again. Hang in there. I would rather withdrawal off of oxymorphone than tramadol. Doctors can deal with regular opioid withdrawal but we are all screwed when your serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine and opioid receptors come into play.  The anxiety and depression and brain zaps were unbearable. Your mileage may vary. It takes a long time to undo the damage that is done, but it can be done! You have to get mad at the trams and don't forget!!! A relapse for a few days will set you back a lot. Don't go back.

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by denised1982, Sep 18, 2013
I know one thing... PAWS is horrible. F$&$ing PAWS. I will never ever look at a puppy and say "Aww, look at his little PAWS!!!" Never. Ever. Again. Jess, look into the d-phenylalanine. It will take a few weeks to kick in, but I hope it will help what seems like endless suffering. Hang in there.

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by KC67, Sep 19, 2013
Hi again everyone.

Having a "blah" day again.  Woke up with the old familiar dread and sadness.  Yesterday was "blah" too.  I see improvement though.  Even though I am experiencing some anxiety, depression, and overall gloom - - it is mostly manageable.  And it comes and goes at random.  Much better than in the early days.

I had 3 really GOOD days in a row though.  That brings me so much hope for the future.

Waterview - yes.  That is my new "Kitteh".  She was abandoned at a local water park and was just starving to death.  I never would have brought her home if I had still been on the trams.  Kitteh has been such a blessing.  She follows all of us from room to room and is just so sweet.  She makes me smile and helps me to forget about the PAWS.  But HER paws are super cute.  :-)

I am sorry Jess that you are struggling again.  All i know is this PAWS stuff is so random and seems to be hanging on forever.  

denised - I am interested in the  D-phenylalanine.  I would be very interested to hear from anyone who has taken this and had good results.  And glad you are going to stick around here.   We need all the encouragement we can get from trama-vets like you   :-)

Keep pushing towards the finish line everyone!

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by waterview4326, Sep 19, 2013
Denised thanks for getting back to us and sharing about when you started feeling some better. We need veteran members to share with us. I am on day 65 and I am much like KC I think, I have good days, funny KC they are usually 3 days in a row, THEN BAM, the bad days hit. I can tell when I wake up how my day will be. I to some days feel GREAT, followed by the doom and gloom. I have noticed now my sleep is messed up, I wake up kind of sweaty and clammy, sort of weird that it started now. However it is WAY better than it was. Also I too am interested in the D-phenylalanine, would like to hear.

   Jess as always I feel your pain, I know you have shared this but you were on a low dose right? I know since I was on such a low dose it would be way easier, but for me it isn't. So much is mental for me, honestly I just miss taking my morning pill, that is my only craving I deal with, but I seriously struggle with the energy. One thing that has helped me although I don't WANT to do it is light exercise, I mean it can just be 10 or 15 minutes, you know to get the endorphins going, I think it helps me.  

  KC your kitty is beautiful and I so know how animals help us.  When I was first detoxing, well the whole first month I was so fatiqued, I could not even find the energy to hold my dog, she would sit and stare at me and I would just stare back at her, the effort it took to just pick her up, pet her was so hard then, I so love her. Anyway now I love on her, hold her, talk to her, so I know I am improving.

   Jess just keep pushing forward, it is so different for everyone, I am awful on the week ends I have no idea why, Denised once again keep checking in, we need you, we don't hear enough success stories and you are one, congrats!!!!!!!!

   So to all my tramadol friends here to a good day, I can tell today will be blah, yesterday was good, so random, so weird!!!!!













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by JessGehl, Sep 19, 2013
I can totally agree that PAWS ******* SUCK!!! it takes everything from you.......and just never wants to give it back! and KC i can understand the whole no feelings of love for others. My husband for example.....I don't even want him to touch me i feel nothing for him....i know it is the PAWS but it drives me insane! and him of course.....he thinks i just don't love him anymore but i do its just the stupid PAWS. but he doesn't understand that. so im tired and bored and no motivation today pretty numb idk blah

Jess

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by waterview4326, Sep 19, 2013
Jess I am so glad someone brought this up. I too don't want my husband to touch me, I feel nothing also. Jess it has to be the tram. My husband complains all the time about the fact I push him away. In fact I try to stay away so I am not even confronted with listening to him. Inside I just still feel no real feelings yet, before all this I was a touchy feely person, what has happened to me? I am so glad this was brought up because I felt like this lack of affection was only me. I have nothing to give yet, I just don't, kind of sad. I am blah today, I am tired today, I feel underappreciated today, bring out the violin I am in a mood  LOL!!!!!!!!

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by JessGehl, Sep 19, 2013
YES i can totally absolutely relate!! SAME THE EXACT SAME WAY!! EXACT! i try to stay away from him cause being around him bugs me....and yes before tram i was total touchy feely person too! always wanted to be around him and now its like ehhh get away. its annoying....idk how to push through it! yes i need a violin as well...lol

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by Molytex, Sep 19, 2013
Hello all

Just wanted to make a small update on my situation so no one worries about me falling into a hole of any kind :o)

At day 53 of my "Tramadol get the hell away from me" period. I am almost back to normal, whatever that entails, and life is beginning to shape up. I would say that I am at 90-95% and the last 5-10 % isn't neccesarily due to the trams...

The support from my MH friends has been invaluable and I am pretty sure that if MH didn't excist many addict would fall through the cracks...

The biggest issues I am dealing with at the moment must be my new lifestyle... I have never been very social or outgoing.. I dont have a social network as such because work has provided me with all the socialization I need.. and I havenever had any real hobbies that could hold my attention for longer periods.. This all changed when I stopped Trams... I began trainig 3-5 times a week which gives me great boost in energy and wellness.. I am in a serious relationship for the first time in a long period so that presents many new daily activities... and I am trying to expand my social network... all in all there are many changes and I often get the feeling that "WOW" this is bizarre or weird - miss the comfort of the safe old life - allthough that life no longer offers me those things...


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by denised1982, Sep 19, 2013
Hey everyone, I thought that I was the only one who didn't want my husband to touch me either. I didn't want to talk to him, nothing. He would talk my head off and I would just stare at the ground, then i would proceed to get up and walk off. Then we would fight, being accused of cheating or hating him. It has been hard. I wondered if I would ever get better.

It's no fun when you go thru AWS and PAWS and you have a preexisting psychiatric condition. I have suffered through depression that doesn't respond to any ADs and having that and PAWS you think you lost your soul, that you are better off dead. For a while, I wanted to be. I didn't look forward to an extra day clean, it meant an extra day of being insane. I had this school of thought that I did serious irreversible damage to my brain. Oh. I thought opioids were not neurotoxic. They're not supposed to be. Synthetic opioids like tramadol and this new one called nucynta are being prescribed like candy because doctors are opiophobic. The DEA cracks down on them, so therefore we get these substances that really mess up our brain chemistry. Then, when were are all up to our eyeballs in addiction the doctors have no idea how to taper or come off of a mu-opioid antagonist/SNRI combo. They're dumbfounded.

I still don't feel 100% right, but that could be the depression, too. I'm thinking that's what it is. I still have bad days. I have good days. Lots of them. It's a big healing process. It's a long journey.

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by waterview4326, Sep 19, 2013
All I can say is I am so glad we opened up a discussion about this, I mean I really thought it was all me. All of this started when I started tapering down. I don't want to talk either, I still prefer to be alone, I really hate that this is the truth about me. I think that is why I do better during the week because hubby is working, week-ends he is home, it is hard to hide all week-end. By hiding I mean I find stuff to do away from him, I just have to for now, I do not want to be like this. I have to believe that slowly I will get better, I mean I am way better than in the beginning, so I am making progress.

   Denised I know what you mean when I told my Dr. I was addicted to these things, well they just blew me off because they don't think they are addictive, well we sure no better huh?  I never had depression before trams I mean I had sadness in my life but not a chemical imbalance, but now I do have depression and very dark thoughts like you mentioned, this is definitely a healing process. It is a LONG journey and frankly this ol gal is TIRED LOL!!!!!!!




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by 48dag, Sep 20, 2013

I've been following this thread for a while now. Long story short.
In Oct I celebrate 21 years clean and sober....long time AA member.
I was a practicing heroin addict and alcoholic all through the 80's until Oct 92' when my sobriety started.

I started suffering with chronic back pain out of nowhere 3 years ago.
Tried acupuncture, herbs, physical therapy, many alternative treatments, to no avail.
Went to my Dr looking for something to enable me to get some sleep, I stated I can't do opioids.
She assured me Tramadol was non habit forming, did not belong to the same family as Oxy, Vicodin. I had never heard of Tramadol.

So, off I went on my merry way, taking at most, around 250mg per day for several weeks.
I wasn't hardly getting any pain relief, so I stopped taking it.
Then it started....BAM.  I immediately recognized these symptoms.
I started to research Tramadol and found several forums and many many people in deep trouble.
I can't believe how similar to a Heroin WD, this drug produces.
Such a small dose over such a short time producing such a violent reaction upon stopping.

I never expected to experience again, something I had left behind a lifetime ago. It has bought up much anguish
and memories I thought were behind me forever. I worked hard to maintain sobriety, not one drink, drug, or cigarette for all those years.
I am deeply shocked how powerful this medication is, and its ability to weave itself around the body and brain in such a short time.

With the remaining med I had, I immediately worked out a rapid taper.
I am currently at 25mg, dropping to nothing over the next few days.
Thank goodness I found out in short order what a toxic drug this is.
Good luck to everyone.


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by KC67, Sep 20, 2013
48dag - Welcome!

Wow.  First, congratulations on your 21 years of sobriety.  That is amazing.  Second, I am so sorry they put you on the "Oh-so-safe-non-addictive" Tramadol.  

There have been many people who have come on this journal who have said the same thing as you - that tramadol is similar or worse than heroin withdrawal.  

I am baffled that doctors are still so in the dark about this awful drug!  You were only on it for several weeks at the recommended dose.  

48dag - you can do this.  You did it before and you can do it again.  Keep posting - negative or positive.

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by KC67, Sep 20, 2013
Waterview, Jess, Denised - this feeling of wanting to be alone is still present with me too.  For me, I recently started noticing a difference though.  Just in this past week.  I am finding it is not as hard to FORCE myself into social situations or be around family members.  It is getting easier.  Thank goodness!  Because this is not who I am.  Not who I was before trams.

Isn't that such a weird side effect?

I mean this withdrawal is uncomfortable enough with all of the physical and mental stuff - then to make our poor loved ones suffer too because we are unable to respond.  

Just yet another reason why I will NEVER take this drug again.



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by KC67, Sep 20, 2013
Oh and congrats Molytex on 53+ days of being Tram FREE!  So happy to hear that your life is getting better all the time.  That is so great.

Indoctrinated, YouWho, and anyone else out there lurking - thinking of you.  HOpe you are doing okay.

Sincerely,
kc67

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by waterview4326, Sep 20, 2013
Yes 48 that is huge sobriety time, thank goodness you caught the trams, they are pure evil. I always try to post when I feel good and bad and today well really bad. I was actually looking forward to today because I have the whole morning to myself, as you all know I like time to myself. Anyway woke up really groggy like a hangover, but of course I don't have a hangover. Anyway EVERYTHING HURTS, like I have the flu, it is so crazy, so I do have really good days but I feel awful today. I am going to force myself to my exercise class, then a hot shower, I will push through it, I have no choice.

   KC I am glad to hear that the forcing yourself is getting better, so sad we have to FORCE ourselves to FEEL for our spouses. I simply can't put into words how hard this journey back to sobriety has been for me. I am a very fit woman and today I really feel 80 years old, my back aches so bad,  it is really crazy. Emotions are still both numb and everywhere if that makes sense? I never know from day to day how I will feel, today is day 66 and feel pretty bad, however it is still a world away from where I was, I thank god for this web site, I think if I still thought I was alone in  these feelings, I would just give up and be depressed, knowing there are others who are in it and who have made it keeps me going, today I want to go back to bed pull the covers over my head and hide, however what will that solve? I will just get more sore, I will do the right thing and move forward, it just HAS to get better than this.

  Molytex so glad you are doing so well, count yourself very lucky, very happy for you but I kind of envy you, I am no where near as good as you, however knowing you feel good gives me hope, thank you for sharing, if you don't mind me asking how old are you? I am in my 50's and I think my age plays a factor.

   KC, Jess, you both simply keep me going, I look for both your posts, I feel kind of like we are so similar, you both are hero.s to me, you keep me going, funny I have never met you but I somehow feel close to you both. To all the veteran members who come here and help us please keep coming and cheering for us, tramadol is a lonely journey, nobody in my real life gets me, I feel bad for my hubby also, he is always touching me because he loves me, and jess I am like trying to get away, I try hard to NOT let him know but I know he thinks what's her deal? I mean I go out and do yardwork to get away, I don't like yardwork LOL!!!!!!!!!

  Indoctrinated  how are you? Youwho how are you? Miss hearing from you, hope all is well. I sure hope this day improves, I have to get through this but today is really bad and dark, however I am clean and present in my life. Love To All

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by JessGehl, Sep 20, 2013
woke up with horrid dread and anxiety......that symptom just never seems to end for me. hope it lifts soon. This is by far the hardest thing i have EVER had to go through......it just plain *****. my husband is still sound asleep and it makes me mad and jealous that he is fine. I WANNA BE FINE TOO!! but whatever. I have to go to town today to pick up my wedding ring from being sized and whatnot and huhhh right now i just don't feel like doing anything. plus i am on my period so i am in a lot of pain from that and tired and sore and crabby. I woke up last night from a nightmare! a NIGHTMARE i have no idea what it was about but the dread feeling was there and everything else. so i just got up and sat on the couch and waited for it to pass. which it did and i fell back asleep.then woke up with the dread again woohoo ughhhh waiting for that to pass.

hugs
jess

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by youwho451, Sep 20, 2013
sent you a message, waterview

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by EmilyPost, Sep 20, 2013
Denised writes, " I would rather withdrawal off of oxymorphone than tramadol. Doctors can deal with regular opioid withdrawal but we are all screwed when your serotonin, norepinephrine, dopamine and opioid receptors come into play.  The anxiety and depression and brain zaps were unbearable. Your mileage may vary."

AND ....

" I have suffered through depression that doesn't respond to any ADs and having that and PAWS you think you lost your soul, that you are better off dead. For a while, I wanted to be. I didn't look forward to an extra day clean, it meant an extra day of being insane. "


The part about the extra day of being insane REALLY hits home.  Completely true about recovery from something as serious as Tram.


The not wanting to be affectionate ... of course that is true.  This is a soul sucking experience.  The idea of extra energy going outward and not being returned when you are so weak and sick and overwhelmed.  Of course you don't feel like any of that.  It's hard enough just to try and maintain in that state.  The genuine feeling will return.

It comes back slowly.  The good days are easy to completely forget when you feel awful.  It is like having no memory that a few hours earlier you felt good.

Profoundly ill. Soul sick.  Breakdown.  All true.

And it passes.  It does get better.  You will heal.  If you do not take more ... eventually you will be ok again.  

