All Journal Entries Journals

Alone and Lonely

Sep 01, 2013 - 9 comments
Tags:

Life

,

family

,

worried

,

Agoraphobia

,

Panic Anxiety Syndrome

,

panic disorder with agoraphobi

,

old medicine

,

expired medicine

,

monophobia



"Loneliness is my least favorite thing about life. The thing that I'm most worried about is just being alone without anybody to care for or someone who will care for me." -Anne Hathaway

The Sad:

I was left alone today and I felt anger and rage instead of fear.

A family friend came to stay with me while my family member went out for the day, and she told him to leave me in the house. I was sick all of yesterday evening into this morning because I took some of my old medicine to keep calm, and I just didn't have the tears in me. I felt so bad. She thinks by me being left alone, it is going to make get better, but it's backfiring and I'm slowly starting to feel less secure in my home.

I don't feel like it's fair because I didn't want to come back home in the first place, but she called my roommates and told them that this would be the best situation for me, and that I needed to come home. I've lost lots of friends because of my home situation (long story) and I don't feel like I have a secure support system. Her daughter (my cousin) is allowed to terrorize me in the home and on my phone when she leaves. I have 30 nasty, mean, disgusting voice messages on my voice mail from her, and everyone tells me to just delete them. I'm so sad today, but I just keep trying to remind myself that other people have it worse than me.

The Good:

I am going to start writing again.

Comments
Post a Comment
3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 01, 2013
Okay, i got lost for a sec, sorry,

so what family friend came to stay with you while your Aunt ? went out? for the dayy

your aunt told your family friend (a male) to leave you in the house?
you took meds that were out of date? is this on top of meds you're taking now?
you didn't have any tears left, and that frustrates you because you want to cry?

you didn't want to come back home ? what do you mean ? your aunt called your x room mates and le t them know that you would be better suited to living with her (youn aunt)
when you say "come home " do you mean your aunts house?

You should open a journal entry and talk about what it meant to you to leave your friends behind when you went back home to live with your Aunt and your cousin................

You are getting  a support system here on medhelp, you need to re read and communicate clearly your thoughts
so we can follow exactly what's going on, use names , or titles, ie. Aunt Cousin , for instance what family friend came over ? Did they come over to "look after you" spend time with you ? or what

You have to become very clear that this situation you are in will not always be the case you must have faith
and take advantage of any opportunities that you can, to help you get away
you're wiating for help from SSI i think you mentioned
you think you'll get an exrtra 200 or 300 to put away for an escape plan
and yes, many persons in the world are saving up for an escape plan
and i feel bad for every single one of them ~ including you my friend

i no longer have to escape, but i did once, and many times at that.....with work and time i managed to find a home
and so too will you HAVE FAITH PLEASE THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER
I WILL PRAY FOR YOUR PEACE ON THIS UNPEACEFUL PART OF YOUR JOURNEY

So, you find enlightenment, in reading......
read the passages i have on my journal pages
it's about an old person's journey home to God
it's well written, from 1860
it' just takes me back to simpler times reading it and i find peace

i think what it would be like to live in the 1800's, with horse drawn carriages, and i wonder what my role would have been if i lived back then

if you want to be a writer, start reading some old books, i collect all ofd the oldest covered books in the reuse it centre that we have here in Burlington, they sell really old things, furniture books pictures and even clothes, which are from the 70's of which i have no interest.......
id like to find some old dresses from the early 1900's down to the 1800's what a blast it is bring myself back to the olden days,

We don't pick our family, they are forechosen I'm afraid, my family were terrible, i guess i sort of love my mother,but none others , it's lonely, i don't know if we'll be reunited in heaven, i mean why bother, we couldn't get along on this earth , do i have to be friends with them above ? is that idea childish? or just pragmatic?



3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 01, 2013
incidentally the books are in a free section.....
maybe your best friend can go to a garage sale that advertises it's selling old books?
it's a good outing,
something to look forward to


3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 01, 2013
it's seems that you don't need a family friend to babysit you,
maybe that's why you're mad?
are you spending the day with this family friend ? or are you in your room alone?

