Aug 31, 2013
"I believe in pink. I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles." -Audrey Hepburn
I stayed away from this section because I was unsure how to word my thoughts and feelings. I decided that I would start each entry with some thing good to focus on.
I have anxiety, panic disorder, agoraphobia, and monophobia. I haven't been able to be alone in almost three years and at times, I feel so frustrated that I don't have the same independence that I used to have. I always try to keep in perspective that lots of people have it worse than me, but I just want to curl up in a ball and cry all the time. People think that because I look alright, that I can just get out and start doing things that they can do. It hurts when people that don't have my disorders tell me that all I have to do is fight it, and I will be okay again. It makes me feel so sad inside because they can't feel the constant pain in my chest that I've had as a result of the anxiety for three years, or the sheer terror of the thought of being left alone from the monophobia, or being made to go away from my safe place when I'm not comfortable because of the agoraphobia, or the sweats, chills, and hyperventilating during a panic attack.
How can people tell you how to get better when they haven't experienced these things themselves?
The sad + good:
I was left alone today by one of my family members. It is only me and her on the weekends. The good is that I was alone, but the bad part is that I'm not ready to be alone. I got scared and turned on the TV really loud to distract me, but I started getting anxious and obsessing about bad thoughts. And there was no one around. I didn't feel safe in my safe place (home). I keep telling this family member that this way will not work for me, but they don't listen. She is going out in about an hour in a half (not very far from home), but it's too long of a wait to stay by myself. I have to go with her, but the weather outside is not good for my breathing and she knows this. I have asthma and am very sad and worried about this walk. It is physically and mentally exhausting when I have to do things and I don't have time to get mentally and emotionally prepared.
I will try to not think about all of the bad that can go wrong on this walk. From the quote, I am going to focus on staying strong, being happy, and the power of tomorrow. I am going to get through this walk, come back home, and relax.