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My soul is breaking.......

Apr 14, 2008 04:26PM - 5 comments

I have so so so many things crushing me right now.  My grandfather is the most important person in the world to me.  He has stage 4 mantle cell lymphoma and is going through chemo.  He is VERY sick and I am the ONLY one other than my frail grandmother that helps him (taking him to doctor appointments, chemo, grocery shopping, cleaning the house, etc.).  I am also his "advocate" or the one handling all of the medicare and social worker stuff with the hospital which is a nightmare and very consuming.  My father is a complete deadbeat who seems like he is just waiting for his Dad to DIE.  I spend every day consoling my grandmother and begging my father to help.  He is "too busy" to help care for his father.   I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old at home with NO HELP.   I have 3 herniated discs in my back and neck and today I find out we owe $25,000 on our taxes. I see no light  at the end of the tunnel right now.  I cant take anymore.  I feel my soul breaking.................

Funny how I am the "strong one" and am always here for everyone else but when I need support no one is here for me.

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by cathy5841, Apr 14, 2008 04:29PM
i am here sweetie.  i know now it seems you aare going to fall apart you you will make it.  remember this too shall pass.  your dad really should step up to the plate and help you.  the irs will let you make payments on your tax bill lol

by kimmieb, Apr 14, 2008 04:43PM
you may or may not actually feel like the "strong one"....but either way,  you need to now learn to lean on someone....on the forum....on a good friend....or whomever....you 've GOT to allow yourself some support....your soul is crying out for it....cathy is right, your tax bill is the least of your worries....you can make payments on it....take one thing at a time....you are AWESOME for doing all that for your grandfather....simply awesome....one day, a very special place in heaven is waiting just for you....until then, you are here on this Earth and you WILL survive....your dad really should step up to the plate, but if he's not gonna do that, don't waste more of your energy being angry and frustrated with him....just deal with what you can deal with right now....hug your babies....they have some of your grandfather in them, too.....can your grandparents maybe afford to have someone come in every now and then and clean for them or grocery shop or whatever, just to give you a little break?  ....maybe not, but just a thought....i feel for you....as you are doing a wonderful thing and your heart is in the right place....you're definitely the hands and feet of Jesus for your grandparents right now....and I'm sure they greatly appreciate it....and believe me, you may feel unnoticed, but your actions ARE being noticed....how can we best support you right now?  know that you're in my prayers....

by Jikan, Jul 25, 2008 05:22PM
Namaste,

Both cathy5841 and kimmieb are absolutely correct. Handle one issue at a time. It also appears, that your ather is not going to provide any asistance in the caregiving, so sgtop worrying about him and sek other sources of support.

Most hospitals have social workers available tat can provide you with various resources that can assist you in dealing with the daily care of your grandfather. I suggest you speak to him/her and solicit their advice. You may be pleasantly surprised.

You are doing the right thing and doing the best you can under the circumstances, therfore, it's imperative to develop a support group that can assist you in you daily struggles.

You can also always come to these forums to talk, ask questions, receive information/guidance or just to vent, which we all need to do at times.

I sincerely hope that you find the resources you need to assist you in your grandfathers' care and that you use these resources to the maximum extent possible, since that is why they existt.

Good luck to you!

Jikan

by bell24, Jul 25, 2008 05:48PM
i feel so tired just reading your story ,i really feel for you ,you are a saint here on earth,i agree with everything  kimmieb says ,forget what your dad is not doing it will only stress you out more, and i know your the only one to help so for that reason you must keep up your strength and not get stress out ,i will pray something good comes your way god bless and take care of your self ,bell,

by SFgirll853, Jul 28, 2008 05:23PM
Thank you SO VERY much for all of your wonderful words.  I wrote that journal entry three months ago and everything has stayed status quo EXCEPT that I am celebrating eight days off of pain meds today!  I am so happy right now that the rest of it pales... at least today.  Thank you again to everyone for your prayers and support.  This forum is amazing.......

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