Just a thing from LJ and a tiny summary

You know, I'm a lot like your exgirlfriend. Makes me almost glad that I'm still very young and don't have a lot of resources to go out on my own and just take off. I would just be gone. It's scary to look back and just, what was I thinking? How could I have done that? How does he still love me? I've only had one serious episode like that where I was with four guys, and thankfully the only drug I have within reach was marijuana, not something more harmful. The same feeling is coming on again, and it's taking all of me not to do it again. It's my love that's kept me here on the ground. When I tried to leave him, when I took up smoking, when I found a new group of enabling friends, he'd find me and hold me by the shoulders and keep telling me to pull myself together or get help. Course, the first time was the hardest, he had to face all the things head on without understanding. He still doesn't see it coming though. Not like I do. Atleast my anxiety keeps me in check for a while.

We're hard to love and harder to keep.


Today I felt like **** and I didn't want to go to school. I couldn't sleep at home, I haven't slept well in weeks, I'm so exhausted, and my allergies are bad and my headaches have returned. We got a new reading book in English.  I'm fat. My heels squished my little toes, but looked good. I'm fat. I made a working whistle. Steve is still suspended. I'm fat. I can't stop eating. I had YAP. I'm still fat. I smoked again. And then I lied about it to Steve, because I'm a *****. I don't want to hurt him. I just don't want to stop. I'm not sure I could I guess. We had sex tonight. Supersex. But I was fat the whole time. We had a cake at YAP becasue it was Cindy's last day. Tom told Shei he thinks if he pursues her farther he won't be a virgin for very much longer. And that he likes her physically, not mentally. She's very mad about it. I'm jealous, but not bitter. I don't want to go to his birthday party this Saturday. I'm only invited because Shei is. So I'm mad he only talks to me to get to her. You know. Whatever.

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