May 31, 2009
Lately I've been running the gamut in regards to emotions and cycles and I'm getting tired of it.
Yesterday morning I was slow and depressed, then by around 9 or 10 I turned optimistic. Then I started getting jumpy and spazzy, an itching beneath my skin, a high sensitivity to sound etc, the precludes to a manic episode.
We went out on the boat and the sunshine helped a lot, and when we got back in I was tired [everyone was] and we all took a nap. On getting up from the nap I started slowing down again and by bedtime I could barely stand myself, I was so depressed. Also again, getting easily overstimulated because just hearing my son say "Mommy" one more time made me want to sit down and cry.
I took my Ambien last night and apparently asked my husband some questions about whether he would admit me if I really needed it, even if I didn't want to go. He asked why and I told him I was having thoughts of hurting myself again. I only vaguely remember pieces of this conversation, but it was apparently enough that he was worried and asked me this morning if I was any better.
I am very sleepy right now, and slow, but there's a positivity beneath it, like I feel like I can have a good day. Don't know if that will happen, or last.