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by waterview4326, Sep 20, 2013
Emily you mean more to me than you will ever know. Today I struggled all day and your post somehow makes me feel happy inside. To know I made it another day clean and to know it will get better if we do not take more that eventually we will be okay, well that is comforting to me. Emily I feel like I have had a breakdown, that I am soul sick, your words touch me, I can never find the words for how I feel. I am so grateful you help us along, you are an angel. So going to bed another day tramadol free on to Sat, hope all is well with everyone here, goodnight

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by KC67, Sep 21, 2013
Waterview said it perfectly.  THANK YOU EMILY !

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by KC67, Sep 21, 2013
Getting shelled again today with massive anxiety, dread, doom & gloom.  

I am still fighting off the cold I mentioned a week ago.  It has been a doozy of a week.  I took 2 Nyquil gel caps last night and had nightmares all night.  Woke up in a sticky-clammy kind of sweat today.  Feel terrible!

I don't think I have the flu because I am able to function - but I have a horrible cough, mild sore throat, and mild overall achi-ness.  I understand the physical pain, but the accompanying mental stuff is just crazy!  

I am wondering if the Nyquil somehow triggered something in my brain to bring back some of this intense mental stuff as well???  Anyone have this experience with taking another medicine which resulted in triggering full blown WDs?

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by zerokewl123, Sep 21, 2013
Hello all I have no posted on here but I am 31 days free of trams.. usually these post are too long and my comp slows up so anyway hope everyone has an awesome day and always remembers to Live, Laugh and Love often..

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by zerokewl123, Sep 21, 2013
Hello, just wanted to give some background on me ....Im 31 days clean of tramadol.....still having alot of problems mostly mental.. I have adult add too which doesnt at all help.. I was on zoloft but When I was taking trams didnt want to take them so just told my doc I was I need to pick that script back up and go back on it wondering if thatll help alot for how I end up feeling. anyway I was put on trams becuase I have a screwed up knee that they want to break to realign it ....A: I dont have the time to recover from that right now......B: I dont have the money. anyway I was on Norco before But abused them and told my doctor about it...so was told like Alot of people i see that tramadol is non addictive....Yeah right... I would take 8 max never wanted to do more becuase of the risk of siezures.... I saw people taking 30 to 50 pills a day im thinking how is that possible but it always follows with and I have had 3 grand mal siezures im all I could never have lived with myself for that. but almost lost my family to trams .....so 31 days ago I flushed my pills and quite...... I hope everyone has an awesome day and May peace be your journey my friends

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by KC67, Sep 22, 2013
Welcome zerokewl.  And congratulations on being 31 days Tram FREE and for flushing the rest of your pills.  I remember flushing mine about 2 weeks into my WD.  Best thing I ever did!  Also one of the most terrifying things I ever did.  I would probably already have relapsed if I still had them in my home.  How are you feeling?

I am still battling a nasty cold,  I did NOT take the Nyquil gel caps last night and I have to tell you I didn't have any nightmares last night and I slept better.  Today I woke up with the old familiar dread and anxiety again.  But it is much better than yesterday.  Yesterday was awful.  WD symptoms all day.  I hope today will be different.

It is horrendous days like yesterday where I think about taking trams again.

I almost had myself convinced that I was doomed to feel like this forever....that I was going to be the ONE case who didn't heal.  That it was all in my head that trams really didn't do this to me.  I have been so strong and it scares me to think that I was contemplating getting back on them from one really bad day.  I mean I have come so far- - how could this stupid pill still have so much control over me???

I came back on this journal and read what Emily said (above) and re-read Denised's post and that renewed my strength.

IT's THE TRAM.   It messed me up.  Still is.  But it won't last forever.  I cling to this hope.

I CAN do this and I am going to do this.  It is taking a LONG time for me, but as I have said before, I was on this devil drug for over 10 years at all kinds of different high doses.  It is a miracle I never had a seizure.  It's a miracle that I am still alive.

Keep pushing through the bad days everyone.  A good day is coming soon.

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by JessGehl, Sep 22, 2013
I am so done with this ****!! I CAN NOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!! Maybe i forgot to mention that i have paranoid schizophrenia and guess what....Tramadol..HELPED! it helped with my condition! it made me happy! it made me enjoy life!  i never had to up my dose or anything..so what i get clean and feel like **** again?? no thanks! I am gonna have to be on something for the rest of my life anyway! so why not that! why not Tramadol?? it worked. and now i have to deal with PAWS and the schizophrenia thrown into one big ****** up mess! I can't do this anymore.....its ruining my marriage its ruining everything! I know I am gonna relapse and guess what.........i don't care. cause i am gonna have to count and cut pills the rest of my life anyway....so whatever,  that is my pill of choice! i don't want to be on an anti psychotic so i can feel like a zombie or have to wait weeks for it to start working or have the side effects of it maybe causing me to have suicidal thoughts cause yea i already tried killing myself once! Tramadol never did that! never! it worked right away and slept great didn't see things that weren't really there! controlled my rage controlled my emotions perfectly! so im done....best of luck to everyone else.

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by denised1982, Sep 22, 2013
JessGehl- you do what you think is best for you. I too know how horrible it feels to have all these emotions feeling like it is ruining my life. We are not here to judge you. We will always be here if you need us. Have you tried Effexor? Tram is very similar in structure. I understand that you will need to take something for the rest of your life. The only thing you will have to really think about is that one day the tramadol WILL stop working and you will have to increase your dose, again and again. You do what is best for you, I know how you feel, but having to increase your dosages down the road is inevitable and that is something you will seriously have to consider when you continue down the road. It will eventually stop working. Take care and remember we will be here.

Love

Denise

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by KC67, Sep 23, 2013
Jess,
I wish I didn't know how you feel, but I do.  
This is so hard.  

Denised is right....no judgment here.  I wish you the best.  
We will be here if you need us.

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by waterview4326, Sep 23, 2013
Jess

   When I read your post I literally felt such a sadness. I just like KC do know how you feel, I wish I didn't but I do. There is no judgement here however I think there has to be a better solution than tramadol. I struggle with being off tramadol so much so I can't imagine having another issue along with this getting and staying off this drug.  I want you to know that I just FEEL your pain, I truly do. We are here I hope you are still reading, you have a good bit of clean time, I want you to feel better so much.

   Please keep us posted Jess

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by FourJays, Sep 23, 2013
Jess,

I must say I feel the same sadness as Waterview when I read your post.  And I also wish I did not know how you feel, but I do as well.  

This drug is truly the most invasive of any I have ever taken or known anything about.  Once it enters your life it seems to invade every part of you; physically, mentally and emotionally.  Over the 15 years that I took it, I literally thought about it every day.  If I missed a dose I felt it, as the w/d symptoms would set in and remind me.  The first days and weeks I got off of it for good, I thought about it AND felt it physically 24/7.  And the emotional invasion, well that has been non-stop since day 1.  Now, at 10 months clean, I still think about it a lot; TOO much.  I am still a 'work in progress', and likely will be forever.  While not perfect by any means, I am a zillion times better off than I was 10 months ago.  And this is the only way for ME.  At my age and where I am in my life, I cannot ever go back.  

So I guess my point is that, I too, feel your pain.  While all of our "life" situations are different, we all have the Tramadol 'invasion pain' in common.  I also wish that there was some other solution for you than going back on this medication.  But this is truly a quality of life situation and a personal decision that only you can make.  Regardless of what you choose, please know that we are here for you - always.  NO judgment, ever.

You have been through so much, and I so wish for you to feel better and get your life back.  Please do keep in mind what denised mentioned; tolerance to this med will build quickly.  This I can say for absolute certain based on my own experience.  You will continually need more for it to keep working.  Please be careful, OK?  Best of luck to you - and keep in touch; we care :))

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by allinblack, Sep 23, 2013
Hello Warriors,

I haven't posted in a while.  I have recently began catching up on posts to see how everyone is doing and to see how newbies are handling this situation.

I thought it might be beneficial for some of you to see what life is like at 6 or 7 month.  I know FourJays has posted and I am thankful for that.  FourJays is a few months ahead of me and I remember her posts kept me going in the early days.

Quick history.  Took tramadol for about 12 years after the Dr said it would help my fibro.  Not addicitive... blah, blah blah.  I was never told it had an antidepressant factor.  I would have never taken it.  I was prescribed that before I was ever diagnosed with a gluten intolerance.. which I suspect may have been responsible for  a lot of  my fibro.  I got "addicted".  I remember years ago trying to quit and I felt like hell.  So, I kept taking it.  Drs always tried to put me on antidepressants for my fibro.  I tried a couple an always had bad reactions.  Swore them off.  I loved tramadol at first.  Felt like I got my life back.. Granted.. I was still eating gluten.

Then, the meds turned on me.  Probably about 2 years ago... but I couldn't stop.  I thought the fibro was returning with a vengeance.  I never took very much.  Maybe 3 or 4 50 mg a day.  It didn't feel good anymore. About February 2012, I decided to taper.  Things went downhill from there.  Serious panic attacks etc.  I was down to one 50mg pill halfed in one day in about March 2013.  I could not take it... and jumped on March 10th.

It was not easy at first. I went through the typical physical withdrawal for a few weeks.  Then PAWS.  Not fun!

I will try to be more explicit in coming posts. Pretty tired right now.  I had my glass of wine.  LOL!!!

6 months out.  Not 100%... but much better.  I still have days where I feel crappy.  Mostly some morning anxiety.  Depression not too bad.  I get physical pain when the "waves" happen.  Usually upper arm pain and brain zaps.. with some fatigue.  How much of that is fibromyalgia? I don't know.  I do know when the brain zaps start is when my physical symptoms flare up.  It feels like tram withdrawals.

The good news is... they don't last long and my good days are getting so much better!  I have many good days!  The bad days are very, very manageable.  I am so happy I quit the drugs.  I try to think back to how tramadol made me feel and I can honestly say.... my bad days are still better than that false high I got from tramadol.

There is so much more to day here.  I will try and elaborate soon when I am not making dinner and enjoying my wine :)

Ask me any questions for sure!

On another note, I had an interest with who the hell manufacture this awful drug and came to find out it was created by a German company who employed Nazis. WTF!!! seriously!!  They also made Thalidomide

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gr%C3%BCnenthal  Do your own investigation.

Another thing I noticed.... EVERYONE is being prescribed this drug for everything.  I know sooo many people.  My husband will come home and tell me there is another tramadol victim at his work.  I've been to the pharmacy several times and have seen people picking up or questioning their prescription.  I know of quite  a few people at work that got it prescribed for a variety of reasons.  Even my sister has been in a few times (she knows my hell) and she is like "they tried to give me tramadol again".  This is madness, people.  This company has to be banking! OMG!  This is so wrong!

My prayers are out to you all.... esp Jess.

With Love.. ME

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by allinblack, Sep 23, 2013
sorry about all my typos!  Wine and tiredness. LOL!!

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by JessGehl, Sep 23, 2013
Hey everybody, i know i scared lots of you about relapsing....but i didn't relapse! I wanted too so bad but i didn't so hope that makes people feel a little less worried about my dumb situation. i'm gonna start seroquel tomorrow. and hopefully that will help minimize the rage and figure out what is the PAWS and what is the schizophrenia. So huhhh another day another night and soooo on.

Jess

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by denised1982, Sep 23, 2013
Jess, just hang in there. I know how hard it is not to relapse when your quality of life has been compromised. It is SO HARD. I for one am proud of you for not relapsing. You have to do what is best for you. I totally understand why people relapse on this drug. I know we have all been through hell and that is why I don't judge people for relapsing. I have 100% compassion for anyone who is going through any drug addiction. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. People do not understand unless they have been there. I have been there, and it is hell on Earth, and it takes months and months and months to completely heal. Be gentle to yourself.
Lots of love,

Denise

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by 48dag, Sep 24, 2013
Just checking back. I am down to one 16mg dose daily at bedtime.
I tried going without yesterday, but after hours of restless kicking and clenching, I got up and had to take 16mg to get to sleep.

This is totally crazy, it took me longer to get addicted to heroin all those years ago, than it did to get screwed up on this junk.
I only used this stuff for a few weeks, I cannot believe the problems I am having, brain zaps...and ringing in the ears.
Does that disappear ?

I had to explain to my wife tonight what's going on. She is completely unaware of the addiction/drug world, and she was quite shocked.
She knows it was entirely innocent on my part, but I think she feels it can't be possible for a Dr to not know what a drug can do.

I'll beat this no question, I have been through the mother of wd's in my time.
My Dr, who is a lovely kind person, is obviously totally and completely unaware of the reality of Tramadol.
I'll give her the lowdown next week.

Good luck everyone, hang in there those having a tough time.
ODAT

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by KC67, Sep 24, 2013
Fourjays, Allinblack, Denised, and of course Emily,
Reading all your posts and just crying.  

Thank you for coming back and sharing your stories.  I am overwhelmed with gratitude for the reassurance.  

Jess, so very happy for you for not relapsing.   I can't even count the number of times I relapsed.  Heck, I came close yesterday.  I hope that the Seroquel will help.

48dag - glad you are sticking around too.  

Running out the door now, but I will type more later.  

I don't know what I would do without this place!!!!!  You all are AMAZING!

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by waterview4326, Sep 24, 2013
Good Morning my tramadol friends

    Jess so glad you sent me a note and wrote on here, I think so many of us have bonded so much and only another addict can understand how we need each other and this forum. When I say this I completely mean it I need this forum and I need the support of people in ALL stages of recovery.

   Yes thank you Emily, FourJays, Denised, AllinBlack, for coming back and telling us your journey, I like KC NEED to hear in time we will heal. Like Denised said this is hard and the compassion I feel for another addict is huge, this is hard both mentally and physically. Today is 70 days for me, I am terribly proud of that accomplishment but honestly this is WAY harder than I thought it would be mentally. I can't tell you how many times I kept going back on trams because I hated the withdrawls, so 48dag I FEEL where you are. I think each time I put it off it became harder and harder mentally for me to let the drug go. As I have shared before every single part of my life involved having a tram, getting up, going out, cooking dinner, exercising, I mean EVERYTHING I did I thought I could not do without my tramadol. So today I believe does show huge improvements, I no longer need trams to wake up, clean my house, socialize, sleep, and for me letting go of the drug was so hard. I can still remember day 1 as my worst, the thought of no trams was well overwhelming.

   So for new people I am here to say letting go is possible. I was on a pretty low dose compared to some BUT it still SUCKED me in, I thought this would be a breeze but it is not, tram is a total mind sucking drug, it changed my personality,it changed everything about me.  I think that getting my old self back is so much harder than I thought, the fatique is harsh at times, I still feel numb at times, I am negative at times, HOWEVER I do have great days, the days where I breeze through the day at the speed I was on Trams naturally, I will all of a sudden stop in my tracks and think OMG I am HAPPY!!!!  I will admit those days are still yet limited BUT I do have them.