3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 01, 2013
are you mad because your aunt didn't invite you out with her?
did she invite the cousin?
is that why you're mad?
because anyone would be angry if your aunt is looking after your cousin and making sure she get's out to do something on this long weekend..............
the thing is, that your cousin is deemed mentally challenged in that her IQ is low
and yours is not
you don't need your aunt to bring you out
it would be nice if she cared enough to have a personal relaltionship with you
but is she busy looking after the mentally challenged cousin?
maybe she can only handle one of you at a time
and the mentally challenged person takes all of her time
and that makes you mad?
because you need family that cares
and you were asked by your Aunt, and your Aunt told your X room mates that she wanted you home
but she's acting like you're only there for the $$ you give her every month?
is that why you're sad today?


3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 01, 2013
I'm here for you to talk to , you don't have to be alone honey

3136912_tn?1377837008
by neikainaka, Sep 01, 2013
Nighthawk:

1) My aunt went out for the day. My aunt has known this family friend since he was a child. Him and my mom grew up together. He's almost 60.
2) My cousin goes to her boyfriend's on Friday afternoons and comes back Sunday nights, so it's usually me and my aunt on the weekends.
3) Yes. I did take expired medicine, because I have to do intake all over again at the place where I go to therapy. My second intake appointment is on Tuesday. After that, I have to be set up with a new therapist, and after I still have to wait to see the doctor.
4) No. This is the same medicine I was prescribed. (Buspar and Klonopin)
5) I had a really bad reaction to the buspar. That's why I was really sick.
6) I was crying because I was in pain from the buspar. (My eyes and stomach hurt, and I was nauseous.)
7) I was left alone after she told the family friend to leave. I was having a panic attack because I was scared to be alone. And when I have panic attacks, I hyperventilate. That's bad because I have asthma. And when I can't breathe it can be serious enough to go to the hospital.
8) I've never stayed in one home all my life. I lived with my mom until I was nine (she wanted me to experience life away from the urban city), then was sent to live with my other aunt and uncle (that's when my anxiety started). I lived with them until I was 16, then went to live with my mom in the city after she got married, graduated high school at 17, went back to my other aunt and uncle's house where I was the neighborhood nanny for about a year, came back to the city at 18, where I was living with the same aunt as I do now. I started working, and lost my mom that year, and went off to college later that year. That was my freshman year. I came back to where I live now, started working, and went to community college to get my Associate's. I took a year off to work and save up to go back to college and get my Master's. During that time was when I moved in with my roommates and started school for my Master's (2010-2012).
9) Yes, my aunt did call my roommates and tell them to bring me home (her house). I just say home because that's where I live now. Also, before I left for my freshman year in 2006, I was working and paying my share to live here (rent and my part of the utilities), so it wasn't like this was something new to me.
10) Yes, and when I say support system, I mean the physical people that I used to do things with. It's very difficult having my friends around because of how my cousin reacts to them.
11) Yes, the family friend stayed with me because I need people to look after me. My friends were allowed to come until my aunt said no one day out of the blue. She also told the family friend that I would give him money to stay with me. I don't have a problem with that because I understand that people need money, but my friends would come for free. But the family friend is nice.
12) My best  friend plan to go to a used book store that opened not far from me when the weather is good for my asthma.
13) The family friend stays until people come back. He didn't want to leave, but my aunt told him to. I was angry because before I came back, we had a long discussion about how sick I was. I reminded her that she doesn't like to stay in the house. That's not going to work in the long run. She said that she thought coming to her house would be the best thing, and her exact words were, "You'll never be alone. Someone will always be with you." I told her that the only way I'll come back is if I would be allowed to save up my money and start a group home for people like me. I had done lots of research, and there's no place in the city that is specifically for people with my disorders. And when I came home, she said no to my non-profit, and I had to start paying. I don't have a problem with paying because I live here and use stuff that costs money, but it just really hurt me because I started calling people and putting things online to try and get help. I don't have enough money to put aside to save and pay my rent, so I've trying to find online work since last year when I moved here.
14) I'm okay in the house for about 10 minutes or so before I get anxious and start panicking. The only thing that kept me feeling kind of safe was that I saw people walking by. On a nicer day, I could have walked to where my aunt was because it wasn't far from home, but because it was so muggy, I couldn't breathe outside.
15) I just feel like she doesn't want to admit that what she signed up for and what she wanted was too much. I've tried to talk with her on plenty of occasions, about me finding some other arrangements, and she shuts me down.
16) No, I wasn't mad that my aunt went out. She does that almost every day, and for whole weekends 2 or 3 times out of the month. Isn't anything new. That's why I knew coming back home would be a big mistake.
17) No. My cousin wasn't with my aunt. She was at her boyfriend's place.
18) I'm sad because I knew me coming back here would interfere with her plans and now I feel like she just gets tired and leaves me because she knows I can't go far from home, but the other problem is that I'm afraid to be alone. If I wasn't I wouldn't need people with me. That's the part that makes me sad. And instead of letting me try things my way (like starting my group home/non-profit), I get left in here by myself. You can't do that to a monophobic. If you could, then they wouldn't be a monophobic.

