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BUT I LOVE HIM TOO MUCH ..... HE WILL GET BETTER .... NO,NO,NO

Apr 11, 2008 - 0 comments
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LOST EVERYTHING

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Jesus



Hello who ever you are, I don't think I have ever TOLD anyone WHAT to do, on here ... but I do try to give as much information on the subject as I can, or I will give you MY experience with it or on that subject...so for your situation this is what I have to say....
I loved a man, for almost 4 years ... I do not regret my love for him ... I do not know if the feelings will ever go away (dear God I pray they DO) My feelings have for sure changed and changed me in a way that will for ever damage me ... I still have nightmares about all kinds of situations that we were in and could have been in ... including having my head shot off by the druggies ( thank God that was only in a dream). In the beginning he told me about his crack habit ( I had NO idea about this drug) I am sorry to say I know Now more than I wish I could ever know about it...I had a great job and I MEAN A GREAT JOB WITH EXCELLENT INSURANCE and ALL THE FRILLS AND WAS RESPECTED.I thought if I stayed home with him for a while (he moved in with me) then I could help watch him and hell him ...he asked for the help he started going to NA meeting ..so I thought...Nope, just the beginning of ALL my possessions being sold and traded for crack and cocaine ...OMG, I had NO idea, this was only the beginning of a HELL I would LET MYSELF GO THROUGH FOR WAY TOO LONG....lie after lie after lie ...the promises time after time and begging and pleading with me that he wanted and would STOP ....You name it I had it and HE FRACKING SOLD IT ALL ... He even stole my son;s game system and a little hit on crack and then the drug guy ripped HIM off..(I thought was funny, I laughed in his face) then I took a huge crowbar from a jack thing and started pounding away all around on his Mustang ..which of course HE LOVED SO MUCH...then my son showed up I told him and my son had to hold me down because I was in such a rage I lost my mind I got in his car and kicked several times his windshield and busted it all up....I had bruises where my son was holding me down the whole time ..My son should have NEVER had to go through this...he was only 17 at the time but he was a strong one...
later after all cooled down the stealing continued and I did not even know all the stuff he was takeing...he would tell me I miss placed it or something...I would have never in my life thought HE would have done ALL this **** to me...this is only a lite side of this story by the way...I will probably sit here and die of a heart attack if I get my feelings into it too much...Well, I let it go on and on and on and he would say someone is coming by so he could work on their car for us a little money..by now I have lost my home I had to sleep in my car I was so ashamed that I would not go visit my dad and he would beg me to come see him ...WELL GUESS THE FRACK WHAT HAPPEN....MY DAD DIED .... I can never ever take that time back. NEVER NEVER NEVER ..we were close and I HATE myself and this man for the time I could have had with my dad before he died ... now never he is in the fracking GROUND !!!!!!!!!!! I miss him soooo bad, I can never call dad just to talk...because I thought that the begging and the promises and the bulk shoot would at some point in time stop and get better...NO...I would find him hiding in the bushes at stores sneaking and smoking it...I finally got so violent with him I grabbed him by the throat ..he was naked in the shower...where I caught him smoking it in the shower because I told him if he ever brought it in my home again I would stomp him a pulp..that still did not bother him ..UNTIl THE NIGHT CAME , I DID...I grabbed him by the throat and I was going to put my fist right through his skull...I was tired of laying in the floor crying until I puked my guts out while waiting and waiting on him because he would say he would be right back then I would have NO idea where he was or IF he was alive, because the druggies would come by and started threatening him... I said if you come back in my yard I will shoot your windows out with my shotgun... He would take off for days at a time and never call to let me know if he was even alive...I would say..just call me and let me know you are ok...I was driving up and down the roads of these druggies places looking for him and calling out him name begging please come out here baby...I just want to know if you are ok...PLEASE I WOULD BEG AND CRY...one night he steps out...there he is, just fine sooo blown away by what ever ALL the stuff he had been taking...most of the time he would be awake and working on someones car for 3 days without stopping...sounds crazy???...because when he started THEY owed him money or crack...then as time went on HE owed them money and or more work on their cars...they had their buddies cars lined up for the work they took advantage of him...he was jonesing?? I had thrown him out so many times and he would sleep outside when it was freezing...I would not let him in, now this was only toward the end...my landlord told me if he came back I was gone, I could not stay there anymore ..I DID NOT BLAME HER EITHER...she had ever right...she was an angel for me through all that..she had given me the chance to get back on my feet...It has almost been a year when ALL of my stuff was sat out in the rain for 3 days before I knew it was even put out... some was stolen ...some was trashed ... it looked like a pile of trash from the dump...I sorted out as much of my kids pictures and personal stuff, but it was mostly all damaged. I still have not gotten over it and probably will not for a very long time. I learned to build a shield around me ... I TRUST NO ONE..NOT ONE PERSON ... My daughter at the time was 8 months pregnant and stood there in disbelief..she was devastated to see me in that frame of mind ... I was numb yet hysterical...There is lots .. lots more but you get the idea...PLEASE, PLEASE ... I beg of you not to go through this that I went through ... crack and cocaine is the one drugs that only God himself can save these people from ..the only other solution is almost all the time DEATH!!!... (he even tried going to church with me for a couple months) all they do is give you a false hope then slam you to the ground...if you are not desolate yet ... YOU WILL BE, IT IS THE DRUG.... you can love him, just do not live with him and drag you down...you will at some point and time get him out of your head and Jesus WILL send you someone that is GOOD for you !!!!! HE DID ME ...THANK YOU JESUS !!!!

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