   KC there are days still so dark for me I think of relapsing, I think on those days maybe just one pill, but we both know it will never be just one pill for us, the cycle of the insanity of the drug will take over, I am just to old and tired to go back, this recovery has sucked the wind out of me, I fought so hard for these 70 days that I can never ever be around ANY opiate.

     So for everyone posting, reading, struggling there is hope getting off tramadol. The good days are so incredible, the bad days are just a reminder of what the drug does to us. It is a life stealer, it lies to us, making us believe we can't make it a day without them, but we can, we can fight for a better life. To look in the mirror and see clear bright, non hazed eyes, makes me feel proud. I can't live without this forum.

   Jess my heart still feels for you, I hope the Seroquel helps you, I know how hard of a road this is alone without another complication. I admire you for staying sober, it shows just how much you want this and I believe you will turn the corner soon. Much Love to all my friends here!!!!!!!

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by KC67, Sep 25, 2013
Allinblack - wow.  Read the wikipedia article.   I have always wondered who was behind the making of tramadol.  Scary.  And it's the same company that manufactured Thalidomide (which I think was taken off the market for causing serious birth defects).  I couldn't help but think - geesh - if enough people get hooked on this stuff someone could use it in war as a mind control thing.  Get us all addicted and then they have control.  Terrifying and so wrong!

And you are so right....Tramadol is still being prescribed like candy.  I too know many people who are on it.  Of course, when I tell them my story I can see that they don't really believe me.  Their doctors told them it was safe and not a real opiate and that's what they want to believe.  Sometimes I wonder just how many people are driving next to me, or sitting next to me in church, or in line next to me in the grocery store - on trams - and feeling hopeless in getting off or don't even realize what it is doing to them.

I have been having another rotten 3 days.  I was getting better there for awhile, but then when I caught this cold, the WDs came back in full force....again!  I am so tired.  Just worn-out weary of this WD.  I came close to relapsing the other day.  If it weren't for this journal, I am almost certain I would have caved.  Special thanks to Waterview and Fourjays for talking me off the relapse ledge.

To all you tram-vets - please share anything and everything you can about your experience.  Even if it is negative.  How can we prepare for war if we don't know what we are up against?  

I think I just need reassurance - over and over - that what I am feeling now is normal.  That there is not something seriously wrong with me.  That bad days this many days out is par for the course.  

This is so freaking hard!!!!!  I hate it.

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by heal303, Sep 25, 2013
Hi All,I have only posted a couple of times as been so ill and overwhelmed. I am dealing with Chronic Lyme disease,Bartonella, Babesia and more.

Been withdrawing from Tram since Jan and finally off last week. Having a hard time knowing what is Tram withdrawals and what is all the above symptoms from chronic illness. Its been extremely rough.

What is PAWS??

Things that r helping r Homeopathic Nux Vomica 30 C (there r other homeopathics that can help with withdrawals) for withdrawals also when my LLMD Lyme Literate MD gives me Myers Cocktail followed by Glutathione push and B 12 shot. Its all good vitamins. A dear friend is also send me long distance support with Cherin Biophotons that give relief. All these things help but r short lived but grateful to have short time relief. EFT Emotional Freedom Technique,Reike,Donna Energy Energy Exercises also help.  Blessings to all of you getting off this evil drug soon.

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by allinblack, Sep 25, 2013
@kc67 makes you wonder about the mind control thing.  What a very sneaky way to get many people on antidepressants.  I'm soooooo mad.  I know it's the antidepressant part that makes the withdrawals so hard.

I am slowly getting myself back.... and my fibromyalgia.  It's so weird though... I don't hurt as bad as I did when I was on the meds,  I don't even have the back pain I was riddled with for so long.  Tramadol was causing me pain.  

Here I am at almost 7 months and things really are getting better.  I am able to go outside of the home to work.  I have days where I feel happy and almost normal.  The brain zaps get me, though.  So weird.

I will say that I think my recovery may have been harder than some folks.  I have always had a hypersensitive nervous system. I even have synasthesia for numbers, flavors and colors.  I always knew I was kind of different as a kid.  I just learned not to express things I "felt".  No one understood.

There are still some symptoms there, but not everyday.  Not like it was at month 3 and some of 4.  There were wild swings back and forth.  If I have swings now, they aren't as black and white... and definitely not as intense. I think my sensitive nervous system played a huge role in my slower recovery. I really feel like my system has found a balance and now some fine tuning is going on. My mom stopped taking tram on the same day I did and she has absolutely no symptoms at all.  She was on it for several years.

The depression and anxiety gets much much better!!!!  Even for me who was already anxiety prone.  I feel like I am stronger than it now.  I know it's not real.  :)

Oh... one weird thing I have that started during my taper... phosphenes in the corner of my eyes when they are closed and I look left and right.  The are like flashes of light.  I don't know how to explain it.




Here is



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by EmilyPost, Sep 25, 2013
OK so I am trying to think about things that might be helpful.  What did I need to hear back in the early late days of complete and utter sobriety which was accompanied by profound illness?


If I were to tell you that it is 100% normal to wish that you were on Wonder Woman's Island of Serenity?  Where someone really kind, deeply patient would pat your hand or rub your back and read your mind which is screaming and on fire and say ..."It is all going to be ok.  It'll be ok.  Don't worry, this is normal.  I went thru this.  It's terrible.  But you'll be ok."


Validation.


No Irony at all.  If I could get that for every single one of us who came here on fire and standing in ashes, I would.  Not sarcastic at all.  That would be helpful.  


That was what I searched for.  I remember late into the morning aching and sore and shaking from pain ... looking for the person or post online that would tell me that I would be ok.  Eventually.  That I was NOT ok then, but that a future day would find me ok again.


Just this morning I was thinking of a friend I knew during Benzo withdrawal (which came after Tramadol withdrawal) who taught me something of tremendous importance.  That not sleeping, was not going to kill me.  That it was uncomfortable and it sucked, but it wasn't actually dangerous.  That I was not going to die and go insane.


How did he do that?  He did that for me by telling me that he had accepted that he wasn't going to sleep until he knew he'd sleep. That he wouldn't make himself crazier by trying to force it.  So he'd be up at all hours.  He taught me to accept pain by really convincing me that it was not going to kill me.


Big difference between feeling like you may die and actually having a serious threat to your health.  Your Mind ... is on fire.  Your mind is not complete safe.  It's a very odd and uncomfortable place.  But the bottom line is ... if you don't take more pills,  your Body will return to a healthy and happy state.


It's a strange combination of ... being relentless and warlike in the rage and anger of being lied to an betrayed (BY THE NAZIS!) and being gentle and kind and laying low and allowing yourself to let the Grace wash over you.  That it's a miracle you found your way out and to people who actually do understand exactly how you feel.  Because they have been where you are.


And they healed.


Everyone heals.  Some take longer.  But if you stop believing the Big Lie ... which is that ... Tramadol has done you ANY Favors. Ever.  If you can stand firm.  Never swallow another.  You'll heal.


Love,

Em


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by waterview4326, Sep 26, 2013
Emily that was so beautifully written. It is as if you are inside my head, thank you for that post, I needed to see this this morning. You will never know how much you help us here. What you said is so simple that IF WE DON"T TAKE ANOTHER PILL WE WILL HEAL, it gives me hope. My sleep patterns are now so crazy messed up, it came later in recovery for me, just accepting I may not sleep at times, that it is NOT life threatening, has helped me so much. I used to wake up in complete panic over it, now I just read my book and rest, it's your words that have carried me through these rough times, thank you for that. I hope today brings all my friends here a good day.

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by JessGehl, Sep 30, 2013
Hello everyone. I have been taking the seroquel as prescribed and i must admit it helps with sleep a lot and with some of the PAWS symptoms. it makes them manageable. but for some reason my brain fog seems to be getting worse....idk why but KC or anyone else who is around the same time frame as me would like to chime in on their brain fog situation that would be nice :)

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by KC67, Sep 30, 2013
Hi Jess,
So happy you posted.  I have been lurking here daily.

First of all, let me say I am so happy that the Seroquel is working for you.  I have felt so terrible lately that I haven't had the desire or energy to post.    

I have been experiencing really intense withdrawal symptoms as of the past week or so.  Heaviness, anxiety, dread, depression, extreme fatigue, no motivation, sadness, weight gain (because all I crave since quitting trams are high carb/high fat foods), and yes, brain fog.  

I have been drinking more than usual amounts of wine to numb the pain (mental)....and I hate the taste of alcohol.  I feel desperate at times.  I know I am potentially substituting one addiction for another, but this heaviness has gotten unbearable for me.

I do not want to discourage anyone from getting off these evil pills.  Please don't compare your journey to mine.  I am sure there are other reasons that I am suffering so greatly right now - like personal life stuff and previous recent horrendous withdrawal experiences from xanax and Effexor.  So, I just want to be real and honest.

I am not sure if this is still PAWS or not, but here is what I have been experiencing the past few days.  It's kind of like an intense flare up of all symptoms.  Like the trams are screaming not to leave.

I typically fall asleep fairly quickly and find that I look forward to getting to bed as early as I can.  I still have no desire to be around people - which is the complete opposit of how I was on trams.  Not even family members.  Sleep is my escape.  I wake up usually 2-3 times per night and am able to fall back to sleep quickly -  much better than in the early withdrawal.  

But....at about 5am, I wake with this rapid heartbeat and anxiety and dread for the day.  It is so intense that it is impossible to fall back to sleep at this point.  So I get up.  Then, I find it still such an effort to get ready for my day.  I dread it.  Even if I am doing something I enjoy.  These symptoms come and go during the day but seem to intensify in late afternoon..which is when I break out the wine.  

I was not a depressed person before trams, and I want to believe that this "heaviness" is still the PAWS.  But I have doubt.

Tomorrow I have an appt with an accupuncturist a friend recommended.  I walked in his office today (unannounced) -met him and told him about my tram withdrawal.  He said he could help me.  I liked him and I have hope.  I will let y'all (as we say here in the South) know what the outcome is.  

Still clinging to hope that this will get better.  

Fighting every day - every moment  - to NOT listen to the voices that tell me to "just take another tram.  It's not going to hurt ya".  

Lies!

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by JessGehl, Sep 30, 2013
Oh KC i am so saddened to hear that you are not doing well. :( Yes I understand waking with the dread and the anxiety. and throughout the day of feeling just BLAH. but FourJays told me about a vitamin water called REVIVE that is filled with B vitamins and Potassium and the such. It gives you energy and fights off those bad voices. I drink it in the morning when i wake up and try to go about my day. so hang in there........:( i know i fight everyday as well.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you, "Declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans for hope and a future."

Hang in there! this cannot last forever....it just can't

LOVE AND HUGS

Jess

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by KC67, Sep 30, 2013
Thanks Jess.  :-)

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by waterview4326, Sep 30, 2013
Hey Jess and KC

    I am not doing to good here lately, don't really know what is going on. I just have nothing good to really write about and tons of family problems. Jess so glad you posted, missed seeing your posts. KC I feel so much like you but I just am to down right now to really write, I am still here and sober. I feel the panic when I wake and just like you I wake up at 5 so crazy with horrible anxiety. I will write more when my spirit is a bit better, just wanted you both to know I am still fighting. Good Luck tomorrow KC and Jess so glad the Seroquel is helping, I am so struggling. Love To All

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by JessGehl, Sep 30, 2013
Waterview!!! You poor thing :( I know how you feel when it comes to writing. Lurking is just easier....read what others have to say and see if you can relate. Everyone heals differently...but in the end we will all be BETTER! and we just need to keep our eyes on that. I researched some more info about PAWS and i found some interesting things. supposedly multitasking can make the symptoms flare up, as well as doing to much exercise at once. soooo don't multitask! do one thing at a time and when you go for your walks or whatever take it slow slow slow....... and again like i said look into REVIVE vitamin water. IT HELPS!! or it does for me at least. also you might notice that during your period or the week before and during your period the depression might be horrid. and well thats an easy answer to why....hormones....everything is out of wack so before trams if you got a little down during your period it will be worse or if you got irritable it will be worse because of our brains healing and hormones raging and heck we are women haha

but lets just keep our eyes on the goal! NEVER GIVE UP NEVER SURRENDER!!

Isaiah 41:10

Fear not for I am with you ; be not dismayed for i am your God; i will strengthen you, i will help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

Love and Hugs :)

Jess





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by waterview4326, Sep 30, 2013
Jess I left you a note. Your words helped me so much. I almost feel like I did in the very beginning of detox, so irritable, hot flashes, mad at my poor dog for panting all over me, poor baby LOL!!!!!  I am just a witch today. My husband called me and told me about a grocery store going out of business, well I went there and it was a mad house, people everywhere, no parking spots etc. Well finally got one got in the store , no buggies etc, anyway I spiraled down after that, all those people, then my car got blocked in I had to go back and have it announced throughout the store, all this and when hubby called he said you got no groceries, I could have killed him.  I literalled have had anxiety since, don't know why, I think it was all the people, I don't know really.

  All I know for sure is this is crazy, tram withdrawl, I was NOT like this before trams, I can't concentrate right, I am a mess but I hope tomorrow is better, thank you Jess, you really helped. KC I will sure pray your visit tomorrow is good. I am going to bed. Love to all who are reading

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by KC67, Oct 01, 2013
Waterview - I am so very sorry you are still suffering too.  When it gets quiet on here, I wonder how everyone is doing.  For me, silence usually means I am suffering and lurking.  

I can totally relate to your grocery trip.  I have had a few of those kinds of experiences post-tram and they are not fun.  I would have been so irritated that I probably would have exploded at some poor innocent grocery clerk.  I just don't have the patience I had before trams and get so easily irritated right now.  Black Friday is right around the corner and you can bet that I will not be out there in the madness.  LOL.

Again, Jess, thank you so much for your encouragement.  I love the scriptures you posted.  You sound so good right now.  It gives me such hope.  I am going to get the Revive water today.  I have my accupunture appt later on today - so who knows?  Maybe today will be a decent day.  

If anyone else is out there feeling crappy, you are not alone.  This is such a lonely and long withdrawal.  Please post if you feel like it.  It helps.

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by waterview4326, Oct 01, 2013
Going to the grocery store now will pick up the water. I feel the same today, so irritable, the confusion is new, I can't concentrate at all, I start something and move to something else, not finishing my first task. Lord the people yesterday overwhelmed me, that's the word I am overwhelmed right now, I just feel awful. Again not meaning to de discourageing to someone new, the physical symptoms are ALL gone, it's the mental, the anxiety, the desperation to COPE with normal life sober is still a challenge to me. I had this 5.00 fee on my checking account that is not normal, I called the bank she had to explain like 10 times before I understood it, I am smart what is wrong with me, why is this happening now I am around 80 days.

  Anyway need to get going a ton to do and I could just cry right now. Jess knowing you feel better gives me hope, heck 2 weeks ago I was doing good, what happened to me? A complete mystery to me. KC I will think about you and your ACCU apt today, I hope it helps you so much. I will continue to move through this and pray for the good days that I do know will come.



