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WANT TO BE EMPTY...What have I learned from my drug use JOURNEY

Oct 12, 2013 - 17 comments

Journal, I am sad i cant get on MH at work but can at home :(
I cant leave notes and I miss my MH family :(

Journal,
I was listening to this song and I realized that EVERYTHING I have been through I was supposed to go through.
As a child I believe if you wanted to get clean you just quit, i had no compassion, no patients and I was the MOST selfish kid EVER!!
When I was molested and then raped at 12/13, it made me learn about pain. I met my first group of friends who cut. I started cutting I met people in the psych wards. I devoloped an eating disorder....I learned that other people have stories and I was not alone in this. I didnt like to reach out still its hard
At 18 when I was raped again I realized that people are screwed up, and I cant TRUST the world. i also tried to take my life I ate 100motrin...I learned I am alive for a reason...
When I met Johnny at 19 and I met his dad who was a homeless alcoholic I realized quitting was easier said than done....and sometimes people's reasons for using were legit.
When I started using I realized it felt good...I was numb I smiled and I loved life. Dancing to the music while my body was numb from liquor and soma I miss that I wont lie...
I felt guilty doing coke, but that white angel was my LOVER for 10 years...I wont lie...I kind of want some now...
Crack was my demon and he popped up at times...
BUT i did learn that people fall into bad places. i learned tolerance and patience and I learned that its okay to talk to homeless people and a smile could save a life. i learned that my shower could help people and my fridge too....
A kind word a $1.00 bill can make someones day...
JOURNAL
I will never go back but It made me the person i am today. and Shes okay in my book
Journal
this sounded better in my head LOL
Since getting off drugs I have had to find me again. and I am working on this. I also have to learn that I am not as ugly as i think...
as a matter of fact today I was told I looked good and I have lost weight in my face
I was also told that my red hair kicks A$$
Journal I dont see myself as beautiful but my hope for the future is to see me as others do...

Journal a secret
In the morning before I eat when I am empty I feel pretty i get on the scale and the numbers are at their lowest
I stay empty as long as i can and every day i make it later and later...
I am scared I am slipping back to my ED I know its not healthy and I TRY to talk myself into eating
Then at night when i weigh myself its a 2lb difference IS THAT POSSIBLE??? Then i feel sick and fat and I am mad that i ate

Today is daddys birthday and we have to go out to eat :( i may not eat
I will talk to you all later

(if anyone reads this lol)

Love and miss you all

OHH This song reminds me of me

Avicii - Wake Me Up lyrics
Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start
They tell me I'm too young to understand
They say I'm caught up in a dream
Well life will pass me by if I don't open up my eyes
Well that's fine by me

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
[x2]

I tried carrying the weight of the world
But I only have two hands
I hope I get the chance to travel the world
And I don't have any plans
I wish that I could stay forever this young
Not afraid to close my eyes
Life's a game made for everyone
And love is a prize

So wake me up when it's all over
When I'm wiser and I'm older
All this time I was finding myself
And I didn't know I was lost
[x2]

I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost
I didn't know I was lost

Comments
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by ROSYouralright, Oct 12, 2013
I love you baby girl!

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by ROSYouralright, Oct 12, 2013
...............(¯`.*´¯)
................`•I.•´
.......,(¯`.*´¯)
........`•♥.•´
,(¯`.*´¯)
..`•L•´
,(¯`.*´¯)
..`•O.•´
,(¯`.*´¯)
...`•V.´(¯`*´¯)
...........`•E.•´(¯`*´¯)
....................•.♥.•´(¯`*´¯).
..............................`•¸Y.•´
......................,(¯`.*´¯)
.......................`•O.•´
.................,(¯`.*´¯)
..................`•U.•´
Listen carefully girlfriend! I'm only going to say this once...YOU
  ARE BEAUTIFUL INSIDE and OUT! Your weight has nothing to do with the amazing person you are! Plus you are on Atkins and already losing weight!! Weigh yourself once a month and NO MORE than that! You KNOW that skipping meals is bad for you! Your dad would NOT want to see you abusing yourself! I know you miss him but celebrating his life is better than mourning his death! Honor him by remembering the good times!
HEATHER DELISE you are an AMAZING WOMAN, DAUGHTER, SISTER, and FRIEND! Be good to yourself!