3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 23, 2013
Okay, I understand a little better your frustration. You need a room mate that is also afflicted with agrophobia and monophobia, i should think. It's too bad there wasn't another room in the house, maybe the basement, that could be rented out to an agoraphobic or monophobic or both. Actually, anyone with a disability that isn't able to go out, would be good company for you.

It stinks that your Aunt is so cruel. To talk you into moving in by telling you what you wanted and needed to hear, when it was never her intention, is unforgiveable. To not protect you from your counsin, likewise, is unforgiveable. She is capable of looking after both of you, by the sounds of things, she's ambulatory, and capable of having normal relationships. You're not the first to be duped by a family member.

It is sad that your dreams of opening up a group home, are at present, going to have to be a long term goal. Never lose your dreams. Your dream must always exceed your grasp. But, what you CAN do, is to get on Craigslist, Kijjiji, and any where else you can think of, local papers, even a sign in the local shopping cenrre etc, to look for a room mate that is on disability and that stays at home, for a good portion of their time. There are many on disbality that desperately need a room mate. Alternately, you could put an ad in the paper to find a room mate that is on disability and doesn't mind keeping you company in the home (since they're always in the home), and that you can tag along with when they go out ,(most times). You can put an ad in the craigslist /kijji etc, asking for a "babysitter" a young person who will stay with you (wihile you're still at your Aunts house) when you are going to be alone. Maybe your aunt might even work with you to arrange a time when your inexpensive baby sitter can be there? She sounds just awful though, and may not even make that compromise.

I know you're waiting on disability, are you on welfare right now? or do you have a trust fund? If you are on welfare, you should be able to talk to your worker, and let them know how you were lied to. and maybe they can help with living arrangements.

The situation is sounding mroe and mroe dire. You can't go out, and you can't be alone, Could you go to a women's shelter? At a women's shelter they would be able to push through for government funding, you could search for a disabled person to live with, putting out some ads.  Maybe there would be a disabled home body in the shelter? You could stay pretty much to yourself if the shelter.

You've said that the man that your aunt provides for you to pay, to stay with you, says sexual things to you, and your Aunt says' 'that's cute'.  Can you please tell us what this person said that you consider to be sexual? It would help us to form an opinion as to how far out of line this guy is, and how far out of line your aunt is , as well.....??


3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 23, 2013
Can you talk to the man who is your mother's freind, who is 60, and ask him if he could stay with you for no $$?? Can you tell him it is imperative for your health to put away money so that you can get an apartment with another disabled person, who will also likewise stay mainly in the house. ? I'm sure that this man knows that your cousin and you living together is not a good fit. Maybe you could ask him to help you., by opening up to him?

3060903_tn?1390303996
by Nighthawk61, Sep 23, 2013
Maybe you could tell this man who is 60 and feels safe for you to be around, that you will clean his apartment /house in return for him staying with you, in fact, when you are going to be left alone by your aunt, maybe you could go directly over to his house or apartment, and clean during the time you can't be at home by yourself.? i've never met an old timer that didn't see the value in having his floors and cupboards cleaned....sounds like a great trade off and a money saver.

Post a Comment