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Something borrowed, something blue, something old,something new.
Apr 20, 2008 11:14AM
- 0 comments
Im not much of a blogger but...
In the last few days i have been really excited (despite the neck pain involved) about watching my belly when the baby kicks. Its so sweet to now be able to feel from the inside, the outside and to WATCH my baby mucking about in there.
So yesterday i was laying on the couch and i showed Simon. He was so excited by it. Which made me love it ten times more bacause he was fairly underwhelmed by the ultrasound and me and bub were feeling a little under appreciated. Which then led to baby kicking more and more (he kicks more when i get excited or frustrated i guess from the adrenilin).
Anyway so after quite a good period of the baby kicking and moving about simon noticed another smaller pressing baby body part against my skin. It was too soft for me to feel it (inside or out). I am sure that it was the babies other foot. So one was kicking and the other waqs just pressingt or udging at my belly to maybe stretch or something. I know in the light of kicks this seems very insignificant but it was just such an exciting thought. Maybe it made the baby more real...or characterised. Like EVERY baby kicks but only OUR baby stretchs and nudges. Maybe also the thought that even when i cant feel it the baby is still kicking about doing his thing, just BEING is enough to make me so happy. I dont know why but i know it completely made my day...week...year.
Wow writing that down it sounds less special...add some romance to it when you read it=)
SO know BREAK from nice story and lead into story about hannah being a tad pregnancy hormone crazy and ranting:
So i had a fight with simon today. It was just a silly argument but everything stresses me out so much these days it felt big.
Basically we were recently given a big bag of clothes that belonged to a baby girl that died at 3 months (She had a congenital heart problem that her parents knew about from 18 weeks). I am not at all superstitious and i did not know the baby or the parents. The fact that we were taking the clothes seemed to mean a lot to the people who gave them to us and in turn the parents. I told them since we didnt know the sex we probably only take the unisex clothes (it was a huge garbage bag of pink things) . They said that was fine and that they would then give them to anyone that wanted them.
I felt really odd about it though. I knew the parents would be very happy to know we had the clothes but it just kind of felt wrong. The bag was literally everything that little baby had owned. It SMELT like a baby. I knew if i took just a few things out then gave it back everyone would be happy. Some of the clothes had never been worn. As long as they werent in the bag (that somehow represented that lttle girls entire life) i could believe they were MY babies clothes and hopefully move on.
I told simon that i wanted to leave the bag in the car until i had a chance to grab out the clothes we wanted. I didnt want the bag in the house. I know its weird and it makes no sense...i just really,really,reallly didnt want it in the house. Simon agreed. So today i looked through the bag, sitting in the car. I then got simon to come out to the car to double check he agreed with the choices. We then took ONLY the clothes we chose inside, leaving the bag in the car.
LIke three hours later our housemate asked simon for a lift to the laundymat. I was in the (future) babies room putting masking tape on the edges of the carpet incase we drip paint tmrw. Simon agreed, then went out to the car and got the bag. He then put the bag IN the baby room.
I over reacted but i half yelled "get that out of here please" .
(it just randomly scared me)
So he put it in the fromcourtyard right in from of the room. I asked him again to move it and he wouldnt because he said there wasnt room in the car (which i knew there was). I told him that it freaked me out and that he shouldnt have brought it in because he knew that. I then picked it up and said i would take it to the boot then. He refused to let me take it saying it would all fall out etc. I kept walking to the car, with the clothes. He walked behind me. When we got to the car i saqid "open the boot" and he refused saying i had to ask nicely. As this point i was pretty riled up and i wasnt about to 'ask nicely'. I asked him again(i think swear words were inserted in there among the pleases...not an ENTIRELY nice request i suppose) and he refused. SO i left the baby clothes slammed the gate and front door and went inside. He then got the baby clothes, put them next to the window of the baby room again and left. I was so angy i put the clothes back out he front and waited.
Well when he got home i tried to work it out. I told him how i felt and why i was so upset. And he just said the equivelent of "i just innocently put the clothes out of the way and you started yelling at me" again and again. Then as i got angrier and angrier trying to explain how much i made a deal out of not wanting the clothes in the house he just sat there smiling and saying how funny it was that i was so angry and he was just sitting there. I said if he just told me his side or something we could move on but he was continuing the fight because basically ignoring me would not solve anything or make me feel any better. I was just so upset and it was fueled by the fact that he wasnt upset and didnt are that i was. Finally he smirked after i said something and i just lost it. I stood up and i was like do you think its funny to see me like this?Then i realised that the baby was kicking really hard even when i was standing up (which doesnt usually happen) and a huge pang of guilt came over me. Like i was just purpusly stressing myself and my baby out. And i just started bawling. I ran to the bathroom and i had a bath (the only thing could think of that would calm me). Once i was in the bath i cried for ages. I kept trying to stop because i thought i would freak out the baby (adrenilne and other hormoney things associated with crying).
Anyway so now we are all made up and happy and in love and what not. I think i totally scared him out when i cried.He brought me flowers and gave me a massage =) I think i just freaked out because in 2006 i worked in an orphanage in guatemala with babies that ranged from a few days old to about 6 months. One of the babies that i adored died at about 2 months old. I was only 17 at the time and it was a hugely traumatic event. I guess the baby clothes had brought back memories of that baby and fears i have for my own.
ON a happier note to end my first journal entry-
Im painting the babies room tomorrow! The colour is called July (quarter july actually...quarter meaning duller) and it is an extremely unisex blue colour.