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by youwho451, Oct 01, 2013
Hello everyone. I'm still lurking, but I am only being taken down a quarter of a pill a week so this is going to last awhile. I'm so sad that you still are having the emotional things going on, waterview. Needless to say, i hope I can handle it when I no longer have any pills. I have big doubts. And that is NOT the fault of your posts. It's because I know the pills have been handling other issues beyond my physical pain. HUGS

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by KC67, Oct 01, 2013
Youwho - so glad to see you post and that you are still hanging in there.  How are you feeling on the taper?

I too took the trams to help me deal with other issues.  And like Waterview said, it is tough to cope with normal life sober.  I am feeling again...but too much.  It's overwhelming at times and I find myself just shutting down.  But I still have hope - that this just HAS to get better.  The alternative is just too scary.

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by waterview4326, Oct 01, 2013
You Who I think just a quarter pill a week is the way to taper properly off trams. I think honestly the slower the better. you know I tapered and it did help the physical withdrawls so much, totally doable.

   KC I think that seeing my life sober is what is overwhelming. Like everything I am having a hard time dealing with are problems I have had the whole time I was using trams, I used trams to cope with all these issues I am dealing with. I too just start shutting down, it is easier than feeling it all. I find myself right now not deep breathing, just shallow breaths, like something bad is going to happen, it's just crazy. Also the move well I still am struggling with living here, I know I need to move forward but I am still angry over it all, for NO reason, it was the best thing for my husband who has been sick, I feel totally selfish but I am just not as happy here, not being on Trams I see and feel the unhappiness.  He is so happy but I just am not, I don't like driving here either, it just all bothers me.

   I too have hope, yep the alternative is too scary, I really have fought to get here, I know from what Emily has said as long as we don't swallow another pill, we will heal, we will get better, I guess 80 days is nothing compared to a life time but I really thought I would not feel so gloomy. I do EVERYTHING to help myself, exercise, push myself around people, but honestly I am struggling so much. Yes it has to get better. Youwho I think much of mine is my family issues, I think I just numbed myself on Trams. I am struggling but yet I am sober, happy for that, the good days are fantastic but the bad days are heck. Hoping for a good day tomorrow.

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by JessGehl, Oct 01, 2013
Good afternoon everyone! hope you are doing well. I decided i would start putting up some encouraging scripture for all of us going through this. If you are Religious or not I hope these help comfort you in some ways :)

Philippians 4:15

I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.

Psalm 9:9

The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble.

Psalm 55:22

Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you ; he will never let the righteous fall.



Love and Hugs

Jess

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by skh4you, Oct 01, 2013
Well, I'm embarrassed. ..I've been here before. I totally kicked tramadol of the ER variety. Several months ago, though, I thought I could handle taking just the 50 mg version once in awhile. Not so. So I was taking 300 mg a day and am now on day 2 of C/T AGAIN. I know that it's possible to do this because I did it before. . .but I am just so angry at myself. I remember this awful feeling and yet got here again anyway. I have been taking cold/flu medicine w/tylenol & aspirin. I'm trying to keep eating and I'm taking in lots of liquids. Pepto for nausea. I think the throwing up/diarrhea is over. I do have a week's worth of zolpidem and it knocked me out great last night so the RLS didn't wake me up. I've been pacing around a lot today. I remember how good it felt the day I woke up without the flu symptoms and "only" with brain zaps and fatigue. But here I am. . .again. I think I'm hyperventilating because my face is tingling.

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by JessGehl, Oct 02, 2013
Skh4you,

Don't be embarrassed!! A lot of people relapse because they just forget what it was like to detox. Just take deep breaths and know that you have come to the right place for help and support! we are all here to help you kick it again! :)

Love

Jess

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by JessGehl, Oct 03, 2013
No one has posted in some time......how is everybody???

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by KC67, Oct 04, 2013
Been feeling really low.  Sadness, "heaviness", hopeless at times.  Still have anxiety too.  

Got the Revive Vitamin water and I am trying to drink one every day.

I wish I had more positive things to say, but I just don't.  

I am still hanging in there.  Have not take another tram.  So that's good, but this really has to get better soon.

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by waterview4326, Oct 04, 2013
I'm still here also, today is 80 days for me.  I haven't posted because I too have been down, no energy, and just really depressed. I do have to say this has taken me by surprise totally. My dose was so low and my life is okay not great but there are good things in it, I SHOULD be happy but honestly I am just not.

   I don't post too much now because I have not had a good day in awhile, like I said the good days I get are GREAT but the bad days are BAD, my last few posts have been down, I don't think it is this way for everyone at all, however this is my journey and I am still struggling.

   I too am still hanging in there, I have taken no pills, so I know I am healing, when I get that good day I will post it, until then know I am still in the battle, I am still here and most of all I am still sober.

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by KC67, Oct 04, 2013
Just got home from my 3rd acupuncture appt.  I drank my Revive vitamin water beforehand - and I have to say I feel a lot better.  Surprising.

The first 2 acupuncture appts (earlier this week) didn't go so well.  My left hand swelled up - but that was because I moved around too much.  I was telling Waterview that I am not good at sitting still - and this is a very bad thing when you have sharp needles all in your arms and body.   Anyway, I felt basically nothing after the 1st 2 treatments.

My acupuncture guy told me that it would take about 10 visits or less.  I am not 100% sold on this yet, but I will let you know.  All I know is that right now I feel about 60% better than when I first posted this morning.  Maybe it was a combination of the vitamin water and the acu???

Another thing I have noticed is that the self-condemnation thing for me is so very strong right now.  My brain is constantly telling me how worthless, useless, and ugly I am.  I know this is not the truth, but the voices have been shelling me relentlessly lately.  This leads to sadness and low motivation to do anything.  I love to cook and I don't even enjoy that right now.  Everything seems overwhelming.

And if that weren't enough, my hubby is telling me to get back on the pills.  He says I have given it enough time and he wants his wife back.  This just makes me so sad.  Because I have come so far - I just can't go back.  I know he means well, but he just doesn't understand.  He has never been addicted to pills or drugs or alcohol.  He feels like if they were working for you, why did you stop?  Who cares if you are addicted if you need them?

I tried to show him the journal, but he is not interested.  He thinks it is all in my head.  Which just makes everything more complicated.  He is a great guy, but unless you have walked in my shoes, you will never understand.

So....yeah.  That's my life in a nutshell right now.  

I hope this nice, calm feeling continues on today.  I need a good day so badly.  Waterview, you are not alone and this just HAS to be the trams trying to get us to take more.

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by waterview4326, Oct 06, 2013
KC I know all to well unfortunately how you are feeling.  I have those relentless voices telling me I am ugly, stupid, just nothing, that nobody cares about my opinion, that I should just give this fight up. Honestly I am torn up inside, I can't believe what has happened to me, I was much better a month ago. I do everything possible to help myself and frankly I am just at a loss of what to do. It is not so much the depression but the voices saying that I just don't matter, my real self knows I matter but something just won't let go.

  One thing I really underestimated was my real pain I have with Lupus and Fibro. Now it certainly does not require narcotics but I really do have pain and extreme stiffness for the first few hours of the day. Now I take meloxicam which is an inflammatory and I do lots of exercises but the pain is there a good bit, I think in early recovery it was kind of NEW so to speak so now the REAL me is here and on top of adjusting to life without trams I see I do have real pain. I know how to deal with it but lets face it I am not young anymore and this is life but I was high all the time, I NEVER felt the pain.

  KC now going back to your husband well my husband says the same thing to me, he wants his old wife back, I have no clue where she is, frankly I just feel lost and empty. My husband also says go back on the pills you walk around like an old person until 2 everyday, well he also does not understand addiction. I explain to him that I can't just take the one pill in the morning, I will obsess on my next pill, he does not understand drug seeking behavior at all. Sometimes I just don't know anymore if I can continue this fight, I am not sure that I can blame all this on trams or not. I would love to hear from you Emily or anyone with long term sobriety if you felt like me or not. I go to yoga, I walk, I stretch but I am struggling with pain that I am quite surprised by, now I have no intention of going back, just curious if anyone else dealt with this after getting sober.

  Life is good for me as far as my family life, not perfect but I really should be happy. KC I asked hubby to read this also but he thinks all this is in my head, he thinks I should just take one pill in the morning and go through life painless, I know better than that. A normal person does not plan her life around pills, run out early, count constantly, go through hell and detox to get off them, however I am just plain down. I thought twice about posting this however I need some feedback here , I feel lost and I just don't understand why. I am pushing 90 days and frankly I read on the addiction forum how people feel good at 30, 60, days and well I don't read those posts because I am just not there. Honestly maybe I should take a break and not even read for awhile, maybe I am to discouraged now, not sure.  Anyway I know we can't compare journey's but I never ever thought I would still feel this bad, anyone else feel this way. One thing I want to share with anyone reading that I feel so much of this is my age, the fact we moved is HUGE, I just plain miss my old life, and also I really do have issues with The lupus and fibro that was kept hidden my the trams.   I  feel lost and plain ole crappy, I need a few good days to remind myself of what I am fighting for because frankly I don't know anymore.

  KC honestly I hope things are better for you, I really treasure you and if you feel better it would make me so happy for you. Jess I hope things are moving along also for you, you both are ahead of me, so I hope all good things. I am sorry if this post disappoints anyone, I really am trying but I have not had even one good day, I have forgotten what I am fighting for

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by allinblack, Oct 09, 2013
Hi all!

I am nearly at 7 months! woo hoo!  I have been reading all the latest updates since my last post.  I do want you guys to know that most of what you are going through is because of the withdrawal.  All of those symptoms are normal for where you are.  I think months 3-6 is where the most recovery happened for me... and the PAWS effects.  There were so many ups and downs and back and forths.  Hang in there guys!  It does get better and I thought I would never, ever say that.

I am really starting to feel like me now.  The windows are opening all the time.  Things I haven't felt or though about in years.. the good stuff... are happening finally.. and much more often.  Oh Goodness, that horrible morning anxiety is just now lifting.  I just kind of shrug it off now.  It's not real.  I think my way of thinking about it not being real is helping me in a cognitive behavior therapy sort of way.  Anytime I get negative thoughts  or anxiety, I try and distract myself with some nonsense mantra I repeat over and over in my head.  Pretty soon, it becomes automatic and my brain starts automatically fighting back the negativity.

Something new that is happening is that I am allowing myself to be happy.  Happy without fear of having another PAWS attack.  I have learned to accept that I can feel happy and that its normal.  Everyone has ups and downs and I cannot dwell on the bad stuff.  I have done this my whole life.  I was brought to and through this experience for a reason, and I am ready to move on from the past that my brain has created.  It's ok to be happy without being suspicious. :)

Like you, @KC67, I have been partaking in some alcohol consumption.  I know its not ideal, but it did help me some days where I surely thought I would not have made it through.  I don't feel too guilty.  I'm not drunk all the time everyday, but it helps me get through some rough spots.  I am definitely not recommending this for anyone.. esp those with addiction issues.  I just wanted KC not to feel guilty.

Things that have helped tremendously:
Low Carb, high protein diet.
Very, low sugar intake
Eating several small meals a day to assure blood sugar drops don't happen.
Staying hydrated and electrolyte beverages
Cognitive behavior therapy!!!!!!!!!!
low nightshade diet (low tomatoes, potatoes etc)
as much sleep as I can get
minimal or no caffeine (happy to report I can finally drink caffeine again sometimes without feeling overstimulated!!)
Tumeric for pain and inflammation.
Vitamin D, Vit C, magnesium, coconut oil, oregano oil.  (cut out the fish oil recently)
Taking a walk everyday and NOT overdoing exercise at all.  Stretches or yoga is also wonderful.
Wearing earplugs during the day if there is a lot of noise and during sleeping.  Also a face mask for sleep.
Salon Pas patches for pain spots... or Icy Hot
For some reason, sucking on cough drops helps my anxiety. Not sure way.  Discovered this way early in the process'
Occasional Xanax for extreme days.  Finding I don't need that so much these days.

And.. most importantly.. do everything you can to keep your mind busy!  Hobbies, games, cognitive behavior, challenging yourself to new experiences.

Playing puzzle games a lot helps the brain.  I made a lot of improvement when I started doing that.  Also, Lumosity brain exercises website helps.  Guys, we basically have had some brain damage.  We have to do some physical therapy, just like they do with stroke victims.

Let me know if anyone has any questions

Much love to you all and I am praying for all of your recovery

XOXO

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by KC67, Oct 10, 2013
Thank you Allinblack.  So much.  

I am still suffering, but I come here every day - to lurk.

I envision the day when I can come back on here and (like you) say, "I did it.  I made it.  And it's all going to be okay."

Thank you for the hope and for your encouragement.

Still fighting.  Every moment.  It's so hard right now.

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by FourJays, Oct 11, 2013
Hi everyone,

I have come to care so much for all of my friends here; many of whom have really been struggling lately.  I don’t have any great answers or quick fixes, but I can share some of my experiences at 10 ½ months clean from Tramadol.  Not all of these are good ones, and thus why I have not written about it before now.  I have hesitated to talk about the negatives; not wanting to discourage newbies, lurkers or anyone for that matter.  But I’ve decided to do so, because in the long run, the good FAR, FAR, FAR outweighs the bad.

My Tramadol ‘story’ is extreme.  I used it for about 15 years; as prescribed at first, but was abusing it heavily by the time I quit on 12/1/12.  I was taking massive doses of these pills by that time; up to 40+ pills per day (sad, but true).  While every person and every recovery is different and unique, I’m thinking that if I am alive and well, then there is truly hope for everybody!

This recovery has been NO cakewalk.  At 10 ½ months clean . . . I still struggle with lack of energy and motivation, I still have some ‘aversion to people’ issues, I get overwhelmed and anxious with feelings of guilt and regret for all that my addiction has cost myself and my family, I have problems with emotional overreaction, I don’t sleep well and my short term memory just straight up stinks!

BUT, when I consider that one year ago I had NO energy or motivation (except to get pills); NEVER went out or talked to my friends; pushed away the ALWAYS present dark thoughts, guilt and regret by reasoning that I would quit ‘someday’;  had NO emotions whatsoever and was apathetic toward life in general; and remembered very little about anything (except when I needed pills) . . . I think I am doing quite well actually.

Because what is significant to me is what has happened in between now and one year ago; while still not perfect, I have come a very long way.  I am exercising and eating much better - not perfect, but better; I have renewed relationships with 2 of my closest friends; I’m working on the guilt and regret issues; I still get emotional because I can FEEL again;  sleep is better, and the short term memory – well, still lacking but Mother Nature may have a little to do with that! 