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by Heather8448, Oct 12, 2013
As if I wasnt crying enough from the last comment lol
Thanks beautiful

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by hopefulforfuture, Oct 13, 2013
:) Take ur time .. Weighing machines show only numbers they cant weigh the amazingness of the person ... Now tell me we in medhelp should give how much weight to ur amazingness ...

Dont focus too much on body weight ... what else to say Miss quotations ..

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by Heather8448, Oct 13, 2013
Thanks Hopeful Made my day

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by ROSYouralright, Oct 13, 2013
(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸*♫♪♫♪*¸.•’´¯)¸.•.‘´¯)
♫(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸*♫♪*¸.•’´¯)¸.•’.´¯)♫
♫♪(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸**¸.•’´¯)¸.•’´.¯)♫♪
VERY WELL STATED HOPEFUL!
(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´*♫♪♫♪*`’•.¸_)`’•..¸_)
♫(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´*♫♪*`’•.¸_)`’•..¸_)♫
♫♪(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´**`’•.¸_)`’•.¸._)♫
  

Avatar_m_tn
by smartsick, Oct 13, 2013
Your HEART is HUGE!...........Take note!.....it's not all in the mind......Kudos to you..........Peace

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by Heather8448, Oct 13, 2013
My heart may be HUGE but so is the rest of me :(
Thanks Marc though you made me smile :)

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by mommymarieme, Oct 13, 2013
Heather you are beautiful! Honey go look at your pictures and read the comments from everyone! You have the most amazing eyes :) not only are you beautiful on the outside you are even more beautiful on the inside and that my friend is what truly matters! Please dont skip meals amd please sweetiebe kind to yourself. We all love you!

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by Heather8448, Oct 13, 2013
I am trying HARD not to and I am trying even harder to stay off the scale only got on once today

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by ROSYouralright, Oct 13, 2013
(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸*♫♪♫♪*¸.•’´¯)¸.•.‘´¯)
♫(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸*♫♪*¸.•’´¯)¸.•’.´¯)♫
♫♪(¯`’•.¸(¯`’•.¸**¸.•’´¯)¸.•’´.¯)♫♪
REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES!
CUT IT OUT.... YOU ARE GROUNDED
FROM THE SCALE AND IM NOT
.         KIDDING!
(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´*♫♪♫♪*`’•.¸_)`’•..¸_)
♫(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´*♫♪*`’•.¸_)`’•..¸_)♫
♫♪(_¸.•’´(_¸.•’´**`’•.¸_)`’•.¸._)♫

Avatar_f_tn
by ROSYouralright, Oct 13, 2013
IƬ MΛKΣƧ MΣ ƧӨ ƧΛD ЩΉΣП YӨЦ DӨG YӨЦЯƧΣᄂF! PᄂΣΛƧΣ ƧƬӨP! MΛЯIᄂYП MӨПЯӨΣ ЩΛƧ Λ ƧIZΣ 14! ƧӨMΣ ӨF ƬΉΣ MӨƧƬ BΣΛЦƬIFЦᄂ ЩӨMΣП IП ƬΉΣ ЩӨЯᄂD ΛЯΣ PᄂЦƧ ƧIZΣD! ᄃЦƬ IƬ ӨЦƬ!

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by Heather8448, Oct 13, 2013
I'm sorry B...I am fighting with myself, I dont know why...


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by mommymarieme, Oct 13, 2013
Yeah i vote no more scale too so i guess me and rosy win!! You are fabulous!

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by ROSYouralright, Oct 13, 2013


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by ROSYouralright, Oct 13, 2013


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by Heather8448, Oct 14, 2013
I guess you do win BUT ITS SOOO HARD I can promise I will TRY my best to stay off today

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