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Almost 90 Days and my Brain is fried!!

Sep 18, 2013 - 8 comments

Journal,
Today has been a day of feelings and I probably scared a friend off LOL
I shouldnt text and feel at the same time...
My head has been up and down and going psycho...
I want to find love but decided to give up and let him find me...if its meant to be with whom ever it will be. I am sick of blind dates...being 2nd and getting called names. and after the one experience I quite frankly am scared...
I want to be a priority not an option and I think that I should be picky because settling got me to the place I am today or was 80plus days ago!!
Time to work on me and be with friends and if things happen they do...if not I can always become a nun...thats fun right...
Then there is the sadness I feel for the loss of my parents the talks I would like to have and the hugs I will always miss. my brother is getting married and I hate weddings. I am always alone, and when she dances with her dad...I will cry because I will never have that...a wedding or a dad 2 dance with

I will cry because my brother wont have our mom...

Then I saw my sister shes still talking 2 her ex. hes sober in school. God teaches forgivness but...how can I forgive hin. The hate I have carried has lasted long enough...I need 2 let it go...But HOW do you rob your girlfriends dad on his death bed...smoke crack in his house when he let you stay there?? How can you do that high or not...
Even when I was high I would NEVER EVER steal...I have a concience...What would you do if that happened??

IDK I am a train wreck and I hope my brain stops soon...
I dont smoke but I need one lol

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by VICourageous, Sep 18, 2013
Dear Girl I know it must be tough as you know whats up with me..BUT i remember back in 1982, after I have lived with a few guys for a few years here and there in time, I had some procedures done that they told me I could not have kids the chances were not good, so I called my lil brother and he said him and his gal would have 10 and he would give me a few..Well I got the call 2 weeks later on Christmas day that my Brother was dead. This put me in a crazy, death wish, mean, just about everything you can think of..FINALLY One day it was like I heard my Bother tell me to Stop!! I am only having a Pitty Pottie with myself and he would not want to see me like this..It goes on deeper as some were in a dream too. SO I just Woman-up and Stopped. After that we lost his friends one by one as time went by. Well in the long run I ended back in my Home town where I used to ride the grade school bus with Craig. He was my Bothers friend as we grew up. I moved out when I was 17 and did not hang with the people who I grew up with in the canyon..SO anyway when I got back down there to be with family I ran into this person..We now have been married 28yrs on Sat..So to me my Brother death brought me my SOUL Mate..I guess what I am trying to say is that God has it all handled even if we can not see why..Call it blind faith and we must trust it.
I also feel blessed that I am able to talk about the past, present and the after life with my family that is still here..It eases my Heart to know that they have lived a good life and do not fear death. I do not know why or where I am going with this..Just have faith and know that you are a beautiful person and that one day your true love will come..He can be right under your nose right now but it is not Gods time to let you know..It will happen I give you my Heart filled prayers and trust that it will..You are a wonderful SOUL and MAKE sure YOU know this so it can shine on others..lol
I wuv U Girl!!!

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by Heather8448, Sep 18, 2013
VIC
That story touched me in ways you will never know!!
I try not to pitty myself and smile through the tears. TRUST me when I say I could be in a MUCH darker place...I am blessed I knew my parents...and they loved me...I am blessed they send me rainbows when I feel down ugly or crapy like they did today...I am blessed at night when I am alone on the beach I get shooting stars when I wonder of they can see me or if they are proud. But as you must know certin things are hard...like father daughter dances and all that. I get happy for the person...but sad for myself and my sister.
I am so glad you found your souldmate it gives me hope...That story happy anniversary!! I do believe good things come from bad situations and like I said in a comment earlier I am a firm believer that everyone we meet is for a reason. To learn a lesson, to help us, or us help them, some stay forever some leave when their purpose is up...but everything happens for a reason.
Even me meeting you :P
You have a beautiful soul
I WUV you too
(((HUGS)))

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by VICourageous, Sep 18, 2013
Yes I could see how that one would be hard..Maybe it is because I am 57 and have had my Parents for a long time and we have danced the dance a few times in life..BUT one thing that does make me sad (as U know) you can not help but think which path you might have went down and how much your life would of been a bit different if they where still here..Like My other brother who lives about a hour down the road doesn't even come over and see how his own Mom is..Since he got married to his second it is like the whole family feel apart. We used to do lots of outing and holidays together. I always feel that if my lil brother was a live he would kick my sister in laws *** for putting down my Mom & Dads and many, many other things that has changed since he married the B..I try to be as nice and forgiving as I can but right now she has not even called to see how my Mom is or my Dad who is going fast. This is where I miss my Little brother because he would jump down my other bothers throat bad. BUT things happen for a reason that we can not see. I pray I will see my Lil Brother and my family again one day in Heaven..Hang tight girl You are a good person that just has some pieces of her heart gone. lol

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by Heather8448, Sep 19, 2013
I will pray your little bro comes around. My mom held us together her side of the family promised us they would be there for us, they all went on a cruise last week for nana's bday. We were not invited times like these my mom would have made them include us. i have 4 aunts and 11 cousins their boyfriends and husbands all went....we use to be so close. do cancer walks yearly in memory of mom christmas together the past 2 years it all fell apart no fights just...did
it hurts...I want to see them for my 30th but I know that wont happen...I can hope
But maybe thats why God brought me here...because i need a new family...


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by VICourageous, Sep 19, 2013
I do too in some way or at least some clean people to talk with..I will see my Little brother when I get to Heaven and you will be with yours too. God has a purpose for us and this is why he whispered in our ear day in and day out. God wants our temple to be clean so we can do his work in whatever area he will be calling us in. Hang tight Girl..My Prayers are out here for you and I am here anytime You want to talk..OK..lol
If you feel that you really need to talk to me at times I will be happy to give you my Tele #....Bless U Girl Always!

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by Heather8448, Sep 19, 2013
Thanks Vic, I may take you up on that!! I have been inspired by you and this talk...I added some happy pictures...I have to go to sleep in a few...I have 2 be up in a few hours. But yes our temple has to be clean...I cant save the world unless I save me 1st...and I will save the world

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by Mollgaard1964, Sep 19, 2013
I also have lost my parents and 14 friends in the last 7 years. Over doses and one of my best was living with me and came home to find him hanging by the neck and tried to save but he was gone.I have lost everything due to pain meds all because i got hurt on the job.I lost my wife that i think i still love and she left me for another man. I brought up her kids for 16 years and gave them the world and have not heard from them since the divorce.I was on workers comp and after 7 years cut me off and still suffer from the pain of accident.I now know i will never love again and am so lonely and do dream of being happy again and hope that day comes.I think you are strong person or you would never of been on here sharing and starting to heal. I feel that you will have all back again and sooner then you think.I do hope to hear from you again so i know how you are doing.Stay strong and move forward life is just to short not to. John

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by Heather8448, Sep 19, 2013
John,
I believe you too will find happiness. Your getting sober now and all we can do is move forward. I am sorry for your losses!!
If you need 2 talk I am here!!
Heather

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