And ALL of these lingering symptoms; the lack of energy, the anxiety, the sleep issues, the memory (just to name a few), are all VERY common symptoms of Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS), a condition that peaks at 3 to 6 months clean and can last up to a year, even longer.  The great news is that is DOES get better.  Check out this link – a great article about PAWS and some things we can do to help alleviate symptoms and expedite the healing process:

http://whatmesober.com/personal-writing-about-addiction-and-recovery/early-recovery/paws/

I have done a lot of research on Tramadol and what it does to our brains and our bodies - and it is SCARY!  It physically alters our brains; literally!  Taken over time, the synthetic particles from Tramadol interfere with and start producing the serotonin our brain used to create on its’ own naturally.  And because it is a synthetic, unlike natural opiates (hydrocodone, oxycodone; even heroin), it is NOT derived from natural opium.  It stays in our body much longer.  It stores in our fat cells!  It is a chemical, made in a lab – by a company that has been repeatedly sued and investigated for misleading and unlawful practices; including providing false information about its products to health care professionals and promoting unlicensed medications.  Seriously???  We are lucky to be alive!  (Sources include:  Wikipedia, including the article suggested by allinblack :), peoplespharmacy.com, ehealthforum.com).

And those Tram ‘voices’ so many of us hear; they want to trick us into thinking that this state of withdrawal is our new ‘NORMAL’; that it is a permanent state and therefore we might as well just go back on the pills.  Please - DON’T LISTEN!!!  We may need to re-evaluate what our new “normal” will be and stop chasing the old pre-Tramadol “normal”; but I refuse to believe its withdrawal forever!

For me, I have realized that a full recovery will require NOTHING less than MY relentless dedication to staying clean and being proactive in my OWN care.  This means a commitment to a healthy physical and emotional lifestyle and doing something positive for my recovery every single day (even on those days when even getting out of bed is the LAST thing I feel like doing; and I still occasionally have those - but then again I had them before Tramadol too!).  And I am the only one that can make this happen.  My going back on the pills would surely mean loss of everything – my family and possibly my life….NOT an option.

For anyone thinking about going back – PLEASE consider this – taking Tramadol again would only be a temporary, short term fix.  One that would require LONG term repair.  Stay strong my friends….we can do this – together )

Jess - thanks for passing on the Revive thing; I love that everyone is trying it!  I still drink one every day!  And - a friend gave me a great idea - put it in the freezer for about 10-15 minutes and you have a slushy!!!   Great stuff :))

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by JessGehl, Oct 12, 2013
“Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.”
― Thomas A. Edison


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by JessGehl, Oct 14, 2013
ATTENTION ALL TRAMADOL VETERANS!!

PLEASE FEEL FREE TO WRITE ALL ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE AND HOW YOU GOT BETTER!!

Us lurkers need some hope....

Jess

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by Molytex, Oct 15, 2013
Well - 79 days out and I'm all back to normal - 100% .... it has been a terrifying few months and hopefully I will never go down that road again - knock on wood.

It CAN be done and in my case the added antidepressants I have been on for many years helped me out

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by waterview4326, Oct 15, 2013
Well just thought I would check in. I am 91 days clean today and I am still here fighting the fight. I won't sugar coat any of this I have been struggling more since the first of October than in the past. Four Jays thank you for your post and the info on the web sites, it is sad to read this may continue yet in a way comforting to know that EVENTUALLY in time the doom will pass. I think for me I have hours in the day I feel good, like maybe 2 or 3 GOOD hours, I hope that eventually those good hours will last longer and then maybe go to days. I will say today I thought about how terribly difficult it used to be to wash and dry my hair, go down stairs etc. and now all those things are easy for me, in fact I have improved greatly if I think about it.

   The hardest part is this doom and gloom feeling I carry around, I really don't belly laugh anymore, it is all still forced energy, but the fatique is getting better, that I know for sure. Molytex I am so happy that at 79 days you are back to normal, how long did you use trams? KC I feel everything you wrote in your post, I too am still here and lurking daily, I read here everyday to see how my friends here are. Jess I think of you often also and I loved the above quote about giving up when so close to success, sometimes I feel like giving up yet I wonder am I almost there?  The night you posted that I really needed to hear those words. Four Jays you help us so much by coming back here and sharing we need to hear from veteran members, I think it helps us so much.

   So I just wanted to share I am still here and will continue to be lurking, waiting to come out of this haze, I have made improvements in this past 3 months and will simply be greatful for that.  Also ALLINBLACK thank you also for checking in with us

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by JessGehl, Oct 16, 2013
i have been thinking these last few days.............We the TRAM WARRIORS as Emily puts it, are in some ways almost lucky to go through this experience. at the end of it when we are all better we will have something that no one else has. we will have humility and appreciation for the little things, we know what it is like to fight every day. we know what it is to suffer and then suffer some more. other people complain about petty things in my opinion, work, stress, relationship problems etc. But we again in the end of our battle will find those things those complaints worthless and petty because we are well and that is all that matters. THAT is what we will get from this experience we will be WELL! we will live again. while others will be stuck taking life for granted we will be reborn and cherish life. because we know...........we know what it is to suffer so deeply that life seems meaningless. that death would be a better answer than what we are feeling or what we are not feeling. that in the end.......we are stronger and better than the average person, who just deals with everyday living. while we will conquer and LIVE life to its fullest because we know what it is to not live. we the TRAM WARRIORS are strong! because we are still here we are still alive, we are still fighting. and when the battle is over, we will have won! and that will make us proud of ourselves, and give us the ability to help others going through this. we know. others do not. we can help and be there, because we know.

Jess

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by waterview4326, Oct 16, 2013
OMG Jess that was just beautiful!!!!!!!!!!!   You are absolutely right in what you said, we will appreciate life because we are fighting to live again, we will be reborn after this and I honestly know I will never complain about petty stuff when I get through this. To have a doom and gloom free life well I will honestly be happy with that. I do believe as Tram warriors we are stronger than the average person, you have to walk through tramadol detox and sobriety to understand it at all. Jess I swear I cried when I read what you wrote, it is so true, we are still fighting the fight.  We will live life to the fullest because YES we know what it is to NOT live, beautifully written thank you

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by KC67, Oct 18, 2013
Hello everyone,
I have not posted in awhile because these past few weeks I literally feel as if I traveled to hell and back.  I actually felt WORSE than I felt in early withdrawal.  And it seemed to last forever.  

Please believe me when I say that I don't want to discourage anyone who is thinking about quitting this drug or is in the midst of early withdrawal.  I believe that Tramadol (Ultram) is one of the worst drugs. Period.  If I have learned anything over the past 10 years on this horrible drug, it is that it is a random withdrawal and your experience may be completely different than mine.  And if I can help or encourage anyone to quit taking it, I want to do so.  However, like Waterview said, I don't want to sugar coat this.  

Today I am at 137 days out and I have had a few decent (not good) days in a row.  I am so very thankful for them.  I thought I would never emerge from the darkness and "heaviness" I felt.  These past few days I feel as if I am about 85% back to normal.  I still wake (early) with the dread/anxiety, but I find that if I get out of bed and get my day going, it seems more manageable.  I feel as if I am just now beginning to get my life back.  I am feeling again, but yet it is not overwhelming me anymore.  I am better able to deal with the daily stress of life and am able to love and respond better.

I have/had many life issues that I used trams to numb.  I have had to face these issues head on.  It was scary and it still is a challenge, but I am taking it day by day – moment by moment.  And it is do-able.

There were so many days – many days – where I felt as if I were just going through the motions – not really living, but just existing.  I was incapable of doing too much.  I wasn’t there for my children and husband the way I wanted to be.  It was so difficult.   I am trying very hard to show myself grace and not beat myself up.

Dear sweet Jess,
I echo Waterview's sentiments.  That was beautifully written.  And omg - so true about the battle.  

I can actually envision what you are talking about – that one day I will consider myself “lucky” for going through this ordeal.   If you had said those words a few weeks ago, I would not have been able to even process what you are saying.  

Yes,  having been to hell and back was quite a horrific and terrifying journey.  And the mundane things of life don’t seem to affect me as much.  And yes, I AM a better person because of this.  I never realized how strong I actually am and I have compassion – deep compassion -  for ANYONE suffering through addiction – of any kind – because of my own personal journey with tramadol withdrawal.

If I had not suffered so greatly, I would not be able to understand.  But I do.

What doesn’t kill us, makes us stronger.  In the case of trams, taking more pills is the more dangerous option.


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by gunitbot6, Oct 18, 2013
KC67 i remember your name from about 2 years ago, i see your still dealing with Tramadol withdrawals. It took me 6 months to get back to 100%, i believe in 2 months you will be 100% as well.

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by KC67, Oct 19, 2013
Thanks guitbot6.  I remember you too.  I keep hearing that "6 months" is the magic number.  I just wish it would hurry up and get here.  :-)

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by FourJays, Oct 19, 2013
Good morning Tramadol Warriors,

Jess - I LOVE what you wrote and agree 100%!  I also believe that we will come out much stronger having gone through the H*** of Tramadol detox and withdrawal.  Withdrawal from any addictive drug is difficult (or there wouldn't be forums like these with hundreds of people needing and giving support to help each other through), but Tramadol just seems to be harder than most.  And with all I have learned about this med, it makes sense to me, i.e., the synthetic nature of it and how it stays in our bodies longer, etc.  But Jess, what you wrote, it's from the heart and so, so true!  We WILL all get through this and come out stronger in the end.  Stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually, and with a new appreciation for the little things in life that we took for granted for so long (some, like me, longer than others :))

We all need to keep up the fight, because I know things really DO get better.  We are all different and I really don't think that there is any way to predict how one person's recovery will be as compared to another's.  I do believe that a lot of it has to do with how long a person used and how much (thus why my recovery is still going, into my 11th month).  But then again, there are those that only used this med for a short time at small doses and still have experienced long and drawn out withdrawals.  This does not really surprise me anymore though, given the nature of this complex and truly evil drug.

I want to share some really encouraging news with all of my friends here - something that I hope will help give positive motivation to those of you still really struggling at several months out.  About a year ago I took a real estate course.  In my state, you have to take and pass the course and then take a state examination to get your license.  Somehow I passed the class - not really sure how, I think because the teacher let us keep taking the final until we got it right!  Anyway, holidays came and then on December 1st I quit Tramadol.  For the next few months, real estate was about the LAST thing on my mind.  As the weeks and months went by I decided I would get the books back out and schedule the state exam.  I realized right away that I was in trouble; I found I had retained very little from the class.  So I took a 4 hour "cram for the exam" class and got a practice CD to take home.  When I got to question #75 and had 7 correct I lost it.  Gotta say that was one of the lowest points since I got clean; I was devastated and figured I had permanently damaged my brain.  Well, fast forward about 5 months later to a couple weeks ago.  I decided to take the entire course over again.  I could tell at day 1 that things were different....I could listen without my mind wandering.  I could read the material and REMEMBER it!!!  I took the state exam last Thursday and PASSED with 70 minutes to spare!!!  In my state, the average is 2 to 3 tries to pass.  It was my first!  I have a real estate license - I still cant believe it and keep pinching myself to be sure I'm not dreaming!!!

So - PLEASE - anyone and everyone out there struggling to get free of this med and get your life back - IT WILL HAPPEN!!!  The damage is NOT permanent!  Even with an extreme case like mine (yes, the 40 - 45 pill a day habit for 15 years), you will get better.  As I said in my post last weekend, even at 11 months, I still have issues.  But considering where I was 11 months ago and where I am now, I feel it's truly a miracle, I really do.  

Waterview and KC - you beautiful and caring people....I hate that you are still hurting, but please, please, please hang in there.  It is impossible to know how/when/why your day of relief will come, but it will come.  You are healing right now, every single day; even though you may not "feel" it, you are.  Why some people feel better in a few months and others struggle for many, many months - who knows.  Every person, every recovery is different.  But our goal is the same - to take our lives back and 'live' again.  And you will.  Please know you will - we all will.  One thing for sure; little pills NO longer run our lives, and that alone is a HUGE victory!

Love to you all - hope everyone has a GOOD weekend :))

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by JessGehl, Oct 21, 2013
Update. Starting effexor tomorrow. Hope it helps.....

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by waterview4326, Oct 24, 2013
Hello my tramadol friends

    Today is day 100 for me, I really feel happy about that. On day one I thought day 100 seemed to be a great deal of sobriety but as I walk through this tramadol journey, I realize that 100 days although great is really not that long. The forum sure has been slow lately and I am always kind of concerned when it is slow, I know I tend sometimes to not post because my struggle to get my life back some days is kind of discouraging. I think today is kind of a milestone as I am approaching triple digits. First off FourJays thank you from the bottom of my heart for your post, to see you achieve something so wonderful gives us hope, to take time to come back and share is truly a blessing, I hope that you see what a treasure you are here. Jess I hope the Effexor helps you, how have you been feeling since you last posted? KC you are my dear friend and sharing our journey together has been such a joy to me. To all who come back here, thank you, thank you, because at times I feel like I am all alone until I come here, nobody understands this journey unless they have walked it.

   I think I am making progress, my energy level now is getting much better, it was hands down the most debilitating part of the journey for me, it has taken all this time to even feel remotely human. I won't ever forget that dreaded lead leg as I walked up the stairs, truly it has taken me all of the 100 days to achieve normalcy in that regard. I am not sure about other people but I have very good days, then very bad days. The good days are days I sail through my day with hardly any fatique, days that I don't get offended easily, days that I am not irritable, however the bad days are cranky, I get extremely offended easily, and the dreaded fatique gets me. I hate those days , now I have to wonder how much of it is tram related but I think most of it is. I have the same problems every day but my perception of the problem is different depending on whether it is a good or bad day.

    I struggle still with being affectionate, not sure why. Seems maybe my emotions I still want to somehow guard them what I am now struggling with is how much of this is just my family life or tramadol, so that is where I am at on 100 days. I feel like I have come so far some days then other days I feel like I haven't made much progress, I still have to believe so much of this is the drug still. This truly is the most difficult drug I believe to get off of, the voices still call me some days, tell me I am nothing, that nobody cares, each day I fight to keep going, I refuse to go back, this has been hands down the hardest thing I have endured.

   So for anybody reading , there is life after this drug. From people like Emily, FourJays, I realize no one person goes through this the same way, every person endures sobriety differently, however you can stop the insanity of using, it is possible, there is a good life out there, I know one day I won't have all these messed up feelings, I am not where I was anymore, thank goodness, but not where I want to be yet, but I will make it, today I feel much stronger than 100 days ago, I am very greatful for that

Love To All

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by KC67, Oct 27, 2013
Hello to everyone,
I am happy to report that I have now had several good days in a row.  Amazing.  I thought I would never emerge from the heaviness, sadness, and darkness.  Although I hope this may be the end of the bad days, I know better.  This roller coaster ride of recovery is always a random one.

Waterview, thank you for your beautifully written post (above).  Congratulations on triple digits!  Gosh, I remember posting way back in early withdrawal that I expected to be almost 100% recovered at 90 days.  Boy was I wrong!  Although there are so many who recover in less than 90 days, I unfortunately was not one of them.

I am still functioning at about 85% when I have a good day.  Like Waterview said, the bad days are really bad.  Especially after having a few good days.  You think, "what the heck just happened?  I was beginning to feel great and then bam!  back into darkness again".  So discouraging.

