May 07, 2009
omg i CANNOT sleep. i'm so tired and my back hurts too bad to using the pc. but when i lay down my skin crawls and my foot and leg twitch. it's like i can't relax my jaw, so if i was to freeze time and removedremove the pillow i'm squished agaisnt my rwwrth wousn't alighn. my eyes won't sit still no matter what. when i try to focus on a single non-moving point it feels as though i'm going to have a seizore. my cat just layed on the board. i try to look at an oject close up and i cant get focus. like my eyes keep darting around. the other day i had so little vision ion my righteye that i felt like i was going blind. i put my black frames on. i thought lens was smudged, but i didnt see anything on the left one that would be obscuring my vision. when i began to cry my eye recoverd slightly; htere are days when an eye is jacked up. i'm reltty sure the concept of an eyepatch indicated that you cover an eye if it's strong so the weak one mst function. but my eyes hurt when i do that. i was allways excercsing my eyes when i was younger. i tried the eye excercizing that is sposed to perfect your vision cause the eye is a muscle. that's not very freakin conforting, i'll tell ya. it hert terribly to do far fewer than the is reccomended. ugh, that's just not fair. one day i did 20 situps or crucnhes; whatver they're called. the next day i could do 8 and it hurt. it hurt really bad. the next day i couldn't sit up when woke up in bed! i'm sitting at the pc and when i close my eyes it feels as though i'm falling backward. that was happening when i saw the nero; over a year ago. i couldnm't do the standing parts where you close your eyes. i feel so stupid for not saying anything. THAT CANT BE NORMAL OR AVERAGE< EVEN! and where's the things, what thing; why was it so facinating every doctor there had to come and look for it. i wish i knew what they were looking for. the whole event was so tiring and trrifying. the only thing sustaining me was my anxiety. i walked a straighter line than i can ever manage in any shoes oor bare feet now..all the time, but i was awake and alert, cuz i hadn't slept the night before or the night before and was zoned. i felel best when i don't sleep. i remember doing lsd and my body being last to consult or indulge. there's cool objectivity in a place maleable as a dream and you can jump from one emption to another with utter detachment from that which is not and enjoy life ina myriad of ways. i had such bad regard for my body then. ihated being a girl, and pretty, my hair, my knees, my nose. i didn't like being in the know a lot of the time. life isn't much fun when you can predict it. like being stuck in an annoying dream. i spose the only difference is knowing that there is a conscious decision for every experience. there a two ways to look at everything in life; at the very least.i never vent about how pissed i am about this lesson not being over. what else i there?! do i really have to learn to turn off pain, my whole body with it's odd sensations. i've gorwn, i'm better. i see the light. soo whty?! i stand resolute, it would seem, in not crawling through tiny doors and dark hallways.it's like i'm getting tuggeed on, but that's all; i don't go. i've been altered conscous enough to know that you can indeed go somewhere. but, i don't know where to go. i like it here;sean is here. life could be good if i was brian or stacy. the are people content to do nothing and participate in life as little as posible. i used to be like that. now, i like company and i don't worry about how i'm comnig acroos. i guess i'll just keep working on that. i know a whole other character is on top of my tongue every time i get accenty. not every person can hndle a multi faceted lady.