Day 87 - Still Hangin' On

I swear there must be one helluva reserve in us....I wonder where this comes from...what it looks like...if we're building it like a muscle everytime we are severely challenged, so that now it's a huge, almost inpenetrable force within us, pulsing with life and waiting to kick a$$.  I'm still in trouble, but somehow have managed to hang in here with some sanity leftover.

I am struggling with, for some reason, an increased amount of pain that is just more than my head can bear without some major effort, on a non-stop, totally constant basis.  On top of this, I seem to be suffering the effects of PAWs I think, and have been hit with some major blues.  Blues is an understatement there, but who needs to be grim.  Also, I am finding that things that happened while I was on the patch, and did not deal with apparently, are coming back and hitting me now, like they just happened.  It's all a bit overwhelming, and, I've been in tears almost entirely since a few days ago.  I was really sliding last night, tryin' desperately to hang on, so I went to a meditation group a friend of mine runs.  I didn't expect anything from it, and at times, the pain made me sit somewhere else for better comfort.  I had tears rolling, silently down my face, neck, and down my chest.  Big, hot, major tears.  I guess it was a release of sorts.  We went out to eat afterward, and that coupled with the music goin' in my car, helped put my head back a little, at least for now.  

I cannot sleep, and pain isn't helping all of this at all, but I am enjoying a better mood today, and celebrating it with music.  I'm practicing my air bass, and can't wait to get a real one.  I'm going to a Rufus Wainwright concert on Saturday night, and provided I can tolerate sitting, will have a blast.  I'm feeling guilty about not helping anyone lately, but I really only have so much in me right now, and I'm pretty much using all of that to keep my head from bad places.  I'm not completely successful all the time, but at least for now, I'm enjoying what I can.