Fourjays - so happy for your victory on the test!  It is so encouraging to know that this brain fog isn't permanent.  
Jess - hope you are doing well too.  Please drop us a line if you get a chance.

Anyone out there struggling?  Please post.  This is a safe place with good-hearted people.  Don't do this alone.

I guarantee I would have relapsed already if not for Emily and the folks on this journal.  Emily, thank you for keeping this going.

Here's to hoping all of you are seeing better days.

Love,
kc


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by FourJays, Oct 27, 2013
Hi everyone,

Congrats on 100 days Waterview; this IS a huge milestone!  You have come so far and it sounds like you are really making some good progress.  When you think back to the early detox days; the 'lead legs'.....oh I can SO remember that.  I remember feeling like I was in someone else's body - walking through quicksand!  Thank Goodness those acute physical symptoms don't last long.

But unfortunately I know some of the emotional/mental ones do linger.  Like Waterview said, it seems like 100 days in this withdrawal isn't really that long.  I just want to encourage everyone - including myself, to look at the big picture.  I have 11 months clean - today.  It sure seems to me like a long time to still be having any kind of tramadol related issues.  But when I think about the fact that I took it for over 11 YEARS; well, it kind of puts it all in to perspective.  So, please, think of the 100 days; in fact ANY amount of days . . even one, or two, or 200 - free of tramadol - as an investment in the rest of our lives!  

KC - it is so good to hear that you have had some good days too!  I so hope they continue; you are fighting this battle so hard....it WILL be worth it.  You will win this :)

This really is a great, safe place.  If you are out there and need some support - please post.  You wont regret it!

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by serenenow, Oct 27, 2013
It has been over a year since I've stopped Tramadol and it seems that my sleep has finally began to return to normal.  However, I'm fully aware of the menopause I'm going through as opposed to not feeling much while on the Tramadol!  I am taking hormone replacement therapy for that.  Life is good today.  My daughter just recently got married, I have four grandchildren between my two daughters now, still engaged, and grateful that I don't have to wake up in the middle of the night or the next morning looking for that next pill to "get through."  I am forever grateful to have met others on this site who are and were experiencing the same thing so that I know I'm not alone.  However, I continue to pray that those already addicted find a way out of the dark.  This drug so needs to be banned.  It destroys so many lives.  keep fighting the good fight all who are still battling.  

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by waterview4326, Oct 28, 2013
Hi Serenenow

    Thank you for posting, wow a year that is so great. I am pushing 4 months now and I do notice my sleep now is way deeper, also just like you I was so numb on trams, to be honest I feel my emotions are not fully back yet. After being diligent in my recovery I realize that this is normal, I follow Emily, FourJays, KC, Jess, and many others and I think it takes awhile before our emotions balance out. I so know what you mean about being greatful to NOT be on the search for pills, me too!!!!!!  I am also greatful for this site, to not feel alone has been key in my journey back to life.

   FourJays again Thank You for posting your journey, I am so darn proud of you!!!!!!!  Thank You for the support and encouragement along the way. KC well you know how I feel about you, I hope your good days continue, I really believe as I told you before, I believe you will have way more good days than bad one's now, I hope that is how it continue's for you. Jess drop us a line, I have tried posting notes to you lately but the posts won't go through for some reason, I think of you often.

   So for me I seem to be feeling really good, I feel good in my own skin today. I have said this before I feel at peace with myself, I no longer hate myself which unfortunately went on for months, I found fault with myself because the tram voices were so loud, saying I am nothing, worthless etc. Today I am just beginning to accept myself for WHO I am now, trying to like myself again, I am very different but I believe this is my new normal. I am really domestic and enjoy it which is also different, I like staying in my home and doing all things that go with that, so instead of making myself like who I think I should be, I am just embracing WHERE I am in recovery, I think all things will come in time as I go further in sobriety.

   So today for all enduring Tramadol, I feel good, I NEVER EVER thought I would say that. I feel happy inside, joyful to be free of pills. Anyone reading I suffered tremendously in getting to this point but if you stay off the pills, I promise in time it gets better, I know like KC said I am NOT out the woods, I know I will have bad days but they are getting fewer and fewer, life is so much better off tramadol, it really is ;possible to get off the pills and enjoy life again, everyone stay in the fight, for those still battling I am proof it can be done, we have many warriors here fighting.

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by Kylie4501, Oct 29, 2013
Hey Everyone,

I am 7 days clean!! I am so proud of myself as this is the longest I have lasted and I know Tramadol is behind me. My days are still annoying just because of the sweating and not very much sleep yet, but I am feeling better everyday. I feel so good in the evenings. Tonight I have been walking around, cleaning, getting my kids bags ready for daycare, etc....I realized I am doing all of this on my own clean energy and it feels so good. I tried to quit so many times so my symptoms were very easy this time around, for the most part. I have been so tired and go to bed but still end up waking up around 3am wide awake and not able to sleep any longer, I know it will get better. I am just so grateful as to how clean I feel. I feel like I am finally over this and going to live a healthy life. I just pray I didn't do too much damage to my body while on the pills. I am going to slowly start exercising this week, I think I am ready. I am sure I will feel even better after that. Have a great day everyone.

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by KC67, Oct 31, 2013
Hi Kyle - it is good to see you back.  Congrats on 7 days - actually today would be 8 days.  :)
It is such a great feeling to get through your day without tramadol, isn't it?  And yes, the fatigue is tough.  I still suffer from it along with bouts of depression.  It helps to go to bed early - even if you are waking early.  The sleep issues are such a pain!  But like Emily said in an earlier post, the sleep deprivation won't kill you.  However, the trams will.

Keep going and posting!

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by Railstin, Oct 31, 2013
I've been on Tramadol for 4 months.  Currently i'm on around 1000 mg a day.  I had a grand mal seizure from it a few months ago, but at the time I did not know it was from the Tramadol.  I tried quitting cold turkey a few days ago.  My GOD.  I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober since 2009.  But that was nothing compared to the Tramadol withdrawal.   I even had a seizure withdrawing from alcohol and broke my back, WHICH was why I was prescribed the Tramadol in the first place.  Do doctors just not know???.  I lasted 2 days.  That's it.  The sweats, pain, yawning, sneezing, panic attacks constantly, little mini heart attacks, depression, crying, no sleep, pain, shaking...

I'm very afraid of quitting.  I really don't know if it's possible.

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by KC67, Nov 01, 2013
Hi Railstin,
Yes, everything you mentioned is tramadol related.  I had the little mini heart attacks too in early withdrawal.  

I am not going to lie to you.  Tramadol is a very tough drug to come off of.  I wish I understood more about how it affects our brains and our bodies, but I have read that it is stored in our fat cells.  Perhaps that is why it hangs on for so long and the withdrawals are so severe.  

Anyone out there understand the chemistry of tramadol?  Maybe someone else can provide a better explanation.

I remember the fear of quitting very well.   I had to replace the fear with anger.   I have been on tramadol for 10 years and tried quitting so many times, I lost count.  This time I am determined to never take one again.  Ever!  This drug is so evil and it ruined 10 years of my life.

You can do this.  But you will need to get angry at it and go to war!  Stay determined and post here a lot.  I've been where you are right now and it *****.  I am still battling symptoms like fatigue and depression, but they seem to be getting much more manageable.

Also, be prepared for loved ones not understanding what you are going through.   Unless you have taken this journey, it is impossible to understand.  Even today, my husband - who has been somewhat supportive - told me that it is all in my head and I need to stop using it as an excuse.  Needless to say, I am very angry at him right now.  But he doesn't understand.  He has never been addicted to pills or any substance.

This is a good place to come.  Kind-hearted compassionate people who understand.  People who have been there and come out on the other side.  And all say that life is better once the withdrawals subside.

I wish you the best Railstin.  It's a very hard journey, but worth it to be FREE of these devil pills.



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by Kylie4501, Nov 05, 2013
I am day 15 and have been having some rough days! Yesterday is when the rage/angry feeling hit me and it is not going away. I am crabby at everything and everyone. I really hope this passes soon. Really craving the pills these last couple days!

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by L_Lady, Nov 08, 2013
Hello everyone!  Haven't checked back in a long time...but I'll always keep this account and never stop checking it permanently.  Im so proud of everyone!  It really is a rocky road and we should all be so proud.  :)

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by cali_soleil, Nov 10, 2013
Please,  don't only post when you feel good. I don't want to feel alone in how miserable I feel.
Yes, I'm a lurker. And I'm leaning on all of you. Keep posting! Tell me and all the other people suffering and lurking and hoping it gets better. Good and bad!

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by cali_soleil, Nov 10, 2013
I hate this waking, very early in the morning.. and the feeling of.. dread.

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by waterview4326, Nov 10, 2013
Well Wed I will be 4 months sober. I will be honest I have really struggled to get here and at times the very thought of taking a pill overwhelms me. Cali soleil I had to pause before I typed this out because honestly I hate to be discouraging to anyone, you are right this forum is terribly slow, but I struggle to really come to terms with how I feel. I feel so happy that my energy is level all day long, when I was on Tram I would have that FAKE energy that lasted an hour then I would get that sad feeling until my next pill. Today I do wake up without that tired feeling and I really feel happy in that.

   What I find the most discouraging part for me is my lack of real affection and passion in life, I don't feel depressed at all it is more of a feeling of numbness, I hate it. I have to believe as long as I keep pushing forward that it will return, the feeling of WANTING to hug, wanting to love, wanting to get back to hobbies I enjoyed, I do these things but I force myself, I don't want it to be forced. I don't feel depressed which I guess I should be greatful for, however the numbness actually wears me down.

   Anyway Wed will be 120 days for me. This has not been easy at all, I SEE all things I chose to ignore while actively using, there is a sadness for me that I feel so numb, I long to feel passionately about anything, however I have made huge progress since day 1, I am truly surprised how hard this mental journey is, however despite all of it I would like to say the feeling of being free from tramadol is joyful to me, there is a peace within me when I just sit down, no more wondering how I will get another refill, no more counting, calling the doctor and PRAYING she calls in a refill, also I know what you mean about the feeling of dread I still get it sometimes but there are good days also. So I hope everyone lurking here feels good, I still struggle but I am still here, still sober, and still trying to put the pieces back together, It all does take time, still hate the word time. Will always be greatful for this forum to put my feelings out here and not be judged. Love to all my friends here

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by hatetram, Nov 11, 2013
(((((((((Cali-soleil.....))))))))))

I have been clean of this drug for almost 9 months but I still check back on the forum from time to time (like when I had PAWS this last summer...Grrrrr)  and your statement reminded me of the thing that I hated above all other symptoms when I was withdrawing from this poison, and that is that early morning doom and dread and anxiety that you feel. I know EXACTLY what you're talking about, and I know it doesn't affect everyone, but for those of us who get that particular side effect of withdrawal, it is horrible. I remember it so well, almost dreading when I would wake up for a drink of water or something and seeing the faintest light of morning showing through the window because I knew I would be in for it until about 11 AM. Only on rare occasions could I actually fall back asleep and sleep through it, but for the most part I knew I just had to suck it up. I even had an old prescription for Xanax ( which I have never been tempted to abuse in my life) and I would grab one of them sometimes first thing in the morning and it didn't even touch it. It was like swallowing a piece of candy. I wish I knew more about that horrible anxiety and dread that washes over you first thing in the morning when you're withdrawing from tramadevil and what causes it. I'm so curious about it and what it's from. Anyway, I'm rambling, but I just want you to know that somebody out here knows exactly what that feels like. It DOES go away, and it's not fatal, but for a while you sure wish it was. LOL

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by cali_soleil, Nov 11, 2013
::: hatetram:::

Thanks so much for your post! It truly does help to know that I'm not the only one feeling this way. Not only "not the only one", but, that it WILL get better and I'm not doomed to wake up every morning feeling this way.

:::waterview::: Thank you for reading my post and for all the posting you have done while kicking this drug. I've been following your progress here and it has helped me cope. I check here everyday.. 3, 4, 5 times a day. That's why I want to hear it all.. the good, the bad, the ugly. All you posters who share help and comfort a great many people! and I am one of them.

Iv'e been clean and sober for more than 20 years after going thru a 60 day lock-down re-hab hospital. But nothing kicked my a$$ mentally as much as tramadol withdrawal. Not even close! I'm so looking forward to getting on the other side of this!

This too shall pass.

Karen

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by FourJays, Nov 11, 2013
Hi cali,

Congrats on getting off the tramadol!  I struggled with this med for so, so long and can totally relate to how you are feeling.  You are definitely not the only one!  I experienced similar feelings in the morning in my detox and withdrawal too.  I remember waking (that is if I even slept!), and just NOT wanting to get out of bed; having absolutely NO motivation to do anything and NO interest in anything whatsoever!  It was a miserable time, but with each sober day that passed it got better and better.  Sometimes it felt like I would get stuck in a rut for a few days and then the progress would start up again.  You are not doomed to feel like this forever, I promise!

Tramadol withdrawal is really tough; especially the mental and emotional part (even after the physical w/d has passed).  It is a nasty, evil med that does not like to let go.  It is persistent and relentless and will wait to strike as soon as you let your guard down.  So be strong - you CAN do this!  In a few weeks I will have ONE YEAR clean and free from Tramadol.  My habit was extreme - I used it for 15 years at massive doses.  Please believe me when I say - If I can do this - you can do this!  It has not been easy, but it has been the best thing I have ever done in my life and worth EVERY single minute of the pain and discomfort.

The feelings you are having now are completely normal.  So please, hang in there....you will get to the other side.  It will get better.  Like hatetram said, it's not fatal - even though at times early on it may seem like it is.  

You are not alone :))

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by KC67, Nov 12, 2013
Okay Cali.  I haven't posted in awhile because I don't have much positive to say.  But since you asked, I will tell you that I am still awakening with the dread/panicky feeling and I am over 160 days out!  I am so tired of this.  I feel like I am just going through the motions each day - not really living - just existing.  I don't have any motivation to do much of anything and I am tired of it all.  I didn't used to be like this.  

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by cali_soleil, Nov 12, 2013
:::: Hi Fourjays and KC67 :::::

This is day 9 of CT for me.

Thanks for taking the time to write something here!
KC, I'm so sorry you are still feeling so miserable. But thanks, for being honest. It doesn't help me, (or anyone else I don't think)  if you candy-coat what's happening to you. Especially the first few weeks of trying to de-tox and get clean. And only post when you have good days ... or semi-good days...  lol.   I'll feel like  "I'm the only one" going thru this c***p.
Of course we all want to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and, KC, I hope yours comes soon! The mental stuff and feeling only dread and doom and gloom when you see the sun come up makes it hard to keep going. I completely and totally understand. The feeling as if you aren't truly living - just existing- just getting thru the day. I didn't used to be like this either.
Thank you all again. It truly does help for me to see you here and your words!

