Bad Day

Somehow it happens that I missed quite a few Wellbutrins. Something like 200mg a day, for five days. Because we haven't the bottle at school, and mother can't seem to remember to bring them in. Only do I realize this the morning I wake up and physically can't drag myself out of bed. First, it's fear, this hasn't happened since we upped it! Why now? What's different? Then it donned on me. It was always just "Oops, missed one day, ah well." But that adds up after a while, it would seem, and I'm in the gutter again. I of course upset my mother by not getting up, it's nearly time to go and I'm hysterically crying and screaming that my head hurts and I'm not going and no way in hell and all of it all of it all of it. She finally says fine, I'll be back for you in ten minutes. Which means yes, I am going, she's just going to take my brother first and I'm going in late. So I shreak at the top of my lungs, slam the door behind her and preceed to bash my head against it as hard as my angry little body can manage. Then I open the door, climb in the car, and do not put my seatbelt on (badass, I know). As I leave the car I call her an evil *****. She does not show up with my wellbutrin. I don't notice. I head to Steve's after school. Have fun. She brings me 9 gabapentin like devra orders. I forget to take them till I get home at 9. Oops. Hours later my head is spinning and I'm stumbling around, and I can't get it out of my head, the curiousity burns me and why oh why am I such a masochist? Because I like it. I like to take the cuts and turn the shower up hot and let them simmer and start to bleed again. I love to watch the deepest parts of them pool with blood, the way it flows in from the sides when you stretch it open. Never gets old, to me. How I restrain myself from sliding back and forth and up and down and letting the blood bubble and spill. Funny, I don't think I'm much one of self restraint. I'm one of impulse and little patience, and I spread the cuts out around my body. One here, one there, I look like I rolled through a pricker bush. I think the next two medicines I might be on are Buspar and Xanax, for the record. I would rather have Xanax, becuase of a few side effects Buspar has that I'm very impartial to such as unusual sensations in the hands and feet. No way will I go back to having sleepy, stove hands. No way.

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