In the last few days i have been really excited (despite the neck pain involved) about watching my belly when the baby kicks. Its so sweet to now be able to feel from the inside, the outside and to WATCH my baby mucking about in there.
So yesterday i was laying on the couch and i showed Simon. He was so excited by it. Which made me love it ten times more bacause he was fairly underwhelmed by the ultrasound and me and bub were feeling a little under appreciated. Which then led to baby kicking more and more (he kicks more when i get excited or frustrated i guess from the adrenilin).
Anyway so after quite a good period of the baby kicking and moving about simon noticed another smaller pressing baby body part against my skin. It was too soft for me to feel it (inside or out). I am sure that it was the babies other foot. So one was kicking and the other waqs just pressingt or udging at my belly to maybe stretch or something. I know in the light of kicks this seems very insignificant but it was just such an exciting thought. Maybe it made the baby more real...or characterised. Like EVERY baby kicks but only OUR baby stretchs and nudges. Maybe also the thought that even when i cant feel it the baby is still kicking about doing his thing, just BEING is enough to make me so happy. I dont know why but i know it completely made my day...week...year.
Wow writing that down it sounds less special...add some romance to it when you read it=)
SO know BREAK from nice story and lead into story about hannah being a tad pregnancy hormone crazy and ranting:
So i had a fight with simon today. It was just a silly argument but everything stresses me out so much these days it felt big.
Basically we were recently given a big bag of clothes that belonged to a baby girl that died at 3 months (She had a congenital heart problem that her parents knew about from 18 weeks). I am not at all superstitious and i did not know the baby or the parents. The fact that we were taking the clothes seemed to mean a lot to the people who gave them to us and in turn the parents. I told them since we didnt know the sex we probably only take the unisex clothes (it was a huge garbage bag of pink things) . They said that was fine and that they would then give them to anyone that wanted them.
I felt really odd about it though. I knew the parents would be very happy to know we had the clothes but it just kind of felt wrong. The bag was literally everything that little baby had owned. It SMELT like a baby. I knew if i took just a few things out then gave it back everyone would be happy. Some of the clothes had never been worn. As long as they werent in the bag (that somehow represented that lttle girls entire life) i could believe they were MY babies clothes and hopefully move on.
I told simon that i wanted to leave the bag in the car until i had a chance to grab out the clothes we wanted. I didnt want the bag in the house. I know its weird and it makes no sense...i just really,really,reallly didnt want it in the house. Simon agreed. So today i looked through the bag, sitting in the car. I then got simon to come out to the car to double check he agreed with the choices. We then took ONLY the clothes we chose inside, leaving the bag in the car.
LIke three hours later our housemate asked simon for a lift to the laundymat. I was in the (future) babies room putting masking tape on the edges of the carpet incase we drip paint tmrw. Simon agreed, then went out to the car and got the bag. He then put the bag IN the baby room.
I over reacted but i half yelled "get that out of here please" .
(it just randomly scared me)
So he put it in the fromcourtyard right in from of the room. I asked him again to move it and he wouldnt because he said there wasnt room in the car (which i knew there was). I told him that it freaked me out and that he shouldnt have brought it in because he knew that. I then picked it up and said i would take it to the boot then. He refused to let me take it saying it would all fall out etc. I kept walking to the car, with the clothes. He walked behind me. When we got to the car i saqid "open the boot" and he refused saying i had to ask nicely. As this point i was pretty riled up and i wasnt about to 'ask nicely'. I asked him again(i think swear words were inserted in there among the pleases...not an ENTIRELY nice request i suppose) and he refused. SO i left the baby clothes slammed the gate and front door and went inside. He then got the baby clothes, put them next to the window of the baby room again and left. I was so angy i put the clothes back out he front and waited.
Well when he got home i tried to work it out. I told him how i felt and why i was so upset. And he just said the equivelent of "i just innocently put the clothes out of the way and you started yelling at me" again and again. Then as i got angrier and angrier trying to explain how much i made a deal out of not wanting the clothes in the house he just sat there smiling and saying how funny it was that i was so angry and he was just sitting there. I said if he just told me his side or something we could move on but he was continuing the fight because basically ignoring me would not solve anything or make me feel any better. I was just so upset and it was fueled by the fact that he wasnt upset and didnt are that i was. Finally he smirked after i said something and i just lost it. I stood up and i was like do you think its funny to see me like this?Then i realised that the baby was kicking really hard even when i was standing up (which doesnt usually happen) and a huge pang of guilt came over me. Like i was just purpusly stressing myself and my baby out. And i just started bawling. I ran to the bathroom and i had a bath (the only thing could think of that would calm me). Once i was in the bath i cried for ages. I kept trying to stop because i thought i would freak out the baby (adrenilne and other hormoney things associated with crying).
Anyway so now we are all made up and happy and in love and what not. I think i totally scared him out when i cried.He brought me flowers and gave me a massage =) I think i just freaked out because in 2006 i worked in an orphanage in guatemala with babies that ranged from a few days old to about 6 months. One of the babies that i adored died at about 2 months old. I was only 17 at the time and it was a hugely traumatic event. I guess the baby clothes had brought back memories of that baby and fears i have for my own.
ON a happier note to end my first journal entry-
Im painting the babies room tomorrow! The colour is called July (quarter july actually...quarter meaning duller) and it is an extremely unisex blue colour.