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by serenenow, Nov 13, 2013
I wished this site worked like facebook and I could just go through and "like" every single post because I can relate to all of them :)

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by Done4ever5, Nov 19, 2013
Hi I am new to this but finding it very helpful! I have been on the trams for 5 yrs. I didn't even know what the pills were until I was given one about 6 weeks after having my first baby. I went back to work and started having horrible back pain and someone had given me one and I wish I woulda never taken it! My story is very long but ill make it short. I found a dr after that first pill who easily prescribed tramadol for me. Well after one pill a day at first and five years later up to 20 pills a day and had two seizures from them and that still didn't stop me. My two kids seen both seizures and it scared them so much but I still couldn't stop. I was taking them from anyone and everyone. Well finally I said enough is enough and I'm on day 20 cold turkey without any. Everyday does get better but I'm also on gabapentin for anxiety and have been since my first seizure. It helps keep me somewhat calm and helps me sleep at night but my biggest problem is NO ENERGY at ALL! It's horrible! I need help with this! On other sites I've seen people talk about Kratom?! I've never tried it but heard stories on it also. Just wondering if it would be something safe to take until I'm back to my normal self? I remember going thru cold turkey withdrawals before and they never lasted this long. That my main problem is getting up in mornings and no energy and I also have little kids to take care of. No one else knows what I'm going thru so that's why I joined this. I need support! I can't tell anyone either. My husband would freak and I would just feel like a complete failure. Sorry I hope this makes since. I could go on and on about everything but will leave it like this for now.

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by waterview4326, Nov 19, 2013
Hi Done4ever

   Your post hit home with me as my lack of energy has ALWAYS been what I struggled with. It was my worst WD symptom and honestly it lingered for awhile. I struggled so much in the mornings and it lingered every day until around 2 in the afternoon, I will tell you for me is was terribly hard. I am in my 50's so I think that played a huge role in it. I will tell you what worked for me in hopes it may help you I am going into my 5th month off trams and it has sure been a journey.

    I found light exercise key, I know it sounds crazy, it does not have to be heavy exercise at all, a brisk walk, 10 minutes here and there on the treadmill or around the neighborhood, anything to MOVE the body, I found trying to do this in the mornings key followed by a hot shower, when I was feeling AWFUL and I was, it was key to me, some days it may only be 5 or 10 minutes BUT it truly helps the body. When we get off trams we stop producing our natural endorphins and we feel tired because our body is having to make them on it's own again, all this takes time, the dreaded word time, but I promise you if you keep moving forward and do not take a pill your body will slowly adjust back to having natural energy, for me I struggled for the first 3 months, with each week seeing improvements. Also I took the sublingual b12 and a regular multi vitamin. I so know how you are feeling right now, please know you are not alone. There are so many of us here that have struggled to get back to feeling good, but it is a slow process, you will get there. Also I found small meals several times a day helped me, instead of 3 big meals. This is a great place for support, you are never alone here and truly I thought my energy would NEVER come back, I wrote about it constantly here, it does come back I promise, it is a slow and steady process but realize it takes our body time, please be kind to yourself you have done an amazing thing for yourself, I have no experience with Kratom or anything else, I tapered down off tramadol and then just quit, you will get many other answers about that. So happy you posted and you will get your energy back I promise.

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by Done4ever5, Nov 23, 2013
Thanks waterview it means sooo much to me that others care when I feel so alone in this since nobody around me knows what I'm going thru! My energy gets a little bit better everyday but yes it is a slow progress! I'm ready for it to be over and I will NEVER touch another evil pill again! My babies deserve so much more from me. I'm not going to take the Kratom because I've read up on it and it can also cause addiction. No No! I'm taking vitamins and hoping its helping. I'm on day 23 from going cold turkey and so happy I've made it this far! It's crazy how many people go thru the same exact thing and drs still hand it out like candy! It needs to be stopped! Anyways I'm glad so many have overcame this horrible drug and can't wait for each day to continue to get better!

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by cali_soleil, Nov 26, 2013
((((((( JessGehl ))))))))

Where are you? Please post. Tell us.. me.. how you're doing.

I miss seeing you.

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by waterview4326, Nov 27, 2013
Well here I am 134 days today, I am thankful for that. I do have to say that I am struggling to get through the holidays. I look back on it and I really have never been the HAPPY holiday person. My parent's have passed away and I think deep down I feel lonely on holidays, I have my own family but I miss my parent's. Today I woke up just awful, feeling doom and gloom that overall crabby tramadol lingering feeling, gosh I wanted a pill, I know that sounds awful but I just want something to make me feel happy, I know I would never go back BUT the thought of cooking and all is overwhelming.

  As simple as this is my husband came home today with a beautiful Christmas tree skirt, he surprised me as we are doing our tree this weekend, it's a fake one!!!!!!  I thought how lucky am I that he cared so much about me to go this morning so I would have it tomorrow, so I am thankful to be loved. I still struggle with the whole hugging thing, I just still feel guarded and even angry still at almost 5 months.

  Okay today is truly the worst I have felt in a while, I pray for strength today, tomorrow and through out Christmas, I truly wish I could just skip it, anyone else feel like this?  I truly hate feeling this way it almost scares me the way I feel. A time I should feel joy, I feel desperate. I don't even have pressure on me, none, it is the expectation I feel for myself, to be happy and I am not, why?  My dinner tomorrow is simple, desserts are made, why do I feel so crappy today, is this normal to feel so alone, any veteran member please help here, I am really struggling.  Jess I miss seeing you also.

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by waterview4326, Nov 27, 2013
Well 9 hours has passed since I posted how I felt. Nothing has changed still feel awful, just awful. Wish someone with experience could post something, I am really struggling to hang on here. Feel like I just cant do this, I was doing pretty decent until today.

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by KC67, Nov 28, 2013
Yes Waterview.  I definitely wish we could just skip over the holidays.  I am doing much better than just a week ago, but I still have an aversion to people.  I have become such a homebody since quitting trams.  

This will be my first Thanksgiving in 10 years that I will NOT be taking trams to get me through it.  I am nervous and anxious and filled with dread.  There will be about 35 people at my parents house this year and I just want to crawl back in bed and turn the lights off.  

I am going to MAKE myself do this however and just hope I don't fall apart.  This is so hard and I wish I didn't feel this way.  I mean, this is my family after all.  I have a good family that are kind and fun to be around.  Why this awful dread???

I hate what tramadol has done to me.  If I had known that I would still be feeling this way for so long - I never would have taken them.  

Well here's to hoping that we all get through these holidays Tramadol FREE.  

Sincerely with hope and love,
kc

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by Done4ever5, Nov 29, 2013
I hope everybody made it thru Thanksgiving! I'm just so thankful I've decided to stop this nasty habit! It's day 28 for me and its getting better! I know I'll still experience bad days but I'm going to enjoy every good day with a smile on my face! I noticed if I surround myself with happy positive people I feel so much better. Laughter is the best medicine for me! I keep myself away from the negative people cause it just brings me down. Anyways praying for you all to get better as for myself. :-)

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by cali_soleil, Nov 30, 2013
(( waterview ))

I'm sorry to hear you are not doing so hot. I'm having the same mental struggle as, both you and KC, even tho I'm not as far into recovery as either of you. I would have hoped things would be getting better by your stage of recovery.

May I suggest posting what you posted above, with the question to the more experienced people, on the community forum here on medhelp? Start a new thread on the "addiction: substance abuse community" with your question.  I have found those forums to be much more active than here. Especially with more experienced people. They have been very helpful and supportive to me and many others. There are people in all stages of recovery in those communities.

Le me know if you have trouble finding it. You can look at my profile under "communities" and find a few I like.

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by JessGehl, Nov 30, 2013
Hello everyone. Sorry I haven't posted in awhile. Still struggling but nohang  as bad before. Fog is still there. But I'm hoping the effexor will start really working. I can feel. But again still struggling. Hope this ends soon. Almost at six months. Blahh

Love jess

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by allinblack, Nov 30, 2013
Hi all!

I see that some of you are struggling around the 150 34-6 month mark.  I do think those were some of my worst periods.  I really thought I was permanently stuck feeling like that... hopeless, up and down, pain comes and goes, morning cortisol dumps, neurological stuff.  I think I am into my eight month.  It does get better.  I do have some moments of weird neurological stuff, but just as of these last couple of weeks, I really feel like I am making huge leaps in progress. I am feeling  more confident and normal... less anxiety, less pain.  I never expected to be perfect after all of this. I was on these meds for 10 years.  I did have episodes of very bad pain and did struggle with anxiety before I ever took a pill.  I have fibromyalgia and I am confident that some of my physical pain is probably related to this.  Mentally though, wow!  This process has taught me so much about myself. This is a positive thing. I am happy with who I was before the drugs.  Why did I think I was so awful? Why did I get so down on myself?  I never realized how much I liked myself until it was gone.  All of these memories (more of feeling them than remembering them) are flooding back.  I feel like my old personality when I was a child.  I really think this whole experience has given me some coping skills for problems I had way before taking drugs.  I am changing and rediscovering.  I can feel this.. and I don't hate it!!  I think I even have some coping skills for pain.

I am sitting here today in front of this computer and I do not have one single symptom.  I worked 6 hours.  I've done housework. I slept well. I have no pain, no depression and no anxiety.  I still have the evening ahead of me and I am actually bored and want to get out of the house.  I could barely get out of bed in the early days.  So, yes, energy does come back if you don't overdo yourself.  I can't believe I have some energy and lack of pain... even with my fibromyalgia.  I remember really suffering with it before the meds.  Was my anxiety and stress causing my fibro to be worse?

Now, with all of this being said, I'm still somewhat fearful of the flashbacks or waves.  If it does happen again, I can get through it.  Heck, last time it happened I worked 6 hours on my feet and made it through.  I do really, really believe most of my lingering symptoms were caused by the antidepressant portion of the drug... rather than the synthetic opiate property.  Nasty things they are!

We can all get through this.  I know it!  

I will let you know that things really started progressing when I added vitamin B1 (thiamine) into my vitamin regimen.  For some reason, my sublingual B complex didn't have it.  It seems to be a very prominent deficiency in withdrawals... esp with alcohol withdrawals.  I noticed within two days that I had more energy and less brain zaps. Coincidence? I don't know. It is supposed to be fantastic for nerve damage, acetylcholine and Gaba.  I may have been deficient all along due to my GF diet that I have to abide by.

Here is some info:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thiamine

this next one just because I know that withdrawal can mimic CF or fibro:
http://www.cortjohnson.org/blog/2013/07/05/is-simple-relief-from-fibromyalgia-mecfs-found-early-reports-spark-interest/
Read the comments!

http://www.cortjohnson.org/blog/2013/05/21/from-mood-disorders-to-mcs-neuroinflammatory-model-takes-on-symptoms-of-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/

Do some research and see if it sounds like something you might want to try.

Hang in there!!

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by cali_soleil, Nov 30, 2013
Good to see you Jess!

We are all struggling with our demons. I sometimes wish I could sleep thru it all.. especially the holidays. I wish I could get past the feelings of dread.. and panicky anxiety I feel in the morning... as soon as I wake and see light in the sky.  6am?

I dunno, before the sun is actually up. I'm not myself... not even close.

It's good to see others who are feeling the same.. the same dreadful crap.

I'm. Not. Alone.

Thank You.



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by cali_soleil, Nov 30, 2013
Don't stop posting!


---- Karen


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by cali_soleil, Dec 01, 2013
well. I did it. I drank. now I feel even worse.  wow, I don't know where to go from here. makes me vey sad.

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by DamTram, Dec 10, 2013
Cali, how are you doing?  I know it is lonely on here these days, but it's at least a good sign that MAYBE word is getting out about this drug.  I know that the Wikipedia entry for Tramadol is WAY less sparse and WAY more accurate than 2 years ago.  More and more health care professionals that I talk to are aware of the drug's makeup and its addictive potential.

I just finished a graduate psychiatry course on issues in substance abuse research and I've learned lots.  One girl is visiting from Egypt and ALL of her research focuses on Tramadol.  In Egypt, employers will GIVE THEIR EMPLOYEES Tramadol so that they can work longer, harder, and more happily.  I kid you not.  One man is visiting from Iran and, in his country, when people have parties, they don't open up the liquor cabinet.  They pass around Tramadol to the guests!  Things could be worse, I guess.

I also learned that empirical study after empirical study show that medically-assisted substance abuse treatment is just as effective as that plus counseling/therapy.  But there are only 8 FDA approved med treatments (suboxone, halo one, etc.), despite there being tons more that have been shown to work, too.  But this contradicts the 12 steps and other "moral therapies" and abstinence-only programs that make up almost our entire treatment system, so most centers don't even educate it as a possibility.  My point it: things could be a lot easier, too.

Also, THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT: long-term use of Tramadol permanently changes neurological pathways in that, despite what led to use in the first place, a recovering addict is now working with damaged neurotransmitter systems.  Addiction, regardless of how it began, is seen as a true medical disorder that, in many cases, involves life-long treatment, JUST LIKE DIABETES OR HYPERTENSION.  Would doctors not offer a diabetic insulin therapy because a patient refuses to alter her diet?  No.  That's unethical.  Same for high blood pressure.  

But these are not death sentences.  I, for one, am on only 1 medication and I will not attempt to get off of it until I darn well feel like taking on that challenge.  Bupropion/Wellbutrin, in no small way, has saved my life and allowed me to live a real, full, successful life with good days and terrible days, but more of the former.  I was on Prozac for a year and a half, but I tapered off when I felt like I no longer needed it.  Such an easy taper, too!  I have a boyfriend for the first time in 5 years and it's a wonderful experience being in a relationship with your neurotransmitter systems under control!  I have fibromyalgia, so I do get ouchie and exhausted.  When I do, I go to sleep.  I may cancel social events to do it, but that's just how my life is working.  I don't feel the need to abuse substances in order to do it.

I'm Tramadol free since December 2011, but I still have my own struggles.  Though, I can't figure out if they're actually struggles.  Last fall, I became addicted to dextromethorphan and went into outpatient treatment.  I wasn't able to get sober while in treatment, but began the bupropion after it ended and I finally broke the cycle.  2 weeks later, I was able to quit smoking FOR THE FIRST TIME IN EIGHT YEARS!  I need extra dopamine and norepinephrine in my life, and that's fine.  From time to time, though, I still decide to use DXM, after 8 months off of it entirely.  I make sure not to use it if I am sad or angry, but from time to time when I'm feeling good and want some deep introspection time.  The same way people will take LSD or mushrooms once in awhile.  I rarely drink alcohol because it sets off a cycle of wanting more the next night, and the next, until I get far enough away from sobriety that I want to use drugs to feel better.  NOPE.  Same with marijuana.  For me, they will always be gateways.  

I am NOT ADVOCATING drug use to anyone on here or elsewhere, but I'm sharing *honestly* where I'm at with each of these substances and why.  I'm here today because I took out a chunk of my hand on a broken glass last week, hit an artery, almost lost the patch of skin, and then was stitched up BY A PHYSICIAN'S ASSISTANT IN THE ER.  I didn't SES a doctor in the entire time I was in the ER, and the PA did a really bad suture job that is preventing the wound from healing and, instead, making it worse.  I went to my school's health center today and the doctor put my hand in a splint, my arm in a sling, and prescription for 20 Norco for the searing pain.  I'm nervous about using opioids of any kind, so I am coming back here for support and accountability.  Also, I hope I can help anyone who needs a friend on here!  That always keeps me focused.  I go back to the doctor on Friday and, hopefully, the swelling and infection will have calmed.

