I am I killing myself slowly?

you arent alone my husband,the father of my kids,i really smoke pot,when got together we got hooked on lorcets.somas,xanaxs,well in 1999 he od,by rights it should have been me cause i took a hell of more pains than he every though of,after he died i got worst on xanaxs,i ate so many of them i was trying to cover up the pain i was going through.our son was 9yrs.old and our daughter was 3 yrs.old when he died.instead being the mother i should have been i just worst,but plus i lost custory of my kids.it hurts me that i wasnt there when they really needed their mother.i was lucky my mom got custory of them.i have got them back now.it's a wonder that they even care or love me,for what i put that through.when i lost them it made me even worst that i was already.i blow all of life ins. on drugs.it still bothers me eveyday what i put my babies through.but we cant change the past,we have to move forward!!!!!then the last 2 or 3 months ago i got hooked oxys.but i am doing good it has been real hard.yeah,there are times i want to go get so messed up that way i dont have to deal with the real world.BUT I HAVE TO STRAIGHTEN UP CAUSE I AM GOING TO END UP DEAD LIKE MY KIDS DAD,AND I CANT DO THAT I AM THE ONLY PARENT THAT THEY HAVE LEFT.HANG IN THERE,THERE ARE TIMES THAT IT IS REALLY HARD!!!I DONT WANT THEM TO LOSE THEIR MOTHER TOO.

That is unfortunate, yet it still wasn't enough for you to completely stop.  Thank you for your comments.  I am afraid that my fiance will over dose too.  Hell, I just go a call from the police station.  He got picked up for missing a court appearance.  I am so sick of this BS!
Then I take a long slow deep breathe in and remember life is full of things that we create ourselves, so I know I will be happy and stop sweating the small stuff because everything is the small stuff ya know!?!  All you have is this moment "NOW" so be there for it and not in the future or the past.  Be there in every moment with those precious children.

Best wishes,

You have to want to stop before anyone can help you including a rehab. If you are serious I know that there are county rehabs and if that is not good enough as I also knwo some of them are a joke, then hey, call dr phil.  He might help you if you are serious.  But you cant succeed unless you do it for yourself. And just because your mom loves you and forgives you if you knwo you are takign advantage of her, then love her enough to start lovign yourself. We all screw up. Some with drugs, some with sex, soem with drinking, some with jobs, there are many reasons we can use as an excuse to cover up pur pain. But it breaks a mothers heart to see her child slowly killing themselves. Love her enough to get help and when you are gettng help remember God is a forgiving God and with Him you cna start over and clean. Go to a local church and ask for help.... most will be more then happy to help...but be careful there too as I knwo you can get hurt...find a pentecostal church...they tend to be more helpful and less judgemental.  Love yourself enough to get help and if you cant love you right now then love your mom enough to get help. You can do all things through Jesus Christ which gives you strength....

Thank you

AA or NA is your answer.  I am in a 12 step program for my co-dependancy and it has worked miracles on me.  I can tell in your post that you would find comfort and answers in this program.  It will help you quit, gain perspective and move on with your life.  You will get support and love from others struggling like yourself.  The only question is, are you really really ready to take that step and stop abusing?

You just may be right, maybe your problems have overwhelmed to a degree that you don't care if you O.D. on accident. I'm speaking from the same expierience. But believe me when I say that life is better clean and sober and if you have a mental illness like bipolar, it can be treated.
Getting off those pills was the hardest thing I ever had to do, it's been 3 1/2 years and worth every minute. I went to AA instead of NA because I found longer sobriety in AA and they had more meeetings. Just go to a meeting, if you're using just listen to what everyone around you has to say. If you stay clean for 24 hours get a 24 hour chip-you will have earned it.
There are private doctors throught the country who are licesnsed to prescribe Suboxone. They usually put you on a treatment plan for a few weeks then slowly wean you off the Suboxone. I'm telling you, it saved my life and I needed to live for my child. I hope you'll at least go to a meeting, then it won't seem so impossible.
Best of Luck, you will be in my prayers.
Erin

Well like Dr Phil says past behavior predicts future behavior. You can change your past behavior by creating a new one. However unless you start today you cannot change your past behavior, it will always be with you. You need to take one step at a time and each day will be a new beginning. Start by finding your local AA. Second get rid of any enablers in your life, like your boyfriend. There is no lasting relationship there. You both only share an addiction and like you said he got you started in it. I am sure if you came to your mom and asked to stay with her without the boyfriend and promise to attend AA regularly she may be willing. You need to let go. Yes it will be hard and yes it will be painful, but what is more important to you, getting high or getting a life. I have seen drugs tear my sister apart. She has been in rehab and she has been to jail. Does she leave the guy? NO! Her first husband got her addicted to all sorts of stuff!! ( OH and don't feed me the line that pot is harmless) I am not very nice to people when it comes to drug addiction and I apologize ahead if I tend to sound harsh. But honey you have broken your mother's heart and everyone that loves you, you have broken trust, and you have treated people like trash. Its time to choose what you really want. Your family or your drugs and your druggie boyfriend who will do nothing but cause you pain and grief. You are not defeated yet! Go, leave, walk away from it!!! Create a new past! You CAN DO IT! YOU ARE WORTH IT! Coming from a mom myself,  moms always think you are worth it. You are her baby girl for goodness sake. Your future can be so bright and full of promise. Don't throw it away! Please, this is not living!

Yep sweetie one day at a time.Start with AA or NA. You'll be so welcome there you will be surprised!
Erin