This was my first sober Thanksgiving in 6 years, and it was really nice.  I turn 30 on the 21st and I'm grateful that I will have someone by my side, this time.  It's always a very sad and lonely birthday, given the time of year, so I'm used to running away into drug land.  I look forward to spending it with my boo, this time.  

I get my second Masters degree on December 13th and am moving on to my doctoral qualifying exams.  I'm as surprised as you are!  But, it's true.  Life is so much better when you are treated for your co-occurring disorders, rather than trying to treat yourself.  Even if you're a doctor.

Sending strength and warmth!



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by KC67, Dec 11, 2013
Damtram,  thank you for your post. I find it absolutely frightening that Egyptian employers actually offer their employees Tramadol to help them be more productive.

But even more frightening is that you said "Tramadol permanently changes neurological pathways".

What does this mean for someone like me who is over 6 months clean of Tramadol and still feeling

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by KC67, Dec 11, 2013
horrible?  Where did you find your research?

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by KC67, Dec 11, 2013
horrible?  Where did you find your research?

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by DamTram, Dec 11, 2013
Tramadol is a beast of its own in that post acute withdrawal takes months and months to feel and think "normal", again.  When I say brain chemistry is permanently altered, I mean in the sense that we were artificially manipulating our reward, motivation, mood, and executive functioning circuitry.  Not just Tramadol, though.  All substances of abuse.  That's what makes addiction a medically-based disorder - not something having to do with strength.  It means that recovering addicts of all kinds wll cope and function in ways that they didn't prior to months or years of abuse.  

I'm not talking about Tramadol and getting off of it.  I'm talking about Tramadol and other substance addiction.  Does that make sense?

Like the rest of us, it's going to take you awhile to recover from the physical and neurological effects of Tramadol use.  It *****, but it gives you the chance to seek help, be it for an actual pharmacological issuef, like I my case, going the counseling route to learn how you ended up here and how to prevent it, or both.

The research I'm citing is from the last 5 years of the empirical addiction research literature.  I know there are copyrights that prevent me from sending them in their entirety, but I'll try to paste come abstracts with authors if you wish to read further.  If I don't get to it tonight, I'll get to it tomorrow!

The Norco had not gone well.  I went right back into my old ways and taking more and more than I need for the pain of my chopped hand.  I definitely cannot go this route in the future, even if someone is meting out my dosages.  That is what I mean by permanent changes in circuitry.  

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by cali_soleil, Dec 11, 2013
(((DamTram)))

I appreciate you taking the time to post here! I'm doing alright. I'm still drinking... but functional. Have not taken any tram... so that's a good thing in itself. I'm struggling with the drinking b/c I stopped that and all the other drugs many years ago. But, like you, I have also struggled with that very same 12-step program that got me clean. I'm not a believer in any so-called "higher power". The higher power they preach in AA and NA.  I consider myself agnostic. Leaning heavily towards atheist. My counselors/therapists knew this, because I told them.
I truly learn a lot from your posts!
AND CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WONDERFUL EDUCATION YOU HAVE ACHIEVED!! WELL DONE.
Please don't stop posting. You are helping me get thru this horrendous crap.

  KC -- I'm glad to see you here! And, Yes, I too find it very frightening  that  "Tramadol permanently changes neurological pathways".
I hope you're having some "good" days.




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by DamTram, Dec 12, 2013
Thankfully, there is a 12-Step alternative!  Google Smart Recovery and find a meeting near you.  It's all cognitive-emotive behavioral therapy!  Like you, I am agnostic.  I tried NA once and it was awful for me.  

I'm glad you are functional, but why are you drinking?  This injury is really setting me back in my overall sobriety.  I hate it.  But I will never, ever, ever, ever put one of those tramadevils in my body again.

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by cali_soleil, Dec 12, 2013
Taken from "Emilypost's Journal part 49 "Beenherebefore" wrote:

"When you get off tram you feel empty, its hard to figure out what to do with yourself.  You are unmotivated and unhappy, and just tired of feeling like that.  A lot of that is because your brain hasnt adapted and is not producing the happy natural chemicals.  Another reason, for so long you used this medicine and it controlled the day for you.  You relied on it for everything, the energy to get the grocery shopping done, the anti-depressant part to get over a bad day...  Its real hard to just forget about all that time and turn back into yourself again.  BUT, would you rather be back on the tramadol, and know that you are going to have to face this all over again?  Eventually you have stop, it will find a way to ruin you."

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by 4leefclover, Dec 12, 2013
Hi All!
Been lurking for months! Got off tramadol twice using this board- first time in 2010. Horrendous withdrawal. Stayed clean 5 months- but only barely making it- went to a nice psychiatrist and he started me on one thing after another to ease the PAWS- they wore me out anyway and the meds, while helpful, weren't enough and I  relapsed-  back on the tramapsycho ride until summer 2012. (still seeing shrink and taking sundry meds)  Even worse withdrawal- off 4 months- PAWS- endless, joyless- back on until 9/13-at which point I was feeling like I didn't want to live- every day was a dulled out haze- I was distant, isolated.
I did some research and went to an orthomolecular treatment program. I jumped from tramadol with a suboxone taper- while tapering off the 4 psychotropic prescribed medications I had acquired over the years I battled this drug. For me tramadol was a bio-neuro-chemical nightmare.
I did outpatient and worked at least 3 days a week. Don't know, looking back- how I did it. They gave me MEGA doses of vitamin therapy IV twice a week. (60grams of vit C in there plus other good stuff) After the first one I noticed a change in my thought patterns. I had become ruminative and quite bleak. Some of these patterns dissolved. They did testing for hormones, heavy metals, hypoglycemia, pyroluria, yeast, homocystiene, thyroid -etc-
They asked me to stop eating sugar- AND ALL GRAINS- recommended a Paleo diet- lots of natural detox plus many supplements. I was able to do this stuff. Quitting sugar- for me- was like stopping crack cocaine. My hypoglycemia score was unbelievably low at the nadir.
I am approaching 3 months. My entire life has changed. Got off all the meds and the tram. Have hope. Taking tentative glimpses at my present life and future possibilities with some true satisfaction and (what?) ....joy
I have lived (barely) through the agonizing months of PAWS with this drug absent from my neurochemistry- unable to reignite a substantial foundation for on going recovery- I think I am on to something, here-
I wanted to share this with all of you. At times you've been my only link to community-the only place I could come and read about the deadly truth my life had become.
THANKS


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by DamTram, Dec 13, 2013
4leef, I remember you!  I just don't remember from which of my relapses.  :|

Here are a few, sorry for the delay.

Mary Jeanne Kreek, Orna Levran, Brian Reed, Stefan D. Schlussman,
Yan Zhou, and Eduardo R. Butelman (2012)
J Clin Invest. 2012;122(10):3387–3393
"Addictive diseases, including addiction to heroin, prescription opioids, or cocaine, pose massive
personal and public health costs. Addictions are chronic relapsing diseases of the brain caused by
drug-induced direct effects and persisting neuroadaptations at the epigenetic, mRNA, neuropeptide,
neurotransmitter, or protein levels. These neuroadaptations, which can be specific to drug
type, and their resultant behaviors are modified by various internal and external environmental
factors, including stress responsivity, addict mindset, and social setting. Specific gene variants,
including variants encoding pharmacological target proteins or genes mediating neuroadaptations,
also modify vulnerability at particular stages of addiction. Greater understanding of these
interacting factors through laboratory-based and translational studies have the potential to optimize early interventions
for the therapy of chronic addictive diseases and to reduce the burden of relapse. Here, we review the molecular
neurobiology and genetics of opiate addiction, including heroin and prescription opioids, and cocaine addiction."

Clinical Psychology Review 31 (2011) 800–816
Young-Wolff, Enoch, and Prescott (2011)
"Since 2005, a rapidly expanding literature has evaluated whether environmental factors such as socio-cultural
context and adversity interact with genetic influences on drinking behaviors. This article critically reviews
empirical research on alcohol-related genotype–environment interactions (GxE) and provides a contextual
framework for understanding how genetic factors combine with (or are shaped by) environmental factors to
influence the development of drinking behaviors and alcohol use disorders. Collectively, evidence from twin,
adoption, and molecular genetic studies indicates that the degree of importance of genetic influences on risk
for drinking outcomes can vary in different populations and under different environmental circumstances.
However, methodological limitations and lack of consistent replications in this literature make it difficult to
draw firm conclusions regarding the nature and effect size of alcohol-related GxE. On the basis of this review,
we describe several methodological challenges as they relate to current research on GxE in drinking behaviors
and provide recommendations to aid future research."

Chandler, Fletcher, and Volkow (2009)
"Despite increasing evidence that addiction is a treatable disease of the brain, most individuals do not receive treatment. Involvement in the criminal jus- tice system often results from illegal drug-seeking behavior and participa- tion in illegal activities that reflect, in part, disrupted behavior ensuing from brain changes triggered by repeated drug use. Treating drug-involved of- fenders provides a unique opportunity to decrease substance abuse and re- duce associated criminal behavior. Emerging neuroscience has the potential to transform traditional sanction-oriented public safety approaches by pro- viding new therapeutic strategies against addiction that could be used in the criminal justice system. We summarize relevant neuroscientific findings and evidence-based principles of addiction treatment that, if implemented in the criminal justice system, could help improve public heath and reduce criminal behavior."
JAMA. 2009;301(2):183-190

"Although many in the addiction treatment field use the term “medication-assisted treatment” to describe a
combination of pharmacotherapy and counseling to address substance dependence, research has demonstrated
that opioid agonist treatment alone is effective in patients with opioid dependence, regardless of whether they
receive counseling. The time has come to call pharmacotherapy for such patients just “treatment”. An explicit
acknowledgment that medication is an essential first-line component in the successful management of opioid
dependence."
Friedmann and Schwartz Addiction Science & Clinical Practice 2012, 7:10

Hopefully that answers some of your questions?  I dunno, they're just abstracts, but the articles can be found and purchased.

Hang in there, peeps!!  It really does get better, and a lot better with the appropriate treatment.


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by KC67, Dec 13, 2013
Damtram,
Thank you for posting all of that (above), but my gosh!  Is that English???  I didn't get the gist of it.

4leefclover - I remember you too from 2010.  Glad to see something is working for you this time.  Do you think the paleo diet helped you the most?  

I am struggling with no motivation, no energy, frequent sadness, morning anxiety, and an overall blah feeling.  I am sure that part of it is the holidays.  I have so much to do (gifts, decorations, cooking, etc...) and no desire to participate.  I feel like I am deeply depressed, but I wasn't like this before tramadol.  I just exist through every day - some better than others - but most are blah.  

I still have hope that I will one day come back on this journal and report that I am back to normal again, but after over 6 months, I am weary and beginning to lose some of my hope.



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by caretown, Dec 18, 2013
Day 3 no more tram. It's early but I think I'm doing a lot better than most (from the two years of posts I saw). I had to let my significant other in on what was going on.....Hi honey guess what you're hot little girlfriend is a junky, anywho I'm going to go cold turkey and go through withdrawl so I'd like you to hang out with me for a couple of days, you know seizure watch......

Ok so I apologize if my dark humor bothers anyone. I'm just surprised I can joke right now, I feel like crap. A little achy and crazy, random shocks, but at least the bugs under my skin are dead....I think. Tram made me feel awesome for a while....like superwoman, or so I thought. I finally realized a few weeks ago that it wasn't turning me into superwoman it just made me feel positive about not caring and think I was doing a lot more better than I really was. I was ****ing up. I couldn't get my cute butt to work on time to save my life. Now day three (with no sleep) left the house before 8am and even made my kiddo breakfast this morning (yes I'm a mom, and feel like a loser of one being a junkie to top it off.). It has been making me forget and not sweat the little stuff - but that's who I am. I'm a little OCD and honestly I miss it so I'm going to get my crazy OCD over analytical self back. I feel like crap but it's like I'm waking up....... I'm taking some over the counter herbal junk to sleep (lol, doesn't work AT ALL) but I refuse to go back to my dr and ask for another pill to help me off this one.

I'm done with dealing with life through a script. I'm going to be human for the first time in a looooonnnnnggg time.....you know actually feel things like a stubbed toe or a bad day.

Anyways - stay tuned I'll be checking in. I have a long road ahead of me....I can do it, we all can.

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by 4leefclover, Dec 20, 2013
Caretown- glad you wrote. Glad you've been reading this journal. It's slow around the post these days- but I've always been a lurker here- sometimes poster. Good for you getting to work! God knows- those first few days are a rough go.
I love it that you wrote that you are 'waking up'. YES-keep goin'!

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by cali_soleil, Dec 24, 2013
I hope everyone is getting thru the holidays without too much stress! I miss your posts.  The holidays are always.. always stressful for me. I'm tram free, but still struggling with anxiety... panicky feelings in the morning. Wanting to drink to stop the  boredom, listlessness. And I DO drink. So that sets off more guilt.
I wish I could just sleep thru the holidays.
I'm not feeling rage anymore... at least I havent for a while.
I have good days and bad.
I have good nights.. and then very bad.
I have no desire to take tramadol. NEVER AGAIN.
Let me hear from you. All of you. I miss you.
Karen

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by caretown, Dec 26, 2013
Day 11. I feel like I am doing good but have a long way to go. It's funny but the more normal I feel the more I am missing my baby-dols in my normal routine. I didn't realize how many rituals I had that involved them until the last few days. Last night (Christmas night) when my house cleared out and I had the afternoon for myself my first impulse was to take a few baby-dols, clean, watch movies and enjoy my own company. That's what I've been doing for a while now when I'm on my own.  I was tempted to go pick up my re-fill (which the Pharmacy has been robo calling me for days letting me know it's ready for me).....but didn't (thank goodness) because I knew if I did it would just be harder for me to get back to Day 11 again and I'm determined to make it to Day 28.  I realized I probably got the same things done yesterday without the dols that I would've got done with the dols but I was anxious doing it - versus "excited" how I used to be with the dols.  

My question to you all that have made it out - is the anxious part of it? Does it get better? Can someone tell me that they feel normal again, eventually, after?  

I'm thinking of going to therapy (which I've never done) - hoping that will help me get through things. My fear is they are going to but me on some type of anti anxiety meds and I do not/will not become dependent on another med to make me feel normal.

I'm sleeping better, with the help of melatonin. Actually getting almost a full night but look forward to the day that I can fall asleep on my own and not find myself wide awake in the middle of the night. That's going to happen right?  

Feedback from you vets would be much appreciated right now. Happy holidays all.

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by EmilyPost, Dec 26, 2013
This thread is closed.  Please come to part 61!



http://www.medhelp.org/user_journals/show/989796/Tramadol--Ultram-Recovery-Room-61

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